Young Love & Heart Break

You can't do anything, momma. Terrible heart break is part of life. I went through a BRUTAL break up at age 26 after a 7 year relationship.....I swear I was shattered for a couple of years :( There was nothing anyone else could have done to help me work it out of my system. Just be kind to her and remind her that someone worthy of her will come along. She's so young! It's not obvious now, but losing this guy will be for the best. Just be comforting, and she'll get through it on her own.

Tell her to be VERY grateful that SHE is not the one knocked up.

Then, hug her...give her tissues...and be there for her WITHOUT fail.

JUST B E THERE for her.

**just my 2 cents**

Words can't change how she feels or what she is going through. Your comfort through small acts, little notes of encouragement, surprising "lift me ups" to let her know she is loved and valued, that will help. And time. She is young and will definitely rebound and be better from this.

She's not going to see it for quite awhile but - she dodged a bullet.
It's far better to break up with someone now than after marriage and kids.
She'll be hurt, full of self doubt and more cautious (hopefully) in future relationships - but she's young and has plenty of time to find Mr Right.
She'll be sad - but she needs to get mad at this guy and accept there's nothing wrong with her - it's this guy who couldn't commit and keep it in his pants.
In a lot of cases guys are not ready to settle down to family life until their early 30's (although there are exceptions).
Your daughter might want to look for a guy that's a little older than she is when she's ready to start dating again.

First of all, don't undermine her dad and stepmom. They were right...dude is a d-bag. You don't have to say, "They told you so," but don't undermine them.

I'd simply say, "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry this happened. I love you so much and I'm sad to know that you are hurting. Sometimes when we really want a relationship to happen, we ignore the warning signs that the person isn't good for us. It hurts right now, but it will help you to know how to choose better one day."

You don't have to fix it. She's grown and has to learn from her choices...especially the ones that have negative consequences.

There is nothing you can say, this is just one of life's lessons, and it always hurts when a relationships ends. She does have plenty of time to find mr right, but she is not ready to hear that right now. Just listen and let her vent.

it may be tempting (and you're probably getting suggestions) to point out to her how lucky she is to have dodged that bullet. that at least she's not the one knocked up. that this is a Good Thing. that he wasn't worth her time. that she'll get over it. that someone better will come along.
i strongly suggest that you resist the temptation.
it's all true, of course. and it's perfectly natural for you to want desperately to stop her pain and fix it for her.
but you can't. and trying to make her feel better by counting her blessings will not make her feel one little bit better. down the road she'll be able to join you in hailing the powers that be that this loser showed his true colors before she was in truly deep kimchi. but for now, she's hurting so badly, and is not in a place to hear about how lucky she is.
so don't think that showing her the sunny side will cheer her up. don't expect much of anything to cheer her up. she's got to go through the heartache and come out on the other side as best she can. and it's so hard- young hearts feel so very deeply. the agony and the ecstasy.
just be there. listen to her. be a bottomless vessel into which she can pour out her pain. don't try to fix it. don't offer her advice. just love her.
khairete
S.

The best thing you can do is listen. Her heart is broken, you can't fix it. What will make it worse is if people (like her father) say "I told you he was no good" or "You're better off." That actually just undermines her more because it tells her she wasn't smart enough to see the flaws. That self-doubt stays with a person. She has to go through those stages of grief that happen when someone dies - she has to feel the pain of the death of this relationship, the death of the hopes she had. She'll go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Your job is to help her and support her through each step, no matter which one she is in. Right now, she's in denial ("how can this be? Why is this happening?). She's not ready for acceptance yet - so don't even talk to her too much about finding someone new. She's not ready for that. She can't control what someone else does - she can only deal with her own reactions. So you boost her with her many abilities, say you have confidence that she will work through this, feel her pain, and encourage HER to feel her own pain until she's able to let it go. As a mom, you spend many years putting a bandaid on her wounds and kissing them to make them feel better - but those were childhood hurts that didn't last long. This is a full-fledged, grown-up, massive heartache - and it takes time. All she can do is take pride in her own positive role in the relationship, be glad she is the sort of person who wouldn't cheat, and learn from it. It's doubtful that she will let someone hurt her this way again - she'll be better at this relationship stuff as she goes forward.

Don't look for answers - there aren't any. There's just time to heal. Support her in each stage - soon she will be so angry ("How dare he….???") then she'll move to bargaining ("Maybe if I do X, he'll change…."), then she may go through a depression ("I'll never find anyone", "I'm not worthy…"), and then she will move into acceptance. This may take months, it may take years. If she really needs someone to talk to, do encourage her to get some short-term counseling to sort things out.

Your daughter has a broken heart. It doesn't matter who he is or that it was not the right relationship for her. She has a broken heart. I'm sure you've had your heart broken before. Most of us have at least once if not several times. What I needed more than anything else during those times was a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen, no matter how annoying I got :-)

If you can't be with her in person, make sure you give her your undivided attention when she calls.

She'll get passed this. We all do. Just give her time.

I think the only part of this that matters is that her heart is broken and she needs some comfort. You can't fix it. When the initial hurt fades, if she keeps chasing unavailable men or the wrong kinds of men, you should challenge her to think if she has a pattern in her dating. When I was a little younger than her someone told me to stop dating boys and I really thought about that when choosing my next boyfriend. If she has self-esteem issues or cannot shake the heartbreak, she should find someone to talk to. A therapist. To work through why she keeps picking this kind of guy or feels poorly about herself. There's no one-shot answer. She has to figure it out on her own.

