Woul You Stay in an Abusive Relationship?

Updated on May 04, 2013
D.C. asks from Jamaica, NY
29 answers

How far would you go for saving your family? Ever ask yourself what sacrifices you would make?
My husband loses his temper very often, name-calling, cursing are ordinary.
I am currently on meds for my anxiety and depressing and I pray God to help me decide what is best to do.
Lately he started to force me into some sexual activity that I am not confortable with. There is no kissing, no tender gestures from his side. He always expects me to initiate intimacy and then he refuses me if I don't agree to do it as he likes.
Today he threatened that he will not take our son to day care if won't get intimate with him. I still love him but his bad temper, his contrilling attitude really gets me down. I don't know if there is any hope for my situation but I feel so hopeless.
I cannot take care of my son as I should because I put all the energy into my relationship witb my husband.
I am afraid to start a new life on my own, I don' t want my son to go from one house to other and most of all I am only 29 I don't want to be single for the rest of my life:( Are all the men the same? Are there any happy or at least normal marriages?
I dindn't have anyone besides him so I don't know how is like in other houses. Please help me with ypur opinions.

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So What Happened?

I want to add that we tried therapy and it didn't work. I have a job and I am financially independent, so money won't be an issue.
The problem is that I cannot imagine my life without him:( My father was also abusing my mother, so I guess this also had a great impact on me. He is also physical abusive!

More Answers


answers from Albany on

Refusing to care for his child because his wife won't engage in his sick sexual requirements?

I'm sorry, but that's disgusting. He is not a man, he's a tyrant.

If you do not make changes, your son will think that's a normal relationship. You want your kid to do that to HIS wife? I think not.

You're a mom now, you need to be strong. If you can't do it for YOU, do it for your child.


9 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

It's not like that in my house, nor was it like that with the people I dated before meeting my husband.

Would I stay in an abusive relationship? Knee-jerk reaction is "no", but until you are in the situation you really don't know how you would react. Our situation was not nearly as bad as you describe, but my husband also has a quick temper and tended to name-call and explode. After one particularly nasty evening, we didn't speak literally for 2 days.

When we were both a little calmer, I told him first... this was not a discussion. I just wanted him to listen. If he commented or argued, I was "out" and I meant it, which he knew. I point blank told him that his son (who is the light of his life) deserved better and when a 3 year old tells you to "be nice to mommy" you know that you are behaving like an assh*le. I told him that I am his wife and his partner and that was expecting far too much of me without giving me time to breathe. I also told him that I could not live that way anymore. I gave him one option... find a way to control your temper (on your own or with a counselor) or find another place to live.

It wasn't an argument. It wasn't even a discussion. It was a line in the sand and it worked. We're not perfect. We argue. We get frustrated. We say things we don't mean, but the "meanness" is gone. He is far more understanding and he really has learned to temper his own reactions.

No, not all men are abusive, but lots of them had crappy role models (mine did). YOU decide what you can put up with... and that becomes the line in the sand. For me, it was the name calling. I'm not any of the things he called me and that was simply not OK for me. It stopped and our marriage is much better as a result of it.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Odessa on

If you leave him and rush into another relationship, you will pick another man like this. I am not saying his behavior is your fault but women who were abused usually repeat the cycle. Get counseling. If the first one is no help and you are not getting stronger and realizing things, find another. You have plenty of time to grow, heal, and then later on remarry. You need to take care of YOU so you can take care of your child. That needs to be your mindset , not pleasing any man.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Do not put your fear of being single ahead of your quality of life and safety.
Abusers teach their victims to believe that they can't make it without them, so that they will stay in terrible relationships.

The short answer: no, this behavior in a man is not the 'norm'...most guys are just so happy to have some romantic times with their wives that they aren't particular about who initiates and how they do it. I've been married twice and not once did I get that message. Threats (to do housework or the work of raising a family) and coercion are not typically part of one's intimate experiences with one's spouse.

