need some advice about how to handle the situation with my daughter who broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years. bad break up they have been arguing for some time now. they both agree to move on that was last month . now he text messages and has her believing that she is responsible if he harms himeself. he says she has ruined his life and he can't go on. what to do !!! what to do!!!!!
let her know she is not respondsible and everything is going to be okay. just cont. to be there show her lots of love and caring. the main thing to remember is there is always more fish in the sea and you got your friends and family.
from,misty stanfield
olathe,ks
Number one she needs to realise that she is not at fault. So many times girls believe that they are in the wrong. Number two she needs to change her cell number. Number three if you have a good relationship with his parents maybe a conversation is at hand. Hope this helps.
Deb Kelley
Long Lane MO
Hi Lisa!!! Your daughter has done the right thing in moving on, as has he. She is not responsible for anything that he might or might not do in life, that is his choice. My biggest advice would be for your daughter to change her phone number and not have any more contact with him. He will move on when he sees that he no longer has any effect on her. No arguments or words; just stop all communication. I hope this helps and I wish your daughter all the best in college!! May she find inner peace and, more than anything, a wonderful person who will love her no matter what.
Lisa: If he is threatening to harm himself, please call the police. Your daughter can also get a restraining order. I'm sure there is a counseling center at her college that has experience with this situation and can give her advice. Just keep reassuring her that she is not resonsible for his actions and not to go back to him based on his threats. Good luck to her.
I've gone thru this with both of my daughters.(22, 24).
She has to stop taking his texts and phone calls.If needed change her phone #. Yes there is the risk of him harming himself but that will be his decision. SHE is NOT responsible for his happiness. Anyone making her try to think otherwise is trying to control her. By taking his calls she is giving him hope.
I finally found a good female councler for one of my daughters. All colleges have that available.
Also , don't make the mistake of you talking to the boy. If they were together that long I'm sure you had a relationship with him. He will use you as a pawn. I accually contacted the parents of one of the boys to tell them of his desire to harm himself. They got him help.
Good luck! This too will pass! Pam L
Any man that would threaten to take his life because of a breakup isn't the type of man any woman needs! Your daughter needs to CHANGE HER PHONE NUMBERS, EMAIL, ETC. immediately! The sooner she makes a clean break, the sooner the healing will begin. She's so fortunate that RED FLAGS are flying! Tell her to RUN AND RUN FAST! She'll thank you one day!
Should he actually take his life, that's his problem, not hers!
PS....My daughter broke up after 8 years, and 3 of those 8 years, they were engaged! TELL YOUR DAUGHTER TO CHANGE ALL HER NUMBERS AND RUN! I know what I'm talking about!
Call this boy's parents! Tell then he needs help and what he is telling your daughter. Your daughter should not have to carry around the worry and guilt, and neither do you. He needs help and needs it sooner than later. Then you and your daughter have done your part and can get away from him. Then possibly ask your daughter if she needs to talk to a therapist. Good Luck.
Wow! What a rough thing to go through. I also have a daughter away at college, and her roommate recently went through a very similar situation. One, she needs to refuse his text messages and phone calls. Two,keep telling her she is NOT responsible for other's choices and actions. And three, be there, no matter what time it is, for those long phone calls home for suport. Good luck! Deb Jacobsen
Someone needs to contact that boy's family or a college counselor. He could just be trying to make her feel bad, but if he does something to himself, although it is TRULY not her fault. She will feel like it. My advise is to really push her to get someone else involved that can actually deal with the situation. Therapists/Counselors know how to approach someone like that without letting on who told them. College is such a stressful (wonderful, but stressful) time for kids. That boy needs help, wether he is serious or not. I've personally been down that road with an ex, all you can do is reassure her that this is not her fault, push her to get someone else involved and keep in good touch with her. I'll pray for you, her and the boy.
