Hi, again,
You gave me some great advice the last time I needed it, so here goes:
I used to live in St Louis but am currently finishing up 3 years in Shanghai. Husband can't find decent teaching job in states at the moment; coincidentally current school could not replace him, so husband is staying in Shanghai one more year (we can visit during numerous Chinese holidays + American holidays), while daughter & I repatriate. I am repatriating to be near my mom with Alzheimer's. My divorced brother (let's call him Tom) is currently going to her home every day, making sure she takes pills & eats properly. Doc says she'll be in her own home, estimated, 12-18 more months (this was said Jan, 2009). So, theoretically it could be Jan, 2010 (or maybe later?) when she goes to Alzheimer's home (Tom picked it out; he made sure mom bought adequate insurance a few years back).
So -- where should I move? To my old hometown Waco, TX, where mom is OR Austin, TX,100 miles away, where my husband might get a job next year? Tom "shot down" all my ideas (me commuting from Shanghai every other month, for example). He also said it would "ruin me" to have mom live with me in Austin, that she's too far gone for that. She gets lost driving & doesn't remember some people; acts inappropriately. Aricept is helping her memory but aggravates her 30-yr diarrhea (after gall bladder removal) My nieces swear up and down that Tom means it when he says I should go ahead and move to Austin; that he will support me. I want to believe that, just don't totally trust him 100%. He's a control freak, however can be very sweet, but.... And I feel I should help more than weekends (which is what it will be). I could possibly go 2 extra days during the week to Waco, IF someone can help me with 15 year-old daughter, possibly the 2 nieces who are grown.
My husband prefers Austin, due to high school for daughter, and future job possibilities. I basically don't want Tom to play the martyr and treat me badly if I can't help more than 2 to 4 days/week. It will be very exhausting for me to do more than 2 days a week -- he's already lecturing me nicely in emails about love, love, love shown to mom, not losing our tempers, etc. If I move to Waco and mom goes into Alzheimer's home, then we would be stuck in a so-so town with a so-so school plus then daughter would have to move again to another school in 11th grade.
I do plan to see mom after she goes into Alzheimer's home. By the way, Tom is 57 and retirement age; would've retired, but economy screwed that up. He is an insurance agent/broker and sets his own hours but does travel in TX at least once a month. He also has staff that have helped in the past with incidental things. Tom's been trying to get mom into some sort of daily afternoon activity but I'm not sure she's going to go; she's very stubborn. Any advice, either on how to care for her, how to manage this or where I should move? Please share if you've had to deal with anything like this. Help!!