Would like More Involvement from My In-laws with Our New Baby.

Speaking from experience, we tend to be a distance from both sides as well. Having a new one tends to excuse you from having to travel. Trying to tote a small child and packng up all the things you need and don't, just to visit can be h*** o* parents and kids. It is not your job to make your inlaws bond with your son.
You might want to have your husband voice concerns about their lack of involvement. Some times they tend not to notice, or are worried about stepping in where they shouldn't. It is always good to see where they are coming from first, as they may handle things differently then your family.
However, if it is a matter of convience for them. This is their grandchild. They should be around. Just be careful of always going out of your way, after awhile it gets to be expected. And becomes a hard thing to turn around.
I wish you good luck, and just remember no matter how much or little they are around, you have all the love your son needs to be happy.

~ C. ~

Hi J.,

I feel your pain! I'm in a similar situation, except that it's my parents who live 4 hours away and my husbands parents who live close to us.

With my parents I just realize that if I want my children to have a relationship with them, we have to go there - and we do, about once a month. Sure, I'd like them to visit us more often, but the bottom line is that it's about the kids and their bonding with their grandparents.

As for my husbands parents, I was quite upset when I thought that they didn't want to spend more time with my kids. However, it wasn't my place to approach them about it because they are my husband's parents. After talking to him about it, he agreed to talk to them and as it turned out, they thought that I didn't want them to be too involved. It was all about our wrong perceptions, and it took a good bout of communicating to resolve it. Now they see my kids once a week. Much better.

Have a good talk with your husband and see if he's willing to talk to his parents. It's really going to be up to him to bridge that gap.

Good luck!

Do you a digital camera? Do they have the internet? I would take pictures every couple of weeks and forward them on. He is getting big, he now has two teeth, he can crawl, etc... Always put at the end he can't wait to see you guys. I hope you can visit soon. Maybe they just don't get it. Or come out and invite them. What are you guys doing next weekend? My son would love to play with his grandparents :)
Good luck.

Gee J. how sad you seem over the lack of visits. We live a hour and a half from our nearest grandkids and see thme on holidays and birthdays .Time is tight age creeps up on us grandparents ,Eight hours is a far travel so I am thinking you expect way too much and yes because you are younger you should do the bigger picture and go for a weekend by taking a Monday and Friday off for travel.With being only a very young baby how will it affect him ? Nada ! but as time goes it will so get it going girl and make it all happen . Often times all it takes is less complaining and more effort on your part after all age plays a big role with grandparents .Take time to enjoy your wonderful baby and less on mundane things.I have been there ,done that and still searching for answeres on how to connect with this very matter and I am the grandparent and understand this busy world we live in . So to put it firmly -only you can make it better by living day by day .

I have a similar problem only my in-laws are only 2 freeway exits away... pathetic huh? So the distance thing isn't really an excuse. If they wanted to go to a casino every weekend for example, they would find the time and make an effort... know what I mean?

It breaks my mother's heart because she lives in another country and CAN'T see them and she envies my mother-in-law who could be LIVING over at my house practically! My father recently passed away and just missed meeting my daughter by a week... so yeah, it sucks for my kids because their only other grandparents just don't want to put in the effort.

I totally agree with Christie, you can only do so much and can't change them. Just do your part, send them photos, call them and tell them milestones your little one is reaching and let them know that they are always welcome in your home.

Also as Christie said, talking to them about their involvement should be your husband's responsibility cause it's his parents. Last thing you want to do is create a schism between you and them because you tried to "put them in their place". Does that make sense?

You may also look to an older friend or aunt/uncle to play the role of grandparents. My son calls one of my uncles Grandpa Tim and my aunt Grandma Mary.

I don't know if this will help you but I've found that starting a baby b-log online helps with that "need to share every detail" feeling you get. Also, it is a wonderful account of events that, due to fatigue and day to day life, are usually forgotten. It's nice to be able to go back and read about them.

When your baby is grown you could also take all those writings and edit them into a sort of "book of your life" and give it to him when he moves out on his own. They may not be appreciated right away, but later in life it'll be a dear treasure.

