I have an 18 year old daughter. She is in 11th grade, she works part time after school. She has no respect for me or my husband (her step dad). I constantly am doing for her, and she shows no appreciation for me at all.She talks to me worse than i would talk to a dog! She goes to school when she wants to!She does very little chores around the house. She had graduation exams today and she would not go to school because she was mad at me!The school called twice to see if she was comming. they told her it was very important that she went, but she still would not go.I dont no want to do with her.I'm scared to kick her out of the house because she would go to her friends that is very bad influence on her. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I've about gone as far as i can! My nerves are shot!!Somene please help me befor i have a nervous break down! thamks
Tough love is the only way. She is gonna have to learn on her own. Don't bail her out of trouble. We wouldn't put up with being treated like that by strangers... our kids are no different. They can love us later... right now is our time to raise them.
I hate to say it but you are going to have to sit down with her and tell her how it is going to be and find out what is wrong with her.. If you can't get through to her by talking then Tough Love is it. She is going to have to respect you and talk with you in order to grow up. Quit doing things for her and let her do them on her own If she doesn't want to do chores then she needs to pay bills as well as do her own stuff, ie laundry, food, utilities, rent, etc...
Hi Debbie,
Do you love her enough to let her suffer the consequences of her behavior? Tough Love is really tough on the parents, too. If you're doing everything for her now, how is she going to cope when she's on her own?
I agree that tough love is the best way to go. Tell her what you expect from her, but try not to be confrontational. At 18, she thinks she knows EVERYTHING ( trust me, I was there just a few years ago) and at this point you are going to have to let her learn through experience. My mom told me time and time again that "experience is the best teacher" and boy was she right. I didn't get into any trouble, but I realized that there were so many things I could have just bypassed if only I had listened to my parents. I wouldn't kick her out of the house yet, but if her behavior and her attitude does not get better it may be an option. I always knew that if I did not abide by my parents rules, that I would be out on my behind, but I think you should try to give her time to get it together. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you and your family!
18...she's legally an adult. If she thinks she's grown....treat her like it. I would tell her she's on her own. She might run to wrong influences....but she'll realize how good she had it. When she comes running back make sure she abides by your laws. If she doesn't go to school and treats you like crap does she have privlidges? Cell phone, TV, computer, money, get to go and do w/ friends???
You teach people how to treat you. My 17 year old sister came to live with me and it's SSOOOO tough. I had to demand respect. I got a scary glimpse into raising a teenager. Does anyone know how I can freeze my little ones???? (my sweet babies) It was so tough have a teenager in the house, but I found like little ones...consistancy was key
Hi Debbie,
As a single mother of three girls, I am telling you from experience that it sounds like "tough love" is called for in this situation.
It sounds like your 18 year old knows that you won't kick her out so she can do whatever she wants to you without consequence. I say, put her on the street and let her fend for herself. She is old enough to have a job and responsibilities and if she is not willing to help out around your house and accept responsibility for her own actions, then there is nothing YOU can do to change that. HOWEVER, you DON'T have to keep her around for you to be her maid and servant.
At 18, your child is an adult! Make her be one. That is generally the issue with that age group. They claim to be adults and don't want others to hold authority over them; yet, they are unaware of HOW to be an adult and seek the safety net of MOM or DAD being there to pick them up when they fall. In all fairness to her, you owe it to HER to allow her to fail on her own so she can see what it is like to have to BE grown up.
Good Luck!!! I made it through teen years with all of mine and, in spite of some REALLY rocky times, they all turned out really well.
Peggy
If she's 18, the law says she doesn't HAVE to go to school.
Tell her that if she's not interested in finishing school, and she's going to treat your house like a hotel and you like a servant, then she needs to get a job, pay rent on her room, and pay you a salary for your services.
If she wants to make her own rules, she needs to get her own place. If she moves in with friends who are tempting the law, she may end up getting busted - and that may not necessarily be a bad thing. DO NOT BAIL HER OUT IF SHE DOES. One thing that getting busted will teach her is that there are unpleasant consequences to bad behavior.
