I was hoping to get some advice explaining death to my very bright and verbal 30 month old little girl and 18 month old boy. Their very dear Gramma is not well and I just don't know how I'm going to explain it to them when the time comes. Just wondering if any one had any suggestions.
Hi Mary,
Very sorry for the hard time you are going through. I would say that you not really say anything unless they ask you. Children are very smart and can sense lots of emotions, even when we try to hide them, so I'm sure your daughter may ask.
When my grandfather died I told my son that he went to be with God and that God welcomed him into Heaven. He did follow up with "can we see him" and I explained that someday he would, but not for a really long time.
I wouldn't lie, but I would definitely sugarcoat it for now.
my granny died when my son as 4. she baby sat him so that was hard for all of us. i originally told him htat she went ot be with God but he got mad at God for taking his granny. then we came up with telling him that she moved to heaven because she really liked it there and that he could see her at night we picked the north star and every night we went out to say goodnight and talk to granny about what happened during the day. that really helped. he's 18 now but he still point out grannys star.
I had a similar situation when my son was 4...I copied and pasted the resposes I received on this site...Hope that's OK?(sorry it's so long). My son was and is quite mature for his age. He seemed to understand things and handle them really quite well. Much better than any of expected. Her death was rather sudden and unexpected. We had 2 days to prepare ourselves and no real time to prepare him. Since then, he has lost his greatgrandmother as well. It's rough on the little ones, but they really do seem to be there for us. They will surprise you! I hope this helps.
Hugs,
Karen
From: Heather B Date: Fri. Dec. 29, 2006
My grandfather passed away in April and my son and him were VERY close. It was not easy to explain why he couldn't still go fishing and camping with grandpa - but let him know that every time we would go Granpa was always with us. The most important thing was letting my son know that it was okay to talk about grandpa - even if it made us sad. Without talking about him we can never heal or come to terms. Now my son tells the stories Grampa told and we all get to laugh and share and even cry together. Letting him know it's ok to miss him and talk about him has made it a little easier.
From: Shae J Date: Wed. Dec. 27, 2006
Hi Karen
Be completely honest with your child, don't add anything to it and don't take anything away from it. Lay it out exactly how you would for an adult, the only difference would be you ask your child if he understands the big words you have used and what ever word he doesn't understand you break that word down for him until he understands it. I use a webster's dictionary to look up the words together and make it a learning experience for my children. I have an 8 year old son & a 21 month old son and had to explain death, sickness, hospitalization, visitation rights, court procedings, sex, where babies come from, drugs & there effects and etc. Trust me your 4 year old will understand more than you think and take it easier than you expect. If you tell your children continually what to expect in a certain situation they will have no fear in it, because they trust your every word. I hope this has helps.
Shae
From: Robin C Date: Tue. Dec. 26, 2006
Karen tell your son the truth. Don't sugar coat it. Don't use euphamisms and say she is sleeping or that God wants her. This can give a four year old nightmares. Tell him parts of her body no longer work and that she is broken and can't be fixed. Explain that this happens sometimes when people are older and unable to heal themselves. Make sure he knows that you and your husband are not dying and that you will still be around. I also recommend New Song center for Grieving Children and Stepping Stones of Hope (for grieving children.) They have support groups for children that is age appropriate for him. I'm a grief counselor at Hospice of Arizona, and you can always call a hospice to get more information.
From: Rhoda F Date: Tue. Dec. 26, 2006
Death is harder for adults to understand than for children. It is important to be honest and tell the child that the person is dying or has died and that it makes you sad because you will miss the person very, very much and that is why you cry. Ask the children what they will miss most about that person and maybe prepare a recipie in memory of the person or light a candle and talk about a memory of that person. Another very helpful sourse is a camp for grieving children and families in Prescott, Arizona. Find them at steppingstonesofhope.com. My daughters were 5 and 7 when their father was killed in an accident and talking openly has helped us all heal and work through the pain.