That is a bright side, as Loving M. pointed out - someone else is having his kid and she's not finding out he had a side chick when SHE was 2 months pregnant.

Here are some things that may put it in perspective, but only time will make her feel better.

She could be the one knocked up with this losers kid. Yikes! Then she'd be stuck with him in some capacity for a very long time, and her life would be dramatically altered, probably not for the better. She must be taking the proper precautions since the ex clearly is not concerned about this. Taking this charge of her life should be acknowledged. She should feel empowered.

Make sure she knows that it is not her fault he is a cheater, no matter what role she played in this relationship. It is HIS own short comings that made him make the DECISION he did. If he was a man of character, integrity, and self respect, he would have ended the relationship with her respectfully THEN pursued another relationship. He made this choice, and it had nothing to do with her.

Can you think of a personal situation or someone you know where love was painfully lost, only to find someone more suited down the road? Sometimes an example like this may help.

Can you afford to go out and see her and stay with her for a few weeks? Go out and do some fun stuff together?

Life goes on, mama. She will have to understand that. Perhaps a few sessions with a counselor would help her.

Sounds like she really did dodge a bullet. But it's hard to see the forest for the trees at this early stage in her grief...

Oh young love! I think you should count your daughter lucky. She could have called and said "Mom, I'm 2 months pregnant and I found out Billy has another girlfriend. What do I do". THAT phone call would have been life changing.

Be there when she calls, send her cards of encouragement and love, send her flowers. Let her know you are thinking of her. If you can, go visit for a long weekend during Memorial weekend. Just let her know you love her.

She will realize in time that she was the lucky one.

She will realize in time that this was a good thing. It's much harder to be in the other girl's shoes where she is pregnant and likely knows about your daughter now. This guy is a total slug.

Just be there for her. Support her in her choices and love her. Have nothing but an open ear for her - don't judge.

You may be able to fly for fairly cheap from LA to VA. WE flew as a family of 5 for under $900 from BWI to New Orleans a few years ago...so check flights out. I'm sure she would love a visit!!

Life sucks sometimes but you learn from the hard times. Clearly if he got someone else pregnant he was not a great catch. I would just keep telling her that although she is hurting now, when some time goes by it will get easier and she will be happy she isn't with him. The right one will come along and make it better and she'll forget all about this bozo. Good luck.

Or tell her men are like buses, another will be by in 15 minutes. lol

Nothing we can say as moms can really help heal our children's broken hearts from a first love ending. However we can not make it worse by saying things like "you'll get over it", "he's not worth it", "he was a loser" etc.
The best thing to do is to listen and possibly tell her to take things one day at a time. To just get through today. As time passes her heart will heal but don't say those words just listen & tell her to concentrate on 24 hrs at a time.
Let her cry etc.

This happens to almost all of us in our 20s...a big huge heartbreak. Advise her to spend time with her best girlfriends. Vent to them. Get outside in the sunshine each day. Treat herself to something she enjoys. It's rough but it's her time to cry, wallow, then heal and get through this. There is not much you can do. Remind her what an amazing person she is and that this guy was not good enough for her. He does not deserve her. With time she will feel better again.

I remember what it was like to have that first big heartbreak in my 20's. I was simple devastated and broken down and broken apart. My mother couldn't comfort me much. Eventually I had to seek professional counseling because two years later I was still in the deepest of depressions and couldn't even bring myself to the top of the bottom of my sorrow. Worse feeling ever. Counseling helped where family, friends and reason failed.

She needs time to grieve her loss. She needs time to deal with her sorrow. Grief is a process. Her comments are very telling of where she is in her confidence and thoughts of herself and the expectations she has for relationships.

A few things could help, getting a hobby, volunteering, a regular fitness routine, eating healthy foods, along with counseling. When I began to think I deserved better, I started to draw a better quality man to me. When I began to believe that I get to choose, I began to make better choices about what gets to spend time with all of the wonderfulness that is me.

It took a long time but I'm now married to exactly what I expected in a husband. I have a marvelous relationship with a real person who has faults I can live with and someone who can live with all my faults as well. It was well worth the wait and I turned away plenty of contenders who for one reason or another wasn't going to be a good match for me. In the between time I had a rich and full life without a boyfriend or a man in it that all serves to make this so much more than I ever imagined.

Your daughter can have this too if she is willing to stop feeling sorry for herself, learn valuable lessons about what she truly wants in the character of the man she can commit to and move forward.

Everyone here is right your daughter dodged a bullet by not being the one tied to this looser for life through the birth of a child. Show her your love and speak life into her.

his name was kevin and, even though i've been happily married to the right man for 18 years, i still think of him and wish him well and remember how devestating our break up was when i was 22. i will always love him and hope the best for him but spending the rest of our lives together would have been a huge mistake for us both. i can say that in retrospect now but while going through it it felt like a death. allow her to mourn, allow her to feel her feelings when she has them and just be sure she knows you are an ear and a shoulder without judgement whenever she needs it. as parents, we're never happier than our saddests kids. it will get better.