My parents retired to Florida two years ago and since then my father's health has drastically declined. He feels he will not live much longer, and I agree. He has COPD and is on home oxygen, needs help with dressing, bathing, and can't walk 5 feet without losing his breath even on the oxygen. His quality of life has declined, and our recent talks have been centered on end of life care, the funeral, and what will happen to my mother, who has mild dementia. My mother is his main caregiver, and she is tired. They have someone to do cleaning, shopping, and driving to appointments. My parents have no family in Florida, and do not want to move, because they think the weather will help my father live longer. Since I was a teenager, I have always told them I would be there for them, and they wouldn't have to go to a hursing home, unless I physically could no longer provide in home care. Now, however, I have a 2 year old, and a 4 month old, a stable job, and the whole childcare thing worked out. My husband works on Fort Meade as a contractor, and is unable to find any comparable positions in the area of Florida where we need to be. I know I could find a job, but my husband would end up being stay at home dad, and he would be unhappy, but he is willing to do it (he is really supportive). And if we move, we know no one but my parents, who are 74 and 76. I guess my question is, has anyone had experience caring for elderly parents in poor health who live far away? What did you do or not do? Any suggestions? I love my parents and want to be there for them, but I feel torn between them and my own family. I have been thinking about this so much I have thought myself into a corner and see no way out.
Been there. My my mom was seriously disabled for 10 years after a bad stroke before her death in 2005, and I lived 600 miles away. My sister lived near her but it was no solution; she and my sister had a tortured relationship and the strain of it all nearly ended my relationship w/ my sis. So this is a familiar agony.
First: if you don't have it already, get a durable power of attorney for both parents, so you will be ready to make day-to-day decisions on a moment's notice should one of them suddenly need it. Absolutely essential.
Do they have long-term care insurance? That can be a huge help.
You already have someone in to help with household stuff, so that base is covered. You might also investigate hiring someone to do their routine financial stuff. There are bonded CPAs and eldercare practitioners who do this, and it can be a lifesaver; lots of elderly folks forget to pay their utilities and routine bills and it's easier to keep things from going south than to straighten them out once they do. You should probably keep track of their long-term investments.
There are no easy answers to this. But just my opinion, I think you should talk to your parents seriously about moving them here. I cannot believe that those muggy Florida summers are better for your dad's lung condition than conditions here--and if it's cold winters they're worried about, well, I doubt they'll be doing much outdoors. A climate-controlled environment is pretty much the same wherever you go. Tell 'em it's pure math: you have three people depending on you here, versus two in Florida. They get outvoted. Parents should not give up their lives for their children, and the reverse is also true. Plus, they'd get to see the grandkids regularly! (My youngest daughter's only memory of my mother is in a nursing home, but they are fond memories. It's important for kids to know their grandparents.)
There are tons of financial issues here, and I'm not up to speed on Medicare and Medicare Part B and all that stuff, so the rest of my advice is to look around for a good eldercare advisor. It's a growing field, and you could probably get a good start in looking for some reputable ones at the AARP website.
I wish you the best. Doing the right thing won't be easy, and it won't always be obvious you're doing it at the time, but ask for guidance and plow ahead.
My prayers go out to you and your family! I can't image what you are going through but I am glad your husband is supportive. I don't know if this is possible, but you should be able to take time off (just like having a baby) to care for your parents and still return to your employer. My grandmother whose now 90 was having some problems and lives 3 hours away from my parents, so my mother would spend 3 months with her, come home for 1 month and go back for another 3 months. She did that for about a year and was blessed to find someone to look in on my grandmother everyday. My grandmother refuses to move with my parents or to go into a assisted living facility. She has cataracts, fractured both hips and is a diabetic. For the past year she's been blessed and doing much better, she no longer cooks and cleans, someone else does that and my mother isn't as stressed because she knows she's being cared for.
In Maryland & D.C. there is an organization called Daughter for a Day, see if such an organization exists in FL, this way they can be driven to Dr. appointment, have their shopping done, etc.
I hope this has helped.
God Bless!
Hi Tara, my parents are 72 and 75, live in Florida (have for many years now) and I have a 4 year old. We moved to Maryland with a job opportunity for my husband. My parents have both been in the hospital in the last month, and my father has ongoing cardiac issues.
My parents have, fortunately, built a great network of friends and church contacts, but their declining health is going to begin to be a problem. I don't think I'd be able to talk them into moving if it became necessary, so I can understand your dilemna. If your parents are new to their area, maybe a bit more coaxing to move this direction would be helpful. I agree with one writer that you've got to make your life with your husband and children. My parents are supportive of that-I don't know if it's an issue for you. Do you have other siblings?
I don't know if you're an older mom (I am) or a young mom with older parents, but I know I regret the time they aren't (and won't) be able to spend with my daughter. It's difficult for them to travel as much any more and they don't have the stamina to keep an active 4 or 5 year old for any length of time. Hopefully they will reconsider moving closer, since that is advantageous for them and you.
I don't have advice really, but wanted you to know there are others in a similar place. If you need an ear, let me know. Good luck with your decisions.
Karen