help with a shambles of a marriage

Siara S. asks from Seattle, WA
24 answers

Basically I have been having problems with my in-laws for a really long time.
I have absolutely no connection to them, no relationship with them, they have never made an effort to get to know me and they live 10 mins away and they don't even make effort to spend time with my daughter who is 4. It's gotten to the point where she doesn't even know who some of them are anymore because she hasn't seen them in MONTHS.

I resent the fact that I paid to visit them (this was a long time ago we were living accross the country) and after I paid over $2000 for the visit they did not keep in touch with me for 1.5 years. Nothing. Not one email, message or anything.

I've had a couple of nasty arguments with them in the past and both sides hurled daggers but I just can't seem to get past it. Whenever I think of them all that comes to mind is these conflicts and insults they hurled at me even though it was a really long time ago. There are also personality conflicts. I am not happy to be married into this family.

I've also had issues with my husband during the same time. I feel that he doesn't usually care about my point of view or feelings. He says that he does but it doesn't mean that I'm right etc. he's always inserting his opinion into situations that I find hurtful.

Recently, there was a death in his family. I haven't seen them at all since Christmas. The person who died I only met a handful of times and wasn't close to him. I do not like his mother at all.

My husband was obviously upset by the death in the family and made me attend the funeral. I could not help it, on the day of the funeral I just thought of my SIL and I welled up with negativity about how I feel about the conflicts from the past etc. I could not help it, the day of the funeral I tried to talk to my husband about how the insults made me feel and he went nuts.

He said how can I insult them when their son died? Well... I did not insult them I just have such a negative feeling I cannot shake. My husband said he does not want to be married to me anymore because of this funeral incident. He said we are done. I was really threatened by this so I took our marriage certificate and mine and my daughter's birth certificates and hid them so he could not damage them. In the past he threatened to cut them up during an argument.

I do not feel sorry I brought up the incidents on the day of the funeral. I just don't feel close to his family at all. He thinks I'm heartless. I tried to apologize but because I was angry when I said he did not accept it. I'm not really sorry though.

He started to talk to me again on the weekend and was friendly on Sunday he even gave me a hug but he said it meant nothing just being friendly.

Yesterday, he noticed that the marriage certificate was missing and we got into a massive argument. He said he thought there was hope but now there is none. He said he would have cut them up a long time ago if he wanted to.

On top of this I am 20 weeks pregnant. I do not want him to attend the ultrasound on Friday but he insists.

If we are not together anymore I do not want to pay his way etc. He is a stay home dad.

He did contact a marriage counsellor but I am not sure it's worth it since I'm going to have to pay for it. I do not know if this is worth trying to save but when I think about certain things... like we were putting money to finally get our wedding rings after 4 years I just want to cry and feel sad. I feel so depressed when I think of that.

Note: I didn't say anythng to them at the funeral. I said it to my husband before the funeral. I didn't even see my SIL.

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24 Answers

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Melissa V.

answers from Frisco on

I would really recommend getting a marriage coach for you and your husband. Marriage is not easy it takes a lot of work but the work you put into it is so worth it. You will be such a happier person if you can let go of the past and forgive your inlaws and your husband it's just not healthy to hold grudges like that. There is an amazing marriage podcast called One Extraordinary Marriage.....this could be a game changer for you please give it a listen it will be so worth your time!!! Best wishes for you.....praying your marriage can be saved!!!

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Daniel01!! F.

answers from Port Costa on

Ok so like everyone else, I agree that it was a very bad and insensitive choice for you to bring things up on that day. If there is any love between you two or hope, then just let the past issues go. You are destroying yourself and your family It is a loose loose for all. And your in-laws may be only too happy. Look tomorrow is another day, he seems to want go give it a try. Don't cut your nose to spite your face.

Updated

Ok so like everyone else, I agree that it was a very bad and insensitive choice for you to bring things up on that day. If there is any love between you two or hope, then just let the past issues go. You are destroying yourself and your family It is a loose loose for all. And your in-laws may be only too happy. Look tomorrow is another day, he seems to want go give it a try. Don't cut your nose to spite your face.

