Why? Why Do Men Have to Be So Different?

Move the clock ahead 20 minutes so when you set it for him for 7:30 in reality it is only 7:10. In his exhausted state he will never know the difference.

Don't have much advice... I have issues with mine not performing his dad & husband duties because of 'his needs'.

how did one get to school but the other didn't?
khairete
confused S.

Well, I had a few thoughts when I read your post:

1. If getting the kids to school on time was his JOB, he'd either be fired or be required to make it happen.
2. Taking over a slacker's failed duties is never a real solution (yet as women, I think that's often our first thought -- "Oh, I'LL Just do it <the right way!>)
I would be super, SUPER ticked off if my husband was taking MY second grader to school late on a regular basis!

The O. time I left the house early for work and relied on him (day off) to get our son to school--guess why they missed the bus? Yep--they were playing Wii! Grrrrrrr......

Your husband has to be aware that it is HIS responsibility to do this task. Consistently. Kids can't just keep getting tardies. And they shouldn't be made to feel that they have to cover for dad! So wrong on so many levels!

Trying to fix someone else I've found doesn't work. I have an issue with my husband not locking up behind himself. I don't go out the garage door all day, yet I find it left unlocked. Leave things how you find them! Not a hard concept. I've come to the conclusion, after being told my demands on my husband for personal responsibility are over the top, to take responsibility for him as if he were a child.

As for your particular situation. I would take an hour from your work each morning to make sure they kids are at school on time, and try to cut expenses somewhere to make up the loss. It could be a double bonus if what you cancel is also what's keeping your husband up so late so that he neglects taking his kids to school on time. If he's up late watching TV cut the cable. When he asks why, say you are now taking responsibility for dropping the kids off at school. In order for you to take this new responsibility, you had to take a cut in pay, which means a house luxury must be cut.

If he wants that luxury back, he can be a grown up and straighten up and fly right. Then you can go back to working your extra hours and start paying for the cable again.

This is a YOUR man thing. Not all of us our married to lazy child-like "men." That's what this comes down to. He is lazy and acting like a child.
He's tired, because he stays up. He wakes up late, because he's lazy and would rather sleep then make his children a priority. If he can't handle responsibility, then it needs to somehow be taken from him. How sad!! Can you carpool? I'm sure someone else would care more about your children being on time, then their own father.

I just read your "So What Happened" and honestly your husband needs to get his a*s in gear. No one is entitled to "me time", especially if it means your children are consistently late to school.

School is not "almost over", it's only mid-April. He needs to get her to school ON TIME every day. Lost instructional time is far more important than a class picture. Being 15 minutes late every day will add-up, especially when you consider that those first minutes are typically the only time during the day to do "routine" things like lunch count, turn in homework and catch up on other assignments. By middle school, she's missing half of her first period every morning.

Forget the class picture issue b/c it's just a symptom of a bigger problem. Your daughter will probably toss that picture in 20 years when she finds it at the bottom of a drawer. Please don't call the school about this b/c it was not their error. If their class was scheduled for "first thing" and your daughter was on time, there would have been no issue. This is YOUR husband's issue to deal with and if he doesn't, the school will be involved soon enough.

I've been the one "sending" those attendance letters. They go into files and are reviewed by each teacher, principal and counselor that your child will encounter. Change the behavior patterns now or you'll have a major issue in a few years.

I think you need some "me time". NEVER EVER! You are overreacting. If you want a photo of your daughter's class you or your husband can go to school and let the teacher know you would like to take picture. But if you don't get a picture, that would not scar your child for life.

Your husband should NOT have involved your children in your argument about being late....that was wrong and immature.

Other then the late issue, how's your marriage. Does he stay up late to avoid you? Are you able to have a good conversation with him to let him know how you feel without yelling at each other?

How often are the girls late to school? Has it affected their grades? If you went in at 8 AM instead of 7 AM, would your husband be able to work an extra hour? Would you and your girls be better off without him?

Blessings.....

okay really how old is your husband? It sounds like someone needs to sit down with him and have a grown up talk. It is not good for the kids to be rushing around all morning before school it makes the rest of thier day crazy, kids need a schedule every morning. You husband needs to grow up and become the parent or take on another job so you can be there with the kids.

