etiquette for vow renewal

Events & Event Planning Weddings
1

Heya Mama's!
I have a question reguarding the proper ettiquette for renewing ones vows. My husband and I have been through HADES and back several times in our 11 years of marriage and are planning on renewing our vows in november. Everyone SEEMED to be very excited and supportive of us in the beginning, but now I am running into one problem after another. We want it to be nice, but are trying very hard not force anyone to spend a lot of money. We never had a first wedding, got married at the JP, so this is very important to us!!! We are hiring a high dollar photographer so we want our wedding party to at least coordinate and all I keep hearing is "you are putting too much into this", "this isn't supposed to be this big of a deal", one even told me "i don't have time for htis now, I will get my dress later...don't worry about me"....WHAT?!?!?!? That is my maid of honor....now mind you, all i am asking for is black slacks, ivory shirt, black vests and a fall colored tie. The girls I told them they could get what they wanted after I got the flowers and neckties figured out (to coordinate the color).

Am I asking too much? Should I just say LOOK people...this is costing us a fortune please cooperate....or are they right? I should just be happy if they manage to show up in something they drag out of the closet...ugh, I am getting frustrated already. NOw hubby and I are going to buy a dress and HE wants a tux, so that is set...I guess if everyone is going to give me trouble, I can cut back on the photography and get someone to snap some pics...I know the whole picture perfect day isn't waht is important...but it kinda is to us...so I really don't know what to do. Hubby says to do what I want and everyone else can just deal with it...but I don't wanna start upsetting people either...

suggestions ladies??? anything would be greatly appreciated!! Like I said..it is nothing short of a miracle we have gotten this far, I just never expected to run into this when we decided to renew our vows...

hugs
~holly

2

Ya know... I'm with your husband. This is still YOUR day and you should have what you want. My hubby and I just had our 3rd kid, my oldest has Down syndrome and is from a previous marriage. Though we've only been married 5 years, we too have been through hell. We never had a first wedding either... not even a JP thing.. I just legally changed my name and that was that. So we too intend, one day, to renew our vows and we decided the only people we want there are us, the photographer, videographer, and the preacher man. That way we don't have to deal with all the stress of other people/guests and nothing can distract from the romance that vow renewals encompass.... plus it allows us to spend whatever amount of money we want and reep all the benefits.

There's also some pretty good websites on vowel renewal etiquette. I don't know them off the top of my head, but I've googled this issue before and got some informative hits.

Hope you find a way to make this a happy experience!

3

Congratulations on holding your marriage together through thick and thin! A vow renewal is a great thing! I guess, for me, it is a renewal and not a wedding per se and therefore should not have the expense to others.........I don't think your friends should have to choose whether to spend time and money to they may not have to support you in the renewal or not be a part of it.....you and hubby dress as you want, I think and give the others your colors and rely on them doing their best to comply..........as to pictures, I think you need to decide if color coordination or happy, supportive friend faces are what you are after.......I am not meaning to be unkind, I truly am not, but if the outfits etc are that important then you need to pay for them...it is hard for people to express that they cannot afford something like this.........what seems not expensive to you may be impossible for them.....I don't think the photog choice is between high dollar and snaps either as there are many reasonably priced photographers around........try to think about the meaning of vow renewal and focus on that.......I know it will be wonderful!

Here is a helpful site - http://weddings.about.com/od/yourweddingceremony/a/VowRenewal.htm

one of the things I noticed is to NOT have attendants........hope this helps....

4

Holly, I have never been in your shoes, but have known people who have renewed their vows and it wasn't a big deal, no photographer, no coordination of clothes, just 'come join us'. I would sit down with the problem people and tell them straight - "I know this usually isn't a big deal, but since Stephen and I never had a wedding, this will be like our wedding and we want it to be just right, so think of it more as a wedding, than an vow renewal". Hopefully if you remind them that this is very important to you, more than if you had the full thing 11 years ago, they will be more in tune with your wishes.

Best of luck and Congratulations,
Terri

5

Holly, I agree with your husband. Do what you want, it's a special day for you. your friends should realize that and support you with it. It sounds like you've got enough on your plate, and they should be helping you out rather than making it harder. The least they can do is wear coordinating colors! I hope it works out for you, and remember, don't let others bring you down. This is a day you should enjoy and have fond memories of!

