Would You Break up with Your So If They Were Disfigured? JFF

Updated on June 11, 2011
J.F. asks from Doylestown, PA
32 answers

OK so I have an odd hypothetical question. Would you break up with your SO other if they lost some vain quality you loved and that was impt to you...for instance had some odd voice change and sounded like a high pitched girl forever, face was disfigured.....and would your answer be diferent if you just fell in love and had only been together months vs been together years? I assume in all honesty people would most likely have a diferent answer if 6 months in they became disfigured even though you were in love, vs being together 5+ years? I'm just curious and lookin for super honest answers

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So What Happened?

I pretty much know anyone would stay if they were married and with the person years, or had kids...but what about when you were in the begining stages with you SO as in just fell in love, as in within months of falling for someone?
This was just b/c I love debates and hasn't happened to me btw! Thanks for all the awesome answers..although I think most people answered to what they would do with their current feelings for their SO I still am amzazed there werent a few that would leave..I wonder if guys answers would be the same!

Featured Answers

M.D.

answers from Dallas on

You never "loved" that person, you lusted after them... People confuse love and lust all the time... Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud... it is not rude, it's not self-seeking, it's not easily angered it keeps no record of wrongs, love doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it ALWAYS protects, trusts, hopes and preserves!

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Well, I'd say it's a pretty good sign that the particular "quality" that was lost was what was really cared for--not the person.

3 moms found this helpful

A.A.

answers from Las Vegas on

I wouldn't leave him. It's not whats on the outside its whats in the inside.

My husband had a dirt bike accident 10 years ago and his left ankle and foot is all metal. The doctors were going to amputate his leg and he refused to let them do so. From the knee down his circulation is very bad. They had to put some kind of battery pack in his leg to generate circulation. His foot does not bend. We call it his dumb foot. We have known since the accident that he will have to have it amputated eventually (within the next 5 years). We are mentally prepared for it and I will stand by him no matter what.

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C.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think it depends upon how committed the relationship was before the disfigurement. If you have professed your love for each other, which in my opinion should be because you value their non-superficial qualities, then I think disfigurement shouldn't be the reason to end it.

My grandmother was disfigured when my father was a teenager. A surgeon cut a nerve in her neck during surgery to remove a tumor. It paralyzed one side of her face, making her mouth crooked (and preventing her from smiling on one side of her mouth), causing her cheek and eye to droop, and causing her eye to water so much that she had to constantly carry tissue to dry her eye. When my grandmother expressed fear that my grandfather would leave her because she was disfigured and no longer the woman he married, he asked her to marry him again and they had another wedding.

My brother's wife had a radical mastectomy at age 26 due to breast cancer. He wanted to be a dad, but her treatment rendered her incapable of having children, and she didn't want to adopt because she feared the cancer would come back and she'd leave her children motherless. He has stuck by her and enjoys being an uncle. His wife's cancer is back, and metastasized in her bones and lungs. At this point, they are treating to extend her life, but unless a cure is found, she will likely die young. My brother is sticking by her because he takes his wedding vows seriously.

I also have a friend who has arthritis that has disfigured her feet and one of her hands, and makes physical activity difficult. Her husband isn't about to leave her. After 20 years of marriage, they still act like teenagers together.

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N.J.

answers from Los Angeles on

My husband stuck it out with M. after I had my MS diagnosis. It was probably about 6 months prior to us getting married, we had been together a little over a 1.5yrs. Although, most likely not permanent (and it wasn't) I could only move one leg when I walked, so I moved as if I was crippled, leaned to one side, ran into walls etc. One side of my face was numb so there were times I drooled out of one side of my mouth.

I think you kind of got the picture. This lasted about 2 months, I was thinking for sure he wasn't going to want to commit knowing this could be something that happened a lot and could possibly become permanent. Thank God it resolved before our wedding and I've been fine since. But it proved to M. and him that we truly loved each other no matter what! So yes I would stick it out, especially if we were truly in love :)

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A.G.

answers from Houston on

no!.....i love my husband for many other reasons that would hold M. to him forever.

1 mom found this helpful

D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi, Jen:

Falling in love is a spiritual condition. This love rises above the material world.

If the love doesn't rise above into the spiritual plane, then divorce is imminent.

What a question.
You go girl!
D.

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C.S.

answers from Kansas City on

Absolutely not! I have a wonderful husband.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

Honestly... it would depend. Even if we've been married a long time.

