Hi all - so my daughter is in 4th grade and she only got two of her “old” friends from previous years in the same classroom. It usually takes her some time to make friends but she mentioned that she really liked 3 other girls. There are 3 more girls whom she does not really care about so 9 girls total in the classroom.
She had her 10th birthday party and we decided to invite just two of her “old” friends from that classroom because she has many friends from other classrooms and outside of her grade and we didn’t want to say invite 5 girls from the classroom and exclude 3. However, one of those two “old friends” girls mentioned to everyone in the classroom at the morning circle on Monday that she went to my daughter’s birthday party over the weekend.
I was very annoyed because who does that? I mean it’s etiquette 101 for kids not to talk about someone’s playdates or birthdays if others weren’t invited or are seen there… I mean don’t kids at age 9 or 10 know better. It’s particularly annoying because that specific girl’s feeling are often hurt no matter how small things are and her parents always mention things to others (“my daughter’s feelings were hurt because…” ) for her not to think of feelings of others when she said that.
My daughter felt terrible because she said she didn’t want anyone to feel excluded (but we just did not have the capacity to invite everyone). I also think that now when other girls do anything they might not include my daughter if they feels like she didn’t include them. What do you think?
That does sound unfortunate, however don’t hold it against the girl. She’s only 10, and sometimes kids just don’t think about things. Then again, I understand that it can get tiring if your daughter has to walk on eggshells around this gal for fear of hurting her feelings. In any case, I think at that age, kids might start shifting to not inviting everyone to a party as they did in preschool or the younger grades, so it was perfectly reasonable for you to only invite the kids whom she wanted to include. If you are concerned about the relationships with the other three girls, what if your daughter invited one or more of them to go play in the park, for a playdate, or for some kind of low-key social time? That would communicate that your daughter likes them and give them a chance to start a deeper friendship.
I think there has to be a balance between not bragging about one’s privileges and having to keep a secret about attending a party. If your daughter had invited all but one in a class, that would be rude. Choosing a few is called socializing. I think it’s fine for kids to learn to make choices in friends and decide who they really like. When they get older, you want them to date only the people they like and not feel they should keep seeing someone they turned out not to like so much. We raise our kids (especially our daughters) to be so super inclusive that they never say no to anyone. Not everyone gets a trophy, not everyone makes the varsity, not everyone gets invited everywhere. This competition will be in full force in a few weeks, when some kids get very little from Santa and other kids are strutting around talking about their tickets to Disney World, you know? If the friend is saying, “I got invited to Janie’s party and you didn’t, ha ha ha,” that’s obviously wrong, and I wish teachers wouldn’t assign “What I did on my summer vacation” stories to be read out loud (or leave it too open-ended at morning circle), because it sets kids apart. I must say I resented the “whole class” invitations because they felt like “gift grab” events. Gifts got piled up and opened at home, kids never learned to open a gift (and say thank you even if they hated it) and other kids never learned to be a good guest (admire a gift choice and be happy for the birthday kid). And parents need to butt out a little more - teaching kids to deal with disappointment and to be gracious is a survival skill; calling other parents to complain about invitations is not helpful. Your daughter had a small party with a small guest list, end of story - however, it’s really not something your daughter has to defend or explain away. The proper response to the friend “spilling the beans” is something like, “Glad you had fun” or “I’ll have to wish Janie a happy birthday.” I think urging kids not to brag is one thing, but having high etiquette expectations of kids who are 10 is bound to be frustrating - if for no other reason than most parents don’t drill their kids on what they’re allowed to talk about. Maybe the friend’s parents could say, “You know, it might hurt some kids’ feelings to know they weren’t invited” but I don’t think outrage is warranted. I mean, one of these days, kids are going to wear a tee shirt from the party venue or wear a sweatshirt that says “Disney” on it, and others just have to move on with what’s really important in life. If your daughter might like to play with some of the non-invitees, I agree with “alewinson” that she can set up a day in the park or a skating day on the frozen pond. But she doesn’t owe them another date if she wouldn’t enjoy their company. I also think it would help if you educated her that, if the other girls don’t invite her now, they may be kind of petty or may not feel she’s a close friend either. That’s not an insult - she needs to choose kids she really enjoys, and if that changes in subsequent grades, it’s fine.
She is just 10, and while she may have been told not to tell others when she goes out with a friend due to hurting their feelings, it may have slipped out, or someone asked her what she did that weekend and she blabbed, innocently. I think it’s up to the other girl’s parents to teach her that this is life, sometimes you are included in events but other times you are not, and because the girls don’t know each other very well, maybe she was not invited as she only was allowed to invite her closest friends, or because of a capacity issue that limited the amount of guests. This is perfectly fine. I would not want to be responsible for watching 10 10-year-olds all on my own, so I don’t see what is unreasonable about a parent limiting the amount of guests at a child’s party. It’s not your responsibility or your daughter’s to teach this little girl that life sometimes has disappointments and to apologize profusely.
This is a good time for her parents to start teaching her that lesson, in a child-friendly, age-appropriate, kind way. Hopefully they will teach her not to hold a grudge or be upset about this, and to instead befriend your daughter so that hopefully next time, she is also included in the small group of friends. Can you imagine what would happen if she were in a class of 20 or 30 kids? There is no way all those kids are going to invite every single kid of the class to a party. Eventually, this is what happens in middle school and in high school…larger classes and friendships becoming more exclusive, so it’s not too early for the girl to learn to find ways to cope with her disappointment. Again, not your fault or your daughter’s, nor your job to worry about this.