Updated

Ok so like everyone else, I agree that it was a very bad and insensitive choice for you to bring things up on that day. If there is any love between you two or hope, then just let the past issues go. You are destroying yourself and your family It is a loose loose for all. And your in-laws may be only too happy. Look tomorrow is another day, he seems to want go give it a try. Don't cut your nose to spite your face.

2 moms found this helpful

TF Plano/Allen

answers from Plano on

Wow, you really sound like a piece of work.

How incredibly rude and insensitive of you to be bitching like that when a close family member died.

You seriously need counseling for your anger and deep seeded resentment,

I feel bad for your unborn child and any child you may have.

I'd love to hear your husband's side of the story. He must really love you to put up with this crap you dish out.

3 moms found this helpful

tadpole

answers from New York on

you should see if your husband wants marital counseling to fix your marriage or a divorce to end it.

2 moms found this helpful
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SouthernYankee

answers from Spring on

Wow!

What you said before the funeral was cruel and mean. You could have stopped yourself and didn't. The fact that you have no remorse is telling. I actually feel sorry for your husband in this.

You are holding onto resentment that happened a while back. That is just sad. You don't get along with your inlaws? Too bad. Grow up. Not everyone gets along with their inlaws. Both sides have been jerks. Yep that includes you too.

Birth certificates and marriage certificates can be ordered from the State. Don't know why this is a big deal. Just sounds like silly drama to me.

If you get divorced, most likely you will be paying child support and possibly spousal support depending on the state you live in.

I would suggest counseling, visit to an attorney to find out what you are on the hook for. Also, you might not get custody of the kids since your husband has been the primary.

I would love to hear what your husband has to say. You expect everyone to agree with your feelings but you don't show a lot of empathy to him. You might want to think about that some.

Regardless, I think you would benefit from a therapist. Even if you get divorced, these folks will be in your life due to having children with their son. You need to let go of your resentment and anger.

5 moms found this helpful
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Shannon E.

answers from Middletown on

In-laws can be so difficult to deal with, but it wasn't fair to your husband for you to be critical or angry about these issues at a family funeral. Money is an issue for many couples too. It sounds like you are employed so could you see if your employer has an Employee Assistance Program? Many employers have these programs and if yours does, you might be eligible to receive up to 4 free counseling visits to work on issues, i.e. marriage, anger. You could go alone or with your husband. Best wishes on happiness in your future, whether it is as a couple or as a single parent.

3 moms found this helpful

Suz t.

answers from Sharpsburg on

i'm fairly floored that you picked the day of a funeral of someone your husband was close to as the right time to air your grievances.

you hate your in-laws.

you're still seething over money spent for a visit YEARS ago.

you admit that you 'hurled daggers' as well as they, but you haven't apologized. and yet you're pissed off that they haven't. huh.

your husband refuses to accept your admittedly insincere 'apology' for an outburst you claim you couldn't control. but yeah, you could have.

you're pregnant with a husband who doesn't work and in whom you don't seem to be invested.

you're more sad about the money for the wedding rings than you are the marriage.

your husband is willing to go to counseling but you're more butthurt about the cost of the counseling than the fate of the marriage.

hard to see much hope here.

pity for the kids.
khairete
suz

3 moms found this helpful
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Barb

answers from Dublin on

Your behavior is so incredibly passive-aggressive I don't even know where to start.

First of all, what you did the day of the funeral was wrong. It was rude, self-centered, and thoughtless and your husband has every right to be furious over it. Lots of people don't like their in-laws. You don't have to like them. They don't have to like you. But you don't have the right to stomp on them at the most vulnerable time in their life. You just don't. And the fact that you feel no remorse is troubling.

I'm not sure what the point of hiding the marriage certificate and birth certificate is. That piece of paper is not what makes you married. In fact, it's not even presented to the court when you file for divorce. The only thing you accomplished by hiding it was making your husband even angrier because you were once again acting childishly and were less committed to the relationship than he is.

You don't want to pay for marriage counseling? If you want to walk away from someone who is trying to salvage your relationship, then that's your choice. But keep this in mind. You may be able to avoid spending 'your' money on marriage counseling. But doing so means that you're going to have to spend 'your' money on a divorce attorney. And that's not cheap -- at least $5000. Plus, your husband will then need to get a job, and you'll have to pay for childcare-- and for 2 kids that's going to cost you at least $400 a week, $1600 per month. The cost of marriage counseling is cheap compared to those 2 things.

