Worried About Friend's Marriage. Should I Intervene?

I was just like her after my daughter was born. I did see counseling. I had postpardom depretion very bad. The best thing that helped me was that my friends told me the were concerned for my health and my family. It went from yelling at my husband to yelling at my baby girl and then others.
Be a great friend and take her aside and talk to her about it. Good luck keep me posted

YES! She needs HELP. I have no doubt it is a mix of PPD and sleep deprivation. Been there - and I was like that too. Offer to babysit, help her get some rest, and she should go see her OB!

Wow, what a tough situation! The thing that jumped out at me as you described your friend's behavior was Postpartum Depression. Especially since you mentioned that she has had anxiety issues in the past. PPD is more complex than people think and presents in many different ways (it's not just being "sad"). As someone who suffered from this with my first child, I can say that things that might seem "simple" to others was often very stressful and anxiety producing for me at the time. She could be manifesting these feelings in the way you described.

A suggestion for a positive way to approach the situation with your friend: find a time to get together with her alone and mention the weekend with some nonjudgemental comments, "you didn't seem yourself this weekend" or "you seemed really stressed...how are you doing?

That shows that your are concerned about her without critisizing her behavior and will give her an opportunity to talk about it. If she does have PPD she will be very emotional and oversensitive. She also may be very critical of herself both as a mother and a wife and feel like a "failure". Keep this in mind as you approach this. (going with the PPD assumption again) there are many resources out there-support groups, visiting moms that will come to your house, and therapists that specialize in this area. One big issue is actually getting out to a therapist and managing child care-dealing with these (even actually finding the therapist) can seem "impossible" tasks for some PPD moms and any help to faclitate evaluation/treatment from friends and family might be neccessary.

Sorry to run on but this is one of my "soap box" subjects. I was a pedi ICU nurse for several years, also have been around/cared for babies young kids for years and thought that this would adequately prepare me for motherhood. It was such a shock when I experiensed PPD and it took me a long time to come to terms with it-delaying getting help. Looking back from "the other side" of this experience gives some perspective:)

All that being said, there could be some other reason for her behavior and perhaps there pieces of this puzzle that you are not aware of that would explain the situation. Good luck!

What a tough situation. I think your friend definitely needs some help and definitely seems to be suffering from some PPD. I think because you are her friend, if you approach the situation in the right way she will hopefully not think you are attacking her. I think you could say after the weekend you just spent with her you have some concerns about how she is doing- tell her you know how hard it is to be a mom and ask her if things are tough/stressful right now. If she is open to the recommendation it sound like a therapist could be a HUGE help right now. I had quite a bit of anxiety for the first 10 mo. or so after my first daughter was born. I saw a counselor who was a HUGE help- mostly just in validating my feelings as a new mom who used to work and was now at home, and struggling with the challenges and frustrations...I also eventually went on a small amount of an anti-anxiety med. for a short time- both helped. Good luck.

This sounds like postpartum depression. The name is misleading, because it usually manifests as anger and stress, not sadness. Another thing to consider is that although all the doctors will tell you that it shows up by 6 months postpartum, thats not always true, so your friend being 8 months postpartum doesn't rule it out. She should seek out counseling, for her own sanity and the harmony of her family. However, unless you are VERY close with her, and taking her current state into account, you probably don't want to say anything to her. She will feel as though she is being attacked. She needs to come to this realization herself or possibly from her husband.

YES!! please say something. I would just start by saying that you noticed how stressed she is and that you are concerned about her and her health and know that it isn't easy being a new mom with all the pressures, hormone changes, etc. etc. But what you witnessed was not normal reactions to anxiety, stress, fear etc, but made you uncomfortable and worried for her. She may not even realize how she is lashing out on people and taking it out on her husband. Hormones can do crazy things to people. She may just need some anti-anxiety medication, some counseling, or anger management, or even yoga, and you need to let her know that she isn't acting herself. Everyone goes through ups and downs in their life due to either outside forces or (death, job loss etc.) or medically like hormones, thyroid problems, seasonal affective disorder, stress of being a new mom). She needs to know that she isn't alone and that she can feel better if she acknowledges it and gets some help, not only for her husband's sake but for her own sake.

depression can express itself as rage. Postpartum depression?

