rude child at school

tadpole asks from New York, NY
13 answers

my child has the most rude child in class at school. this kid will come up to me and ask when i am going to have them come to my house for a playdate. i have heard them do this with other kids in the class so i know its not just my family they do it to.

this child is also loud obnoxious and constantly disruptive in class. teacher does not know what to do with them, dad does not do anything, and mom seems normal but is extravagant with what she does, and is a compulsive liar (known for a fact) so shes unreliable.
every day when i pick up my kids i have to let them run around and release their pent up energy (when i can't let them have 10 minutes of free time i pay for it with them fighting for the 20 min drive home) every day this kid wants to play too, the mom stands there saying "come on kiddo, the tutor is waiting" and complains to me that he is going to be late. but makes no move to get her kid in the car and leave.

this childs favorite way to play is to wrestle, play fight, and throw things (leaves, sticks and pinecones) at my kids. my daughter hates it. my son is to nice to say anything. i have also watched the kid spit on my kid.. and i drew the line there, i told my kids to come on we are leaving to meet daddy. my problem is i don't want this kid around mine anymore.but since they are in class together its unavoidable (thank god theres only a month left of school)
i am tired of making up excuses for as to why i refuse a playdate. (this kid would end up pissing off my dog and getting bit or something) and being nice about saying 'no' is definitely not working.
the mom wants to set up frequent park playdates over the summer but i don't want to deal with the spitting, and rudness this child displays.

what is a good way to part ways with these people without being obvious and without pissing them off? ( mom has a reputation of being able to use cps to ruin the lives of good people and she scares me)

thoughts? ideas?

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So What Happened?

the child invites himself to anyone's house. so its not like he is inviting my kids over to play.
my dog is a wild card. 1. shes old. 2. she has a strong dislike of men and 3. shes part shepherd, she will nip while thinking shes herding. i don't trust her around anyone that does not live with me. there will be NO play dates at my house. period
this is a different kid than drama momma's kid (hes in a different class and nearly every parent has told her to leave so shes no longer an issue. )
My DH has known this cps calling momma longer than he has known me. he has witnessed her ruining good peoples lives. she worked for cps and knows just what to say and do to raise the flags. hence why i am scared of retaliation from her. this history is the reason why i also know about her being a compulsive liar. (he refers to her as demon spawn because of how demonic she has been to others in the past)
my kids are always interacting with the handful of other kids that play. they have both told the kid to stop, go away and to leave them alone. when the kid continues to be a brat my kids come to the car to leave. they enjoy the other children's company and i don't want to take that from them
i am one of the room moms, i am frequently in the classroom helping out and doing stuff. since i am in the classrooms so often and on the PTO i am seen by all teachers as a volunteer colleague and not just as a random parent. Just today a teacher from a different class sought my advice on how to word a note to a parent. so this is how i know the teachers thoughts and feelings on the behaviors of many children, not just this particular one.
i have told the child no play date this time, and not given a reason. i have flat out said no, and when he invited himself to my house i straight up said i cannot have kids over because the dog may not be nice and i don't want anyone bit. i told his mom that i do not have anyone over that is not family because of the dog. and because i don't want anyone knowing where i live.

i am so glad that summer break is almost here because i need the break!! summer is easy for me! i set the schedule, my kids enjoy the fun mixed in with workbook pages and designated reading time. we pick what classmates we play with at the park...

13 Answers

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Sallye r.

answers from Scottsdale on

We had some neighbor's kids who always came over after school (3 of them!). They were very high maintenance and honestly I felt like the mom just used us for free sitting.
I finally just scheduled things after school so we weren't home. It didn't take long for them to get into new habits that didn't include coming to our house. This was really hard because they live across the street, but within 2-3 weeks, the problem was solved.
Does this kid live near you? If not, I agree with the others...just get in the car and say you have to leave. A simple..."Can't play today, we have too many other things to do"
or, "we already have plans" if someone else is coming over.

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Denise P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I would have no problem confronting the mom. Let her call CPS. My kids won't be taken away. I'm not doing anything wrong.

