My daughter went through a similar thing (although maybe not as severe at this late of age). She was more like that younger. But when she started full day kindergarten, she had a lot of trouble with it emotionally, being seperating from me for so long. For about the first 2 weeks of school I would pick her up with her in tears everyday! One thing that did end up helping her, was that we sat down together and made two bead necklaces, so that they were exactly the same, with a locket on hers. I wore the bead necklace while she was in school, and she wore the bead necklace with the locket (which had a photo of me and daddy in it). I explained to her that if she was missing me she could touch the necklace to feel closer to me, and that I had the same necklace on. It really worked well for her. Not sure if it will for your daughter, as she seems to have more anxiety about it, but thought I might share just in case it helps.
Good luck!
Kari
Part of the problem may be that she doesn't know what to do or what to expect while there and is frightened of having to depend on people she doesn't know for everything. Part of it may be that she is picking up on your anxiety since you are expecting a meltdown in these situations. Maybe letting her have some control will help: taking cookies to share with a friends children while you leave for a time; letting her take her favorite doll so she will have a 'friend' with her and not be alone; if she has a friend nearby, having the two of them go to library storytime, or a church group activity together. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers.
I think you're right to take it seriously. Yes, she will "get over it" but I don't like thinking of it that way. Maybe try a friend who would be willing to help you, and try leaving her for really short periods of time (lie 10-15 minutes even) and do it as often as possible. Also, ask your school for a list of kids in your area who will be going to your school so your daughter can meet some of them. It may be easier if she has a friend to meet. Anyone can learn to do anything if given enough time and opportunity. That is all she needs too. I gave my daughter a necklace of mine to where while we were apart so she would feel closer to me. You could also try those matching "best friends" necklaces too. I left her notes and pictures in her coat pockets as well. And I promised her treats at the end of the day - going out for ice cream, at home popcorn movie night, stuff that she liked. I told her it was okay to cry, but she had to stay. The teacher gave her extra hugs - I let her know she was struggling. She is in 3rd grade now and doing beautifully. I guess my point is, don't give up! Now is the time to tackle it. It will get worse and she gets older. Patience, love, time and sticking to the plan will get you through. Go register, and go back to the school as often as possible. It's only scary while it's "unknown". Good luck. :)
Layla:
Hello! I understand exactly what you went through at the pre-school you took your daughter to. What I'm about to say may sound harsh, it is NOT intended that way. Please don't think I'm being mean. I REALLY want to help. I DO think you are a good mother. However, here's what I have to say.
- Your daughter is picking up on YOUR body language and she is picking up YOUR feelings - you SPECIFICALLY state YOU "DREAD this and can't sleep at night". I would have a mirror around when you talk with her about it (try the bathroom) so you can see if you have terror/fear on your face - she will see and feel that.
a. Did you have a hard time in school? b. Are you a social person? - Your daughter is mimicking you - you haven't taken her to play dates nor does it sound like you have encouraged her to befriend anyone.
- In a way, she does need to get over it - with your help. Enroll her in a Bible Church summer camp - they are 3 hours long and she will be with other children her age.
a. Talk to her EXCITEDLY about Kindergarten and how much fun she will have. If she picks up you are faking it, she will freak out on you yet again.
b. Your daughter is playing you like a fiddle - all kids do and you are a GREAT mom for letting her do it. However, she HAS to interact with kids her age. YOU CANNOT be with her all of the time - are you going to go to middle, high school and college with her?
I tell my boys (ages 8 and 6) they are going to live with me "forever and ever and ever, amen." I tell them that when they get married, they are going to live with me - they laugh at me and say "sure mommy!"
Both of my boys are social butterflies - however, my younger one didn't start out that way. My oldest one - he came out yapping, smiling and ready to go and lives each day like that. My younger one had separation anxiety and cried when we were going to play dates - I was fortunate to be a SAHM during that time. However, I did enroll BOTH my boys in preschool by the time they were 2 - as play dates were NOT cutting it. Yes, even my oldest cried when I left - but it lasted for about 5 minutes after I left and he KNEW I was coming back. My youngest took about 15 minutes to adjust after I left. Each child is different.
