Would You Intervene with a Mom You Thought Was Going Too Far?

I totally agree with Karen C's comment. What did you think would be accomplished by calling the police? What are they going to do? Support from another mom would have been a whole lot more effective. I hope you won't call the police on me when you see me having a bad day (which usually entails yelling at the top of my lungs) with my toddler daugher.

If I thought he was going to far, in this situation I don't think it was going to far, every mom disaplines (sp?) differently and I think calling the police was a tad bit extreme

Hi J., I think you did the right thing. If she treats him this way in public, imagine how she treats him in the privacy of her home. It's important for everyone to look out for other children. There was a story on Good Morning America today about a judge who is trying to intervene in these situations by sending the mothers to a parenting class. Most of the mothers are repeating the same parenting skills they grew up with, so they don't know how to handle the situation correctly. Good job! I'm so glad you did something!!

I definately would not have called the police in that situation. If she was seriously beating the child, then ok- call. Who knows what else the boy had done that day to finally make the mom snap and lose her cool..he could have been a monster all day long and she had finally had it. I'm sure we have all been in that type of situation at least once when you can't take it any more. So maybe she was a little more rough on him than any of us would be, but that does not require a call to the cops. If I was that mom, I would have appreciated what the other lady did by coming up to me to see if everything was ok. But who knows, if I was that mad, I may have just yelled at her too! But most likely I would be embaressed and probably break down crying saying how he had been terrible all day and I was just done. That would have given me time to calm down and pull myself together. I can appreciate your concern, but don't see the emergency of the situation to get the authorities involved.

I personally think that you went too far. I think that you could have been more effective by going up to the Mom and asking if there was anything that you could do to help her. Causually mention that you noticed that she was beyond her limits and that she probably didn't mean to take it out on her little boy but that you would like to do something to help, if at all possible. If nothing else, talk with her for a minute so that she could calm down with you as opposed to staying in the "moment" with the child.

Let's face it. We all have our limits and sometimes we just need someone to come up and say "hey, can I help you", during those times.

Calling the Police on something like this is VERY serious and that if it's going to be done that it's because in your heart of hearts, you believe it was warranted and there is nothing else that you could have done.

I would not have called the police. I may have asked her if she needed some help. I know that at times parents loose their cool with their kids. Especially when you have had it up to your eyeballs in terrible 2's. Anyway, if the kid was not yelling that she was hurting him, then I would have let her discipline her child how she feels best. I don't always agree with how parents discipline, but that is their choice, not mine. If I saw her beating her kid or if the kids was screaming that she was hurting him, and she didn't stop, then I might have called the police. I think that you meant well, but that was not that serious of a situation to get the police tied up in.

I think you went too far. What did you hope to accomplish by calling the police? She obviously needed help, not judgement or more trouble. Sounds like the other mom had the right idea and sincerely wanted to help, not just "do" something. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think if more people tried to help people with kids instead of judging and so forth then we would all be better off.

I think you went to far and over reacted. When you seen the boy on his knees in the parking lot did you see how he got there? When my daughter was about that age and I would be holding her hand walking through a parking lot or store if she was going to have a fit or didn't want to go any further then she would do what I call limp noodle so you end up holding the hand of a kid who is basically dangling there all limp and refusing to get back on their feet and it looks like you're dragging them when in reality you're not you were just holding on to them when they decided to go down. And as for the screaming it's better than hitting and if she was going to hit him then she more than likely would have done it before putting him in his car seat and you seen her put him in the car seat and never seen her raise her hand to him.

I have to agree with the response that said "why did you leave after you called the police If you wanted to get involved get involved " I think if it was in the best intrest of the child you should have spoken to the police .I really have to applaud the mom who when and talked to her though maybe that was just what she needed to see that someone was offing to help. Also what did you know about the child were the autistic, spolied have behavioral disorder both? or what I know my child is who is both a little spoiled and autistic which by the way you wouldn't know by just looking at him he looks a normal as any other child and doesn't talk any different or physical look any different than a "normal" child so ... if he was having a "behavior" I understand why she removed him the way she did. Sometimes things aren't as they seem and if you were willing to step in and call the police maybe you should have stuck around to talk to them, You could have told the police you didn't want to "show " who you are and you would have met them in the store. I know if it was me and it may have seemed as if I lost my "cool" as it may have seemed as if I was being too rough I probably was just trying to control my child from hurting me or themselves or anyone else let alone get them out of the store to prevent damages. I would have rather had some one ask me if I needed help rather than assume I was treating my child the wrong way. For instance should he not want to sit in his car seat then he will arch his back and "fight " me and as most people don't know austic children have amazing strenth so it mat look as if the moms are forcing them in the seat but they are not. If you felt it in my gut that the mom was hurting the child in anyway then I would have called the poilice but I would have also followed through and talked to them not left in tears hoping for the best.