You can start the journal, add pictures and write in it once a day, once a week or make one big update once a month and e-mail the URL to family you care to share with. Even if you get no responses or comments back it will still feel like your life isn't going un-noticed.

I get little emails from family that are short and to the point. "Love the updates! Keep those pictures coming!" or “She’s getting so big!” or “What a cutie!” Even if they aren't as wordy to you in their responses to your carefully constructed journal entries they will at least be a part of your baby's progress.

Also if you insist on face time with your in-laws and they have stated that they can't make it to you but you are free to come to them, then pack up the car and go to them! Make it a bi-weekly or monthly trip depending on how far away they live.

My mother in law is like this also. My husbands sister has three kids, and she goes out of her way for them. But not us. Finally after years of struggling with it I just accept that is how it is, and it won't change. I have made it very clear to her that my children are not to see any evidence of this anymore or I will not participate in these family gaterings of theirs anymore. They still make no effort for us at all. Which I just accept as the end all of it. I don't really care anymore. But my husband kind of insists that we have to participate in this farce family gatherings. I grin , and bear it for a few hours.

I had a similar situation with my in-laws and both my parents had passed so I was also looking for that "mom" substitute during my joyous and difficult times of child rearing. The good news is as my kids have gotten older, my in-laws seem more interested and have been more involved. For us I think it was the "baby thing". As children get older they get more responsive, more independent, develop little personalities so it's hard for a grandparent to not be involved with that, especially once they carry on conversations using "grandma and grandpa" in their sentences. We just waited it out and things happened naturally. My thought was I didn't want to create conflict by making a fuss about it so once I decided I didn't want to be the one always forcing everyone to get together, I stopped. Eventually it all worked out. In the meantime I leaned on others for support, i.e., mostly friends as well as my sister. Good luck!

It is hard love, but if they are too busy to come see you, then why even go visit them? Does it matter that they are blood? Find a retirement home and take your child to spread joy into the lives of strangers that might not have grandchildren nearby... I'm sure most retirment centers have something like that... Let your in-laws know how much fun these strangers are having with their grandson, and when they complain, just remind them that they said they were too busy!

I have the same problem with my in-laws and it drives me crazy! They think we should be traveling to them and I don't quite understand that thinking either. Having said that...maybe your expecting them to be something their not (like interested). Maybe they aren't capable of being supportive?? Supportive like you would like them to be. This is what I had to realize 7yrs and two kids later with my in-laws. I say take what you can get...and if you are always the one traveling, just remind yourself you are doing it for your son (and not for yourself). At least he'll have a relationship with his only grandparents...yes, it will be lots of work for you but worth it in the end for him. Good luck!
P.S. you might want to get an American Airlines credit card so you can earn free flights

I just wanted to add that while you might rejoice in every minute milestone of your baby it's not quite so significant for others, especially when they've already gone through it as all grandparents have. These are the milestone that you share with other new moms. Don't be hurt by their lack of enthusiasm.

Michele

My husband and I live in the same town as my inlaws and a 12 hour drive from my family, usually when we do visits it is very hard to organize though we try to go to them twice a year and they come here twice a year. My grandparents love to visit there great grandkids but can't do it often because travel is to h*** o* them and they can no longer do an airplane flight by themselves (they are 80 and 81 and my grandma has parkinsons) since they both require wheel chairs at the airport either I have to fly up to get them or my mom has to come with them. it is much easier on them if we go there to visit, yes it is hard as my husband and I both work full time but we use at least one visit as a vacation. I think they may not be able to make the trip as it may be to much for them. As for not being interested is your husband telling them stuff about your son (such as first tooth)? Maybe they have the info already and want to keep you informed of other things going on in the family? Or is the only conversations you having with them completly revolving around your son? (I know it is hard (especally with your first) not to go on and on about how perfect they are. Good luck
Amanda

hi J.:

please remember that your baby was born to you and your husband, if the grand parents want to be a part of his life and yours, is their choice. they have already raised their children, besides you do not want to impose your ways onto any one...
enjoy your family : that is you, your husband and your children...

built precious memories, nor resentments... because you want your baby to feel loved and wanted, not rejected only because their grand parents do not go to see him, as often as you want....