When my daughter became old enough to want to spend time unsupervised with her friends, I warned her that if anything dicey was going on, she needed to leave. I told her that if she got busted for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I would bail her out, but that if she got busted for doing something she shouldn' be doing, she would just have to sit in jail.
I don't care how old you are, in MY house, you play by my rules. Several years ago, my daughter's dad came over and was angry because someone had cut him off in traffic, and kept using the n-word to describe the person. I told him twice that I didn't allow that word in my home, and the third time he used it, I told him to leave, and he could come back when he had calmed down enough to use decent language in front of my daughter.
One question where is dear old dady in all of this. Could she live with her father and would she behaver better there.I would think unless he is not much of a father that he would want her to finshed school too. If there are other kids she is being a bad modal for I would think twice about kicker her out. Yes I would not like the idea of her going to her friends but I would not want her to be a modal that would set my other kids up for trouble too.She migh even grown up if she had to do for herself. Do you think her friends would be there for her.
You've gotten good advice. Quit doing for her; it's clearly not helping her. Some people get worse the more you help or do for them.
Do as advised below, so she has the choices. Tell her she can live with you, finish school and show respect -- those are your rules -- OR she can move out, pay her own way, and fend for herself. Do NOT give her a car. She needs to buy her own if she wants one. If she stays with you & follows your rules, use of a car to finish school and to work could be part of what you provide. But if she wants to be rid of you, let her -- car & all.
However, do let her know that she can always come home if she decides to. If she hits rock bottom, she may come back, but the rules will have to be followed -- respect you and be productive (school or job, pay rent, help out). Let us know what happens.
Most of us went thru the rebellious stage when we got close to 18 and considered ourselves an adult! Stop doing for her-it won't matter!!!! Food, Shelter and basic clothing at this point. Stop paying for her to go to the movies, to the mall, gas money until chores are done-period. If you give in once she'll know your words are just that words-no consequences. Strip her room of an item each time she does not go to school and get her in counseling with a women that specializes in teens asap! Most insurance has a behavior section to their contract. (can't find spell check!lol)
stop doing for her... when she realizes what it is like to be cut off she will come around... she wants to be an adult well show her what it's like to support yourself on minimum wage.. b/c that is exactly what she will be making if she doesn't finish school.... you deserve to be treated better but you have to put your foot down to get the respect you deserve and until you do this you are allowing this to continue
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Don't be afraid of your daughter. She knows she can threaten you (mentally speaking)and she is getting away with it. Stand up to her and be consistent. Your husband should be doing this too. I don't know if you are in the Birmingham area but you can try checking out an alternative school, it's more like a disciplinary control type school. Here in Birmingham, we have one called Crossroads. I thought it was where the "bad kids" got sent to, but after an incident with my own son, I found out that parents who have children with disciplinary problems can voluntarily enroll their children in a school like this. It's very structured, trust me, she can't get away with too much and she wont have any bad influences around her. Every child is different so I can't tell you what to say to her as far as getting her to do anything. I know I get right in my kids faces and even threaten them if I have to, but I cant tell you to do that. Thank God I dont have to do that often, but when I see things arent going my way, i jump on it. Tell her to pay rent, and pay some of the utilities, if she doesn't then she needs to behave.
Hi, Debbie. I'm so sorry things are going so badly for you with your daughter right now! You're definitely in my prayers.
Are you able to drive her to school in the mornings and pick her up in the afternoons? If so, then start doing so. Speak to the counselors at the school also, and if she skips class, they should give you a call. Sounds like your daughter is overdue for a good dose of tough love. Stop "doing" for her; if she doesn't start picking up the slack with chores, then take privileges away...cell phone, iPod, TV, etc. If she throws a fit, let her throw it. I wouldn't kick her out of the house, because it sounds like that is what she wants. She is going to have to learn to respect you and sometimes that involves putting a figurative boot up the rear end. So just pull yourself up by the boot straps and let her know she is either going to live by your rules and give you and your husband the respect you deserve, or she can just sit in her room until she decides to become a productive member of the household; there will be no more of the mouth or the laziness.