I was in a similar situation when I was in highschool. She probably won't want to talk to you about it but you might try to ask and make sure he isn't hitting her. Unfortunately nothing anyone told me made me want to quit seeing by old boyfriend. It just took time and maturing for me to realize what a bad relationship I was in. I would say just have lunch with her and maybe go shopping and try to get her to open up about it. Try to relate with her and give some advice without sounding too motherly. Do you know any of her good friends? Maybe you could get their help.
have her check with the local violence prevention agency. Ours in Randolph County does work with and have hand outs for young ladies in these kinds of situations. I think they would be a really helpful resource.
Nelda S
Get a restraining order NOW, before he starts to escalate.
Get the paper work in motion.
Julie
Much sympathy to you, your daughter, and her boyfriend. It's so hard to end a long relationship. My suggestion is that your daughter get some short term counselling to support her in this process and to help her grieve her loss of him. Most likely her university has a counselling service. If her boyfriend is a student, the counselling service may want to assess whether he is a danger to himself,to her or to others. Under no circumstances should she be go back to him out of pity. She should suggest to him that he get psychotherapy for himself. Obviously the breakup has touched some deep vulnerability in him, which he needs to understand.
You need to let her know that if he harms himself that it is NOT her fault. I would contact his parents and his friends to be on the look out. Any break up is bad. Sounds like that boy needs some professional help.
Your daughter needs to break off contact with this boy. By responding to his messages and text she's encouraging him to continue with his attention seeking behavior. I'm sure she's worried about him, but people who truly want to hurt themselves don't usually make a big drama scene before doing so.
I know this sounds harsh, but talk to his mom and tell her what he is doing and what his threats are. Then have your daughter completely discontinue any contact. Don't have her answer his calls or text messages. If she sees him at school tell her to avoid him and go the other direction. If he is in school with her then tell her to talk to one of the school councelors also. It will be beneficial to both your daughter and her ex to have someone at school know what is going on. Good luck and God bless.
Oh, and then tell her to get a restraining order.
Lisa,
I would take the things the boy says seriously, while reassuring your daughter that the boy is responsible for his own behavior. She shouldn't feel trapped into getting back together because he is having a hard time coping. I have two daughters, ages 24 and 22, and the oldest has been through something like this with her first "real" boyfriend. He felt very much set adrift after they parted, and also threatened to take his life, etc. Here's my advice:
If they've been dating for four years, you probably know his parents. I suggest you clue the parents in, so they can care for the mental state of their son.
If you can't find the parents, ask your daughter which college the boy is in, and contact the advisor for that school (e.g. liberal arts, fine arts, business, etc). These days with campus shootings, etc, every college has someone assigned to make contact with a troubled student.
With your help, your daughter will feel support and relief. You might also offer her counseling, if she seems to need it. It's probably available through student health services.
I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. Four years is a really long piece of your daughter's life, and she wouldn't be normal if she weren't experiencing fall-out. Just remind her, one door closes, another always opens, and that her old boyfriend WILL get through this. She's lucky to have a mom she can trust and talk to.
Good luck!
He is his own person, and no one would be responsible but him if he were to hurt himself. It is very important for your daughter to know that. He could be just trying to make her feel guilty enough to come back to him, but that wouldn't be a good relationship at that point (that's down right controlling in my opion). If she is worried that he will harm himself then she should tell the police that he is saying that he will kill himself, and they will probably admit him to the hospital for a few days where he can get the help that he needs. She could show the police the text messages where he threatens harm to himself. This way he gets the help that he needs and your daughter doesn't have to worry about something that is NOT her responsiblity.
Yikes. I have a 21 year old son and have seen this first hand. Your daughter needs to make a clean break. New phone number, everything. Try to let her know that a relationship like this is heading for disaster, and she'll never be able to truly make him happy no matter how hard she tries. He's responsible for his own actions. Help her consider giving at least 4 months without any contact at all, and see how emotions and feelings can change. Unfortunately, if there's been intimacy, it will even be more difficult to break it off, BUT it is possible. She's got to know she can have a healthy, mutually loving and respectful relationship. If there is a man in her life who she respects and will listen to, these suggestions might be better recieved from him. Best wishes, Lisa. LoriKay