From: Meghan L Date: Sat. Dec. 23, 2006
Along the lines of what others have suggested, we have always explained death to our now five year old that our bodies are only made to work for a certain period of time. When they stop working, then our time on earth is done. Depending on your religious beliefs, you can take that a step further, as we do, that at that point we go to heaven, if we love Jesus. If you are not Christian, or do not believe in an afterlife, then you can just leave it that our bodies are not designed to live forever. I would be careful to put the "blame" of not being able to fix it on the doctors, four year olds are worriers and transfer a lot of info to themselves so you don't want him to lose faith in his pediatrician and worry that they might not be able to fix him if something happens. We have always just stated death as a matter of fact that our bodies stop working, we go to heaven at that point as as our other friends and family die, we are all united again and happy. We stress that it is alright to miss them as we are left alive, but that life goes on, we need to remember the ones who have passed but we need to continue on living. There is a good kids book by Maria Shriver I think, or maybe Katie Curic, it is a tv person who writes kids books anyway, that explains death and rememberance, I think something along the lines of sending balloons into the sky for them to catch from Heaven.
HTH,
Meghan
From: Clare Date: Sat. Dec. 23, 2006
I am so sorry for your loss. I think the main things to stress are that your mother in law's body isn't working any more so God is taking her spirit home to be happy, and that this will not happen to you or your husband or your son or daughter any time soon. This is a natural age for kids to be very curious about death anyway. The more that you can stress that this is the natural end to life for all of us, it is OK to be sad but grandma is at peace and happy, the more OK your son or daughter will be with it.
From: Heather Q Date: Sat. Dec. 23, 2006
When my daughter was 4, my father-in-law passed away. We knew he was sick, but he looked and felt fine - then he had a day he didn't feel so well, then he passed away. We were all reeling and scrambling and during all that mess, we had to deal with my daughter's questions. She still asks some - it's been 2 years.
We were honest with her. We told her that Grandpa had been sick. How do you explain cancer to a 4 year old - I don't understand it myself. We told her that there was a bad thing that grew in Grandpa's tummy and that the doctors couldn't take it out, because it was to big.
We told her that Grandpa was in heaven with Jesus and that Jesus made Grandpa feel better - he doesn't hurt or feel bad anymore. Then we told her that Grandpa loved her and he will be watching her from heaven. We have a picture of my husband's family that was taken less than a month before my father-in-law passed. We keep it out where it can be seen. I told her "I know that you're sad that Grandpa is with Jesus, but if you want, you can look at this picture and remember fun things about Grandpa and you can tell this picture how much you love Grandpa and miss him".
It won't be easy. And there will be some questions asked over and over again. Just be there. Tell the truth - I don't mean go into total medical term mode with the whole way doctors talk. Break it down to a level your son can understand. Don't hide things that belong to Grandma and don't put pictures of her away. That makes things seem bad to the kids.
I wish you the best. This is a terrible situation to be in. All those parenting articles NEVER have information on this kind of a situation. You kind of have to wing it.
From: Ande J Date: Sat. Dec. 23, 2006
Karen,
I dont know how religious you are, but when my daughter died, my sons were 4 & 2 1/2. We had the help of the hospital staff and my minister. What we told the boys was this: "That their sister was very sick, and the doctors tried to make her better but they couldn't, so Jesus came to make her better but he had to take her to heaven to do that. When they asked when she would come back, we told them never. Your little 4 yr old won't understand the concept of forever so don't be suprised if you have to remind and retell them many many more times. I'm sorry for your loss, a death, especially this time of year, is very hard. Good luck with your explanation.
From: Sheila Date: Sat. Dec. 23, 2006
That is a hard one, I dont think I would say anything right away, I would wait until he asks about her , then tell him simply , that grandma had to go to heaven to be with the angels......or something in that manner.. Im truely sorry for your family's grief. Your mother will be in our prayers.. God Bless You all , Sheila
Dear Mary,There is a beautifl book written by Maria Schriver
titled "What's Heaven". I bought the book for my daughter
when my mom passed away and also gave it as a gift to a friend that lost a 19 month old for the younger son she
had. Maria does a grat job explaining in very simple
language. Hope this helps you - it sure helped my daughter.
Chris
I love the book, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. Check it out!
Hi Mary,
I'm sorry you are losing a dear one in the family. I have not had to deal with this and explaining to my children. We are not religious, so I would explain what would happens to the body - it just stops working because it is tired. Let them know that it is alright to be sad, because they can't talk to Grandma anylonger, but then it will be time to be happy again that they had such a wonderful person in their life. Have them make a scrapbook or cards with pictures and ask them what they loved most about Grandma, then write it on the card or scrapbook. They may scribble, but it is still pictures to them. Also, check with your local library to see if there are any books for children to explain death or loss.
