Younger Moms and Older Moms

I think "old mom" is mistaken and it's not a question of age difference. They just have a different way of doing things. "Old mom" knows what works best for HER kids, and that may not be the way that works best for other moms. To each her own. I wouldn't take it as a personal insult.

I'm 44. I happen to count 36 among us "older moms" and I think this woman's opinion is misguided. It has nothing to do with age. It has to do with parenting philosophy, which differs among people, not age. 22 is a young mom. 36 is old enough to feel confident in one's beliefs and philosophies. I am a different parent at 44 now than I was at 36. My beliefs have changed and so has my parenting. But take heart - there is no magic parenting number. If 36 is old enough to run a multimillion dollar corporation and complete a PhD in more than one field (which it is), it certainly is old enough to raise children and do it mindfully and well.

My area is filled with older Moms & in my dealings with them *some* of them have that attitude, that older moms know more and were being 'more responsible' in waiting to have their kids 'when they could really know what they were doing'...,but not all of the older moms I've met are like this.

~The ones that are like this never know what category to put me in b/c I look young (it's the freckles) but I actually waited to have my 1st born til I was 26y/o....and am now 36y/o, .........wow! that sucks writing that...first time I've done it, I just had my b-day :/

I am an older mom, and here's my take. It's really a personality thing. There are "wing-it" folks and there are "tight-ship" folks. AND there are folks who are inbetween.

I have to wonder how much money your sister is getting for her nannying. I'll just bet that this mother is happy to pay less money, yet expect the nanny to take her place in her house. If she had said "Here is the schedule I would like for you to keep" rather than "You're young so you don't understand how to be a good mother", your sister would be a lot happier working for her.

You shouldn't be worrying about your "credibilty" as a mom. Don't let someone who wants to boss your sister around make you feel that way.

Your sister needs to decide if she wants to do the kind of work this mom wants, or not. If she doesn't, she should tell the mom now so that she can look for a replacement. If she wants to keep the job, she should tell the mom to write out a schedule, and then she should do her best to keep to the schedule.

If I were so fortunate to hire a 36 yr old teacher for a nanny, I am thinking she is pretty mature. As for the older lady, she used the "younger mom" theme to blame your sister for what was an obvious miscommunication about expectations. She shifted blame. It's a diversionary tactic to keep her employees questioning themselves instead of the boss. Its dishonest and cowardly.
I dont think I would not put up with that. Next time they have a little "talk", tell your sister to keep the focus on the boss. "I am so sorry, you didn't communicate your expectations to me from the beginning. I will be sure to try to discover your priorities better next time."

Meh.. I suspect that it's more about life perspective than age.
You & your sis are not ALL that much younger than the mom you're talking about.
I know good younger moms and crappy younger moms.
I know good older moms and crappy older moms.
It's not a simple equation. It's not that simple.
Apparently your sister is less structured than her employer would like.
That's really all you can discern from her experience.

I would be considered an older mom on this site. And I am probably like the lady your talking about lol.

I don't feel like my kids feelings will be irreparably shattered if I just say NO. without a half hour explanation of why I feel like no is appropriate or whether they like it or not.

I don't feel kids get a choice in what I tell them to do. If I say clean your room it is not up for discussion of whether they feel like it looks creative to have there underwear stretched over the lamp shade to create a design on the ceiling.

I don't feel like its ok for a kid to refuse to eat a healthy dinner as he is exploring his feelings on trying new foods.

I am the parent / nanny and I am the boss.

I do feel sometimes that parents in this younger generation try way to hard to be their kids friends and not near enough time being the parent. So much so that there is a whole generation of kids now who think they are the boss of the house.

sorry if that hurts peoples feelings but yes its how I feel. If you don't think that way go to any public place and just sit and watch the interaction between parents and kids.

In my day the children walked with the parents. not 20 feet ahead so as not to be associated with the family.

In my day at a place of business such as a restaurant it was a big deal to go out and children sat in their seats and said yes mam and no mam. not "I DONT WANT IT!!!! at the top of their lungs and flinging things around. they did not sit with their noses in electronics because the parents didn't talk to them or teach them manners just to keep them quiet. I can't even talk about the number of times I have seen a mom give in and hand her phone over to a kid to play with just to shut him up. I would have grabbed the kids and left. which I have in fact done.