I also would have no problem telling the child no. My answer has been no. Does he not know what NO means? **IF** he asks why? I would tell him you're not the kind of person I want my kids playing with. You are rude, you spit on people and throw things. That's not what my kids do. Neither should you.

Why would you allow another person to scare you? Do you think if CPS showed up at your door there would be an issue they would discover? I'd push back. I would stand up and not her nor her child silence me.

3 moms found this helpful
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mynewnickname

answers from Pittsburgh on

Maybe I'm too soft-hearted today, but I'm feeling sad for a little boy whose parents don't teach him manners and who is now being shunned by his peers due to lax parenting.

Have you considered that you might try having him over for a playdate? I've done it, but it's not for the faint of heart. There is a boy in my son's class who has been over a few times whose parents have a very different style than we do in our house. I made the 1st playdate very short (1 hr), and when he arrived I told him that in our house, parents make the rules and then I told him what the rules are. There were several times when I reminded him of the rules and he looked me right in the eye and said "No". I immediately said that in that case, he had to go home and I picked up his stuff and started for the car. He then backed off when he realized I meant business. Now he comes over for a few hours at a time and he follows our rules when he's at our house.

Is he still wilder than my boys? Yes - I have him over only on nice days when they can be outside and run around. His personality doesn't completely change of course. But my kids can have fun with him under the right supervision (I do not set up playdates at his house, we always have them at mine).

I also think it's important for your son to speak up when this child plays in a way that he doesn't like, for 2 reasons. 1) how would this kid know that your son doesn't like to wrestle and throw leaves around if your son doesn't say so? If this kid is like many many kids out there who don't easily pick up social cues, how is he supposed to know that your son doesn't like to play the same way that he does? and 2) the ability to look at someone, even a friend or an adult, and firmly say "Stop, I don't like that" is a crucial skill for kids to develop and it starts in preschool. It's not necessary to say it in a mean way, but he does need to learn to say it. This kid is giving you and your son really good teaching/practicing moments on a regular basis - role-play it at home, and then let your son put it into practice at the playground.

5 moms found this helpful

Diane D.

answers from Norwood on

Well I hate to say it but you've created this obnoxious situation on the playground.you know this kid will run over to play and his mother will not make him leave. Why don't you just put your kids in the car and drive to another playground? Or put them in the car until this little boy and his mom leave the school and then let them out to play?

When they ask about play dates? Sorry today is busy for me. No further reason needed.If she's trying to plan for the summer? Sorry we keep the summers pretty open and play free.

When you stop playing along it'll stop the situation.

Suz t.

answers from Sharpsburg on

i doubt i'll be much help because i'm genuinely baffled by situations like this.

i don't get people who make up excuses in order to slide around situations. especially when the situations are super egregious and ongoing.

i mean, why not at least try being straightforward?

you can't fix the classroom actions, and who cares if the mom is a liar or not. but you can sure as hell put parameters around your own kids and your own responses. it would have the huge added bonus of demonstrating for your kids how to handle difficult people.

a cool, 'sorry, jeremy, we won't be having playdates at our house' is all you need to say to him. why do you need to make excuses, either to the child or his mother?

why on earth can't you let your kids run around for 10 minutes when they get home? or stop at a park on the way home? or go to a different part of the playground?

if we had a little gargoyle annoying and spitting on us, we would not have stuck around day after day after day for more.

if the mom approaches you for a playdate you say the same thing you do to the kid, 'sorry, margo, it's just not going to work for us.'

if she pushed me i'd say, 'my kids don't enjoy gargoyle's style of play. i hope you can find some other friends for him.' but if you're not comfortable being that direct, simply repeating 'no, we won't be able to do that' eventually sinks into the thickest skulls.

the most worrisome part of this post for me isn't the gargoyle, it's your kids watching you fume and ooze resentment but not give them any sort of clear direction as to how to proceed.

create firm courteous boundaries and stick to them. do it for your kids.
khairete
suz

7 moms found this helpful
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Annette D.

