I need more different ways to discipline/ punish my 8 yr old son.

Carrie T. asks from Jacksonville, NC
14 answers

I need help my 8 yr old son has been lying and having a hard time doing what he has been told. I'm running out of options, everything I've done time out, spanking, takin toys away, grounded it's NOT HELPING!!!!! PLEASE HELP

Please log in or sign up to respond

What can I do next?

  • Add your own comment
  • Ask your own question
  • Join the Mamapedia community
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

14 Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

Retta ..

answers from San Antonio on

Only you know your son and at least you have figured out what does not work.

With my son I can talk to him about what is going on and he will come up with a plan of consequences far worse than I ever would...so we back off from those and use the basic premise of what he comes up with. Instead of his suggestion of no electronics for two weeks we try two days, with the caveat that next time he does the same thing it doubles to four. He also has a hard time "hearing" me. I may think he has heard what I told him to do but until he stops what he is doing and repeats it back to me...I don't know for sure he heard me. That is our new way of communication. I make sure he heard and he acknowledged that he heard me. I even bought a timer to help him know by when I want something done. He wants to please me and learn to do new chores he is just a bit ADD and needs the help from timers, alarms and notes.

My daughter is different as she doesn't need all the extra timers and alarms. But a good visit sitting down and having her decide how to handle if she lies or doesn't listen. Also, how she can and cannot speak to me...as the cheekiness an come out in her with tone of voice. She is now pretty much through the lying phase as she knows the consequence for most things that are not allowed so there is no fear of me exploding in anger just well...you know what happens now...bring me your DS or tablet...or no tv, etc.

I think all children go through a lying phase and you have to nip it in the bud. Catching it calling them on it, find out what they are doing it. (I have double consequences if you lie about it first.) Just tell me the truth and we will figure it out calmly to be a learning experience. Good luck!!

Updated

Only you know your son and at least you have figured out what does not work.

With my son I can talk to him about what is going on and he will come up with a plan of consequences far worse than I ever would...so we back off from those and use the basic premise of what he comes up with. Instead of his suggestion of no electronics for two weeks we try two days, with the caveat that next time he does the same thing it doubles to four. He also has a hard time "hearing" me. I may think he has heard what I told him to do but until he stops what he is doing and repeats it back to me...I don't know for sure he heard me. That is our new way of communication. I make sure he heard and he acknowledged that he heard me. I even bought a timer to help him know by when I want something done. He wants to please me and learn to do new chores he is just a bit ADD and needs the help from timers, alarms and notes.

My daughter is different as she doesn't need all the extra timers and alarms. But a good visit sitting down and having her decide how to handle if she lies or doesn't listen. Also, how she can and cannot speak to me...as the cheekiness an come out in her with tone of voice. She is now pretty much through the lying phase as she knows the consequence for most things that are not allowed so there is no fear of me exploding in anger just well...you know what happens now...bring me your DS or tablet...or no tv, etc.

I think all children go through a lying phase and you have to nip it in the bud. Catching it calling them on it, find out why they are doing it. (I have double consequences if you lie about it first.) Just tell me the truth and we will figure it out calmly to be a learning experience. Good luck!!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

Micky♥

answers from Santa Monica on

Tweak your thinking. It's not punishment, it's how we use parenting tools to teach our kids and get the desired action.
Kids are all different. The way they learn, deal with things.
Some children have developmental delays.
Spanking does nothing but drive fear into a child.
They will learn to hide and lie.
Also, as they grow they go through different stages. At about ages 7,8 or 9 is one stage. They try to assert some independence, try out their wings, make decisions for themselves based on what they see from us parents AND what we've taught them.
Just outline what is going on, what needs to happen next and what you expect.
For example, "John, we are about to get ready to leave the house so you need to put the toy down, get dressed and brush your teeth & hair so we can leave.
Give ample time for this but not so much time that they are sitting around dressed & waiting for an hour. Even I don't like that for myself.
Think about what you need to get done that day & use sense as to the order of things. Balance down time with errands etc. Always use a calm voice, If you find you can't, remove yourself from the room & take 3 deep breaths. Come back & revisit the situation. Have reasonable requests for your children. REalize their limitations, for example, my 7 year old cannot read my mind, know what I have to do and where I have to go at time.
Try to be the best parent and lead your child therefore teaching them.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

Vickie C.

answers from Pomona on

Try talking to him. I swear it works. The other thing is that lying is actually a part of the natural learning process, as long as it’s little white lies, like lying about who broke the bowl, or why he took him out if your purse. I would talk to him calmly and ask him why he lied. Just say that you’re curious about it. If he says he doesn’t know, then tell him he can think about it and let you know later on. Then talk to him about lying and why it’s bad. Ask him if he would like it if you lied to him. But make sure to do this when you are not angry. You can tell him that it disappoints you when he lies. Talking with kids about everything goes a long way. Then if you do need to punish him, tell him why. Ask him if he understands why he is being punished. Tell him how he will be punished and for how long, as well as what happens if he doesn’t abide by that punishment.