My husband stays up late too, gets up late in the morning, rushes around trying to get ready and our children ready for school. It's annoying but my husband gets them to school on time. Hmmm...maybe you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that his irresponsibility is teaching the children how to be irresponsible too. Maybe it will wake him up to the reality that children learn from what we do. If all else fails, if it were me, I'd put my foot down and start enforcing him to wake up earlier....I'm sorry I do not have more to add. I would be upset too.

My husband works 4:00pm-3:00am…YUCK. As a result, I have to work 6:00-2:30, so I can pick my kids up from school. It is my husbands responsibility to get the kids up at 7:00 and drive them to school at 8:00. This means at MOST, he gets 3.5 hours a sleep if he walk in the door and falls asleep immediately…this rarely happens for him. It's tuff to get the broken sleep, but it's life. He HAS to take them to school and he does it every day on time. Not trying to say he's a super star, but just saying it can be done.
If this has happened once or twice, I would address it with my husband, but would let it go after that. IF it continues to happen, I would consider getting the school involved. Maybe you can have the Admin call your husband and say the kids have been late 3 times in one semester and such and such is going to happen if they are late again. I think a lot of our nagging goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe if the school can jump in it will help.

As for the picture, I would be upset too. But how often do you look at your 2nd grad photo? If that's the worst thing that happens to your daughter, life is good.

I wonder the same thing all the time. Like when we are going somewhere, while he is showering I will get our daughter ready, pack her diaper bag, things of that sort. That way when is ready we can go ahead and leave. But when the situation is reversed, he hardly ever does that for me. So one day, when we were already behind schedule, I come out of the shower and he is watching TV while our daughter is still running around in PJ's and no bag packed. I was fuming, "You DO realize we have to leave in five minutes right?" I started to get her stuff ready, throwing things in and such. You should have seen him scramble to get her dressed. I think that he realized how angry I was and has been better about it. About the telling the kids it's their fault for getting him in trouble, I would have turned to the kids and said, "You didn't get daddy in trouble, DADDY got daddy in trouble." I would start waking him up when you get up, if he can't do it on his own. I imagine he will change his tune pretty quick.

How frustrating. I would be totally annoyed at wasting the money on the class picture as well.

I had a similar issue with my husband not too long ago. He works outside the home 8 am to 6 pm and I work full time from home and do half my shift in the morning and half when he gets home at night. Mornings have been hell for me lately. The kids are always running behind no matter how early we get up, and I am supposed to be working in the morning so it is really hard to both work and get them ready. My kids were late for school a few times and they were always forgetting homework, backpacks, lunches, jackets. Finally I snapped and sat my husband down and said, "Listen, I need the following from you: YOU are in charge of cleaning up after dinner every night. I already do 2-3 loads of dishes each day. I am always behind if I have to take care of last night's dishes as well. YOU are in charge of making sure the girls have a bath each night. There is not enough hot water or time for everyone to bathe in the morning. YOU are in charge of making sure the kid's homework is in their backpacks and their backpacks and jackets are next to the garage door."
Well, he was pretty pissy about it, I won't lie. He acted really put-out and picked on that first night, like "Oh, I had these grand plans to play video games all night and now I have to *gasp* take care of my children!" But ya know what, he dropped the attitude after a day and has taken care of my "list" every night since then. It did help that I thanked him every time and told him how much easier it made my day. I think it helps him to see how less crabby I am.
I would not suggest cutting your hours. I would just be resentful of my husband if I had to do that. And you should not have to be worrying about what is going on at the house when you are working. So sit him down and tell him this. I think if he sees how important this issue is, he will try harder. Present him as "this is part of your job" and remind him of the letter you received from the school. Good luck-

Edit- oooh Nicole I love your answer. Cutting expenses ie the tv so you can stay home that hour and get the kids to school is INGENIOUS!

Thank you for your post, it reminded me, though not necessary, how critical is our role as moms in raising boys into men. Given the general lack of good example by the daddys (men themselves obvioulsy), it's on us to create the foundations for future MANHOOD. A rare species nowadays...ugh. Good luck with raising your husband, if it's of any solace, you are not alone (and you will get good results, I am sure, don't give up!).

2 problems here:

1) Even if you were taking the kids to school, there would be days where you got them there late. Guaranteed.