I am not saying you or your sister is like that but so many are....... she may want more interaction with the kids and not want them sitting at home watching tv / video games.

The employer's attitude toward your sister is condescending. She's making it an "older mom/younger mom" issue., perhaps because she's insecure about her own parenting style. Or maybe she's a control freak and wants to make it an age thing rather than admit she has an uptight personality.

Whatever the reason, I don't think it has anything to do with age. The older I got, the more laid back in my parenting style. And I see some of my younger friends still trying to do it all and I just want to tell them to relax and enjoy their children.

Don't be intimidated by the older career moms and how they view you. You're not required to live up to their expectations. Find friends and support from like minded moms who love their kids and enjoy being moms, whatever their background and former career.

Although the other woman may be blaming it on age, I don't really think that's true. I know plenty of young moms who are already "Tiger Moms" and pushing their kids to do way more than necessary. My friend is 35 (same as me) and our oldest kids turn 6 this year. I sent my son to kinder, she held hers back to help him get ahead (granted, he's a few months younger than my son, but still made our age cutoff). In the meantime, she put him in a reading program, even though he could already read fluently on his own. She did it thinking he needed more academics and more structure (um, then put him in kindergarten?!?!?!)

Anyway, just an example to say that even younger moms can be more into structure and academics. Likewise, there are older moms out there who are free flowing, unstructured, and happy to do things whatever way works best that day.

There are moms of all ages out there who look down on other moms simply because they do things differently and are viewed as inferior. It's a personality thing, not an age thing.

I think it's fine that this woman is telling your sister how to structure the kids' day, but I do hope she can do so in a less condescending tone next time. And I feel bad for the kid, who should be able to enjoy summer without studying all afternoon. My guess is that she thinks your sister should be doing more since she is a teacher. Even during free play time, she probably expects her to come up with all kinds of creative projects and organized ideas.

From your post I didn't see age at all. I saw a mom hiring a teacher to nanny and wanted to ensure the teaching skills she possesses are being utilized during the summer. Sort of a nanny & tutor combo. I think that may have been what she meant by morning structure - teach my kids something! You are a teacher!

As others have stated, it's not an age thing, it's a parenting style issue. It sounds like she had expectations in hiring your sister that she did not communicate. Given your sister's profession as a teacher, she may have assumed that at least some part of the children's day would have an educational component. She may have even chosen your sister for that very reason. So what you have here is a failure to communicate :-). She should have made clear what she wanted her children's day to include, and your sister should have asked some questions to define expectations before starting the job. .

I, as an older mom, actually see the opposite. Many of the younger moms I know tend to be over-protective, they over structure and helicopter their kids, while the older moms I know are more laid back and "old fashioned" or free range.

Well I don't see a thirty six year old as being "significantly older" than someone in their late twenties. I had my son when I was twenty five but many of his friends' moms didn't start having babies until they were close to or in their forties, so we're talking a 15 to 20 year age difference, THAT'S significant!
And no, age doesn't have anything to do with it as far as I can tell, it's more about personality and the families' needs. When you work outside the home, or have more than a few kids to manage you tend to be more scheduled and organized. Though this is not always the case. My SIL and I are both SAHMs with three kids but she is WAY more of a scheduler than I am (and she is three years younger than me.) When you're older, you may be more relaxed, but also firmer in your opinions and way of doing things. I actually think younger moms tend to be more uptight and nervous (I probably was too!) because they are still learning.
Your sister's employer was giving her OWN opinion, and as a mother herself, your sister should be mature enough to realize that. I'm not sure where your insecurity around "older" mothers come from, but I have never experienced that. I actually tend to have more older mom friends, because, like I said, I find them more relaxed and self confident (and also I just happen to be one of the few "young" ones at forty five!)

I know some amazing young moms, and some really horrible older moms.

And the opposite.

