Will It Ever Be Better?

I have been there and done that. I have been married to my husband for 6years and we have a "blended" family. My 2 and his 1. When I first got together with him he had custody. And his son started calling me Mommy almost from day one because his real mom had very little to do with him. Over the course of 2 years I watched as my husband allowed his ex to come and go as she pleased with their son. I had heard it had been like that all along. He only wanted to keep the peace and make his son happy. When she finally saw that her son had no interest in her, She started acting like a mom. And he (my stepson) started loving her and wanting to be with her. But, here's how we got it to where she quite coming and doing whatever whenever. I put my foot down and told my husband either you take your son's emotional health seriously or I'm gone. He laid the ground rules. You follow the visitation or you don't see him. These are the terms and I won't budge. If on occasion you want to see him when it isn't your turn then we will talk about it. My stepson benefited from this. He got to the point that he KNEW when it was time to visit mom. It gave him stability and he grew to love her so much more. I know that it is harsh and that it is drastic. But, my stepson still remembers that I was the one that was there for him the most when he needed me the most. He was 4 at that time and now is 10. To this day, I am still his Mommy. And I never wanted to take her place. He knows who is real Mommy is and in fact is now living with her.

As for the speaking bad of you, your husband needs to let her know that this is only damaging their child. He needs to tell her that it will not be tolerated any longer. I know that at first it will cause more problems. But, in the longer run it will settle down.

Your husband definitely needs to set boundaries and limit conversations with her to the topic of thier child only. If she starts even talking about you, he needs to stop her and remind her of the boundary. If there is an agreement in place, I would suggest letting her know that for the sake of the child's adjustment, you need to stick to it, at least for a while. After that period, if things work out, if something comes up-you guys can switch. If she has plans, she should bring the baby back to you guys, not some sitter. All of this is about what is best for the baby, not you, your husband or the ex. Good Luck!!!

My church is forming a ministry for blended families, and I voiced your dilemma to my friend who is the ministry coordinator. She sent me this response: "You could suggest she get the book: 'The Smart Step-Family', by Ron Deal right NOW. I just glanced thru and immediately found some wisdom for that very situation in chapters 6 & 11. No joke".
My friend also forwarded your question to another blended family couple in our church, to see if she has any ideas to offer. Will let you know her response.

C. S.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you are dealing with someone that a 'talk' will help. But.. you have to try. Sounds like your hubby needs to set those boundaries. He should tell her that there are certain things that she can talk to him about and other things that are strictly off limits... one of which is you! If she has something to say, she should say it to YOU and only ONLY YOU.
I wish I had better advice, but I'm dealing with my own pain in the arse.... and can't for the life of me figure out how to fix it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a Christian...haha... that was a joke!

I will remind her in a mature way that she can not control things at your house and if anything need to be changed to give your husband or you a 1 day notice to see if it's okay. Both of you need to stick to these rules, be consistant.

Let her know that whatever is said behind your back gets back to you and you would appreciate it if she would not speak negative about you in front of the children. Let her know in the meeting that you are there now and whatever bad feelings she has towards you can be said in the open to you now.

Let your husband know that when he puts up with her speaking negatively about you that lets his ex-wife know it's okay to say those things. He must support you.

T.

Word of advice I have been dealing with baby momma drama for 7 years tell your hubby your point of view and let him set it straight to her she will take it better from him

Here's my advice, make the little boy happy. If she wants to leave him with you and your husband, then take him. He is better off with you than a sitter anyway. Children love the people who care for him. Never say no to keeping him. As far as the xwife bad mouthing you, that approach needs to be very civil and indiffernt. When she starts to say something negative, just have your husband say something like, "hey I've got a call coming in" or "someone's at the door" and let her go. She will eventually catch one and not bring up negative comments. Talking about things allows for misunderstandings, misquotings, etc. If you sit down to talk to her it is giving her an opportunity to push your buttons. Don't talk to her. Keep her as far from your family as possible. Good luck!

unfortunately i don't have any advice, i've never been in this situation, and GOD willing, i never will...i just wanted to let you know that i'll be praying for you...keep the faith! as long as your lines of communication are open with GOD, he'll let you know what you need to do...remember, HE never gives you anything HE knows you can't handle!