The director of the pre-school should NOT be in that job. Go to different pre-schools - try Montessori - and interview them FIRST. That means go WITHOUT your children. See how the teachers interact with the children. Ask to talk with other parents (some places will NOT allow this, others will). Enroll her PART TIME - I would enroll her for 3 to 5 hours EVERY DAY - as this is the pattern she will have to adapt to for Kindergarten.
If you are not excited about it, she won't be.
Do not feel bad about not enrolling her or standing up to the Director - that's in the past. Focus on the future and move forward. Your children are modeling themselves after you. If you keep to yourself and don't interact with others - they will do the same. Play dates are FREE (except for gas). Even some churches offer play dates for their parishiners (spelling) so that people don't have to feel the need to clean their homes and supply juice and snacks. It's a GREAT
thing. Our church, St. Matthew's, in Sterling, VA has a great pre-school program and I would highly recommend it. The director is wonderful AND caring.
Oh yeah - change pediatricians. While he's right that your daughter needs to get over it - he should supply you with the tools and links to help you AND your daughter get through this.
Working from home has its advantages and disadvantages. Your daughter does not see you socialize with anyone as I don't think you have people over during your work time. She may see and hear you talk on the phone.
Does she see you interact with your husbband? You don't mention him and what role he plays in all of this. What are his feelings? How does he participate in his kids lives? Do you guys have people over for dinner? Do you have block parties?
Do you have kids in your neigbhorhood? Are your kids allowed to interact with them? If so - at what level? Is she or any other kids invited to each others houses to play?
Mam, I could go on and on. There are so many things you need to work on - not only for you, but your children as well. I know you only want the best for your kids - that is obvious and do NOT dounbt or think that I think or feel you are bad mom - quite the contrary, I know you love your children to death!
Just remember your children are VERY observant, they learn what they see on a daily basis - if you don't socialize, they won't. If you don't interact with others and only them, they are not learning about life outside the home. They have to learn how to deal with their others - not just those in the home (their family).
Please feel free to contact me.
Take care.
I would try a different school. Where I work the teachers would never give up so quickly. Does your daughter have any friends she plays with? Could they enroll in the summer program together? How many teachers were at that program? We have 2-3 for all our preschool programs and we always have several kids with adjustment issues but I can't recall a child leaving because they weren't ready. We are a small private school though with degreed teachers so perhaps they have more child psychology expereience plus our preschool teachers have been teaching for 10-25 years and our director comes from a preschool background. I was worried about my son for behavioral reasons but they told me not to worry, he would be fine, they can handle it. I think you just need to find a different program that your daughter is more comfortable in-take tours and see which appeals to her the most-and talk to the teachers about adjustment methods that they use. I'm sure you'll find one that's a good fit.
This is normal for many children with their first experience being away from mom and dad. With my daughter we went through this when she was 2 and it lasted 6 months! There are still some days that we have to pry her off of us at age 4. There is a little girl in her class, also 4, that was in a similar situation to your daughter. 2 months later and she is still like this. The school is very supportive and helps to separate her and involve her. I think you have the wrong preschool because they are not helping her and they should. My aunt said that both of her girls were fine in preschool and then had problems at the beginning of kindergarten, so you never know when it will strike. My advise would be to get her in as many programs this summer, camp, Little Gym, etc so she is prepared. You may want to check out a preschool that also has a kindergarten in it, as they are smaller and probably more nurturing for her. Have a talk with her Kindergarten teacher and let her know that your daughter is very anxious so she can give her some attention. It will pass in time, but it will be painful for you and her at first, and know that at some age most go through it! If all else fails, you could put her in another year of preschool (find one that will work with you) and delay kindergarten a year, if her birthday is this summer, she won't be that far from most of the kids she starts with (we have a 9/1 turn 5 by deadline in our area). I wouldn't recommend home schooling as I think this will just prolong the problem. Good luck!
