Young Adult Children Live on Their Own - Rules for My House?

No matter where my kids go, no matter where they live on this planet. My home is their home. I could not imagine them every feeling as if this isn't their home too.

For me to see it any other way would mean that they are a guest, and I am not waiting on my kids the same way I would wait on a guest. That includes their close friends who found my house to be their second home.

Even now no one knocks before entering, well strangers do, but everyone else just comes on in. If something is going on that shouldn't be seen we lock the doors, even that is rare, so no one beside me and the hubby have keys.

Borrowing things; so long as it isn't being removed from the house I wouldn't care. Now if they are going to remove it that would be different and that's mainly so I wouldn't tear the house down looking for it.

Honestly, if it bothers you then say something or live with it.

I think suggesting they ask before using something when there's a reason it may cause a problem is ok. Just cheerfully say "hey! Ask before you use that bc I was going to..." But I'm with some others that my parents never ever expected me to knock first or call etc. They were always happy to have me come home. And at 20, that was still my home even though I lived away at college. I plan to do the same with my kids. I think the way my parents were is a lot of the reason we're close now and i'm dedicated to their care as they age.

I always had a key to my family home...the one I grew up in...

I don't think I ever went by and just let myself in if my parent's were not at home unless I told them I was running by for something.

Would I just drop by unannounced?...yes, all the time and my mom would drop everything and mix up some iced tea and pull out the cookies. We would sit and talk or hang out and watch tv or maybe if she was running errands I might tag along. Did I bring friends with me...yes, I did but would call first to give my mom and heads up that I was bringing company. She still served snacks and drinks all around.

My parents always welcomed me and greeted me with open arms...stay for dinner, stay for the movie we are going to watch...they really enjoyed that I wanted to be there with them.

My home was always home...

Hey kiddos - love ya, but I forgot one lesson in the whole "child rearing" thing. Gotta call before you come over. Now that dad and I have the house - well, just call before you come over. Make sure we're..ummmm....home. Yeah, that's it. Home.

Carry on.

Ummmm. I'm 41. 7 years ago (when I was 34 and my daughter was 4) I MOVED MYSELF AND MY DAUGHTER IN WITH MY MOTHER without letting her know in advance. It wasn't your typical situation. Leaving the state wasn't something that my ex and I had discussed until he got the final child support amount and then he offered a deal the night before we went to our hearing. I went before the judge on Friday, the changes were approved, my divorce was final and on the way home from the courthouse I stopped by UHaul and rented a truck. I loaded on Saturday, drove on Sunday. Rented a storage unit Sunday afternoon and spent the night at my mom's Sunday night.

My mom happened to be at a conference in Italy. So I couldn't really talk to her about it. Since it wasn't something that had been on the table until Thursday night around midnight I couldn't really even have hypothetical conversations about it with anyone.

I did call my mom at her hotel in Italy after we arrived. She said "Well, crud!!!!! I didn't go to the store before I left, so there's not enough to eat. There's money in my underwear drawer. Order yourself some pizza. I'll be home next weekend and we'll figure it out".

I didn't know how long I would be there. I stayed 3 years. Because that is what was best for my daughter.

Because that will always be my home.
And my home will always be my daughter's.

My mom's home is the place where strays are welcome for Holidays. Sometimes there are just 4 of us and sometimes there are 30. She used to post notes on our dorm message centers that anyone without a place to go was welcome to come home with us. I could show up with classmates for dinner on a random Wednesday and she would find more food. Once, a classmate of my brother's showed up during dinner because he'd had a fight with his parents. My mom had cooked hamburgers, and only cooked 4, but we hadn't really started eating yet, we had just sat down. In the time it took for us to overhear what Eric was saying to my brother my mom had slid her hamburger onto another plate, filled it with potato salad and invited him to dinner. He stayed the weekend.

THAT'S my mother's home.

I'm 29, and I moved out when I was 18. I still consider my parents' houses (they are divorced now) my own. I don't knock when I go over, I help myself to food, etc. It has never bothered them. In fact, how weird would it be if I knocked? That seems so... formal. They're my parents. My husband is the same way with his parents' house.

To each his own, but I hope that my kids feel, even after they move out, that my home is their home. Thinking about it now, I think a home like that is pretty full of love. I'm not sure why that would bother you, but if it truly does, then explain it to your kids the way you've explained it here. I think it WILL make them feel unwelcome though. I would if my Mom said that to me.

My home will ALWAYS be my children's home. Maybe it's rubbing you wrong because you are a blended family.
I have 4 younger brothers. All of us are out on our own. I have 3 kids, another brother has two kids, and everyone else is married or engaged. We stop by the house ALL THE TIME without calling. If they are not there we play with their dog, watch a bit of TV and wait for them to hopefully get home. I remember one of my brothers going over there for toilet paper because he liked the one they bought. While they rolled their eyes at his laziness they just started buying an extra package of the TP he likes and giving it to him.
In my family there are no rules for visiting our home. But, you sound like this home is YOURS and not theirs. Therein lies the problem, IMHO.
L.