HI M.! I have lived this for years. It has finally gotten a little better but my step-son is now 14. He came to live with me and my husband about 2 yrs ago now. Is the ex remarried? I know that helped a little in our situation. I have been through it all - talking, court, etc. The problem is you can't change someone else. Unfortunately you are in a hard situation. I finally had to just let my husband handle her me not talk to her. At least you are there for the child and I think you watching him when she has to do her thing is much better than a babysitter. We did not have that chance because my husband's ex is in Mississippi. The child ended up being left alone talking to someone on the phone as a babysitter so she could run to the store, etc. If you need to vent or want to talk about it I am here. Call me if you feel like it - ###-###-####. (I am from Pearland, but live on the North side of town now.)

Somebody needs to put there foot down and tell her that her dates are the dates she gets her son on! & thats it! if she threatens you or anyone else, maybe ya'll need to go back to court and get this really taken care of!!!......
& too call for babysitting, sounds like she is trying to get
too close to ya'lls family if you ask me!
My cousin gets her daughter every 7 days, and then the dad gets her every 7 days, thats how they wanted it set up to be, they both agreed to that! and they have no problems.

B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S. People know yours only if you are clear on what they are. Holding out the branch of peace is good. Letting her stomp all over it as she makes herself comfortable doing what she wants is another. And if the boundaries from house to house aren't clear, it makes not only you uncomfortable, it makes the kids uncomfortable. Not to mention your husband, who is probably happy you aren't fighting with his ex, but may not be happy that she now feels like she can do whatever she wants. It's time to have a heart-to-heart. No insults, no innuendoes, and tact and timing are critical. Normally, the person who has the problem should be the one who does the confronting, but in this case, I suggest that your husband be the one to tell her she's taking advantage of you guys. Why? You're regarded as the peacemaker in this family. You're neutral territory. Your husband, on the other hand, has had a long and volatile history with her. If she gets a little miffed with him, it's nothing new; they will get over it, and you still will be the peacemaker. If she and you are on the outs, your peacemaking days are over, and as a result, your family will be back to step one. Decide with your husband what your boundaries are and lay them out for her. For this particular issue, your husband should take the lead. Important note: He should not blame it on you.

Good luck. And remember to pray without ceasing! God has worked wonders in my own life.

No one can ever tell you what to do because each situation is different..........some times we have to live with a situation till we can convince our sons and or daughters to solve the problem between you and the girl......... my suggestion is to climb on your sons back and force him to get in gear....and discuss the problem with the girl....... you were not married to her your son was......... no quit,,,,,,,trying to run the show........ live a little let your son take his own responsiablity............ and you have some fun for a change

Hi M.,

In answer to your question in the subject line let me say yes, but only if you determine in your heart and mind to use this whole situation as a means to grow personally yourself. I speak from experience.

You have a lot of years ahead of you to deal with this if your stepson is very young at this point. It can look very daunting to you to think you'll have to deal with this for such a long time. So, having said that, just as in any other situation, take one day at a time.

Start each day remembering that your stepson is a unique person with qualities that has been placed in your daily care for whatever reason. Although you aren't his mother you are the daily "hand that rocks the cradle" in his life. Think about the people that were in your life that have made a positive impact on you.

Determine to BE a positive impact on the life of not only your stepson, but also your own child. Set an example for them by determining to and being as positive as you possibly can each day one day at a time, sometimes you'll have to break it down to moment-to-moment.

If you question whether or not you have it within you to be positive, pray for guidance and a change of heart in you. You can't change other people, but you CAN change yourself and overcome that which is fired at you emotionally and mentally.

Search your heart for the right way to deal with situations and circumstances you are able to anticipate. In other words, be proactive with your emotions, not reactive. Your human and therefore, there will be times when you won't be successful with your efforts, but DON'T stop striving to be the best person YOU can be. Keep working at it so YOU, too, can benefit from the whole experience over the long haul.

He is your husband's child and most likely has many of the qualities you first saw in your husband when you fell in love with him. Of course, yes, he is also the x-wife's child. Respect that for the sake of your stepson. That's who he is and he wouldn't be who he is if not for both your husband AND his x-wife.

NEVER badmouth her EVEN if she does you that way. What goes around comes around. You'll know in your heart that YOU are on the right track because you have refrained from saying something that isn't nice and could have an ill effect on your stepson's perception of himself and/or of you as a person.

There will be times when you will feel as though no matter how well you behave yourself it isn't having a positive effect on your stepson. Mark my words, it is. You will see the fruit of your efforts as he grows and matures and your relationship with him bonds and solidifies.

As for what to say to her when you all meet on Saturday, I can't really advise you specifically on that because I'm not sure exactly what you plan to discuss. However, put YOUR best foot forward and let her know you WANT the best for everyone involved and request that somehow you all behave like adults and respect each other if for no other reason but your stepson's benefit. He needs positive role models.

I wish you the best and will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

A.