Staying positive is best! Um, I remember my girls saying that (about not being good or can't listen very well, because they aren't good enough), but it was only because at the time we were in a rough spot in life and I had to stay with my sister and her husband (VERY ABUSIVE TO KIDS AND EACH OTHER) they really liked playing mind games. I would repeat myself to my girls all the time and became frustrated, but instead of yelling or being mean about anything, I would walk over and grab them gently and ask one last time in a gentle voice and at THEIR eye level, (So they don't feel threatend) "Can You Please DO what I asked?!" and it always worked. They don't have that negative attitude or negative response anymore, its more like now (11years and 10years of age) I really don't want to do that. I will do that when I get there. And because I never spanked my kids or hit them or used fowel language or discouraged them, I SPOILED MY GIRLS! But, if that's spoiling, I am PROUD TO DO SO!
Hello Melissa,
Sounds like all 4 of you have been overly accommodating. I did this too, until a teacher pointed it out. I gave full details of what we planned to do, when we would do it, the steps we would go through and etc. before we even began. (like a trip to the library or the store-I did it to make things run smoother.) What I actually did was created a "handicap" and my child could not deal with sudden decisions or requests to do something. He then began a discussion-because all our interactions went like that...I'd make a statement, like we're going to the store. He would respond why?or some other question for me to provide more details. Unknowingly, we all were doing it. There was no rush with regular trips, however once we created the monster and then wanted him to move quickly-he couldn't. We'd say, "Come here" because he was too close to the sidewalk near the street. He did not move because he wasn't ready to come-to him things still seemed calm so there was no rush. Same at school, your child may not feel the need to stop talking-it seems as if everyone else is still talking. (Never mind that it is because they are initiating the conversations!) We all were giving positive reinforcement, "You did such a good job when we went to the store" so when we showed any displeasure-he felt like he was a failure. You all should make 2 or 3 requests a day, where you just need her to do something without questions. A teacher I know has a special phrase she says in her classroom. All the children line-up for a fire drill and then she gives them a direction and they must follow it without talking. She made it something like a serious game. She used it because the children would cry and be very afraid when fire alarms went off. My neice used it to "re-train" her son-who had the same problem. She says the word SWITCH. (To them, that means to switch from whatever is going on to following her words exactly. When she says SWITCH he immediately comes to her as fast and as quietly as he can. Then she tells him to do something. Maybe she will say get your pj's, or put your toys away, or take something upstairs and put it away, then come back to me. She does at home and away from home. After a couple weeks of "the game" he got used to just following commands without negotiations. They still talk and have long discussions about planning out activities, and he has learned that sometimes in certain situations we will not have a discussion about what we need to do, we just follow the directions and we are not sad, or mad at each other. We do it because if helps us to complete tasks quicker, and then we may have time to chitchat about other things later. It may take you 3 months before it sinks in because you all "trained" her provided those examples of how to act over a 4 year period. We also showed our son by playing the game between the adults in the house. My husband would say-Will you take this upstairs? I would grab it, hurry up and do it, and come back saying I'm done! He would smile, say thank you, and then we would go our separate ways I would tell him to come and sit down-and he would do it. We tried to do it in a way that we always seemed happy to follow the direction even though we were busy having fun, we obeyed because it wasn't asking us to do anything wrong. It resulted in a better listener, and someone who seemed happy to help. Hope this helps you.
I don't really have anything to add as far as the listening goes but on the "bad girl" stuff this is my answer...
I have always been very strict with anyone that tries to tell my boys they are bad. I feel that children are never bad but sometimes the choices that they make are bad. It sounds to me like someone has told your daughter that she is bad. Find out who and put an immediate stop to it. SHE IS NOT BAD and you can tell her I said so. She just has to learn the difference between good and bad choices. She's a good girl that just sometimes makes bad choices. Please explain that to her and see if it helps. Good luck to you! If nothing else you do have my support. Shannon
All I can say is she was tired. She is stubborn, she is headstrong, and she wants to be in control of something in her life.
Unfortunately, this is the time to let her know you are the parent. Who is telling her she is a "bad girl" and where did she get the idea she just "can't listen"? Children do not come up with that type of comment on their own!!! You need to find out where she got this type of feed back about herself.
Explain to her that there are rules and regulations she has to live with. Bed time is an established time and she needs to go to bed at that time. Crying is not going to change anything and she will still be going to bed at X crying or not.
It isn't a matter of listening to you. She listened, she heard, she just didn't like what you said!!!! When I was a child I think my parents called it manipulation and refused to accept it. My children tried it, believe me, the child I am raising because my foster daughter walked out and left him behind has tried it.
I am concerned about her saying she is a bad girl, however, and she needs to understand that good people can do the wrong thing. That she isn't bad, she just made a bad decision.
I will pray for you and hope you can find out who is telling her she is bad.
Pam R
Melissa, Don't sell yourselves short, she is probably going through a stage that is testing her and all of you, it is very typical for this age. One thing you may try is, after telling her something,asking her what she heard you say."tell me what I just said" it may give you some insight into how she interprets directions. Make sure you are not expecting too much. Just having 4 parents and a teacher giving instructions is overwhelming enough for a 4 year, old even under the best circumstances.
Children want to do what makes us happy. That you try to recognize when she is doing good deeds is half the battle. I like to use happy face tokens to enhance that recognition. Children like to collect and count things. These tokens are given as you recognize what she is doing. Just give one at a time and say something like, you may have 1 token for coming the first time I called you! Thanks for listening. As she collects them, start asking her how many she has. Make a list of things she can cash them in for. Individual things work best, ie, watch an extra 1/2 hour of TV, or play an extra 1/2 hour of video games, or get a happy meal when we go out to eat. Put a value of what it’s worth (to you) to let her cash her tokens in for each thing. Help her use her tokens to buy these things. When she loves the tokens and the list, which won’t take long, then you can start taking tokens when she doesn’t do what is expected. Things change real quick and the results can be amazing! For more information on this token system go to
http://foxholeparenting.com
There are all kinds of examples, audio and ideas here. The book I used to learn this system is called: From Combat Zone to Love at Home: The Happy Face Token System. You can find it here too. It is guaranteed to get amazing results.
Thank you all so much for the thoughtful, caring responses! We already do some of your suggestions (like reward charts, getting on her/their level when talking, praying, etc.) and will implement some of the others. I really like Martha’s suggestion to not just generalize by using the word “listen”, but actually speak the actions. Since I posted, she’s been doing great at home and at school (go figure!), but we still stay consistent with our words, encouragement, and discipline.
It’s great to know there are mom’s out there willing to help. God bless you all!