Younger Sibling Left Out

I try to make time for the child who isn't invited. It's a good time to start having girl time and guy time. My son's started when my daughter was invited to a movie he couldn't see. Instead of concentrating on him not being able to go I told him he was going to have guy time with his dad.

I think it's important that both parents have time alone with each kid. I enjoy time with both especially when I can give them my undivided attention.

Blessings!
L.

This happened to me last year. All of a sudden my son just stopped being invited, even though they all play together all the time. It's probably an "age thing." Kids get weird when they go to school.

We homeschool, and in the homeschool community whole families are invited, end of story-even mom and dad. I'm thankful for this.

I can see why you would be put off and want to skip the party.

Because the little girl has always been a mutual friend to both, I would want my daughter to want her brother to be included too. Otherwise, it does feel like he is being "left out" in way that's much different from a school friend's party.

Siblings are not attached at the hip and shouldn't be expected to go everywhere/do everything together.
There will be times when your son is invited to things and your daughter is not.
When one is busy with something, you and the remaining child have some special time together.
As for inviting friends - your kids will get to an age where they have some different friends and some friends in common between them.
If you think it's complicated now - just wait till they are teens and old enough to start DATING each others friends - that's a whole other hive of bees.

Easy - you tell your son it's all girls. It very well might be at this age. Or you make an excuse and don't go. As kids get older, this will happen more and more. Your son and M may be just as good friends but she may not have any other "boy" friends and also as a way to cut the guest list, the mom may have made it all girls. If your son comes what about her other friend who has a brother?... Not easy on either side really. Everyone faces this dilemma at some point - at least everyone with more than 1 child. So don't take it personally and if you want your daughter to go, come up with something fun for your son during the time. He'll be ok. Kids live in the moment especially at 4. Say you'll do something with M separately for her bday and likely he'll forget.

ETA: I get the family friend thing btw. We included lots of siblings for that reason for a long time. But maybe this family is on a tight budget and cutting that off sooner than we did. It does happen for everyone eventually.

This is pretty typical as kids get older, and often awkward among the adults. But I would just go by who's actually invited to the party and not stress out about it too much. Also try not to make it a big deal with your son, you know, don't mention it unless he asks, and if he does just say well I think she wanted an all girl party (VERY typical at that age.)

It is crucial that you not try to cover anything up, or sit down with your son and gently tell him in the same way that you might break bad news to him. Just be matter-of-fact. "Oh, Jeannie, we have to get a gift for Debbie's birthday party next week. Bobby, what will we do that day? I think we should go bike riding while Jeannie's at the party." If Bobby asks if he's going, you just say "nope, this is for older girls." Like it's no big deal.

This is life. When your daughter is old enough to drive, are you not going to let her until your son is old enough, too?

When kids begin getting a little older than 2 or 3, the parties begin getting a little more expensive, or specialized (only girls, or only 4 kids, etc).

And this should have absolutely NOTHING to do with your upcoming party! That would be petty and cruel and would demonstrate to your children that if there is not 100% equality, then we all don't participate. Which is going to make the 4th grade field trip or the sleep away at Boy Scout camp pretty uncomfortable at your house. "Nope, Jeannie can't go to Boy Scout camp so Bobby, you have to stay home too, even though you've worked hard to earn the trip." Doesn't make sense when you look at it that way, does it?

I knew a woman who insisted on absolute equality for her children. Believe it or not, she would not give one child a birthday cake without making a complete birthday cake for the other child (they did not share birthdays, and were a couple of years apart, but she believed that celebrating one child with a cake would leave the other child out). She calculated TO THE PENNY the amount she spent on gift at holidays and nearly drove herself crazy. She'd realize that she spent $191.82 on child A and only $187.00 on child B and would shop like nuts to find something that cost $4.82. She was a nervous wreck and her kids were irreparably entitled and spoiled. They could not deal with life and inferred that absolutely everything was unfair.

Please don't do this to your kids. Encourage sharing, generosity, and a normal sense of personal space and separateness. Invite all your son's friends without regard to whom you must re-pay for any perceived injustice. It's not injustice or an insult. It's part of growing up.

This is going to happen many, many more times before your kids are out of grade school. This is part of life.

I would probably just say that your daughter was invited to a birthday party, let her go and do something else with your son. You don't need to specifically point out to him that he wasn't invited. You just need to say M is going to a birthday party and talk about what you and he will do.

Whether you invite the friend to your son's party or not is up to you. I would base it on whether or not he wants to include her.

My oldest is in 2nd grade. He has been invited to several birthday parties. Some of those kids get invited to his party and some don't. When it's time to plan by son's birthday party, we sit down with a list of kids in his class and kids he's friends with and we ask him who he wants to invite.

You were right when you said they are probably limited in the number of guests they can have, and there often comes a time when boys invite boys and girls invite girls. It's not always easy to make choices, but it's also something you should try not to take personally. Send your daughter and hope she has a great time!

Oh this is going to go on from now on.

The older child will start being able to participate in certain things before the younger.

The younger will have more time as an only child then the older when they move out for college. , unless you have another child.

