Why My Husband’s Family Always Have Reasons to Ask for Money ?

Updated on July 11, 2019
M.R. asks from Chula Vista, CA
20 answers

Does anyone have any experience whereas your husband’s family always think that your husband is a year-long Santa Claus ?? His brothers (4 brothers & wives & 3 kids ea.) are so creative to find reasons for asking some money, every month whole time. And my husband’s never been able to say no, he never thinks that we need to save for education for the baby or build a house or saving in case we are jobless ; while all of his brothers have a house (some have two houses) & cars (and yes, they don’t really enjoy office works, asked some money for start businesses and none of the business makes/made profit, cause they just stop halfway). So, Mom, any advice how to deal with this kinda of in-laws (plus sometime the cousins also asked for money) and my husband ?

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answers from Atlanta on

they ask because they can and because he doesn't say no.

if you have enough money sitting around to give to people to help them start a business? You're making bank.

I would say NO. It's really simple. NO. We don't have the money at this time. We're still awaiting payment for the last time you borrowed money from us. When will you be paying that back? Would you like to set up a payment plan??

5 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Talk with him.
That's totally not normal.
Cause family is family,but he should speak about you first.

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answers from Dallas on

It sounds like your issue is that your husband needs to grow a pair and learn that "No" is a complete sentence. He does not OWE his family HIS money. He has a family to care for and he needs to get his priorities straight before his family has no resources for education, retirement, etc.

You have a family and you are personally responsible for your family, no one else's.
What are your plans for retirement, education for your children, every day needs for YOUR family.

Why does his family feel entitled to your money?

If you can't do it yourself, get involved with a financial planner to help you plan long term so you see how much you really need for the future. Stop funding bogus business ventures and other family spending. You bet they are not spending and risking their money on these things, they are using your gullible husband.

The problem is your husband. You two need to sit down and get some rules in place before this destroys your marriage. Remind him of HIS children and how he is not putting them first.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

1) Have a written contract with the amount borrowed and terms to pay back including deadline and penalties. Have both parties sign and have copy.


2) Have your husband learn to say ‘no, sorry I can’t help you’. End of discussion.

You don’t have an in-law problem. You have a husband problem. His inability to set boundaries with his family is causing your marital problems.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Anyone can think of a reason they need money. That's not the issue here. The issue is that your husband doesn't seem to say no to these moochers. You are on different financial pages when it comes to who happens to your money.

You two need to sit down and make a 5 yr plan which includes everything you want to save for and purchase. Put dollars needed for each of these events to happen and then set a budget. I don't know what your nationality is or your husband's but I find that certain cultures tend to lean on those who have made it for financial help more than some other cultures.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I only know how it works here. We share our finances and discuss them/meet with advisor.

That's what I would suggest. I don't think it's about your in-laws. Isn't this your joint money?

When I loaned a friend money, I asked my husband and we agreed on the terms. It didn't work out well, and we never did it again. We decided that. We both had to be on same page - and I would never do anything he wasn't ok with - him the same.

If you guys don't communicate/don't have discussions about finances like this - that's where I would start. Maybe meet with a financial advisor (or even one at the bank), or if it's bigger than that, a counselor, or go by yourself just to get perspective :)

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

the family's not the problem. anyone can ask.

the problem is your husband's inability to say no.

unless that is addressed, your problem will be life-long.

how will YOU handle that?


6 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Why do they ask for money? - because they actually get money every time they ask.
His family isn't actually the problem - your husband is.
I bet he's about as conditioned as Pavlovs dog by now and just whips out his wallet before a whole sentence is formed.
It might be an insecurity thing - by giving them money he might feel he is buying their respect or love - he needs a therapist to get him over that if that is what is going on with him.

Hubby needs to learn to say 'no' and stop being the bank for his whole family.
Does he write down how much he hands out so he can see how much he's thrown away?
Does he get paid back? (I really doubt it).
Can he save money first or budget how much he's willing to give to family (like once $200 has been given there will be no more for the rest of the year)?

