My daughter has asked me what the word sex means and what sex is. She is 9. I explained to her that some questions are very difficult to answer and that I would like some time to think about it so I answer it the best way I can. She accepted that but I feel I need to give her an answer soon. Any suggestions? How much should a 9-year-old know? It's obvious someone, probably a kid at school, has used the word or talked about it. Otherwise she wouldn't be asking. I do realize she could have also gotten it from TV.
We have already talked about her body, periods, developing, and those other basics.
In the last few minutes, since I originally posted this, she has added the question "how does the baby get in someone's belly?" She already knows how it comes out. I told her I would answer that question with her others after I have time to think about it.
Not to long ago someone asked a similar question, they suggested the American Girl book...they have several and my 9 year loves it. It doesn't address sex per se but talks about body changes etc, I found it at Books Amillion but have seen it at Target and Meijer. May give her answers but not quite to the questions you want her to have :)
This is so freaky because i am only about a year away from this! I would start by asking her why she wants to know, and maybe find out what she already knows. Then be honest with her but at her level. Use correct terminology so you avoid any further confusion. I would just make sure she knows how happy you are that she is comfortable talking with you and that she can always come to you with any of her questions. Let us know how it all pans out.
Well, I would be as honest as possible, try to keep things simple, but most importantly make sure you make it clear that it is very very serious. It might just be time for you to tell it like it is no matter how awkward it maybe. You don't want her to get the wrong information.
WOW my son just turned 9 and this post made my heart stop. Firstly understand that while she might have heard something at school it could just as likely be television, daytime televsion is TERRIBLE. I've ahd to explain many things i'd rather not, like why the man was dressed as a women, ect. becaue of something my kids walked into the room and saw, and we are talking about between 5-6 at night. But regardless the more you can find out about what she thinks sex is the better you can gage what she needs to know at this point. fix any misconceptions she might have and be sure to convey your veiws whatever they might be. good luck.
Hi Gina,
My daughter is 9 (10 in Oct) and we have a very open dialogue about this topic. The fact that your daughter asked what sex is means that she is ready for an honest answer.
My daughter asked 2yrs ago how a single woman can have a baby, b/c she knew in a vague way that her mom and dad "made" babies. So I plainly asked her if she really wanted to know how babies are made. She had already learned how they come out, and why c-sections are sometimes needed, so I explained sex to her. She has a little brother, so she knows what a penis is. The whole thing is shocking at first, we all have to remember when we first found out the truth! But it is best if WE the parents teach our children the facts, and instill our values as well.
I emphasized to her to not share this info w/ her friends, that it was their parents' duty to teach them as well.
Her school has zero tolerance for sexual harassment, so if your daughter is feeling uncomfortable about anything that may be being said/joked about at lunch/recess (happened last yr w/ my daughter and was resolved) so this is another reason why she needs to feel comfortable talking to you.
And it's ok to not know the answer--just say "I'm not quite sure, let's find out together."
Good luck!
Kelly
I was a Psych major in college and in 2 different classes, 2 very moral great professors advocated for teaching kids about sex pre-pubescent, so 9 is a great age. Otherwise it becomes awkward when their vulnerability limits them from being open to communication. It is better she hear about it from you than from her friends. Kids can get so many views of sex from media, music, tv, friends, school, you name it. What a great way to shape and influence your daughter! This can build a great trust between you two, so that if she has issues, she can come talk. Depending on how you want to go about it, you don't have to go into great detail. (I'm not sure that at the age of 9 I would want my daughter knowing about oral sex, etc.) You could simply communicate that sex is between a man and a woman who love each other...choose marriage...yada yada yada... (you could also insert a bit about how people/media misconstrue sex as something as using another person as a means of gratification, and could talk to her about true love. You could also discuss with her about the menstrual cycle and babies and tie that in with the love thing.
How far you want to go with part names and details is your call. From what I'm gathering, you want her to be educated, but not a wikipedia source for sex.
Really, this start of conversation can be a continuous dialogue for years between you two. (More details and more questions as they get older). And the fact that you're open to talking to your daughter about it is a great starting point and you're setting her up for success. Best wishes and God bless! Hope this helps :)
The problem is that kids are learning more about the things we learned about as teens. My daughter is 34 and asked a couple quwstions at the age of 10. I was told that you tel them minimal info to just the questions they ask. I started to talk to her and she replied that she learned most of it in the 3rd grade. I was in the 7th or 8th when I learned it. I don't know how far or how many question even short answers will cause ofr you, but I still believe in telling just minimal to only their questions. Good luck.
My son at age 8 wanted to know how babies were made. We had just got pregnant, so his questions were normal. I bought a book called "It's so amazing". It's geared for kids and it's all about the reproductive system and, of course, sex. I think it's normal for kids to ask these questions. Good luck!
When my 7 year old daughter asked me about babies, I told her that a daddy plants a seed in mommy's tummy. That seed grows into a baby just like plant seeds grow into plants. That seems to satisfy her. When she asked about sex, I told her that it's something that only moms and dads do to show they love each other, and it's a very private and personal thing, and that's why private parts are private. They are used for sex. That worked for now.
The only advice I can give you is to be open with her. My parents didn't talk to me about anything, so I was clueless and naive about, well.........everything!! Needless to say don't be graphic, lol, but the more you act like the subject is off limits and the more uncomfortable you are with it, the more curious she'll be!!