As long as they don't walk in during sex I don't care. :p

Seriously though, I never made rules. I suppose it was how I raised them, who knows. They always call before they come over, okay maybe that is so they don't have to walk in on sex, who knows. They always ask if they can use something, they have been known to beg for food if they misjudged the spending power of their last paycheck.

Really they have done nothing to make me feel like I need rules.

Have you tried saying please call before you come over I would hate for you to walk in on sex?

Can you tell what happened to me when I was eighteen?

Why does it matter if you are blended family? My husband is their step dad it doesn't change that that will always be their home. I just hope this isn't an issue of I am making it less their house and more the new mans home. That is just a recipe for disaster.

You may want to ask yourself do you have a problem with this or is it your husband. If it is your husband you have more serious issues than knocking.

Interesting to see your post and maybe I can share some perspective as a child of parents who share your same views. When I moved out at 17, my parents confiscated my house key and changed the alarm system code.

Although I'd lived there my whole life, it was no longer to be considered my home. Or my home away from home. I moved home briefly in my early 20s, was issued a key and again, when I moved out, the key was confiscated and alarm code changed. Now mind you, I've never stolen a thing or been irresponsible in regards to their house or their possessions in any way, shape or form. But this has NEVER set well with me and frankly seemed heartless.

On the other hand, I married a man who's parents have never asked for their key back, who gave me an additional key for my own key ring and have a completely open door policy. Of course we have common sense and respect and have never just barged in on them. However, knowing them, this wouldn't be an issue, either.

My husband and I have one daughter. Barring any major future screw ups or issues I can't forsee at this point, she will always have a key, she will always have a home, she will always be welcome. Any time, day or night. Because I would never want my child to feel the way that my parents made me feel: untrustworthy.

So, if it were me, I would have a casual conversation with your grown children and ask for the simple courtesy of a call before they come over (if you insist) and of course, asking first before borrowing anything from the house. Seems simple enough to me. Good luck! :)

I think it would be weird to have those rules that you are wanting. We can show up to my MIL's house anytime any day. We don't have to ask or even call. BUT we usually call first because she works grave shift and we don't want to go there and wake her up if she is sleeping. So, we do it to be considerate, not because we have to. When my kids are grown, there is no way I'd make them call first or have any rules like that. Yeah, it's mine and my husband's home, but it was also their home and they have built memories there and I would hope they would be comfortable enough to just come over anytime. I would most likely even give them a key and they can let themselves in! no need to even knock.
These are your kids, they need to feel comfortable and welcome at their parent's house.

Just tell them, "You are welcome to use anything I have, but I would appreciate being asked instead of notified. I love having you come visit, but I would appreciate a call first just in case your dad and I are knocking boots."

I have a key to my parents' house, which my grandfather built (literally - he was a carpenter) and in which I lived from the time I was ten until I got married and moved out at nineteen, and the code to their alarm system, and I don't show up unannounced.

Wow, maybe I should call my mom and ask if I have been irritating her for the last 15 years... LOL
I just never would have thought of this as an issue b/c at that age I did still see their home as my home even though I technically did not live there anymore. I certainly can see where you are coming from, but I would just gently warn you that if you bring all this up they probably won't feel very welcome anymore. Just tread lightly and maybe pick your biggest pet-peeve and deal with that one first to test the waters.

Conveniently lose your house keys and change the locks. Then they will have to call you before they come over and not just pop in whenever they want. I would HATE that. I get that its still their *home* but there has to be boundaries. Once the locks are changed and they figure it out and ask for their own key, just say, you know, I kind of like that you can't just come and go any more and now that you are older, I think you can come over when we are home so we can visit with you. I would say something and leave it at that. Good luck!

It was only when I bought my first home that I looked at my parents home as not mine too. I still have a key though and can go when I feel like it. They've never made me feel unwelcome. I think if you tell your kids, especially at 20 and 23 that it's not their home, you'll be pushing them away. That's just my view on how it would have been for me and my parents.

I don't knock, I am free to open the refrigerator or sweep the floor...it's still "home" in that I feel very comfortable there. I am respectful still, but if my parents put rules on me coming over, I know I would back off.

They still need to have RESPECT, for their parents and their home.
What if... YOU or your Husband have plans? Or guests? Or just want to be alone?
Your kids need to ask first, per scheduling or visits.
I am sure, they would not want YOU... to just pop up on THEIR doorstep, unannounced either. Right? Nor would they want YOU to use their things in their home either, right?
So.

