Why Is This Bothering Me So Much??

Updated on October 08, 2013
S.J. asks from Cherryville, MO
19 answers

Hubby and I have always had an open marriage in the sense that we talk about anything. He and I can discuss an attractive woman who walks by, can discuss our sexual past like adults and no judgments, etc. We have been married for 7 years.

We have always had a great sex life as well and open to different ideas, (nothing too out of the ordinary, but for example use of toys, watching videos together, me wearing a sexy outfit he picks out, the typical husband and wife stuff, at least to me). In the past 4 months or so, I have noticed hubby wants to have sex a lot more than usual. For example we used to average once a week, now he wants it 4 times a week, more if I wasn't too tired for more! I am not complaining about it. But I have just sensed some boredom or something coming from him. He keeps suggesting different things to do, and not that I mind, but he just seems like he is *bored* or never satisfied or something. We play a little game where I am the *slave* and he is the *master*, and it is totally safe and fun, he will just tell me what I have to wear that night for "play time" things like that - nothing crazy. But again, I feel like he is getting bored with it.

We have always talked openly and freely about what turns us on - and I am a firm believer that one can fantasize about things and never act them out. He and I have *talked* about a threesome in the past as a means of a turn-on discussion, in other words, just talking about what we have fantasized about, done in the past, etc. So last night he brings up a threesome again. And says he thinks he could have one. I was not happy. He is upset with me because I have talked about it in the past like it was no big deal, but now I am (in his words) "flipping out", "pmsing" and "being lame". Why is this bothering me so much? I told him I feel like this time, he really *means* it - like as in he really wants to do it. That he is bored with our sex life. He just tells me I am overreacting and that I am the one who has brought it up in the past, so why am I now "flipping out". Am I overreacting? I guess the whole emotional part behind this is I feel he has been acting differently lately, not *cheating* different, just different. Like he is searching for *more* in our sex life. And that is ok, right? I mean, he is my husband. I am VERY happy he is seeking this out with me and being open with me - so why am I so turned off that he brought this up? I am so confused and hurt, and I normally don't feel this way with him.

On a side note, I told him I think part of it is because while we do have a great sex life, that is all we have. In other words, I never, and I do mean never, get to cuddle with him, have him hold me, etc. He is NOT affectionate like that at all. And to be frank, I don't need it very often. But I would say about once every 4 months or so I will just want to lay with him or have him hold me. He just won't. Or if he does, it is like that hug someone gives you who really doesn't want to be hugging you, that akward pat on the back hug....So I never feel like it is genuine affection other than sex. Am I overreacting here or what is going on? In his words, I must be pmsing....so is that it? Do I just need to step back from this convo and revisit when I am not being *emotional* and maybe I will see it in a different light?

Please no judgments here - thanks.

What can I do next?

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answers from Los Angeles on

I just think you are older and wiser. Here is the deal with a threesome- its adultery. You can consent all you want to a third person in your marriage bed, but it does not change the fact that you are being unfaithful in the marriage. I've known a handful of swingers and of all the ones I know the story ends the same: divorce.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Unless the third person was a man I wouldn't even consider it. I love women but I have ZERO interest in being with one sexually.
If your husband is only open to bringing another woman into it then he isn't really into being "open" and "experimental" he just wants to get some strange. Call him on it, that's total BS.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Ya know, everyone has their limits.
There's nothing wrong with that.
He's pushing yours.
What's his definition of sex addiction?
If he's getting bored, where's his gladiator harness?
Maybe he should do some dressing up for you.
You can have a very satisfying sex life without turning it into a 3rd rate porno video.
And just to shake things up a bit for something different?
Maybe a little abstinence would be interesting and give him some appreciation for the way things usually are.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Huntington on

I am going to be completely blunt. This is the way I see it, this is based on what you have posted previously about your husband as well as this post.