Dear Layla,
Have you ever considered homeschooling your daughter? I know you want her socialized, but, with homeschooling, that could come at a later age (in coops and sports) when she is ready.
Blessings!
Jennifer F.
My son ,who is now 24 yrs old, had the same issues. I berated myself for years about how I, no matter his reaction, made him go to school ( because I had to work). So stop guilt tripping yourself. This is your child's personality, not something you did or did not do.
My son's daycare providers all had some story to tell about his reactions. Eventually he would function fine it just took forever. One example ;when he was 10 months old and in daycare he would whine constantly unless carried around. His daycare provider was very exasperated but he did grow out of it.
In first grade he NEVER ate until I picked him up in afterschool care at 5pm. His first move ,when I got there, was to grab his lunch and wolf it down because he was so hungry.
I would recommend taking your daughter to visit the school many times before she starts. Even though she is nervous about it now she will be A LOT more nervous about it if you don't take her at all.
Since she is old enough to talk and understand you should have a series of conversations about the school and about her anxiety and ways she can deal with it. It will help if you visit the school and while you visit point out things she might like to do.
She somehow needs to stop missing you and engage with what is happening there so she can forget you for a bit.
Visiting and engaging with her teachers, both of you being there and watching and your pointing out things she might like will certainly help.
I was a sensitive child with insensitive parents. It really helped for teachers to engage me even though I was withdrawn.
It got me over my fear of the situation by engaging me rather than letting me stew in my fear. On the other hand it cannot be overbearing and aggressive- there has to be some sensitivity to the student's personality too.
The pediatrician saying something like "get over it" was stupid and unprofessional.
Let me know how things go.
Hi there. We had a similar problem with my nephew but he was in public Kindergarten and used to escape on a daily basis. However, the school was patient and welcomed him each day with open arms. We considered pulling him out of school but the principal encouraged us to leave him in and low and behold, he ended up loving school. Some options might be a private kindergarten. Usually, they are smaller classes with more teachers. Also, look for half day programs. Many schools are now full day programs. The church preschool was NOT correct in asking your child to leave. Preschools must have patience when working with kids with this kind of anxiety. It is not uncommon. you should look for a school willing to work with you and give your daughter 2 to 3 months to adjust (or more). I work as a preschool teacher and I cannot tell you how many bottles of advil I have taken over the years but never once have I given up on a child who had a hard time adjuting. Something to consider is holding her back a year and putting her in a five day a week 1/2 day program for preschool. Make sure she is with kids who will just miss the cut off date for kindergarten. Don't give up and don't let the school give up on her either!! Good Luck!!
Hi Layla. Well first of all as a former full day kindergarten teacher I just want to say how ridiculous the director acted. It was only the second day. These things take time, sometimes weeks, maybe even a month or 2. Your daughter was only there for 4 hrs, I don't think it was imperative that she eat or drink or even use the bathroom. Instead of asking you to leave, she should have suggested that you continue trying the 2 hrs, then gradually increase the time in 1 hr increments. How unprofessional of her to suggest that you have caused this & that your situation is a "disaster". A lot of children go through this. Though where I live in MD, most children go to preschool before kindergarten , I had several students who had just been home with their moms - yes, it was an adjustment but we were patient, didn't push them to participate, & rewarded any small steps they made until they adjusted. Sometimes, the best motivation is seeing how much fun the other children are having. She just needed more time to adjust to the church center & for the length of time to be increased at a slower pace. I say try again at a different place where they will welcome your daughter & give her the chance she needs to adjust. Try getting some books from the library about starting kindergarten that you guys can read together, & really talk it up - new friends ,cool activities, etc. When you go to register maybe make it a special day & reward her lunch @ her fav place afterwards - somthing to make it excititng & fun. Also, if you still have concerns, contact your school's kindergarten team BEFORE school starts so they can have a plan of action ready to go the 1st day (such as assigning a buddy, setting up rewards, etc). Good luck & stay positive!