You had said "As a parent, you don't always get the luxury of a melt-down when you want. Sometimes your needs have to come last. Several days later and much thought, debate and praying for the mom and this little boy, I stand by my decision." Your decision to call may not have been wrong but,
Unfourtnately since you did leave the police don't have to follow up and Even if she was having a bad day that may not excuse her behavior but since you were unable to talk to her you will never know maybe you should have stayed and talked to the police.I mean lets be honest if you felt that you should call because what you saw was wrong then you should have stayed to tell them what you saw. Even if the other mom thought you should go why did you? You did say you saw it all from the store so with out talking to her and the police how do you know what happened? How do you know that she was hurting him was she verbally threating him what was she yelling what did you phyically see her do? These are all "thing" that you would have told the police and could have been her wake up call to stay calm and cool at all times. If you really wanted to help the child you should have talked to the police. You also could have also got the report then called dcfs given the the report to them and then you know that you then did the right thing because they would follow up and see if the child was in a dangerous situation. This would have ensured a follow up. What if the mom got "angry" after she went home what happened behind closed doors? With out a report filed and a call to dcfs the only thing honestly that was done was that the police were called you left the scence and who knows. Even if the police came out and said some one called and said they toldthe other mom that "someone saw you hitting your child" the other mom could have just said no and that would have been that if the person who calls the police doesn't make a report it becomes just hearsay and nothing probably came of it because there were no eyes witnesses. I am sorry to be so bluntand am not making a personal attack on you but, but I am being honest. If I were to call the police because I saw something dangerous I would have talked to them because would not have cared if the other mom knew who called because I was not there to become her friend I was there to help the child.To be honest even if the mom was just having a bad day it may not justify her actions but you didn't know what she was really doing because you didn't talk to her. Maybe she was hitting him and shouldn't have or maybe her child had a disability like autism or and other neurolocial disorder and she and have just had enough and lost her cool or she was exhausted because this was the 10th fit or "episode" of the day but unfournately you don't know when you called the police you should have stuck around to "help" the child because from what I read on both posts you watched you called and you left. if you would have stayed you could have talked to her and seen what really was going on.

As you stated" If she has done nothing wrong, then the involvement of the police serves as a reminder that she needs to maintain her cool no matter what kind of day she's having and not take it out physically on her son. If something came of it, and she was investigated, perhaps I did save this little boy. " but because you left there was no eye witness,possibly no report and probably nothing really done other than the police were called.

I do wonder if this mom was having a bad day if her child has a neurological disorder or if she was abusing him... Who knows.. your son is only 11 months and hasn't hit the "terrible twos" yet but someday he will and I will pray you will always "keep your cool" you may want to read the responses you have gotten today for then in case you don't or in case someday your child is diagnoised with a disorder like autism,aspergers or a behavioral disorder and other see this happen with you and they call the police then drive away and hope for the best without asking any questions.

As far as being "parent of the year" none of us are that by any mean but I think you have taken the advice offensively and not as "advice" you have to live with your choice as well as we all and you are right you don't know what he will be like at two but I hope that if this happens to you and someone calls the police because they felt that you were acting in an in appropriate manner they will talk to you because as I said before things may not be always be as it may seem but you will never know if you don't ask.

I too feel bad for the little boy. If she is that rough with him in public makes me wonder how rough she is with him at home. I think you did the right thing..

Unless you see the mother VIOLENTLY striking the boy, I would not get involved. I'll just leave it at that.

Thank you for intervening. I think too many times, people see these things and don't do anything.

I think the advice about asking the mom if she needed help may have been a good way to break the mood but I'm so glad you called the police and hope that she'll think twice before she acts that way again.

Man, I wish you had to get a children license like a driver's license before having kids. Just someone to run down the descriptions of child development and what to expect from your kid. What is normal.

I think I would have left sobbing as well...but for the kid- not the mom.

J.-

I am reading everyone's response and I have to agree with what you did. In the world today you really never know who your approaching and are better off letting the professionals handle the situation instaed of playing counselor yourself- The mom was obviously either having a bad day or she treats her child that way on a regular basis. In my opinion she needed to be told to stop by someone with authority. My hat comes off to you for actually doing something to benefit the childs well being. It's unfortunate that in the world today you just cannot trust people.