When the older one is in sports the younger will be dragged along, but the older will probably get a pass going to all of the young siblings activities, because that child will have more homework., will have their activities etc.. .

Siblings need to learn they are not always going to be able to participate in what the other sibling does.

Where is dad? Could you two split up and each take a child that day. One to the skating party and the other an activity with the other child, or gasp, the other child just stay home with dad and just hang out or invite one of his friends over without sister being there?

Well, at that age, a lot of parties for girls are for girls.
IF he asks, tell your son that he'll be hanging with dad during the girl party.

I know what you're saying about how it's been in the past, etc. but, as Bib Dylan says: The times, they are a -changin'!

This is a good time to start teaching your son that him and his sister are not a package deal.

My friend has a daughter around my youngest daughter's age but when we hung out my son had to come along. The girls were nice, didn't ignore him but it is clear the girls are the friends. I would have never asked my friend if my son could tag along to a birthday party that is clearly for the girls.

I would not call it leaving the younger sibling out. It is about life and how it works. As others have said the children are not joined at the hip nor are they going to go to everything equally. As time goes by and they get older there will different things they will want to do without the other included.

So don't go forcing for the younger to go to something that is not his age range just because you are friends with the family. It seems hard but you will do different things with each child and create memories. Besides your daughter needs her own space and friends without brother being involved.

Enjoy the party and the time you have with your son alone. Where is dad?

the other S.

i would send my daughter happily to the party and do something fun with my son. i wouldn't assume 'hurt about being left out' because i think it's utterly ridiculous for any parents to assume that all kids are a homogenous unit and move in lockstep.
khairete
S.

Most of the posts we see on Mamapedia are people just overwhelmed with parties where they have to invite all the siblings! So here we have a parent who chose to just invite the friends her daughter wanted to invite, and it's the opposite because you're upset your son was left out.

The kids are getting older. They're entitled to their own friends. Your little boy was included because he was in the house, but by your own admission you say you haven't spent that much time together lately. So this is the time you teach your children that they are going to have separate friends, receive separate invitations, and have separate parties. If M doesn't want to have a little boy at her party (whether she's having all girls or not), she doesn't have to invite him.

No you cannot ask your friend if your son can go. You will put her in an impossible situation and there's no way for her to look at it as anything but rude. No "manners expert" will tell you that you can invite yourself or your children to things. We don't want to teach our children to invite themselves to events or parties. We teach them to choose friends and issue invitations, not to solicit them.

So no, don't invite M to HIS birthday party either. Not because you are teaching her a lesson and leaving her out, but because she and he are not that good friends. Kids may want to separate their parties and play dates by gender, and other kids may not. Either way we have to respect their choices and social circles, teach kids to make choices with friends and not just follow the crowd, and yes, we have to teach kids to deal with disappointment. But that disappointment should be minimal since your son doesn't spend much time with M at all anyway.

Tell him it's a girl party.

Honestly, this is the perfect age for him to see that he will not always be included. I have triplets. When they were little, all 3 were always included. If the girls got some girley thing, the gifter would buy something just for him as well even sometimes going out of their way. As they got older, he kind of expected to get something--and soetimes people did. Once he started getting excluded, he started to understand that the girls will sometimes get something and he won't--and vice-versa. You could call to RSVP and say that since the invite is for your daughter, he swould stay with dad. Then she may or may not say that he was also included in the invite. When my girls were invited to a party and my son was not included, I just let him know that it was for the girls.

I do understand feeling bad for your son, and your curiosity as to why only your daughter when its always been the three of them together, but there could a myriad of reasons why he wasn't invited that have nothing to do with him personally. I don't think it's healthy to hide the fact from your son. He may not even care as much as your think! If he is upset and asks why, just be honest and say you don't know, but you could also give him real world answers as to some possible reasons. Maybe it's only for girls, maybe ice skating has an age limit for safety etc etc. Make sure he has something enjoyable to do that day, and he will see that even though it stings a little, it's not the end of the world to be left out every once in a while. This happens more often as they get older because parent budgets don't usually allow for unlimited birthday party guests. As far as inviting or not inviting M to your son's birthday party, maybe take yourself out of the issue and ask him who he would like to invite?

Maybe M was only inviting girls or only school aged kids. Since your daughter is older, wasn't she M's friend for at least a year before your son was born?

Nope don't say a thing. Take your daughter to the party. Set a good example to your kids. They need to learn this now as it is going to happen. They will play with a lot of the same friends but they won't always be invited to the same things. We had a little bit of drama with this the first time around (girls where 5 and 4) but they learn quick. Next time the youngest gets an invite and the oldest doesn't.

The whole birthday party thing has caused me more angst than most any other social aspect of parenting. I have agonized over lists, worried about hurting people's feelings, struggled with limiting the numbers when there was limited space or when it was in a place that wasn't appropriate for younger siblings (like the year we did a party at the indoor baseball field and batting cages. What were we thinking????) : )

What I've finally come up with as the kids have gotten older? It's their party and their guest list, so they get to have more say in who they want. Sure, when they are in preschool, you control the list. As they grow, you have to let them make choices. "Susie, you can have 15 guests at your party. Let's make a list."