Some children have very shy natures and they don't just "get over it." What a cruel statement. It is not a sin to be shy. Why do we force our children to conform? Mother, you must not feel guilty for keeping your child home. This is the healthiest place for delicate personality. I have been teaching children for over 30 years. I have seen the different personalities. Let your daughter be who God created her to be. I think shy people are thinkers and the world is blessed by their inteligence. My son was very shy until age 10. We did not leave him places and let him cry. We homeschooled. Today he is a strong godly man with a very good job and lots of friends. If you send your daughter to kindergarten she will survive but I think she may be healthier and happier if you homeschool for a year or two. Young children only need two hours a day of interactive education. Follow your heart, Mom. AF
Layla,
I would suggest calling the school where your daughter is to attend kindergarten and ask to talk to the school psychologist about your concerns. Some schools even do a kindergarten "camp" for a bit before school starts for the kids who are super shy or nervous. I am sure your little one is not the first they have experienced like this. Ask if the school psychologist has any suggestions as to what you can do, what class would she be best in...things like that. See how often you can take her to school (I would take her a bunch, just to walk around and become familiar with the space), take her to the kindergarten playground so she is familiar with the equipment. Ask the school if they can think of another parent (who is a nice person) who has a child entering kindergarten and would the school be willing to call the parent (they probably won't give you the number) or forward an email from you about setting up some playdates with that other child (or a couple of kids, someone who is going to be in her class). If she knows some of the children in her class, she may be less anxious when school starts. If you have friends that you do playdates with now, see if you can start leaving her for intervals with your friend. (Offer to do the reverse.) Start with just driving around the block, and work up to longer trips. Hire a babysitter during the day. I say give school a shot, work with the professionals there, and give your sweet little girl some time. If school is tough at first, don't bail our right away. Remember, it takes 21 days to form a habit (that is 21 school days, which is longer than 3 weeks). Ask the school to evaluate her skills to make sure that she is ready for kindergarten. The last thing to remember is that you (as a parent) have the right to hold her back a year. Maybe she isn't ready...there is being ready academically, and being ready socially.
Good luck (sorry if this is rather jumbled)
Noelle
Layla,
I got tears in my eyes reading your post. I was going to tell you to homeschool; but as I was reading all your responses it was helping me also to consider other ways of going about it. I think if you can....waiting a year would take alot of pressure off both of you and give you and her more time to prepare. Anyway though ...my 24 yr old was homeschooled and it was VERY easy. The curriculum she followed along herself after she was a little older and when they are younger they only need a couple hrs a day anyway. She did wonderful on her college as well. Even if it is you that needs to regroup on the whole idea I would try to wait till next year. As has been said.."follow your heart". And pray about it :) Here goes another prayer for ya!
Kathleen
Please consider the postings here advising you to at least consider waiting a year.
Also, please be aware that these days, kindergarten is a lot more like first grade was when most of us were kids--a LOT more will be expected academically of your daughter than you realize, and if she is also struggling with separation and social anxiety at the same time, she will have problems academically and that will add to her frustration.
But Layla, if you keep her out of kindergarten for another year, please send her to some form of preschool--I know money is an issue, but can you revisit finances somehow? Talk to people at your church or a mom's group or anywhere for advice about other preschools than the ones you're aware of? If money is a really big problem, some preschools might have scholarships available.
Homeschooling is fine but in this particular case won't help her with the issue of social and separation anxieties. She needs to be in an organized, friendly, school-like setting away from you; she needs to learn about being with other kids and adults, being on someone else's routine and not her own/home routine, following directions from someone other than you, and most of all, realizing that the school day ends with mom always being there for her so it's OK to leave mom the next time. Better to struggle with these basics in a preschool than in kindergarten, where the teachers have a lot on their plates and are required to get through the academics and may not have as much time to give her individual attention for her separation issues.