Job well done-

You and the other mom both did what was necessary. Bad day or not, it is never acceptable to behave like that, nor is it responsible to hope that a talking to from a stranger is enough. We look the other way far too much in this society.

It is a scary place where people think protecting a mom from the embarassment of having to talk to a police officer is preferable to looking out for an innocent child. You should ALWAYS err on the side of caution, and ALWAYS in the best interests of a child.

For what it is worth, if you are a mandatory reporter (teacher, nurse, etc), and you witnessed this situation, you would be required to report it. Failure to do so could result in criminal charges against YOU.

You did the right thing. We all have days when we melt down, but that woman sounds like she was out of control. I would be afraid to let her be at home alone with that child if that is how she was acting in public.

I just gotta say, GOOD THOUGHTS to you J. M. and lots of caring thoughts to the people that were involved.

I'm a mom with a 2 and 3 year old rowdy boys and I've dealt with my share kid struggles. I also work with and manage a busy public Library so I've seen my fair share of situations.

YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS. If the mom is having things like a bad day, etc. or if it wasn't too harsh then the police will sort it out. You never know, this may not have even been the Mom because I've seen Nannies in public striking children, withholding food, etc. and the parent may not ever even know unless there was intervention.

I don't think you were passing a judgement on her, I think that you were afraid for a child's safety and IMHO it's always better safe then sorry. Chin up and do your best. Shannon

GOOD FOR YOU!!! I work in the juvenile criminal justice division, and I see WAY too many CHINS (children in need of services) reports from the DCS because the parents lose control and go too far. We all lose control, but we have to know our breaking points. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't lay a hand on my daughter, because I know I'll beat the living daylights out of her if I did. I have a hot temper and suffered the same punishment as a child. So when I feel my blood boiling, we have to be separated. So we both go into time-out. I know what my breaking point is, and I can say I've NEVER laid a hand on my daughter. And, yes, I would have called the police. And no, I'm not afraid of a mom getting mad at me for calling them on her. I'm more concerned about her child who can't defend himself. And if someone wants to get up in my face, let me. They put a hand on me, I'll personally restrain them until the police get there, even if I have to sit on them til then. But she won't be laying another hand on anyone for the moment. That doesn't scare me too much though. I deal with rough-and-tumble kids. There definitely needs to be more people like you. And far too many parents get upset at others for "butting in" on discipline and want you to mind your business. But kids don't have a voice to speak up. That's where all of us come in. THANK YOU for doing the right thing!

I think what you did was right. I would have done the same. Maybe this will just let the mom know that this is not okay. Don't worry about it. You did the right thing!

I'm just curious why you left after calling the police? Why not call them, just to be safe but wait til they arrived incase the situation escalated? If your going to get involved then be involved.

I have mixed feelings about this post. I'm not sure that calling the police was the best thing. Was she hitting him, or was she feed up with the 15 tamtrums he had that day. Maybe it would have been a good idea to help the mother. You may have made her day worse. You don't know what that women was going through on that day or any other day.

I hope that this does not happen to me. My two year old son is very strong and when he does not want to be carried I can't hang on for the life of me. At least once a week I am half dragging him to the car or across the street because if he doesn't want to go he won't, he will drop to his knees and pull away from me. I can't imagine what it looks like to an outsider, me struggling to hold on, the both of us yelling and me trying to get him some where safe so that I can talk him down or muscle him into his car seat.

We all have our days and some kids have very bad temper tantrums. The mother might have lost her cool but she might have had to do that in order to get the childs attention and into the car seat so that everyone could calm down.

We will never know what happened because there was no follow through. If you feel that you need to intervene and that a child is in danger and may need help, then get involved and stay there until the police can get the story from all sides, that way you will know if you did the right thing.

This is a very hot topic.

I see you have several responses, but I just wanted to tell you that I feel you did the right thing. You do not have to now think "what if I called the police". If the police did nothing that is fine. What if the police did have to do something and they were not called? The child might have bruises that could be seen up close. As the others have stated, what if it is worse at home? I have bad days (don't we all?) and I have never done anything like that to my child.

Thank you for not ignoring what the child could not speak up for. It is always easier to walk away than to help.