I think you need to seek help and options, to talk to a counselor or get some other kind of guidance. This is bigger than what a forum can address. I will just say that, were it me, I would not be staying in that situation for the sake of myself and my child.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

You deserve better than this.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Your situation is not normal.
You don't have to be single for the rest of your life but you would benefit greatly by taking a few years to live without a man.
You would break your cycle.
You would show your son that you can walk away from unacceptable behavior.
You can heal and your self respect and confidence will increase (and I'm willing to bet 50 cents your anxiety will decrease).
When you are comfortable with living on your own and don't 'need' a man, you'll be ready to find one that isn't a monster and will be a good partner for you.
It won't be easy initially, but you will be glad you did - and eventually you'll wonder why you waited so long to do it.
Be optimistic that you can have a wonderful life ahead of you.
You just have to take that first step.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

If you can't leave your husband for your own sake (and I think you should) then you still must leave him for your son's well being.
My marriage is loving and happy. My husband and I laugh a lot. Your marriage is not normal or typical.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

ADD: Oh, sweetheart. PLEASE get therapy for yourself. Your parent's abusive relationship basically taught you that this was normal. You can't imagine life without him because that's ALL you've seen. Please, unless you want the same thing for your child, get therapy for yourself. You can't change your husband, you must keep yourself and your son safe. You WILL be ok, you WILL be able to imagine life without him. Life without him will be different, but SAFE!!! It takes work, but you will succeed. Give yourself and your son the chance to be fear-free.

ORIGINAL: This is not in any way normal. I have been married for 15 years, together for 18 including dating and engaged. My husband is NEVER like this. If he wants to try something different in bed (we're pretty straight-laced), he ASKS me, and if I say no, that's the end of it. FORCE is NEVER OK in a marriage. NEVER NEVER NEVER. It's not normal, and most guys are NOT like that.

You need to speak to a woman's shelter. Your son will be better off going
"from place to place" because if you do NOT get out of this, he will learn to be a "man" from your husband. Or your husband will start abusing HIM as well. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for him.

I didn't get married until I was 30, had my son when I was 39, so you need to stop looking at excuses not to get out of this abusive realtionship Being alone is WAY better then being abused. You are hurting yourself, AND you are hurting your innocent child by staying with this man. GET HELP PLEASE.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

All men are not like that. I am not like that. All my BILs are not like that. All but one of us have been married 35 years or more.

Try and get him to go to counseling. He should be able to overcome these behaviors IF he wants to. He may be having problems at work and is not handling it well and it then influences his behavior at home.

Requests for intimacy should come from both partners. Its always sad when one or the other (husbands or wives) uses sex as a controlling factor in a marriage.

(ETA: Thank you Bug for showing me what I left out.) From the time of my first date with my wife to be, I always treated her like a lady. Because I wanted to marry a lady and because I wanted the mother of my children to be and act like a lady. I wanted my sons to know how to treat their wives and I wanted my daughters to know how they should expect to be treated. I wanted my wife and I to have a kinder, gentler, and more loving marriage than my parents had. Your kids will learn by the examples you and your husband show him what to expect in a marriage. Here is what I do: I tell my wife at least once per day that I love her. I try and find at least one thing per week to thank my wife for doing. (I have gotten better and I usually find 7 things per week to thank her for.) I bring my wife flowers or a "Love you" card at least twice per month. Holidays like Mothers Day don't count as one of the two. My wife and I "celebrate" our anniversary once per month and have since w were married almost 40 years ago. (5 of my 8 kids do the same. 6 of my 8 kids wanted to get married on the 28th of the month so they could celebrate like my wife and I do.) When ever we go someplace, I always open the doors for my wife. My pet names for my wife are "Beautiful" and "My Love".

Good luck to you and yours.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

An abusive home is no place to raise a child. My DH says he left his ex because he wanted his kids to have at least one happy home. I suggest you find a therapist or discuss this with your current one. You need someone who can help you through the process of leaving (or fixing this relationship, if it's fixable) and your new life. Things may not always be easier, but speaking as an adult who had a less than stellar father - I give my mother the utmost respect for having the guts to pull the plug on an abusive marriage. Further, do not discount your own child's needs for therapy and how that can help him navigate his relationship with his father.

Courage is being afraid but doing what needs to be done anyway. I hope you find that courage. You are not alone.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

this is not normal or typical. and even if it were, being single for the rest of your life would be better than this.
do not let your son grow up thinking this is how men are supposed to treat women.
it's not.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Get your affairs in order.
Get an attorney.
Gather your money in a separate account.
Run away. Take your son and go.
Do not look back.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Salt Lake City on

Ask yourself this question - do you want your son to grow up believing that the way your husband treats you is the way a man should treat a woman he loves? Your son is watching and learning.