To me, judging a mom based on based on her age is like judging a father based on skin color... A hurtful and untrue stereotype that has no place in our society.

Eta.. I also feel it is wrong to judge whether a mom is "good" or not just by holding them to the ideals of your parenting style. There is no one correct way to raise children. While this example's older mother's children may focus on education and structure, the younger may focus on self expression and creativity. Both systems are perfectly acceptable, and I'm sure all the children will grow up to be just fine.

I think of a younger mom as having kids in her 20s. And an older mom having kids maybe mid 30s to early 40s. Your question is interesting but I don't think you can generalize that older moms run a tight ship while younger moms are more loose/free. I think it is a personality trait of each woman...it does not matter if she is older or younger. Some older mom's will be more of a free spirit with unscheduled days and some younger mom's will schedule all their kid's time. I do think you can generalize that for the most part, many older moms have more education (that sounds condescending but I don't mean it that way) and have had a career before having kids and thus they and their husbands are doing better financially before having their first baby. Loans are paid off. PhDs are completed. Savings and retirement funds are all in place. So, for many older mom's they are more financially secure. They have also had more life experiences...done peace corps, traveled to other countries, had adventures and jobs that take you far away. Younger moms who have kids say right out of college tend to have a lot of energy and will be a younger grandma one day, where older moms may not get much time with their grandkids (if at all). I guess I'm an older mom, and I have many friends that are younger moms bc my youngest child is age 3. So, I know a lot of moms that have a 3 year old and a baby. I just view them as nice women who took a different path then I did in life. One of my younger mom friends is working each evening on a graduate degree online. I feel proud of her - how difficult to do this with two young kids! I see younger moms as full of energy and really cute. I see them as full of opinions and passionate in their parenting. I see one younger mom friend as too over protective and permissive of her young son (her first). I imagine with her second child she will learn to let go more and also to be a little more strict (but who knows if this will be true). One younger mom friend was going on vacation for the first time in her life. She finished college, got married, and had 3 girls. The oldest was 4, so they are all very young. She had never booked a ticket online before. I have to say I was AMAZED and it made me realize, holy cow, I have so much more life experience than her. I've traveled all over the world and done so many things before having kids. She has never held a job. But I don't judge her for that - I just find it interesting. She is a totally amazing mom and a wonderful, sweet, smart person. Most of my younger mom friends are struggling financially. They have no money. Their husbands are young and have intro position jobs that don't pay much. They are doing fine though...just scraping by. Kind of like I was in my 20s in grad school. It was still a fun time even though I was always pinching pennies. I guess you just have a totally different life path if you have kids young...maybe when the kids are starting college then you and your husband can save and start traveling or start a degree. I don't know. Anyway, don't be self conscious about how other people view you...tell youself they can go take a flying leap if they are thinking negative thoughts about you. Be proud in your parenting and who you are. And honestly, I think having unscheduled time is GOOD for kids.

I'm an older mom...had my dd at nearly 45 (surprise!)...anyway, I don't think age has as much to do with it as general personality. There are some things I am very adamant about (i.e. education, sunscreen, etc), but many younger moms are more structured than me with their day to day routine.

The way I view other mothers has more to do with their level of maturity, whether or not they follow up on misbehavior and how courteous they are in terms of setting up playdates, RSVP'ing to parties, etc.

It sounds like this particular person just has a difficult personality.

Younger moms older moms - it's all individual. Younger moms may have more energy for lots of daytime activities but older moms can too. Most younger moms I know do a lot during the day. I am 42 and I just don't have that kind of energy anymore.

Structure - well that is individual. I do not provide lots of structure for my kids during the day. I am not s structure person. I don't think or operate like that. We are a fly by the seat of our pants family. Maybe it's bad, maybe it's good - who knows, but we all do our best.

If she is working for someone else she should do what the parent wants her to do. Which could be totally opposite of what she would do.

I think there are parents who are strict, parents who are not, and everything in between. I think there are parents who draw a wide line between Parents and Kids, there are parents who like to get on the floor and wrestle with their kids and be the kids' friend, and everything in between. There are parents who are very naive, parents who are experienced (even before having their own kids), and everything in between.