Regardless of what you do, you need to get some individual counseling to figure out why you have such a bitter attitude about life.

6 moms found this helpful
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AKmom

answers from Eagle River on

If he does not stand up for you against his family that is a huge red flag. It sounds like you know you would be happier free of him and his family. Of course you will never be fully free of him since you will always have to co-parent so it is best to try to keep things at least civil. If you do not want him at the ultra sound you do not have to have him (you are the patient) but consider why you don't want him there, is it because you feel stressed or unsafe with him there or is it simply to punish him? Remember that when this is all said and done you will have to still co-parent with him. If you are done supporting him you need to talk to him about if you and the kids are moving or if he is, and get yourself a good lawyer fast.

1 mom found this helpful
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Doris Day ..

answers from Miami on

You need a counselor for yourself to get some perspective. You were OH SO WRONG to bring up your point of view about the problems between you and the family at the funeral and right after he lost a member of the family. I hope that your pregnancy hormones are the reason you would be so rude, because if they aren't, you are a really self-centered, selfish person.

For heaven's sake, plenty of people don't get along with their inlaws. It would be nice if they could like you despite your personality, but they evidently don't have the patience for it. All you do is hold a grudge against them, and I don't blame them for not trying.

If you weren't pregnant, I would say that your husband would be lucky for you to divorce him. And maybe you would figure out that you have been so cruel to him once you don't have him anymore.

I don't know if there is any hope for you personally to become a decent person. All you care about is yourself. If you can't stop being so self-absorbed, get out of your marriage and let this poor fellow be rid of a miserable life with you.

3 moms found this helpful
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Savannah

answers from Stone Mountain on

oh my word. Bless your heart, Siara.

I pity you and your marriage. I would love to hear your husband's side of the story.

You should have NEVER vented about his family on the day of the funeral. That's rude, selfish and immature. It doesn't matter if you vented to him or in front of everyone. You should and could have shown restraint, but you didn't.

WHY did you marry him?
WHY do you harbor such anger towards his family? All over money? Honey. This is life. Stuff happens.

While I am so against abortion, I would suggest you get one or put your child up for adoption. You really don't have the maturity level required to be a parent. Not everything is about money. NOR HOLDING A GRUDGE. You are holding grudges. It's like you feel you are "paying his way" and it's HIS fault. You MUST be right or damn the torpedoes. If I'm not happy, NO ONE WILL BE HAPPY!! Grow up. This is life.

You need serious counseling. You shouldn't be married or a parent. That must be hurtful to hear, but, honey, you have serious issues.

I see that one member already mentioned that you will be tied to this man and his family for life if you have kids with him. WHY did you have kids with the guy if you are so angry with him?

If he's a stay at home dad? You WILL BE PAYING FOR HIM. You need to figure this out. Are you ready to live your life as a single mom hoping that someone will be good enough for you or do you want to figure out how to fix this and work together? You need to get over yourself and be part of a partnership instead of the one who needs to be "RIGHT".

You BOTH have a lot of growing up to do.

4 moms found this helpful

Wild Woman

answers from Reston on

HOLY CRAP...Siara...

You are passive/aggressive and NOT "INTO" your marriage. You are holding in anger and resentment to people and your husband. You both are immature sounding people.

You were TOTALLY wrong to speak out at funeral about your intense anger or hatred towards his family. I pray to God you didn't do that in front of everyone. That was something he didn't need to hear that day. And YES! YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED YOURSELF. YOU CHOSE NOT TO. That shows your lack of maturity and respect to your husband.

Neither one of you sound mature enough to be in ANY relationship, let alone be parents. I'm sorry. But DAYUM. You two are toxic to and for each other. WHY did you get married in the first place?

Cutting up a marriage license does NOT end a marriage.

I am not sure where you really are, but it sounds like you are from another country, other than the USA.

Here's what I would do if I were you:

1. Obtain a lawyer and find out what you have to do to legally dissolve your marriage.
2. Question yourself if you are truly financially and mentally able to a parent. If you can't do it? Arrange for an adoption of your child. Your child deserves someone who can care for him or her and love them unconditionally.
3. You need to separate your assets.
4. You need to find out if you will be financially responsible for your husband if you divorce him and how much you will need to pay. Since you said he's a SAHD - I take it you already have a child? Ohh sweet Jesus. That's sad that a child lives in that atmosphere of animosity and resentment.
5. I would find a VERY STRONG and capable therapist and work with them to change my very being. I would NOT like to walk around with the anger and hate you have in you. It's got to suck the life out of everything around you.