Please please please gather your courage and leave now.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


No one can make this decision for you. I'm sorry. But I can't tell you what to do. When I was married to my ex-husband who was verbally abusive and a cheater - I was scared to leave. Then I had a light-bulb moment and found the courage inside me to leave. ONLY YOU can make this decision.

I can suggest what you should do.

1. Find a therapist. Just don't get handed meds - you need someone to help you with your coping skills.

2. Get a job. Be able to support yourself and your son.

3. Tell your husband you demand marriage counseling for you both. If he can demand sex, you can demand counseling.

No. Not all men are the same. My husband has NEVER demanded me to have sex with him.

I wish you luck and God Speed. You need to talk with a therapist - not just take meds - you need help in coping skills.


5 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Leave your husband. Now.

You deserve better, and it's your responsibility as a parent to get your child away from this man.

Your husband's behavior is NOT normal, and the vast majority of men are not like this. However, I really recommend that you step back and stop worrying about men and relationships for a while now. You first need to find a safe place to stay. You then need to exercise your legal rights and keep this man away from you and your son. (There are legal clinics that help women with these things for free.) You then need a "team" to get you through this. I really recommend a support group for women leaving abusive relationships. All those things come first.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Get out now. You deserve more. Your son deserves to grow up watching people being respectful to each other. It may be hard at first but in the long run it'll be better for you to be out of a bad situation.

You will be doing a great service to your child. You don't want him growing up thinking yelling, cursing and bullying are ok. Be strong and reach out to friends and family to get out now.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I know you love him, but you REALLY need to get out of this situation immediately.

First of all, he is incredibly rude, condescending, and hurtful to you. He treats you like an object that he owns, not like a partner that he loves. He has no respect for you.

Second of all, his behavior appears to be escalating, which is common. It will continue to get worse.

Third, and probably most importantly, staying in the relationship teaches your children that it's ok to be in an abusive relationship. It's ok to yell and curse at your partner and ok to hit or push them. It's ok to make them do things they don't want to do. It's ok to threaten them if they don't obey you. Is this how you want your son to treat his future wife?

You are the product of an abusive relationship and, unfortunately, didn't have the chance to learn what love is really supposed to be like. You are continuing the cycle. NOW is your chance to break it. Give yourself and your son the chance for a better future.

You're only 29. You won't be single forever. You will find a man who treats you well, respects you, and cares about your feelings. You will find a man who is a good role model for your son. You can be in a happy relationship.

This absolutely isn't normal or good in any way. It won't be easy to move out or to start over, but it's so important to do it. Get yourself and your son out of that house immediately. Go stay with a friend or relative (NOT your own abusive father) until you can move to an apartment of your own. It doesn't have to be glamorous, it just has to be safe and away from your husband.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Lakeland on

As a woman I have always made sacrifices, now that im older, I regret those sacrifices. I live with resentment, regret not to mention the toll on my health. Your still young. Your so brave to ask this question. I too have a husband with a bad temper, he likes to make me feel guilty, to get his way. I have learned to walk away and ignore him, sometimes I just shut down emotionaly. My counselor said I live in what is called "Emotional Pollution" google it and the author is Steve http://compassionpower.com

We live in an erra where you can start over. Women in the 1940" & 1950" had no choice to stay in terrible marriage. There are tons of programs that help women, if you don't have any family help.

Have you thought about what the stress will do to your body?

My daughter's first husband raped her, she divorced him . She married again and this man treats her like a princess, he does and will do anything for her. My father was an a*** to my mother she finally divorced him, then years passed and she found a man that loved her and cared for her, she found her prince.

Get some help

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

This makes me so sad for you and your son. In my opinion, you should leave. You don't want your son thinking that this behavior is normal. And you certainly don't want him growing up and acting the same way. Don't let being single scare you. You need to do what's best for you and your son.

I pray you find the strength to leave and that everything works out for you!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

You need to get out. Whether or not you believe you have the right to be happy, you have an obligation to teach your son what a healthy relationship is. He will grow up to be an abuser without even knowing it, if you stay and teach him that his family is what love looks like. You love him and you want better for him.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

OMG, the man is a MONSTER.
But you need to see that.
And you don't.
You are using the "but I love him....I can't imagine my life without him..." as an excuse.