Do they stay the same PERSON I love... or does their personality change as well? If they become angry, shallow, bitter... I would probably make it a few years UNLESS they started hurting my son. I can shoulder a lot (I've learned) but my line in the sand with how I'm treated and my son is treated are in two different time zones.

I have lots of FRIENDS who've lost pieces of themselves (arms, legs, hair, burns, partial paralysis), and a few family members. For those who have remained THEMSELVES I love them as much now as I ever did. For those who succumbed to depression (for good) or anger... I've let them go. My husband used to be an AMAZING man. But about 4 years ago everything changed. I've managed through 4 years of heartbreak, but I'm reaching the end of my rope. So I DO know I'm not a saint. I have a finite amount of patience... and even I don't know when (and didn't back when things first began changing) I'll reach the end of my patience.

J. being honest as per my experience.

Although, also per my experience, I've learned that I can think what I MIGHT do (or think I'd do, no matter what) but until I'm actually faced with the situation at hand.... I have no idea.

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M.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Hmmm...interesting question.

If we were married then yes I would stay...regardless of kids...I would stick by him..through sickness and health...rich or poor...stretch marks and flat/floppy boobs....

If we were dating then I honestly would have to weigh it in my mind and figure out if that is the circumstance I wanted for my future and my future children. I don't think one should get married merely for love. I loved many men before my husband...but when I looked at the type of father the man would be or the quality of life that man could provide or how hard working and compassionate the man was or how well we worked together then I had to dig deep and look at it from my head and my heart.

I think it would be rough though if we were married for a short time and this happened but I really know I would stick with him. I feel strongly about a marriage covenant and that you don't J. run because you are not happy anymore or feeling unfulfilled. You run when you are physically,mentally,emotionally,verbally being abused. To M. it would be shameful to run away from a loving and decent man you covenanted your life to simply because of a freak type accident or medical problem. It would be hard..I would mourn the loss of the life I dreamed we were going to have then move on and put a smile on my face and make him feel like he is the most beautiful man on earth. Although...the high pitched voice would get on my nerves...guess i would get some earplugs to mute it a bit.

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T.B.

answers from Bloomington on

I am married with children, so I will stick with my husband no matter what he looks/sounds like. Dating, no children, in love, I'd probably stay too.

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M.J.

answers from Sacramento on

My husband stood by M. when about six months into our relationship I needed emergency eye surgery. My eye looked like a monster's when the bandages were removed and I had to cover it with a metal grate to sleep. I looked horrendous for about a month and he didn't waver one bit in sticking by M.. I would absolutely feel the same way about him. Love is love; it's not the same as infatuation, which is largely based on looks.

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L.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Through thick and thin, baby. What's inside matters most.

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N.P.

answers from San Francisco on

I would stay with him because I love him and in a way, what you have described has already happened. My husband and I have been together for a little over sixteen years. When I met him and fell in love, we were both Juniors in high school and his body was smooth and hairless save for a small, struggling mustache. He had a gorgeous head of long brown hair with flecks of gold that glowed in the sunlight. He was lithe and agile, able to scale high ladders in the school theater to clamber around on the catwalks adjusting and tweaking the lighting for the next school play.

I was also very different then myself. As we've aged, the skinny goofy boy I fell in love with bloated into a large jolly man with short thinning hair. His once smooth, hard young body has softened and sprouted a forest of hair. I myself have warped and altered since high school, having gone through a pregnancy and two surgeries.

Life and the progression of time has forever altered us and stolen that which we once loved and cherished about each other, yet over the years our love has also changed and grown to accommodate our new selves.

Some day far in the future, the physical things that we once loved about ourselves today will be gone completly to be replaced by sagging wrinkled skin and thin white hair, if the hair sticks around at all...

So yes, if my husband lost limbs and became difficult to care for or some crazy nut thew acid in my face to irreparably disfigure M., we would still continue to love and care for each other because at some point in our lives we stood up and made a promise to each other. In times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity.

Time, like a thief in the night, will sneak in and slowly steal away whatever physical qualities you love about your significant other. It's inevitable so when you chose a mate, make sure you love more about them then their beautiful long hair or amazing singing voice. It is all vapor that will blow away in the blink of an eye.

If you ask, "Would I ever fall in love with someone who was disfigured at the beginning of the relationship." My honest answer is, "I would be repulsed by deformity and disfigurement like anyone, however, I am one able to be won over by personality and promises of devotion so it's possible had someone terribly deformed come onto M. and been persistent, I may have eventually come to love them and bind myself to them forever."