2) Some of us are not morning people. For YEARS I got up at o'dark'thirty in order to take care of my son. As he's gotten older I've gotten to go back onto a schedule that works for ME. Not my perfect schedule... but a working schedule. WHEN a person CAN go to sleep is different for some people. My best friend has been trying to YEARS to stay up to midnight... but it makes her miserable, cranky, and she just feels "off". She's a morning person. She need to be in bed by 9pm and she's up at 4-5am. I'm often going TO bed at 4 and getting up at 9am. She gets a whole whopping 2-3 more hours of sleep than I do, but I get the cracks about being lazy. Um. Simple math. She exercises in the morning, I exercise at night. She revels in alone time in the morning, I get mine at night. She is my BEST friend, and I love her with all my heart. But we are very different people. With different needs. With different things that just "work" for us. (I use her for an example, because my H and I have similar sleep patterns).

Add those 2 things together:

What's easy for some people is extraordinarilly difficult for other people. If your husband is anything like me... he's making a herculean effort to get you children to school in the morning at ALL. But when he screws up, you're kicking him in the teeth.

It sounds like he's doing the best darn job he can. He's telling you he NEEDS something, not wants, NEEDS... and those needs aren't being met, but he's continuing to shoulder on. I'm sure you have your own needs and wants that you suffer through them not being met. And I'm sure that given the choice between fixing that problem, or martyring on, you'd want to fix the problem (although pride is often an issue for many of us).

I would suggest either REVELLING and praising in how your husband is sacrificing himself for his daughters since each and every day his needs aren't being met in order to get them to school... or you figure out a different arrangement. Most schools have early morning programs (drop off at either 5am or 6am ... depending on when school starts). That's an option. It would either work out perfectly, or create more needs not being met. ((And if the only reason you don't is because YOU may be late sometimes because of life stuff, tantrums, oversleeping, etc... you are officially not allowed to ever complain about him being late getting them there. This is not meant to be harsh... but simple psychology. Most people look at other people's screwups as their own fault, but their own as 'life happens'.))

A compromise needs to happen. Either your own attitude, or the logistics of the situation.

I would put it on hubby to resolve. What does he think he should do differently in the am to get them there? He wouldn't change his work schedule if you weren't getting the kids there, so I don't think that is a good solution. He needs to figure this out.

I agree with the suggestion for them to ride the bus. My husband doesn't seem to "get" the importance of our oldest being at school on time either. He's only in prek this year, so the rules are more lax, but he's even been to a few prospective kindergarten open houses where they mentioned the tardy policy and the trouble it can cause your kids (and you) if it's a chronic problem. Just this morning I was telling him that it wasn't okay for our son to be late and that in kindergarten this was going to cause problems -to which he replied, "That's next year!" -ah no! I said, "Actually that's in 4 months -plus, they need to be taught from the beginning that it's not okay to be late for things!" Our issue with the bus is that the school is literally around the corner and behind our house -but my husband has decided to be a night owl as well. If he can't get it together by the beginning of August, I'm just going to dump it all in his lap. He can deal with ALL of the repercussions from the school, etc. I would be angry if he caused our son to miss something like a photo, but you have to ultimately get it across to him that regardless of what the morning holds -they always need to be on time! I'm sure there's a school system policy in place that calls for disciplinary action if too many tardies are accrued. I would get that info and remind him of it until the problem was resolved! That's what I plan to do if this becomes a continuing issue for us.

perhaps on the days that are 'special' (like class pictures) you should just go to work late that day?
My husband works retail. because of his schedule I have to take the kid to daycare and pick her up. This will probably be the same once she goes to school since his schedule is so kooky.

Maybe you should consider putting them on the bus in the morning?

You have every right to be upset! I would be too. Do your parents or inlaws live locally to you? If so, could one of them be in charge of driving your daughter to school in the morning? If not, I think you should should hire someone to drive your daughter to school every morning. You will just have to cut back on something else. For example, if your or your husband buy Starbucks coffee - STOP! If you pay for a cleaningn lady, STOP. If you go out to dinner once or twice a week - STOP. Find something to cut back on so you can afford to hire someone to drive your daughter to school (if one of your parents or inlaws cannot). Your husband is very irresponsible and it doesn't seem like he will ever change.

Your only other option would be to look for a different job close to your house, with later hours. So sorry for you. Best of luck!