remember that his parents can not compensate for your parents..... children need genuine love, not forced attention..
please focus on the blessings you have, and do not force your ways onto people.... live and let live....
enjoy your baby, your husband, your home, your friends.... life....
warmly,
sandy

8 hours is a long way. It's too bad they don't make more of an effort. It would depend on their health to determine what would be fair. There's also money issues. Would they stay with you or get a hotel? Do you stay with them when you visit? I would keep in mind to visit them a couple of times a year at least. Other than that I would leave it on them depending on their health. I would keep extending invites along the way like for his birthday and other special events. If they're healthy, but can't be bothered, what can you do? You might just have to cater to them depending on how important it is to you and your husband.

You can't control your in laws, you can only control yourself.
I would encourage you to get counseling. You have a huge hurt with your own mom not wanting to be a part of your child's life.
The void that leaves may be too large for your in laws to fill.
Grieving the loss of your mom in your child's life is key to your emotional health as a mom and for you future. I would encourage the relationship with the in laws as much as possible, cards, photos, websites, share those milestones! Go as frequently as you can (based on $$, energy and it may not be often) and encourage them to come, that is all you can do. You might want to think of joining a mommy baby group (hospitals, adult education, preschools, community groups), and find relationships with other moms. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Traveling with an infant is a lot of work. It sounds like you like being around your in laws and have made the long trips. I would do a trip once or twice a year to visit them and send them an invitation to visit your son how about a family birthday party at your home for your son (I have gone down to visit my in-laws once by car and once by plane about the same distance you discrib and the plane trip was a lot of work). Also, have conversation about the longest trip they took with your husband when he was a baby. Odds are your mother in law would say there was no way she would travel with a baby. Maybe with this in mind she will make more of an effort when you discuss the difficultly yet how much you love for you son to have a close bond with his grandparents.

Hi J.,
You received a lot of responses with varied thoughts. I didn't notice one that considered that maybe the retired grandparents find an 8 hour trip difficult. Retirement means freedom of time, generally, but not more energy. I'm 59 and most of my friends are 60-70 years old and retired. The first year or 2 of retirement they travelled some as they'd always dreamed of doing, but the trips became smaller and more infrequent. The budgets have shrunk with medical care costs going up and travel costs (gas costs more for a car OR a plane). I lived in Italy for a year and a half - and I knew my dad LOVED Europe, but they didn't come see us. Older people become uncomfortable in someone else's bed or home. It could be a simple as that.

Regardless, I hope you'll try to think POSITIVE thoughts about the situation so you can keep a good relationship and have your kids thinking positive things about them - so whenever you DO see them, that it will be a joyous occasion. It is really sad how many disappointments we have in life, especially regarding those we love, but that's the way it is, and we have to be the best people we can be regardless of how others behave.

God bless you and your precious family.

Hi J.,
You don't mention how old your husband's parents are, but I assume they are getting older if they are retired. It is probably more of a blessing than you know that they are still able to fill their days with friends, church, golfing or whatever else they are doing. Imagine if they needed full time care and you were the lucky one assigned to that task! At least they have interesting things to talk about when you call them, right?

My husband's family lives in Italy and they have only seen our oldest daughter twice (she is 5.5) and our youngest once (she is almost 3). It's not that we don't love them or vice versa, it's just that it's a really long and expensive trip. So we make do with video conferencing, e-mail, and lots of photos.

If you feel very strongly that you want to see your in-laws all the time, can you consider moving closer to them? My husband and I did that with my side of the family. It was getting to be a big chore for my parents to visit us or for us to visit them every other week (we lived 3 hours apart) so I was able to transfer my job to the same town where my parents live. It has been great! But it was a big expense and a lot of work to re-arrange our whole lives for that to happen.

I wish you the best - it is hard to live so far from family, I know.

Hello J.-
My In-laws live in Japan and my 3 kids (ages 12,6 and 2),Husband and I live in the East Bay. We try to have my in-laws and kids see each other every two years. But, in between I send videos and pictures of the kids. Once in awhile we make phone calls to their grandparents. Another way to stay in contact is if you and your in-laws have internet access to try hooking up to Skype. Both of you will need a webcam but you can talk to them I believe for Free and while you talk to them you can see them. Here is the website for you to check out: http://www.skype.com/
Best of luck.
L.