And maybe, that's what this mom did. Maybe her daughter just wanted her girl friends at the party. Not because she doesn't like your son or consider him a friend. Just because she's a kid, and at that age, kids start to have their own ideas and make their own friendships outside of what their parents have formed for them earlier in life. It's also pretty common for parties to start becoming more one-gender events as the kids get older.

In addition, I'm guessing from what you've written, your son is the 4 year-old. If I were hosting a party at an ice-skating rink for kids this age, for safety reasons, I'd want to limit the number of kids and ensure that each child had a parent with them to help. Your time would be split between a 4 y/o and a 6 y/o if you had both there, and 4 is pretty young to be left alone at any time on the ice. (I'm saying this as someone who has been ice skating since age 6 or 7. Just last December, I fell on the ice while skating with my son and nieces and suffered a very serious concussion that resulted in complications and a long healing time). What I'm saying is there is a safety factor to be considered here.

I would not ask to bring your son. It's just my opinion, but I feel that is inappropriate and actually rude to ask that of hosts of the party. If every invited child brought an uninvited sibling, parties could end up with 30-40 or more children (especially true when entire classes are invited). Most homes aren't set up to handle that many children safely, and in a venue, the additional costs to the hosts would be steep.

Regardless of the reasons, it is the other child's party and the other family's decision. You've to let this go because with kids as young as yours, you have a long way to go in the birthday party world. I get that it's hard with little ones, but children have to learn that they are not invited to every party. It's just one of those life lessons that we all have to learn. Don't skip the party because of this.

Regarding your son's party next week, haven't you already sent invitations?
If you haven't, you should go ahead and invite the kids you had already planned to invite.

Hope this helps.

J. F.

I think you're making too big of a deal out of this. It's probably an all-girl party. Also, unless your kids are great at ice-skating, you'll probably have to help your daughter a lot. If your son was there, you'd have two to help keep on their feet.

Try not to take it as a personal attack on your son. Take is as you are still thought of as a friend with a child to be included in the girl's celebration.

If you planned to invite the girl to your son's party, then do so. I hope her invitation is not contingent on whether your son is invited to her party.

Your kids are growing up, and things will change.

If she's your friend, ask if your son can go. You might have to pay the tab yourself.

If she says no, accept it graciously and find something else for your son to do. Your son will be fine.

No, do not be petty, you are supposed to be an adult. As far as inviting people to your kids' parties, invite the people you would normally invite, and don't not invite someone because you are being vindictive.

There is nothing wrong with excluding your son from this ice skating party.

Went through this with my kids, too. My kids are 3 years apart and shared friends from church (all girls) who were younger than my son/older than my daughter, and younger than both my kids--but they all played together all the time and beautifully well. Son stopped being invited to birthday parties one year b/c they started being more girly and only inviting girls.
No big deal. You just be up front. No trying to hide it from your son. It is what it is and they will go through life having different experiences. This is just one of them.
Also, I don't know about your kids, but perhaps the mom is concerned that your son (he's only 4 right?) would have problems with the ice skating. Maybe where you are that is a non-issue completely and everyone skates from birth, but where I am, a 4 year old would be clueless. (Many older kids, too, b/c we just don't have much of that/opportunities to go do that here, and so most don't until their kids are older and more able to pick things up quickly and independently).

I wouldn't take it personally at all. And the way you present it to your son will go a long way towards how he feels about it. If you are super apologetic and make out like he *should* have been invited but wasn't, then that's how he'll feel. If you just say, "Hey, it's her party, and this is who she invited. That's the way it goes sometimes." Then he'll be more likely to process it better and not take it so personally. You can always tell him that it *might* be a party for just girls. "When you are older, if you want to only invite boys to your birthday party, I wouldn't have an issue with it."

He'll be fine, most likely. And you don't have to plan something elaborate for him to do to "make up for" not being invited, either. It feeds the notion that he is being sleighted somehow. He's not.

--Elena B. Very well said.

I think kids can invite who they want and even if they have siblings the other kids know they don't have to invite them.

If it's that big of a deal to you then rsvp no thank you and leave it at that. If she asks tell her that the other sibling was hurt they weren't invited. But don't look for any invitations in the future.

On the other hand he's going to be invited to birthday parties in the future that none of his siblings will be invited to. SO here's what you do. You explain to kids that when it comes to birthday parties only one gets invited. That if they get an invitation none of the others got one and this time XXXXX gets to go to the birthday party.

The first few times it's hard but they'll get it once they start getting their own invitations they'll understand.

Being that it is my daughter's birthday party in a few hours, I can tell you it is a challenge to plan a party with friends who have siblings.

She had a list of friends to invite, but it was cut by about 1/3 because there are siblings and I don't want to pay extra for the siblings or awkwardly watch them sitting on a bench waiting for the party to end.

I suggest you try to take a better understanding and if you think it will be unfair to your son, kindly decline.

Kids this age prefer their own gender. I would never expect my son to be invited to my daughter friend's party or vice versa. Sure they get upset but we always do something fun for the one who is left out.