One of the things couples fight most about is money - and your husband has one humdinger of a bad habit.
It's almost as bad as a gambling addiction .
If he's 'generous' to the point where you are financially insecure your marriage might not survive.
I couldn't live with that kind of uncertainty.
Get some marriage counseling - and both of you go to a certified financial planner and really get some expert advice about what to do about your finances.
He might take it better from someone official who tells him he needs to stop what he's doing with his money.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

the problem isn't your in-laws. The problem is your husband.

You both need to sit down and get on the same page. If it means counseling or a financial counselor? then you need to do it.

They come to your brother because he doesn't say NO. Apparently doesn't ask for repayment either. So none of this goes on their credit report!

It's not the family - it's the husband. You need to work with your husband on this.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I believe that the title to your question should read

Why does my husband feel the need to give his family money every time they ask?

The problem is your husband - not his family.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

I can understand your problem.. because I am also facing a same problem.. even though they have money they want it from others only.. My idea s put some money in fixed deposit with some yrs.(.like u can't take it in between).. n some money in Recurring deposit ( monthly u have to pay some amount compulsory). Or else take some loan n buy a property..so u have to pay some amount for monthly loan.. like this start saving n empty your pocket.. n say NO..

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Your husband will not say no. That is your problem. Not the in-laws.

Is there something relevant from a cultural standpoint that is influencing these behaviors? For example, is he the oldest son and doing well in a family that traditionally expects one person to support everyone? Does he brag about his big job and big salary, so everyone thinks he has more money than he does? Does saying "yes" make him feel like a big success, like someone important? Why is this so essential to his self-worth?

These are not loans, right? He is giving the money with no reasonable expectation that he will be paid back? No contract, no written agreement, no partnership in the businesses and no say in how they are run? No business plans, etc.?

Do you work? Do you have income? Can you put that money aside for your baby's education and possible medical needs, and live off your husband's salary? That's a start.

But essentially, this is a huge problem between you and your husband. I'd ask him who you two would borrow from if you needed it - who in the family is there to support you? If he thinks nothing bad can ever happen to him, ask him why bad things have happened to every single person in his family, from brothers to cousins.

Go to marriage counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself, and figure out how to get a financial advisor to help you plan for contingencies. This may be your best hope.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Someone else asked a similar question on Mamapedia a few weeks ago, read the answers she got. Simply, if you make yourself out to be a bank, you will be getting plenty of requests for money. If he cannot say no, then the problem is his. Yes, they may be taking advantage of him, but it is only because HE allows it and has never put a stop to it. Here is the post you should read for suggestions on family members' requests for monetary gifts: https://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12210620189192355841

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

How about sitting down to do a budget and long term savings plans so you can tie up the money? Do you max out 401ks and 529 plans? Make sure you do. Try to actually not have the money available to give away. Pay down the mortgage every chance you get if you have one. Stuff like that. I’m lucky I kind of control our money bc I work in finance and love to budget etc while my husband is really busy with other stuff. So I’d arrange that the cash just isn’t there as much as possible. Get him to agree to a savings account that can’t be touched so it’s harder or impossible for him to easily give it away.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Actually we have a similar situation and yes some of it is cultural I think. My husband can't say no because they are 'family'...He can't say no because moms don't work (in his culture-at least not his)...although I have worked all through the years we have been married (24 plus years) and his mother, who is about eight years older than me (yes, that is cultural, too-she married very, very young) anyway, she never had an actual job during this time. She did however take care of his father who was in a coma for six years which is seriously something I probably wouldn't do. Once his father died she got his pension which is barely 150.00 a month and she never tried to get a job.And it is ingrained in him that she can't for one reason or another.Her knee hurts, her hands hurt, etc. etc. until she wants to do something. But he (my husband) feels so bad for her all the time because whatever money she does get she gives to his sister who is married and they (she and her husband) don't have jobs half the time (three kids, though-all married and they have kids who they feed)...SO...my husband sends his mother money and she whines about how she has to feed them and so she does. And then she doesn't have any money.
Anyone following this? And then there is: His brother who seems to have continuous job losses so my husband sends him pretty big amounts of money when he is going through his dramas. It would take hours to describe all of this and I am sure would bore everyone, but the premise here is I think it is truly based on culture and guilt. My husband feels very guilty because he is far away from his family. So he thinks this will alleviate it. I think he feels guilty because he makes a little more than the rest of them. Not rich, but a little more. And they are all poor -sort of. We have gone to see them often during our 24 plus years and they have never come to see us but they travel back and forth town to town city to city -doesn't that cost a lot of gas? and they gladly accept what he will give them. I am not sure I have any wonderous advice. When I suggest that his mother find a job he looks at me as though I am from another planet. Just the other day I said since she can do house work and loves to cook, etc. what if she got a job doing laundry or something at a hotel? egads the look I got. Her knees still hurt! I didn't discuss it anymore.
So after this I decided I need to do something about this: to stop depriving myself of things - I had scrimped and saved for years and so now I will begin to treat myself to things I need or want instead of making it an issue in my head that it is going to his family. Unless someone is willing to help change in culture ( a counselor of sorts) or make them understand that they can say no, it seems like a stuck situation. Not saying no isn't necessarily a marriage problem, because my husband can't say no to a lot of people. He has people who ask him to work on their cars while they are going on vacation and we are wasting our weekends and time off while he is ranting and raving in our driveway in the heat when he could have just said no. He wanted to stop going to a church we liked because people asked him to do things on his free time for them and he couldn't say no so he wouldn't go to the church anymore. I don't think it is a marriage issue at all. It is in them/him. They want to be so liked or cared about that they are willing to give up money or free time. So no real advice here other than continuing to point out how your own family is being robbed and if you really need-get yourself some therapy. As for me...I decided I am going to start shopping a little more for myself.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Hmm... how about dealing with your husband first, as in alimony and child support? Half his assets?