There's nothing you can do. If they are not interested, you can't make them be. Doting grandparents are a blessing, but we don't all get to be that lucky. Enjoy what you have!

Dear J.:

Do they have email? If so, send them periodic email messages with a photo or two (don't overdo the photos since they can take some time to download) commemorating your milestones. If they don't have email, you can print out some pictures at home, write a nice note and send it to them snail-mail. Our parents' generation still loves mail! Especially with photos.

It would seem that our retired parents should have plenty of flexibility, but I find with my own that I see less of them now (and we only live 4-miles away!) than I saw when I lived 200-miles away (I moved in order to give them more help) and we have a lot less fun since I'm trying to help them out between managing a business and building our farm & my Essential Oil business.

They also might have concerns about health, finances, and the tolls of travel that, while they might seem unreasonable to you, cause them trepidation. It's not unusual for them to become less willing to venture away from their "responsibilities" at home.

I've stopped expecting others to be as excited about the wild rollercoaster that is my life. I put it out there and let it go. We're all the happier for it and I think they feel that I'm more engaged in what's happening with the rest of the family because I let them go on and on about everyone else. I think it makes them feel like the "hub" of information and as long as they like that position, let them have it!

Good luck! V. Taylor

Wow. That is very sad. All I can say is that you can't insist that they show they care in the way that you like. I've found with my own parents that the like the idea of grandchildren more than the reality. I strongly recommend that you get connected in your area with a family of your own making. I've found that in my church. A great place to start is with a MOPS group. Here's a place where you can find one: http://www.mops.org/Groups/group_search.php

I know my MOPS group is only meeting a couple of more times before the summer but if you find a church with a MOPS group, then you know that it will be there for the fall and that there will probably be a great network of new moms and people who love them there.

I know a woman whose only grandchildren were lost to her through a divorce. She is like a grandmother to many children, providing love and support to the kids and their mothers.

You can't get blood from a turnip, so stop trying to get what you need from your in-laws and start building new relationships. It's a shame they aren't more supportive, but they may change as the chid gets older, so don't burn your bridges.

This on-line moms groups is a start, but you need flesh and blood people. If you don't want to go to a church, try to get involved in a local interest group (book club, story hour at the library, Bunco, etc.).

Maybe they want you to come to them because your schedule is so hectic and they feel uncomfortable, if you go to them then you are both not working and can enjoy the time and you actually get a break from your own schedule. Look at this as a positive and not a negative...10% is what happens to you 90% how you react to it. Remember you are still having hormone issues and you are sensitive to many things...I know this from experience I have a 4 year old, 22 month old and 8 month old.

J.,
It never ceases to amaze me how people can put their "busy-ness" ahead of loved ones. It's hard to hold the philosophy of people over things when it seems like the world in general are more of the mindset of things over people. You can take some comfort in the fact that they are 8 hours from you and that fact would truly have some influence in the number of times they visit. My mother lives 10 minutes from me and is so "busy" that her 6 month old granddaughter knows her so little she still cries when grandma picks her up. It's gotten to the point that I call several times a week to see if she has time that day to visit with her granddaughter so she can start to get over her "stranger danger" against her grandmother. You can only do what you can do and if others do not do their part to be involved, at least you'll have no regrets with your own actions and attempts to have them involved. As far as sharing things with them (and others for that matter), you can take care of that by building online baby pages where you can share photos, milestones, etc (for free) on "Babies Online". Here is the link. http://www.babiesonline.com/
Everyone seems to really like the updates and new photos that I share with them about my daughter.
Bottom line. Don't waste any more time and energy worrying about what other people are doing or not doing, rather focus it all back on to your beautiful baby. Good luck and God bless!

