I am having so much difficulty with my step-daughter and her biological mother that it has given my thoughts of divorce from my husband. Does it get better? Should I give it more time or just call it quits after not even a year?
I would recommend you look into www.relationshiprich.com. It is a class to help you and your husband hear each other and develop a strong bond that no one can break - not even an 8 year old daughter or her biological mom. Do not divorce this man over his child and his ex until you have tried everything! The little girl is pushing your buttons because she actually wants boundaries and may not be given many at home with mom. I know it's hard to figure out, but remember that she is only a child. Look at her through loving, forgiving eyes and let her be a kid. When it feels like you are being manipulated, remember who is teaching her how to do that. Never speak badly of her mom or her dad in front of her, however, show her how to become an adult by your own actions. She needs lots of love and support right now. You have "stolen" her daddy in her eyes and she is going to do anything and everything she can to boot you out, to get him back for herself. This is very normal behavior and you must be stronger than the stunts she pulls. Everytime you want to scream, hold her tighter, tell her you love her one more time, and remind her you aren't going away. Time will heal this eventually. Good Luck!
Does your hubby know you are thinking this? Just communicate with him about it and tell him how you feel. ---Not saying to put all the pressure on him, but maybe there is soomething he could do or say to both of them to make things better for you. The first thing that comes to my mind when you ask this question is don't let your step child seal the fate of your marriage--but on the other hand--I know you probably feel like you don't want to waste too much of your life on a bad situtation. Just talk to your husband and make a list of the pros and cons of staying or leaving. I TRULY hope you can work this out with your hubby and if it's worth fighting for--then Good luck and God bless! :) Cara
I have heard Step families it can be really hard. My husband and I had never been married before, so we didn't have children when we got married.
I would suggest counseling or a support group, if there is one for marriage in your church or for step families. You might try the Parenting Center in Fort Worth. They are great, they offer lots of classes and you can call in questions to. I would also call the 211 phone number, maybe they might be able to refer you to a support group or an agency.
I listen to The Rosberg's, America's Family Coaches on the radio- 91.7 KVTT. I would listen to them, they have written books, have tapes, DVD's, also tour on the road speaking to people. You could check out their website-www.americasfamilycoaches.com They might have a book on this subject or give some advice to you. You can email and ask them a question.
I'm sure there is some wonderful informative books in the library also. So, you might want to check out the library or bookstore on StepFamilies.
I wouldn't consider a divorce. I'm sure it can be worked out between you and your husband. Don't let his daughter come between you and your husband.
I've had issues with my Mother-IN-Law and she has tried to come between my Husband and I. I've learned you have to be assertive on what you want and your needs/boundaries. I read a book on Boundaries and it is very good. I would check into reading some books on that topic.
I'll keep you in my prayers. Take care
Hello I am 25 years old and have been married for 3 years and have a step daughter....which we always had problems with the mom, so my advice for you is to stay strong and if you really love your husband....and let then know you are not going anywhere and kill them with kindness...its is probally just as bad for your husband too so commincuate and be there for him also. Dont give up ITS GETS BETTER!!!!
I am sorry to hear about your problem. I would have adviced you not to marry anyone with minor children. But now that it is already done, you should try to find a way of relating better with your step child. She is probably feeling that her place with her dad has been replaced by you. Your husband probably is also not stern with her because he has the guilt that she is not living with him and has contributed in breaking her home. My advice will be that you do not do any disciplining. Leave it to the Dad. Secondly try to do some girl stuff with her. Just you and her. That should build trust and respect. Also allow her and her father to get one on one time. They need it. So start from scratch to build your relationship and regardless of how hard it might be, do not try to be her mother by giving orders and chores. Let dad do it. It is his place.
Goodluck
If my home was broken, I would be mad too
I had the exact same thoughts a few years ago. I did not know if sanity would exist with the antics of his ex-wife.
I'm not sure of your specific issues but, in my humble opinion, know since you married a divorced man, you will experience strife in various forms even though your relationship with your husband may continue to be very strong. I personally believe your trials will last about 7 years; forgiveness must be a part of daily life so her behavior will minimally effect you and your husband's relationship.
If you and your husband do not have a full understanding of boundaries, study them as they are critical for you and your family.
Make sure YOUR step-daughter knows she is loved and welcome in your home. She is living in the middle, as the adults you and your husband are to present unity; be firm but warm. Homes are run differently so she has to adjust to life at your home and then life with her mom. This can be difficult for her. Anger is often a fruit of hurt.
Never talk bad about the mom in the presence of the daughter. You can be honest when necessary but make all the statements factual without personal opinion involved. This will be a blessing to your step-daughter. Be aware of your actions and do not take your frustration out on her.