I wish you luck. You're gonna need it. Please don't get into another relationship until you have been able to work through your anger issues and resentment. You will be FOREVER tied to this man and his family because of your children. Divorce does NOT mean he goes away. SO EITHER ONE OF YOU THINKING OR FEELING THAT DIVORCE MEANS you're not dealing with the family anymore? WRONG!!! Birthdays, graduations, weddings,etc. babies..you're tied to him for life...

Good LUCK!!

7 moms found this helpful
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Natalie K.

answers from Miami Beach on

I will probably be in the minority here, but I think that, as sad as it may be, due to the fact you are a few weeks pregnant, there is no hope for your marriage. You both sound not only stubborn and incredibly immature, but you enjoy pushing each other's buttons and playing games, causing each other hurt. Like I said, you're both immature, like a kid wanting to get revenge on another kid in the playground by saying, "Oh yea? You think you hurt me? I will hurt you even more, just wait!" Those are not the actions of a grown woman who loves her spouse. Everything about your post said to me, "I resent this man, I hate his family, I hate being married to this man and we constantly argue, plus he is a drain on my finances." Had your post said that you love him or you want to fix your marriage, I would agree with the idea of counseling, but it sounds like you have disconnected from this marriage long ago and you are making excuses to avoid prolonging it or fixing it through counseling.

It's a shame you didn't address the issues in your marriage long ago, like before you got pregnant for a second time, and before your first child was old enough to understand what was happening, and before all this resentment had festered for years and years. If you're afraid of the permanence of a divorce or feel you may change your mind, at least separate and move away from each other. It doesn't sound like you want him in your life anyway. Considering this has been a lifelong issue in your marriage, I doubt it is simply the pregnancy hormones and more of an issue of a lack of respect on both sides, while you use his family's cold shoulder as a scapegoat for the whole thing, but who knows. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe absence will make both your hearts grow fonder and realize what it is that made you fall in love and try counseling to bring that back, but you both have to want it. Like I said, a break may help you realize that. Your kids don't need to be witnessing these yelling matches and the manipulation and threats directed at each of his parents. Sounds like you and your husband could both benefit from anger management counseling too. Best of luck.

5 moms found this helpful
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Elena B.

answers from Aiea on

This reminds me of that old saying: "Bitterness is a pill that you swallow, hoping it will make your enemy sick".

You are so full of rage, resentment, and anger that goes back years that you're throwing away your children's family, your family and home, and your marriage.

Not everyone has inlaws that are the stuff of dreams. Some have no inlaws, some have distant inlaws, some have intrusive inlaws. So you got inlaws that aren't involved with your family (you, your husband and your children). And you're dwelling on every past infraction and hurt.

Now is the time, when your child is young and you are pregnant again, to heal YOUR family in YOUR home. Let go of the past because it's twisting it's bitter vines around your heart. Look at your precious little child and your growing pregnant body, and look at your husband, and ask yourself if it's worth throwing that away just so you can hold on to past anger.

Stop wasting time trying to hide papers that can be replaced over the internet for a few dollars in a few days. Apologize to your husband, to your child, and to your past self, and start living for today. Or else, live the rest of your life seething in anger and rage, having lost everything. It won't hurt your inlaws. But it will destroy your children and your home and your marriage. Your choice.

9 moms found this helpful
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mynewnickname

answers from Pittsburgh on

Individual counseling for you to figure out why you can't make peace with the past, and marriage counseling for you and your husband to figure out if there is anything worth saving going forward.

9 moms found this helpful
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LadyBug C.

answers from Delaplane on

You don’t need to like your in-laws. You just have to put up with them a few times a year. You want them to be different. You want them to apologize. It’s not going to happen. You can either live with these facts or stay mad the rest of your life.
If you and your husband get divorced, you’ll still have to put up with all of them until your children are 18. My suggestion: Go to counseling. Figure things out. Find a way to live your life, enjoy your family, and move on from your in-law angst.