My husband was a career Navy Officer. We spent the first 20 years of our married life (complete with the only grand kids on either side) moving all over the country. And like you , we never lived closer than 6.5 hours to our parents. We moved 17 times in 20 years. We literally spent every bit of free time going "home" to visit- knowing full well that no one would come to us- at least not very often. So when my husband and I decided that having our kids know their grandparents was important, we also decided that we were the ones that had to make it happen. Now that our children are young adults, they have laughed and talked about all the good times that they had at the grand-parents'. They got to make memories that will last the rest of their lives, which is so important, now that the bulk of their grandparents have passed on. And now my kids are very close to one grandmother inparticular. It's a great relationshp for them. (both for grama and the girls)
Sooooo- I would advise for you to get over the resentment of them not coming to you, and go out and start helping your child make memories!

I would like to second the advice about skype. We bought a small computer for my m-i-l in Europe. She was not a computer user at all. After several Saturdays of my husband calling her to teach her about the computer, she gets to see the kids every Satudary and they get to see her. I certainly think it's been a great way to strengthen their relationship. At eight months old he probably won't do much more than sit on your lap and babble.

Skype software is a free download. It's less expensive for us than a telephone call because we're already paying for internet access.

Good luck.

Hi J.,

We were blessed to have my mom around until my kids were 6 & 8. The kids saw her several times a week and talked to her every day. From the day my son was born (my first), I included my in-laws in everything we did. I never made them feel second to my mom. Still, they only came when they weren't too busy (and they live nearby). In fact, they missed my son's birth (their first grandchild) and first birthday because they were on vacation. When my mom passed, I thought maybe they'd step up, well nothing has changed. They still only see the kids (now 10 & 12) when it's convenient for them. You will not change them. Find another adult relative to fill the void. We are lucky to have an aunt who is a grandmother figure. I think I might take some of the advice posted here and take my kids to a retirement center and have them visit with some older folks who will appreciate their visit. I know it's so hard with a baby, but hang in there, you will make friends and get busier every day and they'll be the ones missing out, not you.

Good luck,
J.

Hi J.. Well I have a similar situation expect a bit opposite. My in-laws are overbearing; they think that 'advise' is actually helping. We live almost 4 hours away from each other and I stress the visits because their idea's of parenting are so opposite of ours it has caused fricken. I AGREE my son, as yours, needs his grandparents. Do they have any other grandchildren? If not, like mine don't, they (mine do)will tell you how to raise him and if you don't they'll be offended. And for travel, there is no way that you should put yourself out, financially or mentally, just so they can see their grandchild. If they truly wanted to be a part of his life they would make the effort. It is also a LOT easier for them to travel than it is for you and your husband with the baby. My husband hates traveling because there is so much we have to take for our son. It is in my opinion that they are trying to 'control' how things are done by insisting you go to them to visit. This is the first step towards many issues of control to come. My advise is stand firm, hold your ground and just continually remind them of the situation and that it is hard to travel, let alone the cost of everything has gone up. I wish you the best of luck.

T.

try an online blog to share with the grandparents how your baby is devoloping ... include lots pictures ... they will read the story and look forward to reading more stories ... they will feel more connected with their grandchild and they will want to know more ... make the 8 hours distance disappear ... this has really worked for me ... just keep updating a monthly or weekly log/ diary ... they will love it =) try something like ... www.babababies.com ... check out this one as a sample and see how interesting this can be ... http://persiano.aboutmybaby.com/

Hi J.!

My kids have have 11 Aunts and Uncles and over 22 cousins. Very large family, and everybody lives all over the place.

This is an issue that my husband and I struggled with for years! Trying to get family involved is a very hard thing to do, and as a mother trying to do it, I will tell you that IT CAN DRIVE YOU CRAZY!

My advice.....Focus on your new family. Send little weekly "notes" or emails out to everyone on how much your baby is growing and what's new. If they don't respond, try not to take it personally.

When your baby gets older, you''ll have to be more creative on how you and he keep in contact with the families. We have pictures all over the house for boys to "remember" their family. We make/send cards for every birthday (almost). The idea will be to teach your child how to keep in contact with family. It's not up to you if they don't "reach out" back. That we have no control of. My boys are 5 and 11 now. It's sad, but they know who will respond to a party and who won't, just by example. I haven't had to say anything, and they are able to form their own opinions. As long as they are taught to reach out and love their family is all I focus on.

Good luck

N.