Good things can come out of your situation. I've experienced fantastic personal growth because of his ex-wife. I learned you had to ask for wisdom!! (Ask for it) My relationship with my daughter (step-daughter) is very strong. I'm a good influence for her. I'm with a man that I can spend the rest of my life with and that was the foundation of my committment.
You are a young woman with big responsibilities; still have fun and embrace what you are living through. -Michelle
p.s. A few examples of what was required for our household to take to ensure boundaries were present.
- We blocked her phone numbers from being able to call our home phone line. She could only call my husband's cell.
- I blocked her email from my personal in-box. She could email my husband.
- We took the divorce papers to the school with explicit typed instructions that she could not change the address and personal information on the kids.
- After 10 years of marriage, our 14 year old daughter asked us if she could live with us full time. We did not go to court for this but typed up an explanation and request. Our daughter, her dad and her brother met with the mom. It went smoothly. If the mom had not agreed, we would have gone to court.
Life is full of joy.
You say you lived together for 3 years prior to getting married, did you have the problems then? I've been on both sides of the situation - the stepmom with a stepson and also the mom of the kids who gained a step mom when their dad remarried. I've never had problems either way. My stepson's mom was the one who filed for divorce and she remarried first. I treated her son well and her only problem was with his dad at times. I had filed for divorce first from my husband so when he remarried, it didn't bother me a bit. His wife has always treated by boys well so I had no problem with her.
The problem may stem from the reason they got divorced in the first place. Your step-daughter may be torn by what she hears her mother and what others say about her dad and you. The advice of getting counseling is good advice - and at some point, maybe take the step-daughter with you. If she's only 8 don't be hard on her...she's a victim of circumstances in this situation. All kids wish their parents were together, even if they like the step parent.
It gets worse before it gets better. If your husband is having trouble with boundaries between himself and his ex, it may get much worse before it gets any better. The easiest (and most effective thing) for me was to a. get counseling - for me and my husband. and b. My husband became responsible for everything having to do with my step children. I did not discipline, nor plan entertainment, for them. I would wash their laundry if it was put in the dirty clothes, but if it was not, I did not. If they wanted to eat what I cooked, there was always plenty. If they would rather not, their dad could make them something or they could have a bowl of cereal or a sandwich.
My husband learned to establish boundaries real freakin quick.
To be honest, though, I had children with this man - and I felt like it was in my children's best interest to have their daddy. If I hadn't, knowing what I know now, I would have cut my losses and left. As it stands, should something happen to my husband, I would not get involved with another man that shares minor children with an ex wife.
Steph
Before you throw in the towel try a marriage counsler (sorry, can't spell). If your husband won't see one then he's telling you just how important your marriage is to him. The problems with the girl and her mother will not get better, only worse.
I just noticed that you lived with him for quite a while, were the problems there, but you looked the other way? Or have things really changed? Be honest and then decide if you can live with it. Again, a counsler might really help.
I am a stepmom to 2 children from my husbands first marriage. One is now 31 and the other is 27. I married their dad when they where 10 and 15. Their mom was the cause of many arguments and thoughts of divorce. As my husband and I talk about those times now, he realizes that he should have stepped up and dealt with his exwife. Your husband is going to have to be willing to put a stop to the foolishness and speak from the heart to the mom and the daughter.
My stepdaughter has apologized to me for her treatment of me and when she did she made the statement "I did as my mom told me to". She also stated that had her dad stepped in and spoke up more it would have stopped.
Be there, love your stepdaughter but do not argue or become confrontational if you love your husband. Openly talk to him about how you feel and place the need for solution on him.
Hi gin,
i have been in your shoes....your husband should put both his daughter and x in check real quick. If he is not doing that then maybe if you left for a little while it would open his eyes. That is what i had to do..
When your husband sees what he could loose then maybe if hes the man you think you married he will do something to make the situation better for all concerned..if he doesnt then you have loved and learned. I am so sorry you are going through this mess. I dont wish a situation like this on anyone.
Stay strong and stand your ground my sister.
Leighan b
Hello Gin,
I am sure these difficulties didn't just start. There had to be some of this going on before you got married and yet you still married him. You have to draw upon what drew you to marry him in the first place. If you truly believe this is whom God has for you then hang in there. Also it is very important that you really talk to your husband about your concerns. I'll be praying for you.
Do you love him? Would be my first ?. If...so...why should you let an eight year old and a ex wife destroy your marriage.
I married a man with a 12yr old daughter going on 25 and a 10yr old son...i also had a 11 yr old son. And yes it was very difficult...plus the ex wife....i can now say that we all have a great relationship...it took a long time...but my man was well worth it...and he is my best friend.