Just TELL them.
AND if they are bringing friends along, well you are not a "hotel."
THEY need to ask you first, if it is okay.
It is just rude, to assume they can just come over anytime with whomever, and do whatever in your home.
TELL them that.

SURE they are welcomed, but it is COMMON sense, that common decency and manners and respect, is practiced.
They are ADULTS... thus they should have manners, in place and respect.

That is how I would handle it.

Even when I lived in my parents' home I never invited anyone over without their permission first. I never informed them I was going to use their belongings. Yes, there were some privileges I had such using the laundry room, the dishwasher, and eating their food, but I also earned my keep because I lived there.

So. Talk to your children. Let them know that you would prefer it if they give you a quick phone call before they drop by to make sure that someone is home first. Let them know that you would prefer if they ask permission for _____ before they do it. Let them know that you would prefer if they give you the courtesy of asking permission to bring a guest into your home so that you have the option of declining on the off chance that you're not up to company, the house isn't in good shape, you're not feeling well, you're walking around naked today, whatever.

Yes, as a parent your home is always open and you always want them to feel welcome, but you're right to want to establish boundaries. Go ahead. A gentle but firm conversation should be fine, and maybe a simple, "Well, what if I ____ such as you did? How would you feel?" will get the point across.

"Well, Paisleigh, suppose I decided I felt like a bite and a drink but since I'm low on groceries I just hop in the car, pick up Aunt Gilda and Aunt Rosalie, and raid your fridge and cabinets? And we crash on your couch and watch your movies and go through your personal panties drawer? How would you feel?"

EDIT: For those wondering, since my parents are very similar to the Mom asking the original question, I do still have a house key for their house. I've been on my own for 15 years or so. I've had occasion to need the key and use it, but always made sure to let them know first or used it when I was checking their house during a vacation as a favor. I'm not sure how I'll handle this when my children are adults and out on their own, but chances are high that one of my children will always be living with me due to her special needs.

My kids are all grown and gone. They don't call before they come over if they are hungry thery eat, grandchildren are always hungry, if they need to borrow something they will something like 'can I' -- or 'I need to use this' It's never a problem.

While I don't want bounceback kids, I want them to feel welcome and at home in my home. It is MY home I decorate how I like, even if they don't like it ( when I die they can paint any colors they like) ect.
Their S/O's are just as welcome.

I would not like to be in a position where they feel as though they need to ask or wait to be waited on. You want or need something -- do it yourself.

As far as changing your locks -- well if there was an emergency they wouldn't be able to get in and time may be of an essence.

I think you need to sit down and explain expectations. With my SS, we said if he's going to be home and it is not a week/day we expect him, we need to know before DH goes looking for an intruder or I call the cops. One time SS was home and I found out at 3AM. We talked to him later about why that wasn't a great thing and how that really scared me to hear a noise downstairs when we didn't think he was here. We wanted him to be home vs driving back to campus tired, but he needed to call first. Oh, and one night I was sick and out on the couch at 11:30 PM and he brought friends over. I was really angry that I couldn't just be sick on my own couch without him bringing in an audience. We had to discuss that with him, too. I admit I wasn't too friendly that time. I didn't talk to him in front of them, but I did talk to him later about how I felt. In our case, we had a teenager in the home til this fall and we still have a young child. It is our home, not a pit stop.

If they are using things that you do not want them to use, tell them it's off limits. Tell them that they need to ASK.

My DH tells of a time after he moved out where he couldn't key in (his parents had used a deadbolt he didn't have a key for.) He looked through the mail slot to see his dad's nekkid butt running for another room. He learned a lot about respecting their privacy after that.

I'd sit them down and say, "This will always be a home for you, but we need to redefine what that means because you no longer live here full time. I'm speaking to you both as your mother and as an adult. I need you to (call ahead, ask to bring friends over, not come and go as you please, ask to use my things). You would not want me to wander in and out of your home, I'm sure. This is not a group home or dorm. We do not keep weird hours. We are not a grocery store or quickie mart. This is a family home and I need more respect from you or I need your key. It's not that I don't love you, but you are not teenagers anymore and things need to be changed." You might include things like "if you come in and eat our food often, without asking, you will be asked to contribute/replace the food." It is no fun to go into the fridge and find that DH's lunch is gone because SS came by and got hungry. Our grocery bill is very different when SS is here. We also said that it wasn't that we wouldn't support him, but he's an adult and if he is here often, then all our bills go up and he should contribute, the same as DH and I do. If he lived here past this summer, he was going to be paying rent (not much but enough to pay DD's tuition). He still has a room here, but post-grad we made it clear that things were a changin'.

I would not dream of just showing up in my mom's house and taking anything I wanted and bringing friends over to hang out and eat her food. This is a time of change and a time to redefine the parent/child relationship. It may be bumpy, but I hope you all can come to a better arrangement about this. It may not seem very nice from their POV, but they aren't little kids anymore. Why should they act like it?