And I think it has to do with the way the parents were raised, their culture, their extended family and friends, and their personality. And nothing to do with age.

As for your sister, it sounds like she and her employer didn't have a serious conversation about expectations for the summer for the kids before she started. This was a naive mistake for both of them.

I think that is a personality issue more than anything but I do see a lot of differences between moms who waited a long time to have kids and those moms who had kids, well spaced out so that a few were when they were older.

Some, not all, of the older moms have this idea that they have planned the perfect life. They actually think they can plan the perfect child as well. Funny I know but they really do believe it. Thing is though, I have seen the same thing with younger moms here. The book said this, I keep doing this and it isn't working! how do I make this work!

It is like a college degree, you can know all the theory in the world, straight As no less, but if you can't adapt it to practice you fail. Success is knowing when theory doesn't apply in practice and adapting.

What I mean is your sister probably has a better handle on adapting than her boss but I don't think it is age related.

I guess how you would define "older mom" - I had my daughter and then turned 35 a month later. I know a lot of people that had their first kids at 22, so maybe they would be "younger moms".

Personally, I don't judge other moms based on their age or any other factors, nor do I make assumptions about how they parent based on their age. Sounds more to me like this particular mom is just one that expects more structure and rules and it's probably just more her personality and style, I can't be sure being "older" has anything to do with it. I might be considered an "older mom" too, but I don't feel the need to structure and schedule every moment of my daughter's day either. I have a family member who has a daughter the same age as mine and a son 3 years younger, and she's 10 years younger than me - she is probably way more structured with her kids than I am. My daughter will be going into first grade in the fall and while we are keeping up with her reading skills and make sure we do some reading time every day, we are otherwise just enjoying our summer - going swimming and playing with friends and other fun stuff.

I think it really depends on the individual. I do know some young moms who are very relaxed in their parenting and some who run a tight ship. My guess is that some of it depends on the parent, some of it depends on the child and some of it depends on the situation. A working parent does have to ensure that certain things get done even when that parent isn't present.

That said, as someone who has worked with kids for a long time before having my own, one thing that kids need is structure and predictability. I don't know that this has anything to do with a parent's age, necessarily, as much as their personality type. I've worked with/known moms of all ages, some of which had very set routines and rituals for their child's days and some of whom are pretty loosey-goosey and fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants.

I, myself, find that my son (and children I cared for) does much better with a predictable routine sort of day. This doesn't mean rigid time schedules, just that he knows that most days, any math work comes after breakfast or that reading comes before afternoon snack, for example. Thus, he's mentally prepared to transition from play to doing something he isn't motivated to do on his own. (It doesn't mean we don't have any fun, just that those activities are like chores in some ways-- not a spontaneous desire on his part.) If academics are important, then they do need to be scheduled in earlier in the day, before the kids get hot and tired. From my observation, kids without a predictable day do tend to have more outbursts emotionally and may act more stressed--- because they are. Kids LOVE routine and structure. This is about us making boundaries in their world, in their day, to help them and guide them. It makes the world feel like a safe place. I can't say it's an "age of parent" thing-- I was doing this at 22, routine, structure, etc. as a live-in nanny. Either you value it, or you don't.

ETA: I think MyMission hit the nail on the head about the reason for the statement-- I had the same thought myself. It was interesting to read others' responses-- obviously, like many topics, there's no real consensus here other than "it depends on the parent".

NO matter what the issue is YES, people are judging. And they are the type of people you shouldn't worry about. Because lots of other people aren't judging. Having a child in late twenties isn't even all that young. I'm an older mom. I had my kids at 35, 37 and 39, I'm now 43 with three little kids. Do I judge a younger mom when I see one? No. I have no idea if she's a flaky immature person or a mature woman with lots of security in her life. It is absolutely NORMAL to be a young mom and it is absolutely NORMAL to be an older mom. The span of the physical "fertility years" is the normal span of motherhood in my opinion. Do I judge the child-parents I see in our pro-life, low income town that are obviously teenagers with babies and government aid at the check-out line? No. Because it's none of my business but I do say a prayer that they are able to give their kids a good childhood and that they can have happy lives even though they are skipping their own youth in many ways.