When explaining this to my children we got out a glove and put our hand inside and wiggled our finger. SHowing the children that in order for that glove to move, our hand needed to be inside of it...
Our Bodies are just like this glove but,(instead of a hand)they have a spirit inside to make it move. At some point in time we will either get old or sick....etc... and then our spirit will leave our bodies and go back to Heaven and the body will no longer be able to move.
It also helped me to say a little prayer BEFORE I started this littel lesson on Death. God is always there and will help us to know the right things to say to our children. Especially if we ask for his help. It's wonderful!
I also explained about Christ and his death and ressurection. Kids are more understanding and intelligent than we give them credit for. My children were taught this lesson very young. It was a Family discussion even with the invants sitting on our laps.
You can add any of your own details or spiritual beliefs into that but I do believe that the children LOVE visual aids. I feel it really helped!
I am very OPEN with my children and they all know they can ask me ALL kinds of questions... You should talk to your children about it... Death is a beautful thing and EVERYONE will experience it at some point. It is not something to fear!
Good luck!
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, not only for your children but that you and your family are all very upset and grieving. They are going to know there is a change in behavior, even if they don't know why and it's important to let them know it's not them.
Do NOT tell your kids that she is sleeping, they will not want to sleep anymore, and you will have a hard time getting past that. Do tell them that the adults around them are sad because Gramma is sick and it is a different kind of being sick that she may not get better, and then that she has died.
Take a little time for yourself to grieve without the kids there, it will make it easier to answer them when they are around. This was the time my kids learned about heaven, but they were older. I think one of the strange questions was, well if he is there, can we go too? They will ask strange things, be patient and try to answer their questions. I didn't take the boys to the funeral, but they did go to the cemetery with me on different occasions to leave flowers and each of us lit candles in church. One of my friends gave her kids balloons to let go "up to heaven" which helped them understand the concept of letting go and not getting back.
Hi Mary. Welcome to motherhood. My thoughts are to tell our little ones that life has stages and dieing is the last one. At that time our body lays down to rest forever and the love in our heart goes into the universe to make the stars brighter and all the bees and butterflies happier. That the grandmothers and loved ones will never forget us and we will always honor them. Words of love and kindness, we can't always give our children an explanation on things. An answer is needed if they ask but more words than they can absorb is not necessary. Not at this young of an age. Good luck and may God grant you patience and love and understanding raising your babies.
Terri T
Hi Mary L I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Death is something that I think we are never quite ready for even as adults.So as young children we really don't understand. Go to Google.com and in the search bar put in "how to tell a child about death" and there are several ways that will pop up for you to choose from. I know you don't want to say grandma went to sleep because the child goes to sleep and will then be scared to sleep. It is a sensitive subject but check out all the articles on Google and then pick one that you think may fit in with your family. Good luck I hope that helps!
Mary, first off, I am sorry for what you are going through. I know these things are hard for US to handle, and get even harder once we become parents because we have our own emotions that we want/need to deal with but we have to tread so softly on the broken hearts of our little ones.
We have explained death to our kids in a very simplistic way, basically put aside the emotions attached for us and just explain it for what it is: our bodies eventually grow old and stop working. We are Christians, so we take it a step further and explain that once our bodies do stop working, we go to Heaven. We have always been careful to not offer too much information but to answer the questions as they come. My friend's father in law just recently died and she was surprised at how well her children handled it, just knowing his body here had stopped working and now he is in heaven, visiting with people he loved who died before them, taking care of their dog who recently died and also that they will one day see him again... Although they expressed their sadness and wondered "why" they were also content and at peace. It was explained that Grandpa had been sick before he died, that the sickness made his body hurt a lot and now he feels better. They of course had questions about where your body goes when it stops working and if that goes to heaven too, we have had that question from our kids also. We have explained that part as our bodies don't need to go to heaven because it is where our souls live, and our souls were explained as the part of our bodies that we cannot touch physically but they are the parts of our bodies that make us love and laugh and make us feel happy.
It has helped my kids to know Grandma, or Auntie are not alone and that we will see them again in Heaven when it is our turn and when our bodies stop working. We have explained that only God knows when that will happen as he has made each of us differently and everyone's bodies last a different amount of time.