answers from Saint Paul on

How about to the kid, "I'm sorry, but I don't make plans for Billy to play. That would be something we talk about at home. When Billy is allowed, and when he feels up to having company, he will call a friend or start making his own plans"

To the mom, "Thanks but, I'm getting away from scheduling playdates, because I would like to have less on our calendar. We need more room for spontaneity, and Billy needs to start managing his own time. Plus it 's too far out right now for me personally, to make summer commitments"

3 moms found this helpful

mamazita

answers from Orinda on

I would just tell the mom "I don't like planning play dates so far in advance, if the kids want to get together they can call each other up over the summer."
In my case this would be the truth because I hardly ever set up play dates for my kids more than a few days out, and it was almost always initiated by my children (and their friends) not me. I just checked in with the mom to arrange times and rides.
I would also tell this child DIRECTLY that you do not allow spitting or wrestling if you see them doing this to your kid. Why would you just leave and say nothing? You're an adult, you need to set an example for your kids not just walk away.
Not sure what to make about your CPS comment. CPS isn't known for taking children away from healthy, functional homes, in fact they often leave kids in places they definitely shouldn't be due to lack of resources and the fact that once the LAW gets involved there needs to be verifiable evidence, not just nosy neighborhood gossips.

5 moms found this helpful

Wild Woman

answers from Reston on

I don't know how old this child is, but I would tell the child flat out - my children will NOT come to your house for a "play date". I do NOT approve of your behavior. When you can learn not to spit on others and throw things? We might have a change of heart. Until then. DO NOT ask me again. The answer WILL BE NO.

If he says something to his mom. You tell her - your son has the manners of a goat. He has spit on your child and has no self-control.

Then you go to the school and tell them that they are NOT to place your children in the same class as the hood rat.

DO NOT be afraid of the mom. You've done nothing wrong. IF CPS shows up and does nothing? It makes her look like a fool.

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Barb

answers from Dublin on

You don't mention how old this child is, but I'm curious as to how you know about the teacher's experience with the child. Was the same teacher that has been having trouble with your child? If so, I wouldn't read too much into the fact that she can't manage the child's behavior. First, because it's hearsay. You don't know what has really transpired. And second, by your own admission, she struggles with classroom management. Likewise, you've acknowledged in prior posts that your own children have had some behavior problems. I'd encourage you to be patient with this child, just as you'd want others to be patient with your kids.

However, that doesn't mean that you need to be hang out with them. Is this the mother that latched onto you a few years ago? If you'll reread that post from August, there were some really good suggestions on how to manage that type of situation. You need to clearly tell the boy 'no'. Likewise, simply tell the mother that you don't think that it's a good idea to set up any play dates.

If nothing else works and your kids no longer want to be around him, then leave as school is done. Honestly, your kids are old enough that they should be able to handle a 20 minute ride home without having to play first.

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MilitaryMom 6.

answers from Woodbridge on

No is no. I get that you don't want bad mannered kids around your kids - I wouldn't either. And although there is no reason to be rude about it, there isn't a single thing wrong with saying no, I don't think our kids are a good fit together; no, our summer is already super packed with activities so we aren't looking for any additional playdates; no, insert whatever phrase works for you here.

I can say that it is extremely unlikely that she is "cozy" with CPS and can arbitrarily ruin people's lives. CPS's goal is not to run around accusing normal, everyday folks of child abuse and neglect - it simply doesn't work that way. I would personally welcome CPS into my home should they ever be called as I have nothing to hide and nothing but respect for someone who has to do such an awful job.

10 moms found this helpful

Diane B.

answers from Westborough on

I agree with B. The answer is no. If you're feeling super charitable, then it's "No, sorry."

If he spits, you can say, "And THAT is a big reason why we don't do playdates." You can also put your kids in the car and say that they can burn off steam at home or down the road a mile or whatever. But don't pack your kids up because the other mom needs to get her child to tutoring. It's up to her to manage her child. As for the mom wanting park playdates, the answer is, "I'm sorry, that won't work for us." If she repeats, you do too. "As I said, that won't work for us."