***btw we homeschool and advanced classical curriculum with lots of emphasis on academic development....and my kids aren't doing any "academic time" right now in a structure aside from random reading and fun random outings. It's summer!!!

***Also, 36 is not young at all. "Young" may have been polite code for lazy in the other mom's opinion.

Ugh. This is such a rigid generalization which has more to do with the person than the age! Maybe if the mom was raised by a rigid mom, she is passing that on. Maybe she is just a rigid person.

I happen to be an older mom and try to balance structure with free play as I feel free play, "er winging it," is extremely important for a child to develop flexibility, imagination and creativity, lost arts in school curricula these days.

I can tell you that I am surrounded by younger moms who are definitely more rigid than me but again, that has to do with their personalities vs. their age. It's all relative and I would never discount them as "lesser" moms because of their age. We are all moms and can learn from each other.

Just because one "older mom" may think older moms are structured and younger moms less so, doesn't mean it's true across the board or that any other moms, older or younger, see it that way. It sounds like it's just what this particular mom thinks. I understand being sensitive about how others view you, but please don't let it cloud how you view others.

This mom must think her children need structure. Perhaps they do. Or perhaps it's the mom who is uncomfortable with less structure. Who knows. Your sister just needs to figure out if that works for her jobwise.

I don't think as many moms are viewing you a certain way as you might think. We all have our beliefs and our doubts about how we do things. I'm not sure age as anything to do with it. I can honestly say I don't view younger moms any differently from older moms.

I'm a "older mom," FWIW.

Ironically I've loosened up with my kids as I've gotten older. I was a younger mom. I think if I had a baby today (at 43) I would be as attachment-parenting, granola, co-sleeping, unschooling as a mom can get. :)

If anything my advice to young moms is to lighten up and just enjoy your kids more. The days go slowly sometimes but the years go fast.

This has everything to do with personality and nothing to do with age. This mom is a type-A personality. She wants it the way she wants it and doesn't like the way your sister is doing it. That's bad communication on her part. I've met both younger and older moms who are scheduled within an inch of their (their kids?) lives. I've also met both younger and older moms who are fly by the seat of their pants kinds of gals.

I think you are putting the women in these categories. I know very structured moms who had children at age 21 (these women happen to be mature and raised in an environment that is very religious with strong family values).

I think I was raised to enjoy my youth (I made mistakes and had a little too much fun), go to college and become independent. I got married in my late 20's (I bumped up the wedding because I was pregnant).

Anyway, I feel older and sometime find out I am the same age as some moms who act younger. I recall being 29 and a co-worker who was close to 40 acted so much younger than me. We just had different personalities therefore different parenting styles. She is very fun and life of the party. I am more uptight and careful.

Maybe the woman did not want to use a more correct term and knows the term 'young' is not as offensive (most women love being thought of as young). She may have been trying to be overly nice by excusing her need for order and structure. Your sister is not young if she is 36. This is a full grown 'no more excuses' adult. Your sister might have a different personality type from this woman that has nothing to do with age.

Sure you will find stereo types. Some will judge single moms as irresponsible and others will view them as hard working. Some will judge women who did not go to college as irresponsible, some will judge women who waited until she had to use ivi or some other method. some will judge if you have only one child and other could frown on you if you have more. My point is not all people with the same birthdate will have the same opinion.

edit: I just re-read and noticed your sister is a teacher. If I was able to hire a teacher to watch my kids I would defiantly want to take advantage of her skills. My Summer is pretty relaxed with a few structured activities and 2 weeks of fun camp and a lot of reading and helping my son with handwriting. The mom may want her to use her teaching skills.

I'm a way older mom, 60 to my guy's 4 years. Age has nothing to do with parenting, though I often feel "younger" moms feel they know it all in respect to me, that my ways are out of date or even stupid. I don't go there or hold it against them.