If you think that some of them would take the info better from a bioparent, then do it that way and speak as a unit (this is what WE want for OUR home).

Edit to add: I wonder how much is cultural. If you regularly accept drop ins and think nothing of adding a plate to the dinner table, are you more likely to not see the issue this OP faces? In my life in general, I want a call. I do not drop in without a call. My ILs are frail and sometimes they are too sick to see DD even though they love her. Even though they are welcoming. We ask SS for what we give to others ourselves. So maybe it's not heartless or unloving but just wanting to have a little notice so you aren't walking around in a towel (or nothing) in front of strangers that the kids walked in with. SS could call up and say he'll be here in 10, have we eaten yet? and we'd make room for him. But I want the call.

The boundaries are often blurred during stages of transition. What used to be is no longer the norm. Meaning, they no longer are full time, live at home kids with free access to every thing around. Your/their house probably still feels like their home at many levels.

You write very well and have addressed the problem quite clearly in your question above. I say you tell them just what you told us.

Defining the problem, which you did quite nicely, is the first step in finding a solution. So speak up and tell them how their unannounced visits with friends makes you feel ________ (fill in the blank.

Congrats on having the kids move on and out!!

Oh that's tough . . . and I'm honestly not sure how you should handle it. What does your husband think?

It's wonderful that these girls are so confident in your love and acceptance. But I totally get what you're saying - if you wouldn't do it to them then they shouldn't do it to you. On the other hand, since they're not going around doing it to everybody I'm not sure it rises to a level of a problem that needs to be addressed for the good of society (LOL).

I will be watching the answers for this one. I'm the mama of teens.

Good luck.

This is just odd to me. This is their home they grew up in. They most likely still have their own personal belongings somewhere in that house. It's always like this.

They have their own place now but your house is always going to be "home". If you don't want them to come in then I suggest you either downsize to a new home that's just for you and hubby or change the locks and codes on all the doors.

While you're received lots of responses and most likely don't need one more, I felt compelled to write. Once I moved from my parents home (in 1972), my key was confiscated. I was advised to call BEFORE coming over and my parents had to be home in order for me to gain entry.
As to my own children (I have 3), they almost always call BEFORE coming over as a matter of respect and not because I've told them they have to. Occasionally, they drop by unannounced when they're in the neighborhood, which is always ok with us. The two who live in the area have house keys, but have never abused the priviledge. And yes, they knock before walking in the front door so as to announce they're home. It's all a matter of respect, which is how I raised them. We never had to give them the new house rules. None of them would should up to use anything without first calling to make certain it would be alright. I think it's presumptive of anyone to think it's ok to go into your parent's home when you no longer live there and treat it and the belongings of someone else as if they're your own, even if you did grow up in the house. I see most responders feel differently, but to me, it's a matter of respect. I would have a talk with the girls and set out a few basic guidelines for when they visit and expectations for what's ok with you and what's not...just my opinion.

with my mom, i always ask before i invite myself over. i do have a key which i have used maybe once in the last 5 years. i am 34 years old, and go over to her house almost every sunday - and i still ask. and i would not help myself to anything of hers, without asking.

no, i don't think what you are describing is okay. and you sound very sweet and well-meaning: i can't help but wonder if these are your stepkids you're talking about, and you are overcompensating by worrying about if they'll "feel welcome" to the point of being a doormat. i think you should establish rules. it's NOT their house anymore, as you said. they should have some common respect for you. this is not a grown-child-boundaries issue. no child of mine who lived with me could have people over without permission, either. this seems to me, a basic respect issue.

(when you use the phrase "like they have a right", i agree - they seem very entitled to me.)

The only way they are going to lose this kind of familiarity is if you move into a different house that they never have considered "Home". You can try to post some basic rules for them
1) Ask before using, someone else may need it first.
2) Call before coming, it's only polite.
3) Don't invite others before getting permission, (i wouldn't have done this even when I did live at home)
4) (any other rule that is bothering you)
Post it where they can see it and even ask the one still at home to abide these 'house rules'.

Hmm. Something to think about.
My son is in his second year of college, but in another state, so we don't have this issue (yet!)
My husband comes from a family of eight. Most of the kids moved out right out of high school, but they were all in and out on a regular basis, at least the ones who still lived in town, stopping by, seeing if there was anything to eat, friends tagging along, etc. But my in laws were VERY open with their home and family, and they still are, even with grandchildren now coming by! They are Filipino, so I'm sure it's a cultural thing. I know none of the kids ever took advantage or wore out their welcome either, so the respect went both ways.
I think you need to decide what works for YOU and ask your kids to respect that. I'm pretty sure I'll be like my in laws, always an open door, but not if that door starts opening at 2 AM, lol!