8 moms found this helpful
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talkstotrees

answers from Erie on

I would love to hear your husband's side of the story.

6 moms found this helpful
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MilitaryMom 6.

answers from Woodbridge on

Wow, you've really got some kind of anger transference going on here. You state that this is all about your in-laws, but unless you are pretty crazy, no one make this kind of a big deal about in-laws. Seriously. This has got to be about your husband and your feelings about being married to him and you are just picking a convenient scapegoat - his family.

Now, you bring yet another new life into this shambles of a disaster . . . I can't even advise you other than to say that it is extremely unfair of you to keep this baby away from its father ALREADY by denying him access to doctor appointments concerning his child.

Divorce your poor husband - he deserves better.

Oh, what the hell? Hiding birth and marriage certificates? How old are you? You do know that these are replaceable documents, correct? They are not magical and damaging them does nothing but create the hassle and expense of replacing them . . .

9 moms found this helpful
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♣Gidget♣

answers from Springfield on

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy. Because this is one of those times when you can't be both.

You went to the funeral, and all you could do was think about old hurts. You thought about it so much that you just had to tell your husband. And what did you accomplish by telling him? You made him mad at you. Did anything you thought about or say to him affect the people you were upset with? Not one bit. When you hold on to pain from the past, you don't hurt the people who caused the pain, you only hurt yourself and the people closest to you.

When you choose to let go of old pain, you're not saying that what the other person did was ok. Rather, you are saying that you are no longer going to let that pain hurt you. You are no longer going to let that person have control in your life.

If you want to work things out with your husband, apologize to him. Tell him that you are very sorry that you let this affect you and affect him. Let go of the past. You don't have to have a relationship with his family, but you do need to stop letting things that happened in the past hurt you today.

9 moms found this helpful
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J B.

answers from Boston on

OK where to begin?

1) The funeral - you were 1000% wrong and should be sorry. A funeral is not the time to air your grievances. If you can't see that, then you are self-absorbed.

2) You're not close with your in-laws? So what? Let it go and accept that it is what it is.

3) Marriage and birth certificates are replaceable. Not sure why either of you think they are a big deal or that cutting them up or hiding them means something. That's just juvenile and petty of both of you (mostly him because it sounds like he started that nonsense).

4) If he is a stay at home dad, you will end up paying him spousal support and possibly/probably child support if you split up.

5) You're pregnant - hopefully hormones are clouding your judgment. You owe it to yourself and your kids to try to make this work, or to manage as amicable a split as you can. In either case, counseling is imperative. Give it a try, and give it your all. Paying for counseling is a lot cheaper than paying for a divorce!

12 moms found this helpful

B

answers from Chesapeake on

I think some marriage counseling is a good idea.
Have some input on who you see - so you don't view it as 'well my husband picked the counselor and now they are all against me'.

You have some issues - and you seem to be overwhelmed - and just a bit paranoid.

Not having a relationship with your in-laws?
Do you realize some people would consider this to be ideal?

The funeral - your husband should not have forced you to go - you could have said no - and he should have accepted your answer.
It would have been nice to just be there to support your husbands family and him emotionally - just offered your condolences and "I'm so sorry for your loss" but if you felt you could not stick with that plan - then staying away would have been ideal.
Your husband kind of got what he insisted on - and he should have been more understanding of your situation.

You are 20 weeks pregnant.
While I didn't have depression or massive mood swings - some women do - and I know of one woman who was so massively hormonal while pregnant that she was horrible enough to her husband that she had him in tears almost every single day right up until she gave birth.
Her hormones truly brought out the Jekyll and Hyde in her.

You have a right to end a marriage if you are truly miserable.
But I have a feeling that being away from your husband would not be a fix for your feelings right now.

Get some marriage counseling together - and get some individual counseling just for yourself - and I would wait for a year or so till after the birth of your child to make a major decision.
If you want no more children - arrange to have your tubes cut and tied when you give birth.
If a divorce is inevitable - you need to make a plan and you need time to put it in place.

Talk to your doctor about all you are feeling.
He really needs to know and you need to work with him.
I hope you feel better soon - or at least in about 20 or so more weeks.