As far as your sister's employer "explaining that perhaps the reason that my sister didn't feel the need to structure the children's summer days was that she is a young mom and the other is an older mom," I don't see it as insulting or agree with the assumption she meant that, "older moms go the extra mile to run a tight ship while young moms are like, "whatever!" I see it as a rather crude phrasing in an effort to communicate her frustration, which she obviously was, and convey how important it is to her. Being an employer you have expectations of your employees, perhaps she was frustrated she hadn't communicated her expectations when she considered hiring your sister and was upset with herself for creating the situation in the first place. I've been known to do the same and it's humbling and frustrating.

Bottom line, her employer is no more perfect than the next guy, but is the employer here. If your sister likes her job she basically needs to determine her job expectations and fulfill them, why get bogged down in the gunk? If she feels the employer is insulting she can bring it up, and face possible termination and/or not receive a good recommendation, or be the better person in this situation, do her job and realize everyone has and is entitled to their opinion. It doesn't make them "right," young or old. And if she doesn't like her job or the situation she can quit, though I didn't get the impression of this.

Don't let what you perceive others think to determine your credibility as a mom, ever. Because like you said, it really doesn't matter because we are all doing the best we can, regardless of anyone's opinion. Sadly, some of the people who think so highly of themselves and less of others are some of the most incapable, naive and ineffective parents on earth.

I'm an "older" mom and by no means run a "tight ship". So I guess I would fit in better with the younger moms. A long time ago I decided not to stereo type people. Everyone has their own personality and their own way of doing things. My kids have ZERO "academic time" during the summer. I mean, it's supposed to be a break from school for crying out loud. I guess my opinion is that your sister is in a hired position so she is to do the job she was hired to do. I would put all the assumptions of "younger moms vs. older moms" aside and do the job. To directly answer your question, I do NOT view younger moms as less capable, naïve, effective or anything else. There are plenty of "older moms" who fall into that category. So I try to just take people as they are, we are not all the same because of our age. JMO. Good luck.

I find that older moms tend to be more structured and activities have to 'add value' to their children's lives. I think it's because they feel pressured to make sure they have prepared their children for life on their own since they will most likely be in their children's lives for a shorter amount of time.

Say you live to age 75 and you have your last child at 30. Your last child will be 45 when you die. Now say you have your last child at 45 so your child will be 30 when you die. Big difference leaving an older mom under a lot of pressure to make sure that child has all the tools needed for life on his/her own.

I was 36 when we had our son.
I never saw a need for academic time during the summer.
(What exactly is meant by 'academic time' anyway?)
Our son loves to read all the time.
In the summers we sent him to day camp and he'd be going on field trips, doing crafts, swimming, playing miniature golf, playing dodge ball, visiting the library, etc.
I don't think a need for a tight ship comes from being an older mom so much as it is just that mom your sister is working for.

A "Nanny" is not a baby sitter nor a housekeeper. A true Nanny is well educated and aware of child development. She co-parents the children using her knowledge and the parent's desires. She structures the child's day, feeds them nutritious meals and plans their days. A true Nanny also is paid a higher compensation for her professionalism. This mother probably assumed your sister being a teacher would be able to function in a professional way. I owned and operated a Nanny agency for 15 years and still do consulting. I found that professional women have plans for their children but rely heavily on a professional nanny to enhance their goals for their children. There has been a great deal of confusion on defining a nanny. I closed my business in 2007 because new parents did not want to pay the higher salaries for professional nannies nor the fee for my services which included a specific search to find a nanny to fit their requirements and total background screening including criminal background and driving records. It was sad for me to accept as the majority of my nannies stayed up to 10 years with families because they were well matched. Age does have something to do with it because most older moms hiring a nanny hold high level position, have a higher degree of education and experience. I married at 19 and raised three biological children with no help. In my late 40's I found myself parenting again for my grandson after my daughter's death. I definitely was a different type of parent because of what I had learned through advancing my education and life experiences. I found younger moms to be less accepting of us as older parents, assuming we should take the role of grandparent, not parent.

