4 year old not getting it!

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21

Hello Kyra,

First let me say that I am from the generation before spanking was considered “abuse”. Personally, I think we had much better behaved children back then! I agree with whoever said spank first and then send to a room but the room needs to be some place where he has no toys or anything “fun” to play with. Having said that…my oldest was a biter until we bit back…not hard enough to break skin but hard enough to let him feel the pain he inflicted. It only took twice and he was done. Let his sister bite him if he bites her. I bet he’ll stop!
My 3 didn’t require alot of “discipline” b/c they knew the consequence would be spanking when young and as they got older and developed interests in different things…they were taken away. They all 3 turned out to be great!!

Enjoy the journey!!
Kim

22

It seems you are doing everything “right” in reaction to the child’s behavior.
The underlying ‘cause’ sometimes is as simple as sibling jealousy/rivalry and the child wanting to get some attention - even if it’s negative attention. The one other thing that could possibly help is time away from sister, and let him be a good “big boy” during those outing, to be reassured he is still loved by both parents.

23

I agree with another poster who suggested biting him back. Don’t break the skin, but he needs to feel the pain he’s causing. It will not ruin him for life!

I also believe that he should get more than one swat for banging on the door. I suggest one swat for each year - four good swats.

I also believe that 10 minutes in his room is not getting the point across. If he were mine, he would go to “Grandma’s jail.” I’ve posted about it before. It goes like this:

Child is sent to his/her room. They are now allowed to do ANYTHING but sit on the floor. Door stays open so you monitor.

They DO NOT come out for ANY REASON. They use the restroom when YOU give permission; they are not to ask. If they ask, the answer is no.

You take food to them at meal time. 10 minutes and all food is removed. There is NOTHING in between meals except a glass of water and perhaps a cracker or two. Again, only when YOU decide they can have it. If they ask, the answer is no.

They are allowed out for 10 minutes each evening for a bath; then right back to the room. No one interacts with them.

They are in jail. It sounds drastic, but so does your situation. And I BET it gets his attention!

24

My youngest was like this. We were so frustrated and at the end of our rope. We took him to therapy. What a difference! He has some serious anger issues along with Oppositional defiant disorder. The therapist taught him how to deal with his frustrations and I think having someone other than mom or dad to talk to was highly beneficial.
Now, this is not a magic bullet. We all had a lot of work to do. She worked with my husband and I as well to help give us skills to help him along.
It was beneficial to the whole family and we get to enjoy family time again!
Now, he does still have fits sometimes when he doesn’t get his way, but that is usually when he is tired and hungry. But, overall, it was well worth the 6 months in therapy!

25

I second the suggestion to put him into therapy. I am not saying he’s “messed up” – I’m just saying that professional assistance, to work through his anger/frustration would be a good idea. Because despite being consistent with consequences, it is not helping him to manage and deal with the anger. That’s not your fault, and not really his—he is still learning and getting a professional to assist you to help him and you just means that you’re being smart about it. My brother was this way, and didn’t start to improve until after he’d start seeing a child psychologist. He is now an upstanding member of society. :slight_smile:

26

I apologize if someone has already answered similarly since I haven’t taken the time to read all 23 responses that you received so far.

I had a psychologist recommend something that has been very effective at my home (of three boys!). Make your answer be “no” for an appropriate amount of time after the incident. Let me explain. Say that at 10:15am your son does bite his sister. You have put him in a time out, good. (When he is older, after the time out is a good time to review what the appropriate action would be in such a frustrating situation.) Next comes the hard part: say “no” if he wants candy, like “sorry, no candy as a snack: you bit your sister”; and again, “can I go play with my toys outside?” - “no, you bit your sister. You can’t go outside”. “Mom, I want to watch my favorite TV show” - “sorry, you aren’t allowed since you bit your sister.” So, he asks (even non-verbally) for something and you answer with no, because …

Now you don’t make this last all day. You decide when it has been long enough. And, believe me, the next time the biting happens, he may be sneaky enough to get the bite in when you don’t hear a scream; you just find the evidence on the sister’s arm. Make you answer “no” for a longer part of the day.

The psychologist was saying “for the rest of the day”, but after a few times with my youngest missing out on his favorite things for half of the day - I would give in or I would forget about it. :wink:

Be sure, at the end of a time out, to add a minute of discussion of the appropriate response / reaction in such a situation. What you are looking for here is getting to the point where he recognizes that his response could have been to ______ instead of the biting response (I suppose one “appropriate” response could be to move his toy to the other end of the room. Does he have a room or some space that is his space? He will need to be able to “get away” from his sister at times.)

BTW, I’ve heard the “I hate Mommy” and “Mommy, you’re mean” replies. Shrug those off. If you get through on the biting issue, you could start on the saying-bad-things-of-mommy an issue and say “no” for the day! :wink:

And, your child is quite normal to do something over and over again. Sometimes the negative consequence isn’t negative to him or the negative consequence doesn’t seem relevant, to him. What we think is a natural consequence, might not be tied to the negative behavior like we think it is.

Best of luck!

27

In your question, I didn’t really hear you give any other specifics on consequences other than you are spanking him. What else have you tried? IMHO spanking just doesn’t work. Study after study suggests this, as well. In my experience, it only “teaches” or “models” that violence is an acceptable behavior. If you are trying to prevent that type of behavior, then it really isn’t the right option for you. I think you know that already, otherwise you wouldn’t be getting the results you are getting or posting this question in the first place.

I would suggest perhaps having him evaluated and then trying some type of play therapy. You should also read the book Parenting With Love and Logic. It focuses on real consequences and teaches you how to model appropriate behavior and give consequences that teach him how to grow up to be responsible for his actions. Keep in mind that 4 is also a tough age. Many kids have a hard time letting go of the terrible 3’s and misbehave like this well into 4. Best wishes to you!

28

Thank you for the comments and encouragement thus far…Please keep it coming. As for the person who told me to stop yelling at him (I don’t yell at my son. One word, go to your room!. I don’t “beat him” for knocking on door. I simply warn him if he is going to pound kick and throw things at the door, I will give him a swat on the rear. I do give my daughter a time out. She’s usually not doing anything to warrant a bite or a hit. )…Please stop the judging…I’m not on here to be judged and neither are you. So peace!