Additional:
Just airing your feeling to your husband about the funeral should have been ok - so you didn't upset everyone at the funeral - but he's grieving - and probably wasn't up to hearing about it just then.
He still could have let you stay home without arguing about it.
Timing is everything.

The marriage certificate - people accidentally lose those all the time.
They are easily replaced through Bureau of Vital Statistics of what ever state you were married in.
Playing around with hiding it or cutting it up - really?
It accomplishes nothing - it means nothing - it's not accomplishing divorce.
This is a symptom of the problem - it's not the problem.
Quit playing that game.

10 moms found this helpful

Diane B.

answers from Westborough on

You're miserably unhappy and pregnant (hormonal), but you don't want to go to counseling? GO! Breaking up a marriage requires just as much self-awareness and confidence as keeping one together, and you'll need help and support no matter which choice you make. It's a safe place to share your feelings with a neutral arbiter - why would you only look at the expense and not the benefit it could provide to YOU? If you get divorced, you still need to help your daughter through it.

You have long-term, built-up resentment toward his family. Maybe they are horrible people and totally disinterested - but you need help in dealing with that and not letting that resentment stay in you. It's eating you alive. So get help for it. You don't have to see people who don't enjoy you and whom you dislike, but you can't then be resentful at the same time that they aren't around for your daughter. If they're so awful, why do you want them involved? Your husband can see them on his own time.

I do think your choice of spilling your guts at the funeral was very poorly timed. I don't care how awful everyone is, you don't choose a crisis time of loss and mourning to talk about your own needs. You should have gone, expressed your condolences, and let them all say what they needed to say about the loss. You only had to listen. You say you apologized, but you also say you aren't sorry. So that insincerity is something he could feel.

Maybe he's a lazy person who earns no money, but maybe he's a nurturing and caring father. Women who stay home and raise children have been called lazy do-nothings for generations, so be sure you aren't being so dismissive of his contributions. Maybe he doesn't feel appreciated and that's part of your problem?

Forget the certificates. They can be replaced for a small fee, and someone taking the certificate doesn't invalidate the marriage. It's interesting to me that you thought to take them, and that he thought to go look for them. Why are you both focused on the paperwork? Why is this symbolism so front-and-center in your home? He wants to cut them up as a dramatic sign, and you want to hide them as a dramatic sign. Sounds manipulative on both of your parts. Anyway, I'd put that worry aside. If these papers are valuable to you, do what most people do - put them in a safety deposit box at the bank where they are safe from loss, carelessness, fire and flood.

To recap - get counseling. You two don't know how to express your feelings in a way that doesn't cause hurt, and you are both harboring a lot of anger. Your child is being raised by 2 angry and resentful people, and that's not good for her whether you stay together or divorce.

11 moms found this helpful

Diane D.

answers from Norwood on

First thing is that a marriage certificate and birth certificate can be ordered at any time so hiding it isn't needed. You can always get a duplicate one.

Personally I think you are just looking for a way to exit this marriage without it costing you money to support him. You couldn't resist insulting your sil (and yes if you opened your mouth and said negative things you did insult her) at at her son's funeral? That's the worst thing I've ever heard. If you had to attend you should have parked your butt in the back of the room and kept quiet.

If you are unwilling to see a marriage counselor then make an appointment and go see a lawyer. You have already put your 4 yr old in the middle of this situation. Get it resolved before your next child has to be born into the war zone you and your hubby have created.

7 moms found this helpful
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Margie G.

answers from Portland on

Well ...

You don't mention one positive thing here.

He's trying to go to counseling (only thing I can think of that might save your marriage) and you're not interested because of the cost.

I think there's your answer.

As for the in-laws - you don't have to be involved with them. That's YOUR choice. Lots of people aren't involved with their spouse's families. It's like their spouse's friends. You don't have to like them, or hang out with them. You just have to be respectful of their relationship to them.

That shouldn't be that hard. You're supposed to respect your spouse/partner.

If you didn't want to attend the funeral, again, that's your prerogative.

Those are your personal boundaries. You can have those in a marriage. Then there are marital boundaries. So the in-laws can't affect what happens within your marriage.

If you went to counseling, a counselor would explain this to you and hubby, and give you some guidelines. Personally, that would be my recommendation and money well spent.

You're about to have a baby. I would at least go for the sake of your children. Go to a few sessions and see how you do.

Good luck.

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