Wow...what a truly awful experience! We went through something very similar where we stayed with friends and the husband was extremely verbally abusive. I spoke up (I could not stand watching her be belittled a second longer.) During the stay it was fine, she felt very supported. After the stay is a very different story. She insisted I told her to leave her marriage (not true...I told her to go to a marriage counselor and even tried to help her find a counselor). Even though I have known her for an extremely long time and we were even in each other's weddings it has taken a LONG time to try and get back to where we were. After 3 years we are still not there yet.

They proceeded to have another child and I honestly don't think he will ever change. Now having 3 kids I don't think she will ever leave him.

Long story short...our relationship is still fractured, just because I spoke up and wanted to help. I know you want to do what is best for your friend, but unless people are physically getting abused (like the baby), it might be best to just take a step back.

Good luck with everything!

ps. I just now read all the other responses...and if it is pospartum then you probably should find a way to say something. Just tread lightly! Maybe even talk with her husband first. I wish you lots of luck...don't get stuck in the middle!!!

Hi R.,
I agree with those that mention post-pardom depression, and possibly she's always suffered from some type of depression or anxiety. She does seem to need help, so I'd mention that to her. I'd keep the conversation away from her marriage and focus it more on her own health.

If you can, offer your help and support with the baby or the house while she's going through counseling or anything like that. It might help. Also encourage her to talk to her husband about her feelings.

Good luck! She's lucky to have a friend like you. :-)

I agree with others about talking to her. I would definitely consider the option that it is postpartum depression. Untreated, it could certainly still be going on even though the baby is 8 months old and it can manifest in many different ways. I would make sure the two of you are alone when you talk (baby out with daddy would be best).

Good luck.

I understand you being worried about your friend, and it sounds like you need to be. But before you say anything you should consider if you are willing to risk your friendship. Saying anything critical may just end it. My suggestion is to try to be really supportive to her. I know right now you probably just want to shake her and tell her how awful she is to her husband, but she may just really need someone to vent some frustrations to and is taking it all out on him. If you could get her to open up about where her agressive behavior is coming from by being a shoulder to cry on, then maybe you can make some helpful suggestions without her feeling that she is being attacked. She could be blaming him (without realizing it)for their financial situation or for putting her in the position of being on-call-24-hours-a-day by making her a mother (even though I am sure she loves her baby). Her behavior may be linked to a hormonal change too. Whatever the cause, she could probably benefit from seeing a counselor or psychiatrist. Since you are a nurse, maybe you could find out if there is someone she could talk to where you work before you talk to her so that you can have a name and number ready to give her. Just be careful not to seem like you are judging her, because that will make her less likely to open up to you. (I learned this lesson the hard way). She may not realize what a "wifezilla" she is being and needs to see you being really kind to your husband to see the error of her ways.

I hope it goes well!
A. G.

Hi there!
Have you asked her if she was o.k. and if something was going on? Maybe thats how you can approach her instead of an "intervention" she may feel attacked and that could damage your relationship. If she won't talk maybe a talk with her hubby would help figure this out. Sounds like a very awkward situation but you just never know what could be going on behind closed doors or it may just be a rough patch for them. You sound like a good friend I'm sure they appreciate you!

Hi R.,

I agree with the two responses before me, only two I read. YES! POST PARTUM DEPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES! Talk to her and her husband. Her health needs help. She'll feel so much better. Been there. Every little thing is bothersome. She needs 1. Sleep, 2. Help around the house and with the baby, 3. Better nutrition, and 4. to see her physician/OBGYN - whomever she sees - and counselor. She needs stress relief. She's experiencing a lot from her burned-out brain and body. It can be dangerous and fatal if not dealt with - she might hurt herself or her baby or both.

My stress was increased by my food intolerances. Stress on the immune system puts stress on the brain. Make sure she's getting plenty of B vitamins, vitamin D, omega-3 fats, calcium, magnesium, and other minerals.

You are a good friend!!!!!!!!!! Good for you!!!!!!!!!! (She might not like what you say at first, but if she gets better, she'll thank you for it. She's not herself right now.)