Sounds mean? Well, that’s kind of what he’s doing with your money, by giving it to the moochers.

Tell him you are unhappy in your marriage and that he has to go to marriage counseling with you. Get a financial planner to sit down with you both and deal with this issue. You need this. Don’t let him say no. Otherwise, your children will be without college funds and you’ll end up watching your in-laws living out your retirement dreams in front of you, financed by your spineless husband.


Hmm... how about dealing with your husband first, as in alimony and child support? Half his assets?

Sounds mean? Well, that’s kind of what he’s doing with your money, by giving it to the moochers.

Tell him you are unhappy in your marriage and that he has to go to marriage counseling with you. Get a financial planner to sit down with you both and deal with this issue. You need this. Don’t let him say no. Otherwise, your children will be without college funds and you’ll end up watching your in-laws living out your retirement dreams in front of you, financed by your spineless husband.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

M., is your husband's family in the United States?
My husband's family is in Mexico and they used to ask us for money a LOT. We were broke all the time, but I often found my husband was sending them money without telling me.
We had to have a heart to heart talk. Why am I working so much to send money to his family when none of the women are working? His brothers were counting on us too, but then posting all these pictures on facebook of them out at parties, drinking.
After our conversation he just started saying "no." He spoke with his parents first and explained things and they were very understanding. We DO send them money for medical things (as his parents are older) and have sent some money every Christmas.
I suggest you talk to your husband, honestly. But then you have to take a step back....it's hard to get in the middle of family.
Buena Suerte!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

No one in my family or my husband's family ever asks for money. We never ask anyone for money. In the past we were very very poor for a good many years, but we never once asked anyone for money...we just tightened our belts. We got free stuff from the dump. We shopped at garage sales or salvation army. We didn't have a cell phone and rode a bike instead of a car. We eventually came out of this slowly through hard work and frugality. Everyone in our families figures things out for themselves. Your problem is your husband. Your husband needs to learn how to say no. He has helped make it the norm in his family to ask for money because he always says yes. He needs to send everyone a group email and say from now on he is no longer able to give anyone money, so to stop asking. He can give emotional support, an ear to listen to problems, and love but he will no longer give money so to stop asking. Then he has to stay true to his word and stop saying yes. These people are all adults and they have to handle their own problems in life.

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answers from New York on

We have no extra money. So there is nothing to give away. We have savings in the budget. and kids education funds in the budget.
Maybe sit down with your hubby and rework your budget so the kids education and savings are included and then he can see how he should take care of his wife and kids first then if anything is left the extended family can mooch

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Just wondering what your husband would say if you told him your mother, cousin, or brother needed $X this month. Perhaps then he would say you’re not a bank.

1 mom found this helpful
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