6

Holly,

I realy can't give you advice on your special day but I hope it goes wonderful and i do agree with your husband that it is your day and it should be how you would like it. Being that you did not have a weddining back when this is YOUR wedding and people should respect that. Now the reason I am replying is I saw in your ABOUT ME that you have sons with special needs and one who is Bi-Polar. I am the Director for The National Alliance On Mental Illness for Collin County (NAMICCO). We offer support groups, education, advocacy, networks, and many other needs for families of mental illness and those suffering from MI. Just incase you didn't know there were networks and support groups out there. My e-mail in [email protected] and I would be happy to help you in any areas possible with your son. I hope your special day turns out wonderful and hope you make it all you want it to be. Nora

7

Holly, As a photographer I have had be hired by brides renewing their vows. I must say..I think i get more choaked up. You know what to expect and you want to be there. Especially since you did not have the bells and whistles the first time. DO IT! Let this be your special day and tell everyone they can be there to support YOU!!
just to note, the last bride also had a semi-formal with her kids in the wedding. It was just precious! Good luck and best wishes!

8

Good Morning Holly,

There has been a span of time since this message was left, and I personally would love to know how things turned out?

Christi Dodson,
Producer
Unique Event Designs
Corpus Christi, Texas

9

Hey ladies,
Thanks for your responses! I guess I forgot to mention a few things. 1) my father is in ill health and wants to walk me down the aisle…not the norm, but he wants to and we are praying he is there to do so. 2) We offered to pay for everything (dresses, vests, etc–I was going to sew them if I had to) 3) Stephen and I have filed for divorce twice, been seperated more times than I can count, our daughter almost died in an accidental overdose resulting in us almost losing all of our children, and it is truly a miracle from God we are here… 4) we are having an evening candlelight ceremony 5) no one and I mean no one was at the jp office with us other than friends at the time we can’t even find again to invite!

The ceremony IS indeed the most important aspect of everything. NOTHING is going to be normal, we are writing vows, doing a special unity candle including our children and honoring those we have lost. I am walking down the aisle to music that is special to us. I am writing poetry for the ceremony. Friends and family only are doing the soloist and pianist music. Believe me, the fact that we have made it thus far IS indeed the MOST important thing, but I don’t think we are asking too much at all.

I have been doing research myself, and I have figured out one thing. You can find just as many sites supporting what I want to do as you can sites saying it isn’t appropriate, so that wasn’t a whole lot of help. BUT, most of the sites I have found do say it is OK to have attendants and a semiformal service in our situation, especially since we are having a seperate service (not during normal church service) and it is in the evening.

I guess in the end, I am going to make the vests for all the guys at our expense, so they have nothing out of pocket other that what they would have done to begin with (slacks and a tie) and the girls can do what I originally asked (just find a dress in those colors) and I will reimburse them. I am doing all the flowers, food, souveniers, invitations, etc myself also…so just a bit more to do! I like that part anyway…I am just going to have to redo our budget. I am hoping this all works out!

I sincerely apologize for sounding like a whining bridezilla in my original post. I guess I should have made sure I fully explained everything! I am more than happy to sew everything and absorb all the cost and effort. Honestly though, there are sooo many differing opinions as to WHAT a reaffirmaion of vows ceremony is “supposed” to be was the problem…not money in any way shape or form. So my advice that I have learned through all of this…the “norm” isn’t the norm anymore so if you ever find yourself asked to participate in such things…discuss everything with that person and be INVOLVED! Make your feelings known, but ask WHY that particular aspect is important to them, they just might have enough of a reason behind it that you change your mind. That way there aren’t any misunderstandings as I have ran into and it is a special day for everyone, not just the couple themselves.

Thanks for your support ladies! Typing this last post has really helped me put things into perspective. Shopping for dresses is the fun part…LOL, but there are more important things that need my attn right now. Heck, fall colors aren’t out just yet anywho…but they will be soon! I will probably just take my credit card and invite the girls to lunch and go shopping…maybe even a spa treat and nails done the week before. That way they can be ready and everything is done and we have our ‘girls day out’ in the process.

Thanks for listening to me!! HA HA! I have a whole new outlook on things now…
hugs
H.