That's really sad situation! And it happens too often! I think I would just go outside and ask nicely if I could help her, and just make sure that he's ok, staying there and talking to her until she calms down. The thing with the police is that I would be afraid she might get investigated, and would they get there ontime? I don't think it's ever ok to scream at a child-and in fact, make things a lot worse probably!

I hope everything turned out alright for that poor woman and her little boy!

Hi J.. I totally feel for you - you had a hard choice to make. I think if that's what the mom is doing in front of people, what is she doing when nobody is looking? She may have been having a bad moment or day, but your gut told you to call. I ran in to the same situation last summer at a grocery store. I tried to talk to the mom and offered help...she told me to "f" myself and then proceeded to scream at other people offering to help. I had my daughter with me and didn't want her to see what was going on so I left...I've regretted not doing more since then. We ALL lose our tempers at one time or another..but it sounds like the extent this woman took it to was not going to subside if someone didn't step in...it's not likely she was having an isolated incident...I think you did the right thing.

i would not have called the police but i would have said something to the lady to make sure she was okay. Maybe she had just found out some horrible news and could not contain her emotions.

CONGRATS!!! You could save that boy. Go with your gut feeling. I would of done the same thing and have. No child should be treated like that. Yes we all have moments when our child doesn't behave or its a bad day but don't ever take it out on your little one. You did the right thing. I am very proud of you!!

As for the people who told you that you should of talked to her. Now a days you do NOT know what she is capable of doing and if she had any weapons,or would of came after you. Let the police deal with her thats what they are there for. It is very much an emergency when a child is being hurt. Just because you didn't stay doesn't mean the police can't call you...they have your name and number. Even if you see a child out of a car seat you should call. I have done that also. It can save a childs life!! Thats an emergency also and I WILL keep calling 911 to help a child.

I applaud you for stepping in on what may have escalated into a very bad situation. You don't know if this was a one-time occurrence or not. I support your decision fully!

I would have done the EXACT same thing. God only knows what she is doing behind closed doors if she is showing that type of behavior with her little guy in public!

You did the right thing by calling the police. That is what they are there for. If this mother acted this was and treated her little one in this manner in public, what do you think she does in the privacy of her own home. This little boy at two years old is much too young to be treated this way. He has not reached the age of reason to understand the way he was being treated. Someone needs to stand up for him. (yourself and the lady in front of you in line) You did your job and you should be commended. Never think for a minute that you are wasting the time of the police dept. When officers are sworn in they have taken an oath of serving and protecting at all costs, even little two year olds that are being potentially abused by their parent or caregiver.

Thank you for standing up for him. I would have done the same!

Wow...tough call I guess. I'm going to play Devil's advocate here... You know it does sound a tad rough, but does anyone ever just consider the fact anymore that sometimes Mom's have bad days too. In this day and age mother's are expected to be perfect...Work full time...mothering full time, run errands, clean house, make meals, playdates, classes, be a freind, a wife, a daughter...and never loose our cool from the pressure, when our two year old, or four year old, or whatever does something obnoxious for the umpteenth time. Everyone has limits, even Moms. Not to mention, when you call the police, things like DCFS may get involved...probably not even necessary. How embaressing and presumptious of you. Did you consider the fact that the kid probably had a temper tantrum affter being yelled at and then fell on his knees...I'm not defending this woman's behaviour, but haven't you ever lost your cool with your kids, or are you too perfect? Doubt it!! How would you feel? What about saying jeez I used to hate when my little so and so acted up at that age to her and trying tro diffuse the situation instead? Was she slapping him, or hitting hime and yelling, no. She was yelling, maybe not the best startegy, but it happened.That happened to a freind of mine, after his kids were acting like brats, I think his youngest was probably three or four at the time, and just like you stated about this woman he had had it, and he roughly put the little guy in the car seat, well an onlooker decided to call the police...an official investigation was conducted by DCFS and mandatory parenting and anger management classes were ordered by the court. How embaressing. He is a great father, but he was pushed to the limit...he didn't beat the daylights of kids ever, but he was at his wits end that day. Gosh, when we were kids mothers wouldn't think twice about spanking us in front of everyone, or at least in the bathroom if we acted up. And we wonder why our youth is so messed up...everyone has to "keep up appearances" and never be a human being, our kids our never supposed to see that others have feelings and limits, and that sometimes even us Mom's loose our cool, and that sometime what little so and so is doing isn't cute, it is annoying. Ask yourself,"is this the same kind of woman you would befriend at the park and talk to, or is she the kind of woman you are to good for?" Because the fact is it sounds like you may be feeling like you over stepped your bounds, and are looking for ways to justify you behaviour.