As long as you both work together about the situation..then yes...but if he does not back you up on whatever is going on...then i would question his love for you...and remember that you deserve no..you demand respect from the child no matter what...
Do you have any children?
My prayers are with you...it is a very hard situation but it can work out as i said ..you both love each other...keep and open communication line....and most of all back each other on whatever the situation is...do not argue in front of the child...that just gives her more to take home and tell mom...remember they are lost also...because they just want mom and dad and most of all their home back together...
How long have you been married?
Julia ray from texas.
Hi Gin,
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I married my husband when I was 22 and he had 3 children from his fist marriage. They were 5, 8 & 10 and I will tell you things were definitely rocky at times. They are now 11, 14 & 16 and at times I didn't think we were going to make it, but like every one has said, you have to set boundaries. My step-daughter and I still clash at times but she also feels she can come to me for help and to talk when she needs too. It also helped to sit down and talk to my husband, too. (not yell and vent, which I did at times). Keep your head up and things will get better.
Don't give up on your marriage. I married my husband 5 years ago and he came with 2 children and an ex. We have been through hell and back with the ex. There were times where my husband even made comments as to how he should have never involved me in his life, we shouldn't have gotten married. But we have gotten through it. It takes a special kind of person to be a step-parent, good for you for wanting to take on that role. There a lot of people out there who would have went running the other way. I grew up with a step-dad and step-siblings, and watched my mom go through hell with my step-dad's ex, so I knew what I was getting myself into. If you and your husband have a strong relationship you can make through anything, even an ex.
Good Luck, and don't give up.
This is so difficult. I am in your shoes as far as dealing with a difficult ex. I am also in your shoes in raising children i am pretty much too young to have. I just turned 28 and I have a 9 year old step-son. My step children live with me and visit their mom three hours away a few weekends a month. It has been really really hard. My husband's ex is the source of 99.9% of all our fights and luckily for us since we realized this it has stopped a lot because we refuse to let her tear us apart. She cannot stand for my husband to happy or the kids for that matter.
Before you head for divorce I would advise a lot of counseling. But also really examine what is going on. The child is exactly that, a child and she is acting and reacting to something. Maybe her mother is setting her up to treat you a certain way, or she is feeling like she has to compete with you for her dad? I would do what some others have suggested which is step back. Refuse to deal with the mother. Say you don't want to hear about it etc. With the daughter though, i think you and your husband need to adopt some rules for your house and how you are treated in that house and how she is treated in that house and then he needs to enforce these rules. For example, disrespecting you leads to _______, and then he carries that through. And then some good old fashioned bribery through fun never hurts either. Maybe once you have some rules established and she is used to them a bit, you can have a girls movie night, or a girls shopping day or go ice skating or whatever. You and your husband can even set that up as a reward for a certain number of weeks of good behavior. And one last thing, sorry i am rambling, make sure that she is getting some alone time with dad on her visit. Maybe if she feels that she doesn't have to compete, she won't.
Feel free to message me anytime.
Sally
Hang in there, it does get better. I got married to my husband when my daughter was 3 and my step daughter was 4. We have now been married for almost 11 years. The first several years are hard and you will hit your peeks and valleys but it will work out. What I had to do was let my husband handle all the arrangements, pick ups, drop offs, money, everything and the stress slowly went away. We also had a child of our own and that also made things much better. You husband probably feels guilty and it is very hard on them. Keep your head up and if you want to rant/talk just send me an email. I have lots of stories that will probably make your seem small!
Gin C,
I'm not sure of your beliefs, but have you and your husband along with your 8 yr. old step-daughter tried family counseling? I divorced when my daughter was 1 yr. old, and remarried when she was 5 years old. Blended families are tough, but you have to have a good support system with one another, and communication flowing between the 3 (husband, you, and step-daughter)of you openly. The mother will continue to be in your life, but it doesn't have to be a difficult relationship IF everyone knows their boundries and expectations. I too have a step-daughter, but she is 18 and moved in with us her junior year of HS. We don't have much of a mother-daughter relationship, but I do try. I'd highly consider speaking with a pastor, or other clergy, and see about getting individual and family counseling to get to the root of the real issue. No one said marriage is easy, so don't take the easy way out by giving up without a fight.
Best wishes.
If you truly feel that this is your mate for life, than hang in there! Anger can make you think a lot of things! It has been my experience with friends, that time heals! The wife could be prevoking much of it due to jealousies. The daughter is only reacting. Evetually, the mother will realize, you are not going anywhere, or she will find a new mate. Something will happen with the child ( maybe through your efforts) to bring the two of you closer.