So this older mom who knows it all is working all day and not with her kids... Really? She knows it all and runs a tight ship? Ha! Actually she wants to control her children and your sister from the office.
If she wants your sister to teach, she should be specific about what she wants covered and she had best be prepared to pay through the nose for it.
This older mom thought that by hiring a teacher to nanny that she would get child care services as well as tutoring services and her kids would spend the summer learning. If that is the case, she should have stated that when she hired your sister.
It's the summer. A little reading, little math, a little library time, some activities, and some down time are all that is necessary. They aren't college students.

I think there are some generalizations you can make but being more laid back or more structured is not one of them. It is all based on the moms personality, her work situation, how many kids she has, ect. In my own experience, I think educational level of the parent and socio-economic status play more of a role. "Older moms" are more vigilant and take take things more seriously. "Younger Moms" tend to be less educated but there is no way to predict who will be a "good mom". It's whatever works for the family.

I think that this might be a case of her just wanting the nanny to do things the way that she imagines she would do it. It's not likely that the ship would be run that tightly if the mother were doing it alone. Because she is paying someone to do only that, she believes that it should be perfect, according to how she has imagined it. This is her way of getting it done right without actually doing it. It's kinda like ordering in and then criticizing how the food is cooked. You've paid for them to cook it exactly how you want it, right? Well, at least in your mind.

Regarding her choice of words, I think that she was clumsily and cleverly trying to phrase that. She was trying to justify the discrepancy in her own head and stumbled onto this particular articulation. I think that your friend should ask her for a schedule. If she wants something specific, then she needs to ask for it. Specifically. Your friend should initiate this.

No...my friends who are "older moms" (ie had their babies in their early 40s) envy the energy of younger moms. Period. What they lack in energy, they make up for with managerial skills and financial resources (ie hire a young nanny/babysitter to run around with the kids, while they recharge.) No need to be self-conscious. Different people bring different perspectives. Introvert v. extrovert. Older v. younger. Male v. female. Let's all be less judgmental and more supportive of the benefits our varying perspectives bring.

She lacks communication skills. She did not communicate her expectations to your sister from the beginning. That's her fault. I also have a feeling this mom has never allowed her family to wing it. That will only serve to hurt her children. They will not be flexible, resourceful, or clever as they grow up. To her, it seems, being "unstructured" means being inexperienced. Whatever, who cares. She's the employer. Unfortunately, your sister just has to deal with it.

As far as my experience, I have really seen this. I am 30. I am usually the youngest mom at the playground or wherever we are. There are women 15-20 years older then me, with children the same age as mine!! Yes, they have treated me like this. What I find funny, is they have been a parent no longer then I have. They are usually the worst helicopter parents ever, and don't afford their children to play without their interference. (This is just my experience, I'm not making sweeping generalizations.) I'm NOT a perfect mother. Far from it. However, I think their parenting is not a choice I would ever make. I certainly don't publicly make that known to them, but they don't extend the same respect to others.

I think it all depends on the individual... Honestly, some over think parenting.... and OVER structure their kid's day.... I had my son when I was 37. Therefore, I guess I am considered an older mom :) That said, I don't think it's my age that makes me a better mom or not... but rather my life experience.. I have learned early on and am still learning... :):) that you can't sweat the small stuff and must choose your battles....

I do think there is something to be said about experience, but I also tend to think experience or not, it's also about the individual... Our babysitter was in her early 20s when she watched our son and WOW!!! she did a great job... what do I mean by that.. she LOVED our son so much and it showed... Does he remember going to the park with her, sure... somewhat.. but know what he most remembers... HER KINDNESS...

at a young age, kids just want love and acceptance.. I do believe in academics in that my son who is now 11 goes to three hours of Summer School (for which he loves) and has two academic classes and a third Chess... However, the rest of the day is spent doing whatever...

So to answer your question... YES.. I think younger moms are quite capable... but so are some older.. It really depends upon the person.. I've been on field trips with my son's class and been with younger moms/dads who aren't very active with the kids and I have been the one chasing the kids down trying to get them across the streets safely while the other parents texts and talk on their cellphones.. However, again, it's about the individual.. Have also known more experienced moms whom despite having had many kids really don't parent too well..