What happens in school is up to the school. I cannot believe that the teacher is saying to you that she doesn't know what to do with this kid. (And if she's not saying it to you, how do you know? Same goes for what the father does or what the mother does - you don't really know. But even the best parent is going to be ineffective in telling a child at 7:30 a.m. not to be disruptive at 10 a.m. or aggressive at recess at 11:30. It's up to the school staff to manage 100% of what goes on at school, and for parents at home to just support that without saying, "Oh, that principal is so mean." Leave the behavior management to the professionals.

There seems to be a lot of chit chat around this, CPS, and whether the mom "is known" to be a liar. Let go of that stuff! It's gossip and it's not helping you at all. I don't understand the CPS reference, but she's not going to be successful calling them if your kid doesn't want pinecones thrown at him. CPS isn't going to fall for that, at least not more than once, and they're going to have her number. It sounds a bit dramatic to say she has ruined the lives of good people - I don't know how you know that when files are confidential. Everyone participating in those types of discussions needs to just stop it. It's like junior high gossip and it's so destructive.

If she can't get her kid in the car, that's her problem. If he's throwing pine cones at your kids, then you intervene immediately and say, "That's enough. We're leaving this moment." Your "too nice" kid needs to be helped to find the words to say, either to the kid or the teacher, depending on the severity of the offense. Your daughter, too, can say something too: "Jimmy, STOP!" They can show annoyance with pinecones and leaves, and tell an adult if it's sticks, wrestling, or other unwanted physical touching. Walking away is an excellent strategy in many situations, for kids and adults. It's also okay to say, "I don't play with people who throw things" or "I'm leaving now because you're wrestling when I said I don't like it."

I think you have to empower your kids more and get less upset yourself. This child has multiple problems - and they may be developmental in some way, or the result of bad parenting, none of which are the child's fault. I'd try to find a little compassion and still say to your kids that they don't have to put up with it even as they feel bad for someone with few friends. But other parents gossiping and being judgmental of the boys' parents is absolutely going to spill over to the children who hear it or just see the facial expressions/body language, and the problem will escalate. Work on strategies for defusing what goes on in your presence and skills for your kids when you aren't there.

3 moms found this helpful
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Tori H.

answers from Overland Park on

That is awkward, but I agree that simply keep saying "no". You don't need an explanation, just say no, we can't, no we're unavailable, or just simply no.

If the mom presses you on it, I honestly think it's ok to be truthful and say well I don't think the kids get along that well and X is frequently aggressive towards my kids and dog.

As far as after school I think you just need to give your kids strategies on how to avoid him, which it sounds like they are sort of doing already. Just let your kids run and play and try and keep your distance.

I get that you're worried that this mom might try and retaliate, but I don't know, I doubt she will. And if she really does get CPS involved, which seems like a long shot, you have nothing to hide, so don't sweat it. Trust me, CPS sees enough crap that they will figure out quickly enough that they don't need to waste their time with you.

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B

answers from Chesapeake on

No is a complete sentence.
They can keep asking - you can keep saying no.
You don't have to make excuses or give reasons or explanations.
You might ask him and/or his mom how many times they have to hear 'no' before they believe you.

The kid sounds like he has some developmental issues - and while I feel sorry for him - it's not up to me or my family to deal with his behavior either.
His parents could probably use some help in learning how to deal with him but either don't know how to reach out or don't care or are in denial that he's having difficulty.

Additional:
CPS has got enough on their hands without making trouble for functional families.
They sometimes will even leave a dysfunctional family pretty much alone.
If anyone should have had their kids taken - my uncle was one.
A life long alcoholic, unstable and in and out of jail.
CSP told him he needed to shape up or they'd take his kids.
He told them 'Go ahead. I can make more.'
CPS backed down.
If this woman threatens you - document it, record it if you can and then get a restraining order against her.
Living in fear is ridiculous.
No person has a right to force themselves on you.

6 moms found this helpful
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