Be open with her and tell her everything. What grade is she is? Around here, they take the 5th graders to the Lilly Center the 2nd week of school and they get the full-on sex-ed talk there. The schools tell the parents in the informational meeting ahead of time (like in the spring) to discuss it with their children before the field trip. It's never too soon to start the dialogue because a ridiculous percentage of 10 year olds are having sex these days. Last year while delivering my 3rd child a hospital nurse told me an 11 year old was in the room next door delivering a baby. She said that it's not that uncommon anymore to have a 12 year old pregnant. That's just scary. Most of the time, the kids say they had no clue because the parents hadn't told them the facts and they learned the "facts" from other kids (which are almost always wrong). I don't want to scare you, but you should jump on this and tell her everything she needs to know to protect herself.
Hi Gina. Keep it simple. You don't have to tell her a lot of detail. You can very briefly explain that sex is when 2 people love eachother and that is how the baby gets in the belly. She is 9 and doesn't need to know a lot of detail.
Kids talk a lot and listen a lot. I would be honest. Explain that when someone asks what sex you are, it is male or female, meaning girl or boy, which is the difference in our bodies- go into detail if she needs you to. Then, explain that the word sex is also used for the act of a man and woman making love, and in doing so, his sperm (like a seed) goes into the woman and if it joins with her egg, a baby grows. Let her decide if she is satisfied with that or if she has further questions.
My oldest son told my daughter what rubbers were when he was in Kindergarten! I asked him about it and sure enough, he knew and someone on the bus had told him. I made it clear that he was not to tell anyone else.
some times honesty with out a lot of detail is enough to gross them out..sex= something married people do in the privacy of their bedroom with private parts EWE MOM
Babies get into bellies from that act. If she wants more, I'll explain more to you when you are older for now, that is all you need to know.
Or get her the AMERICAN GIRL book about our bodies, it is really good, explained well and you can TAPE SHUT theparts you don;t feel she is ready to learn at this time.
I am completely open with any questions my kids have. I figure if they're asking something particular, then it's my job as their parent to answer their question honestly and openly. If I don't, I can't expect them to return the favor to me. I have a 6 year old who every once in a while will ask questions like "how does a baby come out?" I tell her. She asked how it gets there and I said that "women carry eggs, and when they're fertilized they sometimes create a baby." If she would've asked more questions, I would've answered them, but she didn't and hasn't. I think 9 is plenty old enough to know about the birds and the bees. I think it's best to let them know before they find out about it from their friends because friends tend to make things strike a kid's curiosity too much. If a kid already knows about it, they would hopefully have the outlook of "Oh, well I already knew that." It wouldn't have that enticing sense that kids can put on it.
I just experience this with my 10 yr daughter. She had details because one of the girls googled sex and told them about it on playground. I had no option but to discus this with her. I have always told my kids they can ask me anything and I won't get mad. But that doesn't mean they are ready to hear everything. My 10 year old really didn't want to know about it. She was horrified! I tried to make it as light as possible but I could see her processing this and not being comfortable. I think there is no reason to go into details. Just because they ask, doesn't necessarily mean they are ready to hear. I would just try to keep it simple and just say, it is a way a man & women show love to each other. If she continues to ask, just remind her that it isn't something she need to worry about, when the time is right you will sit her down and discuss it with her. I know our school has a talk with the 5th grade girls so I am assuming we may have more questions then. If your school does that you might tell her that in 5th grade you will talk with her again.
Hi Gina,
Isn't this just a bundle of fun? It can be hard, because you don't want them racing to grow up and you certainly don't want to be the person that provides the information that helps them grow up faster. On the other hand here are some things to consider.
When she had a question that she needed an answer to, she trusted you enough to come to YOU to get it. That is about the most beautiful and rewarding feeling I have had as a parent. My child trusts me, even when it is hard or embarassing. You want to make sure you honor that by being truthful to her.
By telling her about sex, you will be able to make sure she knows the REAL information. What you tell her won't have all the propaganda about her sexuality that she gets in today's media. You will be able to add your moral code, so that she understands what you want her to feel and think about sexual activity and the presciousness of the act. You will also be able to work in why she is prescious and be the person to mold what she thinks of herself and her own sexuality. That's a great opportunity.
This will not be the last difficult question. In fact (and you can trust me on this), they get harder. You will be setting a precedent for being her "go-to-girl" for truthful information given in a nonjudgemental way. This will be priceless as she gets older and her choices get harder.
As to how, use clinical terms. If you haven't called her bottom her vagina yet, do so. Explain the difference between boys and girls anatomically and why we were created that way. Explain that when all the pieces of the puzzle fit together, so to speak, the man gives the woman his sperm and that when his sperm travels up her body and reaches the egg that a baby can be made. Then use the time to explain the importance of waiting and all the other stuff you want her to know. Like another person said, stress that this is information that she should keep to herself for her own knowledge. Her friend's mommies and daddies will want to tell her friends themselves and she needs to respect that.
This talk really is a blessing, even if it is a bit awkward. I hope this helps.
Lisa
Hello. I'm sure this may be a hard question for you to answer but just tell her everything. Kids now days know more than you think. i know a 9 yr who got pregnant. I started my period at the age of 9 so i think now would be the time to explain this to her. I've already began to tell my daughter different things about life and she's only 8. my dad told me everything about sex when i was 9. i'm going to do the same for my daughter because i don't want her to ask questions to any one else. I guess whenever you feel your ready to tell her you and how much info you want to tell her you can. well good luck!!!
I would be very factual about it - kids this age are close enough to puberty to begin knowing the proper terminology and functions of body parts. However, I would put extra emphasis on not having sex much, much later in life...