If you just must send her to kindergarten this fall, please ask the school right now (not the first day of school!) if there are special services. A friend's daughter got extra services (individual help) in public school for socialization issues and now she's doing great. This may require you to have a counselor or doctor officially diagnose your daughter somehow--I am not sure, but a school counselor should be able to advise you. Good luck.
Don't worry! Your daughter is turning 5 in July? My little brother was a July birthday too - and he didn't go to kindergarten until he was 6. In fact, I remember that most of kids with summer birthdays at my school started when they were 6. Take this year and work on getting her socialized - if you can find some other families whose kids will start kindergarten in 2009 you could make some play dates, and get her excited about making friends.
I would register your daughter for K, talk to a school counselor to see if they can help (I would not count on them though). Then there is also fairfax county program called Child Find (http://www.fcps.edu/ss/preschool/childfind/screening.htm) They are huge help. (if you live in Arlington county there is a simular program. call fairfax county and they will give you arlington country child find phone number) And they are free of charge but with lots of paper work. They also provide a local preschool for free if you child needs help. They also work with your local school in order to help your child. I had many moms that got help from them. Some children did not even need much help but Fairfax country will do screening and decide if your child needs help. Then I would try to find a girl/girls in neighoborhood (by going to the local park or a local library) who will be going to the same school. I would arrange play dates with them after your daughter meets with them a few times at the park. You daughter needs a friend to be with her at the school so she feels safe just like when my son first went to a day care he had his staff animal with him (my son is 1.5 years old). The staff animal was a piece of his home that made him feel safe. I hope it helps. What area do you live in? If you live in vienna, VA there is Vienna moms club that I highly recomend.
Layla,
Hang in there. I am a Kindergarten teacher and I see this every year. During open house or meet the teacher night (before school starts) make sure to let the teacher and school counselors be aware of the situation. You may want to set up a time to talk to the teacher before the school year starts since it is often hard for the teacher to give you individual attention at open house. You may want to give your child a tour of the school before it opens so that she is familar with the school (and you can also take pictures and make a book if that gets her excited - plus she can show it off to family and they can get excited with her). There are TONS for books about starting Kindergarten and those would be a good place to start preparing her emotionally. Try reading the Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, it is about a racoon going off to school and how he handles being away from her using his "kissing hand". You and your child can develop you own "kissing hand". I agree with many other posts about getting to know other children that may be in her class. I know that at some schools you can request that your child be in a class with another child so that the transition goes smoother. If your school stagger starts (where 1/3 of the class goes one day and then stays home a day or two for the rest of the kids to start, you may want to request that she come on the last day of stagger start so that she doesn't go one day and then stay home with you for several days). Also, stay strong when you drop her off or put her on the bus because she is looking to you for clues about how she should feel about this situation. If she cries give her a hug and then go. I know it sounds heartless but the longer parents hang out the longer the tears continue to flow. When she gets home play it up about how much fun she had. I know that I call parents during the first day of school (while the kids are in gym, art, etc...) and let them know how the day is going. You could request this of your child's teacher or counselor. I know that with some kids we make a chart and if they come into class without crying and try hard to be a part of the group we mark it on their chart. Rewards are decided on by child and parent. I want you to hang in there and 99% of kids are fine within several weeks of starting school. If you have any questions feel free to email me: [email protected].
Layla - When we were kids, no one went to pre-school and it was much less common that kids went to daycare. Further, kindergarten was 1/2 day. I can remember going to "safety town" when I was four -- it was the first school experience I had away from home. It was only a couple of hours a day for a few weeks -- I was so shy and scared. I can remember with absolute clarity not wanting to go into that classroom and crying and begging my mom not to leave.
I absolutely hate it when people tell me that my kid will just need to "get over it". I mean, utlimately that is basically true - but every child is different and that sort of transition is much more difficult for some children than others.