I would try to remedy the situation, if you've already had the talks with your husband, I'm thinking talking again will be of no use. Is there a before the bell program, a friend, a grandparent that could help out. This is where I would look first. Otherwise, you do just have to weigh what is more important, them getting to school on time or losing 5 hours of work a week. Then let it go.....

And yes, sadly I do know other men like this....I'm sure there are some moms like this too. Good luck!

Oh for heaven's sake. Picture time only happens once a year. Get the kids stuff layed out the night before, get them up, make sure their hair looks nice, get them to school on time.
It doesn't seem that hard.
Does he feel badly at all that she's not included in her class picture?
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm divorced and my ex wanted to take turns being the one taking him for picture day with disastrous results. He wasn't late. Oh no. But for whatever reason, he thought the child needed to look like Donald Trump with a comb over and 2 cans of hair spray. God.
He saw the pictures and was like, "Maybe you should be the one to take care of this."
So, ever since, no matter whose night it falls on, I have my son so I can deal with the pictures. I work and my son hasn't missed a photo opp.
I'm not a morning person. I'm really not. But when you have kids, you have to get up and get them out the door. On time.
It sounds like he's just not putting that much importance on it. But it IS important to your daughters.
I wouldn't find a way for him to get out of it by you juggling even more.
I would just say, Dad....getting the girls to school is important to them. Can we agree that you'll try a little harder?
Does he want them to be grown up and say, "Remember the time we were late and I couldn't be in the class photo? Remember the time we were late and I didn't get to go on the field trip?" (Or whatever). Maybe that hasn't happened yet, but he might want to think about those things.
I can hear your frustration. Maybe you can get through to him.
I hope so.
What can seem like a major pain actually goes by so fast that he may look back and wish they were little and he could still drive them to school.
When they're off on their own, there's no getting that time back.
There will come a day when they might die of embarrassment to be seen with their dad taking them to school.
"Let me out down the block and don't hug me in front of my friends, please."
These things happen.

Best wishes.

I have no words of wisdom on this. I would be PISSED that my husband was slacking, just because...he's slacking. I understand your frustration. Is there not a friend on your street that can take your daughter to school, and then you or husband return the favor taking home from school? Otherwise, I'd say you rework your routine a little bit so that before bed, you have lunch packed, clothes laid out, baths done, school bag packed and at the door, etc, and have it all together (except maybe the lunch) in one spot---we call that our "launch pad" because everything we need to leave starts on that spot. Then wake your daughter up and get her breakfast, teeth, clothes done. She'll be ready in 30 minutes that way. The bus would be a better possibility then. (And then, your husband can be in the doghouse...I really don't know what to do about a grown man who can't handle his business, sorry....it would make me furious). As for school pictures, how about field day, or a field trip, or whatever? Send a disposable camera and request your teacher take a photo of the whole class on a field trip or whatever, or at field day or some other special event, go and take a picture of the whole class together. It'd be more realistic anyway---the way the children really are, not all dolled up in "picture day clothes". And finally: what would make me more mad than ANYTHING would be him saying "thanks for getting me in trouble". I would never allow someone to act like my daughter can't tell me everything. That would be the most serious mistake a man could ever make for me. Not that being late for school is that big a deal; I just wouldn't want her to think she couldn't tell me anything and everything.

Bummer - a couple of things
1 - realize that school class pictures are not the be-all end all. missing the class photo isn't great but it's not the end of the world.
The fact that your hsuband doesn't get the kids to school on time is the problem. Does it happen frequently or just once in a while?
2- If it is a rare occurence then while you need to talk to him about it - but it's not as big a deal - it just happened to occur on picture day. It is tough to get kids out the door to school in the morning. It's much easier to get only yourself out the door. I've always been the one to get the kids to school and there are times when they've gotten there late - maybe twice in a month. Some months they're never late - and other months - if there's a lot of extended family stress (sick grandmother, etc.) they may have gotten to school late 3 or 4 times. Usually not more than 5 mintues - but we have had a rare time of a half hour late maybe 2 times a year.

3. If it's happening quite a lot then you really need to address this quietly and calmly with your husband. It's vital that the kids get to school on time. The first 15-30 minutes kind of set the stage for the rest of the day. They get to settle in, say hi to their friends,. get their homework out, etc. If they are more than a few minutes late all the time they are being harmed. Your husband is not realizing the harm he's doing to the kids. So you need to spell it out to him in a calm way. I have to assume that once he really thinks about the effect on the girls he'll make a more serious effort to get them there on time.

