My ex-husband's father passed away. He was my father-in-law for 20 years. The wake is for immediate family. However, the funeral is open attendance. I plan on attending. My ex and I are not on best of terms. Here is my problem, my ex is an only child, and so is his mother. We have 2 daughters, 14 and 17. He is remarried. Neither of my daughters are fond of his wife. My daughters were very close to there Papa and I know that this will be a very emotional time for them, as for their father and Nana. If my daughters seem to be struggling during the procession or during the service, would it be wrong for me to go to them and console them. I do not want to over step my bounds, yet my main concern is my daughters and being there for them. I know that their father is very upset and may be overwhelmed with his concern for his mother. Please let me know what you think. I am really torn.
My parents have been divorced for almost 25 years. When my maternal grandmother passed away almost 2 years ago, he came to the wake to pay his respects. My parents are not friendly but they're cordial. My father and I don't speak for a variety of reasons, his wife being one of the top ones. However, him and my brother spend time together and my dad felt the need to show support for my brother.
I don't think it would be wrong for you to be there for your daughters. You may want to give your ex the heads up that you're coming with your daughters. Good luck!
Jenny
Tina,
My parents divorced when I left for college. When my Dad died, my Mom was devastated and wasn't sure of her "role". Instinctively she wanted to just take care of everything. However she let us, her grown children (then in our early 20s) handle things. She kept offering to help, so we let her. It was so nice having Mom there and being supportive.
I don't think it would be out of line to call your Ex and offer your sympathies and help. That would also give you the opportunity to explain your concern for your girls. My advice would be to ask your Ex if it would be ok with him if the girls sat on one side of him, and you could sit on the other side of them, as in, his Mom, him, 17 yr old, 14 yr old, then you. You can explain that you are very sad of the passing of his Father, and would like to support your girls and him and his Mom any way you can.
Who knows, maybe he'll surprise you. Grief has a strange way of "opening people up" in ways they wouldn't normally.
Best of luck. I hope everything goes as well as possible. Keep us posted.
Sara
My gut says that you should keep your distance. I question what your motive is since you aren't on the best of terms with your ex (and presumably his family and friends who will be in attendance)... if your daughters were 3 and 6, I can imagine that the funeral could be a scary scene, and you would be on standby for a freakout. Your daughters are old enough to understand that death is logical albeit sad. And they should have some skills about managing their stress and emotions. Have you had a chance to broach this topic with them? Would they feel uncomfortable or worry about being in the middle of you and your ex, especially with the already complex emotions that they may be feeling?
Are your daughters emotionally close to their father and Nana? If so, they will probably lean on each other for consolation during the service. Perhaps preparing your daughters that you will be in the back of the room will give them the support that they need to get through it. You can give them knowing nods throughout the service and hug them afterwards. Of course, arming them with travel tissues beforehand and helping them get ready will extend the message that you are there for them, too.
If you decide to attend the funeral in any capacity, I recommend that you notify your ex, as a courtesy and to further determine if your choice was appropriate.