Some people might suggest you consider waiting another year before you send your child to kindergarten. I think this is becoming more and more common - especially for kids that turn 5 the summer before kindergarten. My friend is considering this with her child because he is still having potty issues and he is very tiny for his age. Another option is to go up to the school now and talk with the principal and other staff and get their suggestions. You might be able to take your daughter on a tour or meet with her counselor or correspond with her teacher before school starts. Get books from the library about starting kindergarten - there are a ton of them - or even movies. If you know other kids in the neighborhood that are going to kindergarten, try to get your daughter together for a few play outings. Some places have summer sports and you can request to have your kid on a team with kids that will be at your school/in your class (CYA sports in Chantilly does this).
In any event, try not to show your own anxiety to your child as this will most certainly not help the situation. From a parent of a 7 year old (going into second grade) and a boy who will enter kindergarten this fall also -- best of luck!
CW
Hi Layla! You do have a rough situation on your hands and I truly hope it gets better for you soon. I don't really have much to say that others haven't already said. I do like the idea of waiting another year for kindergarten. My oldest daughter has an August birthday and we did send her. She will be 7 soon, and starting second grade. She is doing OK right now but I am constantly worried that I might have made the wrong decision (and she has NO problem in the social department!) My other daughter will be 5 in November, and misses the school cut-off. I'm actually glad that she'll be one of the older ones when she starts. If I were you, I would use this upcoming here to get her ready for kindergarten in Fall of 2009. I don't know where you live, but here in Fairfax there are plenty of preschools that cost around $200 for the entire month, not just one week! $200 a week for preschool seems a little ridiculous. That must have been for the whole day?! Send her to a pre-K program for 3 days a week, 3 hours per day, or something like that. Anyway, good luck with your decision. Keep us all posted :)
Katie
Hi Layla. I just wanted to tell you that you sound like a wonderful Mom and that your little ones are sure lucky to have you! I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is to watch (and hear about) your child going through this. I know it was hard for me to watch my son go through really hard times too.
I am a homeschooling Mom and I felt like I needed to share with you that maybe she's really not ready for a school setting just yet. And it's okay. I know it may seem like there's just not enough time in your upcoming schedule to homeschool her but let me show you there really is.
You see, most of us who have been to school think of homeschooling as "school-at-home." That would be kinda like we did as little girls with our friends in school desks doing lessons on paper with music class, P.E. and art class too. For some families, maybe that does happen and just maybe it works for them. But not for most of us. LOL Nope. For our family it took 2 awful yrs of school for us to "try" homeschooling our oldest son. He was so not ready for a school setting and becasue we didn't know any better (or different) at the time, we thought they were the "experts" and would know what to do with him and could show us. We couldn't have been further from the truth!
I bet you have already homeschooled her for 4yrs, right? You taught her to walk and talk, how to eat and drink from a cup. How about ABC's & 1,2,3's? I bet she's working on those now, right? How about colors? I bet you have helped her learn those too, right? See? You have already been homeschooling her you just haven't been calling it that...until today. :)
And how much time have you spent on teaching her these things, at HER own pace, each day? I bet it safe to say she's been happier at home too, right? So maybe the answer is to keep doing what you've been doing all along. Just simply take it one year at a time. It really is that easy.
Learning is supposed to be fun and enjoyed. And as a mom, you will love the "light bulb moments" when she understands something new.
I know it may seem so over-whelming, especially with your upcoming schedule change. However, for your little lady, who really needs you right now, I know that you can do it and do it very well.
Let me know if you have any questions about homeschooling. I love to share what I have learned over the yrs. If I don't know the answers, I do know places we can go to fing them. LOL We are currently going into our 6th yr of homeschooling and have added 2 brothers as well. And please do not let the socialization fear get you down. LOL There's a homeschool bumper sticker that says "Beware! Unsocialized homeschooler in car." LOL!!!!!!!! There are so MANY affordable activities we can do as homeschoolers with other homeschoolers. It's so much fun for all of us.
Hope to hear from you soon. Take Care!
Norma =) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 7 & 2 yrs old; married to Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. We help other families, like ours, save money each and every month on their shopping budget. You can too just simply ask me how!