4 - as for the staying up late thing - it's the whole "Man-cave" thing. Men are built differently than women - they need this time to re-group, go through the day's events in their mind, rethink things, etc. But 2 AM? What time is he getting home from work? If he's getting home at 9:00 and then spending another 4-5 hours staring at the TV he's got a lazy problem. But if he gets home at midnight I can understand staring at the boob-tube for a couple of hours. I assume he also has a couple of hours to himself after he drops the kids off to school in the morning?

Men are generally more selfish than women - it's a generalization - not always true. But they do get better as they get older - it just takes something to shake them up - whether it's a death in the family, his own serious illness or injury, before they realize how precious their loved ones are to them, for them to realize what's really important in life. My husband didn't grow up and "be a man" until his early 40's !!! It took the illness and death or his father, his own serious injury from a car accident and an intense surgical procedure. He's not yet perfect (still waiting) (on me as well) but age and the "stuff of life" have grown him up.

Do not take time out of your day to get your girls to school on time - unless it is stressing your girls and there's not hope that he'll change. Good luck mama.

If I were in your situation, I would take this responsibility from hubby's hands. If I leave the house closer to the time they need to be up to start getting them ready, I would make certain they were up & dressed and had breakfast. I would then give them some activity to do that would take them up to the time to leave for their walk to the bus.

They would be up and ready and all daddy had to do would be get them to the bus.

I would also consider gettting a teen to help them or a senior citizen.

In my state when kids are late X amount of times it counts as an absence. If your kid has too many late absences, they call in CPS on the parents. So be grateful you are not in my state.

Unfortunately it is your responsibility to pick up the slack for your husbands lack of consideration or time.

Don't fuss at him because this won't make things better but just do what needs to be done.

I know you're upset, and you've probably simmered down or resolved the issue by the time you read the responses.

Memories and moments mean so much to us women, and it is not the same as much with men, so remember that. Instead of scolding him, you should do this or do that (as tempting as it is when we are mad), let him know how much it means to you to have XYZ done.

Sometimes they are more willing and tolerant to accept their mistakes when they KNOW how much it affects you, versus what is EXPECTED of them, because they are really different to us in the mere fact that they did not bring the child into the world and their way of parenting is not the same.

Maybe you can arrange one day during school time to recapture the moment with her classmates and friends with your own digital camera, so that you are not at a complete loss and you can have something rather than nothing, even if it was not the professional one. At least you have the memory she was in 2nd grade.

I am so sorry that this happened! I would sit down with your hubby and have a heart to heart. Tell him just how important this is to you and let him fix the mess he made! Make him call the school and see if they can put her in the pic-- or refund the money etc. Let him do the work since he messed it up! Also, I would look into getting a backup person-another mom or two that you can call or hubby can call if he just can't get them there in time. Best wishes to you-

Molly

Wow - that would really piss me off too! I can't believe the school couldn't wait for you child for God's sake!!! How did one if your twins get to school before the other? They should have asked her if the other was on her way and held off - geesh! Sadly most men (not all - but most) are self-centered and very immature at times. That is why we women end up running the household and not them. It is a shame. Especially when we work too! I'm pretty confrontational, but I would ask my man if he really is up for being a parent and if so, he needs to be the adult that he is and take care of his duties which include getting his children to school ON TIME! Otherwise maybe he should go back to being a bachelor again! OR maybe he should get a job making more money so you can stay home with the kids :) Probably doesn't solve your problem - but I do understand and I wish you luck...

This is not a "man" thing. I want you to know not all men run late.

I understand you are upset and I don't blame you. I would be livid too, but take a breath. It's the end of the school year and do your best to let it go. Yes, I agree, what he said to your daughter was not fair...... and the bigger offense.

The question is would he be willing to work with you to make things better?

Then sit back and figure out how you can address the problem. Take your husband to counseling with you if he will go.

Get in a carpool, for example, and offer the children a reward if they can be on time by themselves every day. But all doesn't have to be worked out this minute. That said, start working on a plan or you will continue to feel frustrated and beaten down.

What do you do for a living? Have you considered working from home?
Take a look at my profile and other Mama's on mamapedia. Many make extra money with at home businesses. Maybe that would help you get some relief.

Best Wishes.