There's a saying in my 12 step program.... "what others think of me is none of my business"..
Try and not worry how other moms view you... The result of your good parenting (or not) will result in your child... Are they well adjusted , compassionate, well mannered and can think for themselves? if so, then I'd say that is probably a result of good parenting...

Consider this. in the same way a younger mom might wonder what an older mom thinks about them... I can tell you as an older mom... I have had moments when I too have wondered what a younger mom thought of me...

Lastly, long before play dates, birthing classes..... "mapped time" little Einstein Programs and all this other hoopla about how to raise a child came out.. parents were raising kids.... Try and not let other people's opinions matter too much... You are probably doing just fine..

Great answers from all the moms out there!
As an older mom, I really would take this employer to task for not delineating at the very beginning exactly what she wanted from her nanny. Why did she have to have a "sit- down" about the need for more structure and academics? Why wasn't this taken care of at the beginning? Also, what does she mean by academics? This could mean many things. I agree with the mom who noted that this woman seems to want it all-a nanny and a tutor. As a teacher who tutors, these positions are not the same, and a tutor is paid a lot more than a nanny(which is sad since a nanny's job is so important and all-consuming). I also think this is a personality issue and not an age issue-this employer has probably always had "sit-downs" with people her entire life.
Finally, I think this woman has always had trouble holding onto nannies-who would want to work for someone like that? I would be so grateful for a competent nanny who was dependable and cared about my kids.

I haven't read any other responses so I have no idea what anyone else thinks.

Being a grandmother who is raising my grandchild, I often interact with younger moms. I think the difference is that older moms believed in schedules. We got our babies on a schedule VERY early on and we lived by a schedule. Kids didn't tantrum as much and they were more cooperative because they ALWAYS knew what to expect.

Today's younger moms don't really seem that interested in scheduled, structured days. I think that's what the mom was saying.

Sounds like both you and your sister are very sensitive with regard to your age and motherhood. You'll both be better off if you don't take things so personally. I think the mother was speaking in generalities more than specifically about your sister.

Nicolette,

I don't think I can generalize how older moms view younger moms but your sister's situation reminds me of what I feel happens with moms all the time - sensitivity to decisions or defensiveness (for any reason) seems to bring out the worst in many of us. It often feels to me that moms who feel uncertain of their own situation try to pass judgement on that of others. Whether it is working mothers vs. stay-at-home, older vs. younger, moms with different disciplinary styles, etc. Rather than support each other (as you say - we are all doing the best we can) - it saddens me to see how often we tear each other down.

I had my kids in my late twenties (as you did) but they are now in their teens / twenties so I am a different kind of "older mom". I never got the particular vibe you have but those may have been a bit different times. Once in awhile I will hear that I am too young to have such "old" kids (as some peers are dealing with middle school and I am watching mine graduate from high school and college) but I have not felt it to be a judgement.

As far as running a tight ship, I don't think there is an age correlation at all. I think it's just differences in personality and style. We have a close community at my kids' school, and I see all types of parenting styles regardless of the moms' ages. Some are complete helicopter moms, hovering over their kids at every step, and others are letting their kids run wild in the parking lot while they sit and gab.

My own style has evolved over the years. I had my first at 26. I look back and remember how anal I was about everything to do with her. Her feeding/sleeping schedule, her routines. When my mom was babysitting, I would leave her these long notes about her schedule...Hah! 11+ years later, I am 37 years old with three kids. We're in the middle of summer, and have yet to pick up a work book. We have a very loose schedule during the summer, and I'm fine with it! When my mom babysits now, I just let her know what we have in the fridge for lunch and I'm out the door!

I agree with all the posters that say it's personality, not age at play here, no matter what the older mom says. I'm an older mom (46 and I've got an 11 yr old and an 8 yr old) and I can tell you short of having swim lessons in the morning (because they are cheap) and a couple of day camps, my kids are having probably the most UNSTRUCTURED summer ever! The only academics I get them to do is read, and they have the incentives from the library summer reading program, plus for every 1000 minutes they read above that I give them something worth $25 (they can bank it until they hit 2000 minutes for a $50 item). Bribery? Yes, but easier on me and my "loose ship" way of life!