I really hope, you are TELLING your friends/family, about this.
Because if one day, your Husband harms you... very badly, you will need proof and help, to escape.
I really hope, you also have the.... courage... to call the Cops on him, if you need to.

And, your son... is being affected by ALL of this.
One day, your son may become JUST like his Dad. And then become an Abuser as well... and do this to his, Girlfriend or Wife, one day.
How can you let... that happen?
How can you let... your Husband do this to you? How can you let.... yourself be treated worse than a dog?
How can you... allow your son... to be.... damaged by all of this?
How can you... allow your son.... to see that his Mommy... is just.... a doormat, and does not defend herself?

Your Husband is an evil Monster.
But you are.... allowing it to happen.
And you are, your Husband's puppet.
Just an object he is using, for his own, whims.
He is not treating you as a human.
You are just his tool.
For his... highly dysfunctional, and sadistic... behavior.
And you are being, emotionally raped. And physically.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Dear D.,

There is a wonderful organization in NYC called Safe Horizon. Their website is www.safehorizon.org

Please get in touch with them and let them help you sort out what to do and how to do it. Don't try to go through this alone. As a therapist, I've helped many women in abusive relationships. You took a huge first step reaching out for help here. Please take the next step and reach out to those who can help you the best. Feel free to write me a private message here if I can be of any further help. I promise to keep you and your family in my prayers!


4 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

Break the cycle Mama! You can do this! Get some professional help to clarify for yourself what is a healthy relationship and then settle for nothing else.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

An abusive relationship is NOT OK. It is not even OK with the excuse "to keep a family" or "to give my child a home".
Yes, D., there are good men, and good relationships, there are plenty of good people, but if you decide to end this relationship, do not run and give your heart to the first man you find, after you make a decision, you have to give yourself time to heal and settle down and then be open for another relationship, otherwise you will end in another abusive relationship.
Again IT IS NOT okey to be in the kind of relationship you are in right now. It is not healthy for yourself and very harmful for your son. You are very young, you have time to live a better live, and show your son that a home is a home with respectful and lovable people.
Find someone you can trust (relative, good friend, etc) and ask for help to get out of there. It won't get better, it will escalate to something worse.
Take care of yourself, pray and act fast.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Wow. I'm sorry.

I think I would make every attempt to change my marriage.
O. I was SURE he could/would not change, then I would leave with my child.

It would really bother me to be manipulated like that.
And, I would say no, not all men are like that.

You know, you can feel love for people that are just not healthy for you.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are way too young and you the fact that you are writing this means that you know it is wrong and you deserve better. A marriage is filled with love affection and comfort and you once in awhile disagreements. But using your child as a wepon against you is wrong.

The best time to go i s now, there are so many men outthere that will love you, but you will need to learn to love yourself first before you can search for true love. Leave and take your son so that he will not learn from that man!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

Never stay in a relationship like this! You are worth it! And , your son is too! Do you want to teach your son that this type of behavior is acceptable? There are beautiful relationships out there! I have been through this and would never stand for this now especially if I had a son that was learning this from both parents- him for doing it and you for accepting it! Be strong and put you & your child first always!



answers from Minneapolis on

Hi. I wanted to respond to this because I, too, have been in a very controlling and degrading relationship such as this. The only problem is that I haven't left him yet. We have been married for 8 years now and I can tell you that it doesn't get better as time goes on.
My husband has outbursts of anger if we can't be together for a few days because of my period. He works the night shift, so there are a couple of days that we can't be together and it sets him off. Anything can set him off now.
Don't stay in it just for your son. Actually, get out of it now even if only for his sake. You will need to get help too, to realize how to heal yourself and not fall back into another abusive relationship.
I hope you call a women's shelter. Get the strength of experienced people that can protect you and guide you through this process.
You might think he will change and stop doing this, but he won't. He just might change his way of controlling and abusing you, but it won't go away without help. And for the sake of your child, your husband will need help too.
Good luck and God bless



answers from Monroe on

Think ; is this someone you want your son modeling after?? He is likely to repeat behavior he is taught by his father which is being abusive. With you staying and not doing anything about it, you are teaching him it's accepted and ok. Don't worry about being alone, if that's your only reason. Your 29, your still young and being alone is NO REASON to stay in a relationship abusive or not. Good luck!

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