When I was young I had a crush on the phantom of the opera, a tragic and deformed character.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

I don't know what I would do without HIM. Not arms, legs, face, features. Who he IS...I can't live without that. If we had to live without some part of him, we could.

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T.C.

answers from Dallas on

No, I wouldn't leave my hubby. I would allow for it to be a hard thing for him too, and work through his struggles through it all. But I love HIM, not his body. I can't imagine any disfigurement making M. want to leave him.

If it was a boyfriend, it would depend on if I had ever reached the point of wanting to be with him forever. If it was J. another boyfriend, I could then see his disfigurement being something that would hold M. to him because i'd feel guilty leaving, when in reality, I would probably have ended it anyway. So, that one I can't really say. I don't see the disfigurement having anything to do with it. He'd have to be the right one for M. to stay with him if I wasn't married...regardless of a disfigurement or not.

If I was dating my hubby - not married - I knew quickly he was MINE. And, I don't imagine any sort of disfigurement would stop M. from marrying him. But past boyfriends (I knew they weren't my forever guy), I would hope I would be able to see past the disfigurement and still break up, knowing they weren't the right one.

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H.G.

answers from Dallas on

I've known my husband 13 yrs and I would luv him regardless. I would feel bad for him having to adjust to something life changing like that. I made a vow and im stickin to it!

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L.N.

answers from New York on

Super honest answer here:
My eyes have lost shape completely last 2 years. It have totally changed how I look. My husband says he does not notice, or he says he does not care. nothing has changed in our relationship. nothing. i would do the exact same thing with him too. it would not matter.

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J.J.

answers from Allentown on

Personally it would depend on weather or not I really loved the person, and I doubt the reason I would leave would be anything that could happen to them. I would have to say early in a relationship if something happened to them I would stay with them until I was sure I either loved them and wanted to stay with them or until I was sure we were not compatible for other reasons and then break it off. Though of course I would like a man who could be physically active but if I loved him and he was in a wheel chair, it wouldn't make a difference. And it wouldn't make a difference weather it happened before we met or right after or ten years later. If he was in a fire and was disfigured I would feel the same. If he went mute or whatever thing you can imagine that would complicate lives. None of it would really matter to M., and yes I am being completely honest. The things that would make it difficult for M. would be if he were abusive. the only other reason I can come up with for not wanting to be with someone early in a relationship is finding out they don't have stable finances(don't make much money and no interest it making much or spend foolishly), things like that would drive M. to look elsewhere. And I know money isn't everything, but it is important to M.. so I guess it boils down to what is important to each person. I would leave someone early in a relationship for having no ambition financially and someone else might leave for any number of other reasons. It doesn't make anyone right or wrong, J. what they can live with and we learn about ourselves every day. so for disfigurement my answer is no I wouldn't leave them even at the beginning of a relationship for that.

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S.F.

answers from Utica on

I think that if you are honestly in love with that person you would of course stay. It may be looks that attract you to a person at first but ultimately its the person that you fall in love with and looks dont change a person. To M. that would be like a guy saying "well honey when we met you had gorgeous long hair but you cut it all off and wont grow it out so I cant be with you anymore" - very superficial
So, to answer your question, If I was in love then yes I would stay

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S.T.

answers from Houston on

My husband has terrible scars all over his body, from chest tubes and open heart surgery, ruptured appendix, and cancer surgery. I thought it was going to be very difficult to get used to the scars, in fact in the beginning they repulsed M.. But in the end love won out. And I have a terrible scar too, from my naval to my pubic line, that leaves my belly all uneven and terrible looking. He still loves M. too. :)

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L.F.

answers from San Francisco on

No. I love my husband so much that I wouldn't leave him for anything. Even if he gained 400 pounds and was disfigured in some way. I love him as he is and all of his wonderful qualities. I could potentially see someone leaving their SO if they were with them a short time and weren't married etc. J. dating, but as in being married, having children, a home together etc---I don't know of anyone who would leave. My husband and I have loved eachother through some really rough times---surgery several times that did change certain things about us. But we love eachother so much more than what is on the outside.

M

M.P.

answers from Sacramento on

If it were my husband, I would stand by him through anything!! I don't care what it is.