I have a 13 year old and we've had our rounds with the talking-back and rebellion bit already! I was a really rebellious teenager myself and gave my mom a hard time, but eventually I did grow out of it. But my parents also were very hard on me (and also whipped my rear end if I needed it), and now I'm very thankful that they were are tough on me as they were. So try to keep the big picture in view; you may have to be hard on her now, but in the long run she will be glad you were.
Oh, Debbie, how frustrating! I'm a mom of five, from 17 to one, and this is just my observation -- big problems don't occur in a vacuum, they spent sometimes years festering until they become unmanageable.
My first thought -- are you in a good church or faith tradition? You need support.
Secondly, I noticed she lives with a stepfather, and surmise that it is likely that she has had some trauma in her life, a death, or divorce maybe? Could it be possible that it wasn't resolved? If that is a possibility I would drag her by the ears to counseling.
This mama doesn't put up with baloney. If none of the above could be a facotr, She is making her bed. She's 18. I'd let her lie in it.
I agree with Christina M. At some point as well you have to realize she is making her own choices, good and bad, and that you no longer have control. I rebelled horribly with my mother, learned a lot of hard and horrible lessons in my life, but one thing has always held true.....that what don't kill you makes you stronger. Time to let her be and focus on the ones you have left at home. I finally had to convince my mother when I was well into my thirties that my choices were mine and my consequences were mine as well. She is my best and dearest friend (once I let her off the hook.) Just be the best and supportive friend you can be now without harming yourself....the parenting is over. God can help with anything even wayward, hateful, willful, and angry daughters.
B.
Dear Debbie
You just described the last two years of my life. We are a family of an out of control daughter. My husband (her step dad) and I have done everything for her always. We have never received any respect or appreciation for our efforts to help her. HEAR ME NOW... I now have her in a drug rehab for abuse of prescription drugs. I have enabled her to the point she can not deal with the ups and downs of life without drugs. I never introduced responsibilty or held her to punishment. She just wants us to continue giving without her doing anything. PLEASE PLEASE seek professional help. Let your child know you will not put up with it any longer and stick with it. If she runs away.. get the police and bring her back. She will thank you in the future. Most of all take care of your marriage.. it will be your sanity..
God Bless and Good Luck!
I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, I have 2 teenage boys 17 & 19. They do not want to work. God knows I've tried everything. Good Luck.
I think most of us believe an education is necessary in today's world, but maybe she just isn't cut out for the norm. If drugs might be a problem, find out how to get her taken in for testing since she most likely won't go on her own. Call a rehab. facility to ask about this. If drugs aren't the problem, see if she might consider entering a trade school (hair, electrician, etc.). Many skilled jobs make a good living and don't require a college degree. It might be some motivation for her, if not, she'll just have to figure it out on her own. Good luck!
My response is simple.
- Send her to Job Corp
- Stop "doing" for her
Job Corp is a place where "out-of-control" teens go to get their GED and get into a controlled environment. Think of it as a nice jail :-). Tell her she's got one week or you're enrolling her.
Regarding step 2, I think you should stop being her mom and start being her landlord. She makes her own dinner, she cleans her own clothes and takes care of whatever else you are doing for her in the house. If her mess or irresponsibility starts to make a mess of your house ie, dishes and laundry then throw all that stuff in her room.
I'm know I am being mean but when I was 18 (7 years ago) I was like her. And my mom let me run all over her. We are the best of friends now but I know that if she would have done some of the things I am telling you to do, I would have straighten up. If she's run away before (as I have) she'll learn that it's not so great.
If you need anything else let me know, [email protected]