Good luck,
: ) Maureen

Hi R.,

If she is indeed a dear friend, then your friendship can likely handle some honesty. Preface the conversation with a lot of reassurances that you care for her and can see they're at a very difficult time in their lives. That you can relate, having been in the new baby years yourselves and know how physically, mentally and even spiritually exhausting it all is. Assure her that "this too shall pass" with time, but that you're concerned her anger may destroy their marriage. We're all scared as new parents that we'll do something (or everything!) wrong. Encourage her to let her husband forge his own relationship with this happy baby, even if he does things differently than she would. If she continues to dominate so aggressively, he'll eventually pull back from parenting and it will be him and the child who lose, and she'll be left holding the bag doing everything by herself or cursing others to do them. Maybe steer her to join a play group or parenting support group to learn how others make it work. Or Mamasource if nothing else! Those early parenting years are the hardest on a marriage for sure, she's not alone. Ask her to look through the lens of compassion each time before she opens her mouth : ) A tall order, I know, but at least trying will steer them in the right direction. A good heart-to-heart with her husband would be a good place to start. They may need to divvy up the household chores a bit more to give her a break.

Good luck, this isn't an easy subject to approach with anyone but you're a good friend for wanting to try!

Hello - I only had a chance to skim quickly over others' responses. When reading your post the first thing that came to my mind was postpartum depression. Suggesting to your friend that she seek out a therapist to help her vent some of the anger and anxiety could be helpful. There is also room for suggesting both individual and couples counseling. How to present this to your friend? Well, that takes love, tact, and respect. Even if she chooses to abandon the friendship, for your saying something to her, she will eventually realize you said something because you care about her and her family.
On another note, with the birth of my first child A LOT of "family of origin" issues came up unexpectedly. It took some time(years)for me to realize what was happening. I wish I had had a close friend to help me sort out feelings and reflect on my actions. Sometimes people don't realize or have the objectivity to "see" just how damaging their words and actions may be. As an addendum, I was never a proponent of medication, and still use caution when presented with "medicating". What I did find for myself... I decided to take the advice of a physician and a therapist. I started with a low dose antidepressant that helps with anxiety and premenstral symptoms as well as being used for depression. I told myself I would give it 4 months to see if it helped, then I could make a different decision if I felt the need. For me, it was unbelievable the relief I found, 6-8 weeks down the road(The first day was really weird, but I kept with it). I did not know it could be this different. I have found peace where angst once lived. It has allowed me to continue with my individual therapy and to grow as an individual. It has also helped me to really strive for and be the healthy, loving, guiding parent and role model that I want to be.
If it helps in communicating with your friend and it seems appropriate, you are welcome to share this post with her. Remember to approach your friend, and the situation, with compassion and empathy. I wish you the best.

If she is your dear friend you can talk to her about how she is doing (not treating her husband) - sounds like she has post partum depression to me. I experienced it in the same way - an angry, out of sorts way - not the crying, I don't like my baby kind of way. If she is not your dear friend then I would leave that to her and her husband.

When I first read the title of your question my answer was, "no way!", then I read the full question and I really feel bad for you! You are in a tough spot here! Chances are that when you speak to your friend it is going to go over like a lead balloon, but it needs to be done. I am all for minding my own business and staying out of people's problems, but this is different! Your friend sounds ill and she needs a "real friend" right now whether she realizes it or not. I think you should sit down with her and tell her how difficult it is for you to talk to her about this, but tell her you are really concerned for how overwhelmed she seems. You could even fib a little and tell her that you went through a tough time after you had your child (I think we all do to some extent). Sometimes, feeling like "your not the only one" will give her the courage to take that first step and speak with somebody.
I'm willing to bet that behind closed doors her husband has tried to discuss this with her on more than one occasion. Maybe having a third party approach her is what she needs to finally see the truth! If she gets mad and it puts a strain on your relationship then that's a shame. But it is well worth it to do the right thing. I'm sure her husband will be thankful also. One thing...Don't speak with her husband about it. She needs to trust you and if she feels like you are ganging up on her and that you are in on it together then she is going to feel more than betrayed! It's all how you approach it. Good luck!

Hi R.,

i agree with Liz (previous posting). To not say anything would be the biggest strain on your friendship. And also: what is friendship for, if not for helping each other?

Sounds like you like her and she is a real friend (otherwise you wouldn't be so concerned, right?). I would make that the basis of how you speak to her. When you have love and respect, it will probably be easier for her to hear you. I am sure she would love to be a "better" mom and wife. She may really welcome the opportunity to share her feelings and frustrations. If she gets the chance to speak her mind and heart, she will be more open to suggenstions and your critical observations. Finally i would like to caution that she may look like she is to blame for their marital trouble, but she may just be more visible in her contribution. I am trying to say: there are many ways in which a partner can let the other down. She takes it out loud and clear. But that has advantages, too, doesn't it? At least she confronts it. Maybe she would love nothing better than a good, connected debate with her husband. Maybe she feels he is shying away from the family, and he is letting her down (even if he isn't).