If I were J. dating somebody, I would hope that I would not end a relationship over J. that one thing. But I also would not want to feel obligated to stay with that person if there were other things that sent up red flags, J. because this awful thing happened to them. It would be tough! Of course even if you broke up with them for some other reason everyone would say that you did it because of ________ , but who cares what everyone else thinks anyways right? LOL ~

Deep Question!

R.A.

answers from Providence on

If I was in love, or really liked someone I would stay. Outer appearances are always changing, but inner beauty is something more valuable.

M.L.

answers from Houston on

My dad's face was seriously disfigured from serious cancer treatments/surgeries.

Anyone who would leave a person in pain due to some cosmetic or even life altering change that was beyond their control should be made to suffer the same physical deformity.

If it was new relationship, it would depend on how deep the level of love was. one wouldn't have to feel guilted into staying with a person for such a thing, especially if they weren't going to stay with them in the first place.

M..

answers from St. Louis on

Its hard to say unless you are really presented with the situation. For M., I would stand by my husband through ANYTHING. And thats a completely honest answer. If I were J. dating some guy for a few months, it might be different. Depends on the situation and if you really loved the person.

R.D.

answers from Richmond on

I consider myself disfigured; my stomach is SO ugly from 3 pregnancies... but my guy still thinks I'm the sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world :) So yes, if he was suddenly disfigured or handicapped, I would totally stay with him!

Same with my kids... my 2nd daughter was supposed to be born with cleft lip and palate. I was totally mentally prepared for the hardships (surgeries and speech impediment, as well as the actual visible deformity), and the second she was born and all the nurses let out, loud gasps, I was really prepared for the worst. They laid the baby on my chest and I went to kiss her perfectly imperfect little mouth... AND SHE REALLY WAS PERFECT!! No cleft lip or cleft palate... only a button nose and little bird lips ;)

My point is, and this is old news, love comes from what's on the inside, not what's on the outside ;)

You think I'm going to look this good when I'm 90? HELL NO! And neither is my guy ;) But the love will always be there :)

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

We've been married 22 years this summer and known each other for over 30 years.
We'd be so lost without each other.
For better or for worse, we are in it together till death do us part.
This is the difference between fully committing to someone or looking for an escape hatch/clause.
If you need to have a way out, you are not that fully committed to the relationship.
Actually a good friend of mine was living with her new boyfriend for under a year when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
He stuck with her through chemo and radiation.
They married 2 years later.
She's in complete remission and they are living happily ever after.

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L.G.

answers from Detroit on

You are sincerely asking a question that is impossible to answer.
No one knows your situation, your relationship, your love for this person.
No one but you.

I don't know your situation. I don't know much from your question. I do sense that possibly (forgive M. if I am wrong) that you are in a difficult situation and you are looking for support if you walk away. No one is going to give this to you b/c they don't know all the details.

I think you are wanting to walk away but feel guilty. Don't do that to yourself, what ever feelings you have now are going to escalate in the years to come. Be honest with yourself and your loved one.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

My answer is different now that we are married, have been together for 10 years, have a child. If we had J. started dating, it would depend on if it was something I wanted to deal with long-term. There are J. too many what ifs to say definitely this or that. Injuries do change people so I would not divorce DH for the injury, but if it caused him to be mean, abusive, depressed and he wouldn't get help...those things would impact our marriage and I'd have some tough decisions to think about. My xSF claimed that a minor car accident caused him to not be able to work, but in truth I think he was lazy. He stopped working, he became abusive...I don't blame my mom for finally unloading him. But was it the injury or J. his personality that the injury exacerbated? If DH was still my wonderful DH but had one arm? Or lost his sight? I'd stay with him.

Have you been talking to my stepson? Last night he hit M. with "would you rather be paralyzed or in pain for the last 10 years or would you rather have 5 years of no pain?" I said that wasn't a cut and dry question. For example, would 10 years allow M. to see my daughter graduate HS? See him marry? See grandbabies? There are a lot of factors.

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

Ok, been together for 6.5 yrs ... so long as the disfigurement did not change HIM as in his personality, if he had long term or lifetime depression, did not like to do the same things etc ... basically if quality of life for both (all kids incl) were vastly changed for the worse and I have done all I can to remove the misery then I am out.

A.G.

answers from Dallas on

After a few months, I don't know. I don't think I really loved my husband yet after a few months. Now though, after 17 years, I would stand by him through absolutely anything, and I feel completely confident that he would answer the same way.