I think you and the other lady did the right thing. Clearly mom needs help in knowing how to deal with a two year old, which can certainly be challenging. If you had looked the other way, you know she never would have gotten the help she needs. This way, maybe she will. You will never really know, but you do know you did your best to give this child a chance at a safe, secure childhood. A two year old is defenseless, and we all have to look out for young children.

K.

I haven't read all of the posts below, but I do get the gist of most of them. I think you made a decision based on your mother instinct and chances are that instinct was dead right. Given the exact circumstances you described, especially in your updated post, you were acting in the interest of this young child, something that I really think should be commended. Perhaps things could have been done differently, but ultimately your act was selfless and noble and you should be proud that you were corageous enough to protect a child from a situation you felt was dangerous.

I think that you did the right thing too. All of the people who are saying that you should have just talked to her forget that you are not a trained professional. The police and social workers are trained to be able to figure out wether it's an isolated incident or a sign of a much bigger problem. They are also in a position to see that the mother gets help if she really does need it. I she did have a huge problem, then just speaking with her at that moment wouldn't have solved it. It would have been like putting a bandaid on a broken leg.

Hi J.,

I don't really have any advice for you except to tell you that I would have done the same thing. I don't know if that's the right or wrong thing but it's the same thing I would have done if I were in the situation.

I hope that it makes you feel better to know that alot of people would have made the same decision.

Take care,

N.

I think calling the police was going way too far! Every mother has had these days. I'm just afraid that the child got into more trouble when he got home because of this. You know, so often parents are afraid to discipline in public because of what people will think, but it's those same people who look at you and judge you if you don't discipline your child. This makes me realize why so many kids are running around misbehaving in public...parents are afraid that they are always going to be viewed as an abuser. I'm afraid for that child now! Mom probably won't take him anywhere anymore and is probably madder at him now than she was in the store.

J.,
I just wanted to tell you that I think what you did took a lot of guts. I was in the same situation at a KMart where a grandma took a belt out of her purse and hit one of her grandkids. I actually walked in between her and the child to stop the second hit (she just missed me, which would have caused more issues, I know). I asked her what would warrant whipping a little boy (I asked him, he was only 4), she said he wanted a truck she wasn't going to buy and she didn't want him asking again, so she stopped him from asking. I found the store's security guard and told him what had happened. He called the police because it was a physicaly harm done to the child. I talked with the cop outside of the store and filed a complaint. Because she had 5 kids with her (not one of them had a car seat, either) the police followed her home. I never heard what happened. I, too, left the parking lot in tears and fearful of what might happen behind closed doors. But,
in this day in age, you have to follow your gut. I think our society has become too lax and compliant with the way we let things go. I honestly think you did the right thing. All that you can do now is pray for the child and his mom and hope all is going well. Kudos for sticking up for what you know is right!!!

J.,

I just wanted to voice my opinion and tell you that I was in tears while even reading your post. I 100% think that you did the right thing. I'm the mother of a 2 year old and sure, he can be trying on my nerves and has had his share of bad days (today was one of them!). Seriously, I've never, ever screamed at the top of my lungs at him. I've raised my voice to get his attention. I've changed my tone of voice to what I call my "Mom Voice". I've even muttered a "d*mmit" or two under my breath through gritted teeth (only to have it repeated by him in a growl of his own, lol).

My fear in that situation would have been if she was doing that in public...what's going on at home? My stomach turns to even think about it.

I'm so sorry that you had to even witness that, but at the same time very glad for the little boy that you were there.

T.

No way is it appropriate to call the police b/c you see a mother lose her temper w/her children. Yes you should call if you witness someone beating the child. Before I became a mother I passed judgement on other moms, even my own sisters. Now I realize it is a hard job, the best and most rewarding in the world, but trying at times. As women and mothers I feel we are all too critical of each other. We need to support one another. Perhaps this mom had a really bad day. We have no idea what goes on in other people's lives. Sure it seemed as if she "lost it" but it's not anyone's business to tell her how to parent. If the child was not in danger, it is NOT appropriate to give insolicited advice. I believe what you did was what you thought was in the best interest of that child but it's not your child.

You did the right thing in my opinion absolutely, we weren't there but you're instinct kicked in and if you felt it was wrong then why not be on the safe side. My toddler I'm sure will one day throw a fit an throw themselves on the ground and refuse to be carried away but I would never scream at them no matter what. Good on you !