I think it is great that you care.

Good luck!
D.

I agree with the previous responses that you should try to talk to your friend, in as nonjudgmental ways as possible, preferably when she is feeling calm, and perhaps when the baby is napping or something. It might be good to give her an opportunity to vent first. You might mention that you noticed she was visibly stressed while on your weekend away and let her talk. If a marriage is stressed to begin with, bringing a baby into it can push it over the edge. Even without hormonal issues, you feel pushed to the limit, just from the expectations of being a mother, not to mention the 24X7 responsibility of caring for a child. And there may be other issues. Just because a man is mild-mannered and nice while others are around doesn't mean he is the perfect husband. I'm not excusing her for melting down, but that could be her way of communicating, while he is "shutting down" and refusing to communicate. I have seen this scenario a lot - my parents had it. My mother would get upset, would get angry at my dad, my dad would just visibly disappear. He'd be there, but in some different place in his mind. And this would enrage my mother because she felt he wasn't hearing her or listening to her problem or caring about her. Of course she should have approached it differently, but she would get a little upset, then my dad would shut down and it would escalate as a result. One other thing, I would suggest counseling for your friend. This might uncover other reasons for her anger and for managing it better, regardless of the state of her marriage. It would be best for her and her baby to resolve this sooner than later.

I am an outspoken person, not very diplomatic. Never been known for silence.
If I saw a friend acting as yours does I would speak up, ask her what is troubling her that she should so berate her husband in front of their child.
Ask her what is she thinking to act like this?
In front of husband, yes. Poor dear , he probably needs some edification and support in this situation.
Let her melt down and cry. Sounds like she needs a couple good bawling sessions.
WHen home go and talk to her. Tell her you are very concerned about her state of mind.
Its a bit late for postpartum depression I should think, but it is a possibility perhaps.
Was she like this before marriage? How long have you known her?
Problems , yes, we all have them constantly. But when a husband and wife pull apart instead of pulling together they usually get nowhere except a divorce court.
Problems are a part of life always. NOT a good reason to break up a marriage or family. Ask her if that is what she wants? To break up her family, cause that is what will happen if she does not get help.
Sounds like she may have some issues that require clinical and medical help.
See if you can encourage her to see someone who can help her. And be blunt, tell her she needs help, if you did not care for her you would not care about this at all.
A true friend will confront the difficult issues and help to get their friend sorted out.
Not a pleasant situation but never the less one that comes up now and again in life.
Very best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

That' a tough question. If you intervein too much she may feel like she's being attacked.
Since you are concerned about her and how she treats her husband maybe the two of you can go out one night for dinner and you can ask her how she's doing.
Has she changed since having the baby? Is she working?
When you talk to her I'ld say that you noticed while you were away together that she seemed a little stressed about taking care of the baby and maybe ask how she is enjoying motherhood. Maybe say that she seemed to doubt her skills in caring for the baby(and that would be why she critized her husband so much) or maybe she's overprotective.
Some people are natural caregivers and can take care of children like they've done it their whole lives, Others doubt their every move and it takes awhile for them to get into a good routine to feel confident and to trusts others o take care of their child.
Has her husband said anything about her behavior?
I wish you the best with talking to your friend.

It sounds to me like your friend ha an undisgnosed case of post partum depression. Perhaps you could approach her gently in privacy and explain that you are concerned for her and for her families wellbeing. Encourage her to see a doctor and get help for the sake of her family. It may be hard for her to hear or admit but she probly knows that something is wrong. I wish you and your friend the best of luck with this difficult issue!

I have not ever been in such a situation but it sounds terrible. I feel really bad for both you & your friend. I agree with the first bunch of posts who suggested you speak to her and that it may well sound like PPD. I also agree there could be more to it that was visible.

Since you also have a child and surely went through some rough patches early on as a relatively new mother, perhaps you could open the conversation by referring to an experience of yours? Like, "oh spending time with you this weekend really brought back some memories of how hard it was for me when X was little. I had such a hard time between the sleep deprivation and balancing work/motherhood and often felt like nobody understood. My husband was always trying to help but it took me awhile to learn that his way, though different, was perfectly fine and accept his help. I want to let you know I am here for you if you'd like to talk".

I guess the danger to that approach is she may not take the bait, but if she does it may open her up for a real conversation about what is going on.