Updated

Try talking to him. I swear it works. The other thing is that lying is actually a part of the natural learning process, as long as it’s little white lies, like lying about who broke the bowl, or why he took him out if your purse. I would talk to him calmly and ask him why he lied. Just say that you’re curious about it. If he says he doesn’t know, then tell him he can think about it and let you know later on. Then talk to him about lying and why it’s bad. Ask him if he would like it if you lied to him. But make sure to do this when you are not angry. You can tell him that it disappoints you when he lies. Talking with kids about everything goes a long way. Then if you do need to punish him, tell him why. Ask him if he understands why he is being punished. Tell him how he will be punished and for how long, as well as what happens if he doesn’t abide by that punishment.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

.. ..

answers from Valhalla on

I have two boys. Both of them have different personalities. My 10 year old is quiet and started to be resistant to authority at 6. I did everything you’ve done. My friend whose a Dyfuss worker said you can spank your child in his bottom. Do not use a spoon that’s considers a weapon. Back in day I was brought up this way and I never knew why my mom hit me. Make sure you tell him why. I grew up disliking my mom and still on edge with her. When parenting became difficult and didn’t know what to do my mother told me to spank him but after being very upset after doing it. I knew I didn’t want be the same parent as my mother. So I asked my friend and she told me to call mobile response and advocate comes out and gives you resources(call 211) After a few times working with them I learned different techniques “reward systems “ and example: layout your day from morning to evening so he expects what he needs to do next after school have him do hw, chores, dinner, free play, bath, pj and sleep. I did this with my 6 year old and my 10 year old likes it and also I had a calendar that I wrote everything we would do and I made sure I take them to library for free classes or check family magazine for free events in area. I also put my sons in sports and it helps them be around guys vs me. My eldest is defiant and I had to break my habit to not react to him because you are fueling the behavior. It was hard to wrap my mind to it. I have caught him lying and I called him out on it as told him I was very disappointed in him and he had to earn it back. Example when my 10 year old answers back or fib I would calmly tell him thank you for your honesty. Try not punish as much praise if he does something positive say “ way to go” “ that’s awesome” etc. you have to break the habit and look at the positive he does. I struggled with this but you can do it! I felt silly at first but hey the sillIiee the better. I also have talks with both my boys while I’m driving (haha their confined )but I tell them that behavior didn’t look good or you hurt my feelings etc. I also go to liquid church and their classes for my 6 year old teach my son about religion and life lessons. Both of my boys were diagnosed with adhd and odd. I personally don’t want medicate them because I don’t think a pill would help the ODD of defiance which all children have. I believe that structure is key and telling them what to expect, sports, church, being a good role model (not loosing your temper or fighting in front of them) and talking to them helps a lot. Hope this helps and take a deep breath. You got this

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

.. ..

answers from Valhalla on

I have two boys. Both of them have different personalities. My 10 year old is quiet and started to be resistant to authority at 6. I did everything you’ve done. My friend whose a Dyfuss worker said you can spank your child in his bottom. Do not use a spoon that’s considers a weapon. Back in day I was brought up this way and I never knew why my mom hit me. Make sure you tell him why. I grew up disliking my mom and still on edge with her. When parenting became difficult and didn’t know what to do my mother told me to spank him but after being very upset after doing it. I knew I didn’t want be the same parent as my mother. So I asked my friend and she told me to call mobile response and advocate comes out and gives you resources(call 211) After a few times working with them I learned different techniques “reward systems “ and example: layout your day from morning to evening so he expects what he needs to do next after school have him do hw, chores, dinner, free play, bath, pj and sleep. I did this with my 6 year old and my 10 year old likes it and also I had a calendar that I wrote everything we would do and I made sure I take them to library for free classes or check family magazine for free events in area. I also put my sons in sports and it helps them be around guys vs me. My eldest is defiant and I had to break my habit to not react to him because you are fueling the behavior. It was hard to wrap my mind to it. Example when my 10 year old answers back I would calmly tell him what’s expected and if he gives attitude let him be, then go back when he’s calmed and talk to him. I still have talks with both my boys while I’m driving haha their confined but I tell them that behavior didn’t look good or you hurt my feelings. I also go to liquid church and their classes for my 6 year old teach my son about religion and life lessons. Both of my boys were diagnosed with adhd and odd. I personally don’t want medicate them because I don’t think a pill would help the ODD of defiance which all children have. I believe that structure is key and telling them what to expect, sports, church, being a good role model (not loosing your temper or fighting in front of them) and talking to them helps a lot. Hope this helps and take a deep breath. You got this