Sorry to ramble, but I would also start talking about it now. Someone suggested a book or two. I think if you can prepare her for it before it comes, it might help her understand the process a bit more, rather than just one day Grandma is gone. When our little girl was about 3 1/2 my mom's cat got very sick. Our daughter was very very attached to the kitty so when we knew she was getting sicker, we got the book called "Cat Heaven" and started reading it. When Lucinda finally died, our daughter was actually happy for her because she knew Cinda was not feeling well and her body hurt, but she was happy because the book had given her ideas of what Cinda might be feeling now that she had passed.
Clearly your explainations will vary based on your beliefs of an afterlife. I hope you can find the right words to help explain this to her, and also the peace you need to not only cope yourself, but to help her cope as well.
Nothing can make this conversation easy, but if your family has a belief in God it actually can help the children understand it more readily. From the time my children were young I taught them that God created us and then we eventually go back to him. They seem to believe this fully and their lives reflect this. Good luck to you.
Mary,
I will be thinking of you and "Gramma".
My 8 year and 5 year olds understand death to mean that the spirit has "gone to Heaven", and that the body no longer works because the spirit isn't in it anymore. It is very simplistic, but has worked for us. The 8 year old has grasped the concept, "From dust we are made, and to dust the body shall return." That can help explain why the body remains behind, and doesn't work, while the spirit goes to Heaven.
Please never say that the one who has died has, "Gone to sleep". That implies to a child that one will wake up again, and when that doesn't happen, it could even make a child afraid to sleep--at least, a very young child.
~Diana
Hi Mary -
At your children's ages, they probably still remember what it felt like just before they were born. Tell them that Gramma is moving into a different phase of her soul life. Just as they moved from soul light's into the bodies they inhabit now, their Gramma is moving from the body back into the soul light. Up until children reach the age of 6-7 they often see angels, spirits, guides and especially close family members that have crossed. So don't be surprised if they tell you that they see Gramma or Gramma came to play after she has crossed.
I hope you encourage their openness as they get older. Do not be afraid because your fear will transfer to them. Embrace their openness and ask them to share their experiences with you ever day.
Blessings,
Mary M. Ernsberger
Medium/Intuitive Reader
First of all, I'm sorry for your situation, but I commend you for thinking about your kids now. This will make the situation much easier to handle when the time comes.
When my own father passed away, the librarian at my school (I'm a former elementary teacher) suggested I read "The Sad Book" by Michael Rosen. It is wonderful! I think it would be a really good read for your 3-year-old, but your little one probably wouldn't really "get it". At the end of the book it talks about birthdays. From this, I got the idea to "celebrate" my dad's birthday each year with my own family. We have a special dinner and cake afterwards. It's a happy celebration, and something the whole family can participate in (we usually make a cake and decorate it).
I also like the idea someone wrote about to let go of balloons as if they were going to heaven (or however you want to approach that concept).
I haven't had to explain this to my children yet, no one close has passed since they were born. However my step daughter has had two great grandparents pass (on her moms side) and I kind of like the way her mom explained it to her. She told her that grandma went with the spirits. That she is with all the other spirts up in the sky (I suppose you could say heaven if you wanted). That you can't see grandma anymore but she is still here.
It sounds like you got some really good advice from the other mamasource.com moms......best of luck.
Dear Mary L; This is a touchy subject and I don't know what your beliefs are, but we always said that the deceased had died and gone to heaven to be an angel. I have heard that you need to wait for the little ones to ask questions and then answer them truthfully. That way you will know the limits of their understanding of death and can speak to it on their level. I'm a grandma and I still don't understand it very well.
Doris
Of course, a lot depends on your beliefs about what is after death, but I believe that we will be together again with our loved ones, so it is easier for me. I tell my children that it is like going on a trip for a long time and you can't call them. You can "write letters" to them by saying it in a prayer and asking God to tell them, but they can't write back, as much as they want to. We'll miss them a lot, so it's okay to cry. It's okay, also, to talk about them and remember what they did and said and to understand their lives. And I think that it's okay to tell the dying loved one that you will miss them, but you'll see them again in the future. I think it comforts them, too. Good luck!
This just happened to our family this past summer. my daughter is 3 1/2. We explained that she was going to be with Jesus and that we won't be able to talk or see her anymore. Since then, my daughter talks nonstop about her and heaven. When it was storming recently, she said "what is nana doing up there, i think she is blowing out the candles."