Suz t.

answers from Sharpsburg on

i think a great place to start would be to think of some pleasant and happy responses to the times he's honest, respectful and helpful.

focus more on rewarding good behavior than hitting and isolating him for bad.
khairete
suz

1 mom found this helpful

tadpole

answers from New York on

Head over to the library. Check out a book called "123 Magic" read it. Implement it in daily life and be conaistent. I started this with my kids when they were younger. And now I don't even have to say the numbers out loud. I just hold up fingers and they understand what's about to happen. I still say numbers at home so they still hear it too.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

Corrine D.

answers from Chicago on

If you respond so harshly, kids will lie to you in order to avoid punishment. That is about him not trusting you, just as much as you don't trust him. You're stuck in a bad cycle that is hard to break, because neither of you have the skills to communicate with trust and respect. Have you ever considered positive reinforcement? At this point, I'd consider therapy to discuss these issues and find better solutions wherein you are both responsible for fostering trust in each other. I'm not saying kids should never be punished, but if your kid is lying to you and punishment isn't working, I suspect you've gone too far and there might be better solutions out there.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

♣Gidget♣

answers from Springfield on

It is much more effective to be specific about what needs to happen and make sure he knows that this is going to happen, than it is to punish for not doing it.

If you expect him to pick up his toys, tell him that he needs to stop what he's doing and pick up his toys. Make sure the tv is not on, the radio is not on, there are no distractions. Make sure you say, "It's time to ... " and not "Will you ... " Big difference. Now, don't let him do anything else until he picks up his toys. If you were planning to do something he likes once he's done, remind him of that. "Bobby, we can have dessert as soon as you put your toys away."

Not every situation is not that simple, and there will be times you can't wait for him to do the job. But anytime you can wait for him, do it. The more you wait him out, the more you send the message that he has to do it and the more you send the message that the sooner he does it, the sooner he gets to move onto something he wants to do.

I do know that this might be easier said than done. I have a son with Autism who really struggled with refusals, and I do know how terrified I was when the principal first mentioned this method to me. But I have to tell you, it works!!! I told her I was terrified that we would be waiting forever, and she said, "I only have to wait one more minute than he does." Kids will give up much faster than you think once they realize they aren't going to get out of doing what you've told them they need to do.

Recently we were at my brother's house and the kids were in the pool. We saw some angry clouds coming and decided the kids needed to get out of the pool, just in case. My SIL told them to get out and why, my Autism kid hopped right out. The other kids kept playing (not for long, my SIL said, "Um, now!" and they got out). My SIL turned to me and said, "Wow! He was the first to get out. He's made so much progress!"

3 moms found this helpful

Diane B.

answers from Westborough on

Spanking teaches them that it's okay to be physical and hurtful when a person is angry or frustrated. I don't think that helps him, do you?

Not doing what he's told can be a lot of things: focus/attention issues, or maybe he's being given too many things at once. "Clean your room" is overwhelming, but "Put all your Legos in this bin" is not. He may have trouble transitioning - many kids do (maybe he needs a 5-minute head's up that it's going to be time for the next thing). Maybe he needs more organization - a place for all his homework, a place for what he needs to go out the door for camp/school, a written checklist with stickers. Some parents I know, sick of wet towels on the bed, put a towel bar on the back of the bedroom door or on the closet door. Compromise between "put it in the bathroom" and "get it off the bed or floor."

By 8, he's old enough to see that actions have consequences - a much better word than "punishment." You set expectations, and say what happens first and second. "When you unload the dishwasher, we can go to the pool. The latest I can do that is 10:30 though, because then I have to be back for XYZ." If he doesn't unload, then he doesn't go to the pool. Make it clear it was HIS choice to not go to the pool. A parent educator taught us all this phrase: "How unfortunate for you." Say that to a kid who doesn't wear his mittens despite being told and then can't play at recess: "How unfortunate for you. I have my mittens so I can do XYZ. You decided not to wear yours, so you have to stand here with your hands in your pockets." So if your son doesn't put his dirty laundry in the hamper, then he won't have his favorite shirt or his soccer uniform washed. His choice. This becomes a statement of fact, said once, and not a nagging theme.

Lying is something else. It depends on what he's lying about, and why. If he's lying about what chores he did, you can solve it over time with not being able to go places he wants to. If he's lying about hurting another child or stealing, then you need to get to the bottom of it. But usually, not being able to go to that kid's house or not being allowed to be unsupervised because he can't be trusted yet (say "yet" because it tells him he can achieve this when he's more mature) can be a big motivator.

You don't say what the lying is about so I don't know whether counseling would be helpful.

I do think a regular schedule of chores is a good idea for kids - it's not punishment, it's part of being a responsible family member so the stuff gets done and everyone has time now to go to the beach, go for ice cream, play a board game, read a book on a picnic blanket outside, etc. Most kids have far too few responsibilities and then truly go off to college with zero skills. My son's roommate, a great guy in many ways, had no idea how to use an ATM machine because his mother drove 3 hours each way with cash. He had no idea how the recyclables got out of the room and down to the center on the first floor because she did everything for him. He knew to sort things, but he had no idea how to pick them up and take them when he was going downstairs anyway. The kid across the street from us had zero idea of how to do laundry. That's something an 8 year old can do. Start with 1 chore, praise him, allow him to do it a little bit imperfectly (like if the fitted sheet isn't folded well, so what?), and let him get confidence. Reward him, not with money, but with your time and fun things to do. Then add one chore a month.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

Elena B.

answers from Aiea on

It seems as though your punishments don't "fit the crime", so to speak. If someone lies regularly, he demonstrates that he can't be trusted, that he isn't reliable. So a logical punishment might be: not letting him go to a friend's house, not letting him have independence, not allowing him to have free time to just watch tv in the family room while you're doing the laundry or making dinner. No going to birthday parties, or the park, unless you're right there, watching him like he was 2 years old, etc. Someone who can't be trusted must be watched all the time and supervised. It gets really old really fast. You must tell him calmly that he has a habit of not telling the truth, and for that, he'll stay right by mommy's side all the time. No more freedom until he stops lying, and starts to appreciate the value of telling the truth.

Those are the punishments.

But the discipline has to happen as well. Discipline, in my opinion, is the teaching, the imparting of what's important. Talk to your son calmly about why it matters that he is reliable, trustworthy and honest. Talk to him about being able to earn an allowance (he can't until he demonstrates the ability to be honest - you're not going to give a single cent to someone you can't trust), the privilege of having a phone or tablet some day (I hope he doesn't have one now, and if he does, any electronic devices are immediately taken away, password protected, and locked up anywhere where he can't access them), the freedom to play outside or go to a friend's house. All those privileges are granted to someone who can be trusted to be where he says he is, and to come home at the determined time. Talk to him about someone he respects, like maybe a grandparent or an uncle or dad, and how that person has a good job, a nice car, and good friends, all because that person is trustworthy. Tell your son he has lost your trust for now, but not your love, and explain clearly how he can earn your trust back. He can tell the truth, and he can keep his word. He can begin to earn back his freedom by demonstrating - not just once but consistently over a period of time - that he's honest.

2 moms found this helpful

TF Plano/Allen

answers from Plano on

I have never been a fan of spanking a child. I don't understand that it teaches the child anything other than the parent is on a power trip and using spanking to justify hitting them.

Your child is 8 and this is not something that is a sudden behavior. There is a reason behind the disrespect, lying and not following house rules.

Look within yourself and how you are to your child, how you model your behavior. Is dad is the picture? If not, he is missing an important relationship and could be acting out.

A couple or more counseling sessions on teaching you parenting and communication skills and teaching him how to deal with boundaries and rules could be a great help to you both.

Children need to be praised... not beat down all the time. There HAS to be something you recognize that can be praised. Try to change how you are reacting and see if that makes a difference.

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

Margie G.

answers from Portland on

Try rewarding him for when he does things the way you ask him to, for helping out and for being respectful. It's far more effective - kids want positive reinforcement and encouragement.

Just have rules - and if he breaks them, just ignore him. When he can be respectful and come back and contribute the family, he can join in the fun. Lying, not doing as told - he doesn't get to do what he wants to do (e.g. if mine hadn't cleaned up, they didn't get to go out and play until it was done). Reward them. Lying - usually meant they had something going on. I learned to listen.

I found, as soon as we got out of that negative spiral (I would walk away - mommy time outs were more effective than kid time outs) everything turned around.

Spanking - I am not a fan. Never did that. I am not sure what that teaches a child.

2 moms found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us