Your husband does not care about your wants or needs. He cares about *himself*. As long as he gets what he wants, life for you goes relatively smoothly.
If you do not agree with what he wants to do, you can expect the following from him: name calling, belittling, anger, accusing, moodiness, withdrawal. He will basically put up a huge stink until things are done his way.
You say that most times you agree but previous posts you have stated he hardly ever agrees with anything you say.
He refuses counseling.

I would seek counseling on your own. He is not going to meet you halfway with this or with anything. If you are going to stay married to him for the long haul, I would not expect change on his part but perhaps counseling can help you figure out ways to cope.

I might be wrong, but perhaps you have been stuck in this relationship so long that your dynamic seems normal. I will tell you from an outside perspective that your husband is abusive and not a nice person.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

The time for this discussion is during the daylight hours when both of you are dressed and sitting at the dining room table or somewhere you can look each other in the face.

Ask him to honestly tell you what he's thinking about at the time he's saying this. Is he wanting you to have sex in front of him with another woman? You have sex with another man? Him have sex with a man? Him have sex with another woman? Both of you at the same time doing the 3rd party? One of you doing with the 3rd party and the other watching? Age issues? Wanting a cheerleader type? wanting a MILF?

What is the fantasy he's caught up on? Like you said, it's bothering you and you guys have an open relationship regarding your sexual playtime....lol.

Something is stuck in his mind and turning him on a lot. He's afraid you won't go for it so he's repressing it.

Talking about it in an open non stressful time will help you to see it from his point of view and he may have something interesting he wants you to think about or he may just want to play some more stories out.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

His reaction to your reaction was very immature and unsupportive. My husband and I are a lot like you guys in that we are very open sexually. But, if we cross a line the other is not comfortable with we understand that we also have to be safe to say "That is out of my comfort zone and I do not wish to try it or discuss it". It is okay for you to feel bothered, it is not okay for him to belittle your feelings just because he is disappointed you did not jump at the idea of brining in another person (something that can ruin a relationship fast if both people are not 100% on board and totally into it).

Now, in the past my husband and I had the "no touching" issue. My husband only cuddled up to me when he was trying to have sex with me, and as a result I often felt like I was not truly loved or desired, like he was just having sex with me because I was what he was "allowed" to have. Once he understood that I needed more from him he started trying. It did feel awkward at first, but the more we spent time cuddling and talking and hugging, the more natural it became, and now we can hardly keep out hands off each other even when we are not in the mood for sex. Talk with your husband, and if he does not get it then consider asking him to go to counseling with you. Look up the "love languages".

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Fargo on

Your husband needs to put $50 in the douche-bag jar and get over himself. What kind of husband calls his wife "lame", "boring", or "gay" (as a slur)? Your husband sounds extremely selfish. He is looking for more because selfishness is NEVER satisfied.

Your needs are so important and he is disregarding you in order to exalt HIS needs. So what if you are emotional about this? HUMANS have emotions and you are certainly entitled to have feelings.

I am so sorry. I think you are a wonderful person and that you deserve to be treated better. I wish I had advice for you, but even more, I wish I could blister your husband's ears with the plethora of advice I have for HIM! :)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

I think that when guys are in their worst typical-guy-mode, they think about sex far more often and fantasize about many things that women would never think of (generalizing). Not saying that is what they want in real life – just their alter ego talking out loud. My guy gets a little too detailed sometimes about his fantasies such as a threesome – similar to yours I think where he fantasizes about me and another girl while he watches. When I start to get uncomfortable I start adding little comments like “ugh, what if she’s a stalker like the psycho in Fatal Attraction.” Or “well, she would have to be tested for STDs like genital warts, crabs, herpes, AIDS, etc” or “hope she isn’t into strapping one on and wanting to use it on YOU (your husband).” Statements like that tend to put the “reality” back into the “fantasy” talk =)

I think it is natural for guys to talk this way and it’s great that you guys can share these things but again, guys are far more visual and well, let’s face it – whores than women (generalizing again). I would say that he’s not bored – just going through an over-sexed moment. Don’t you sometimes get those where you just want more because it’s so good? Frankly I think the next time you guys do “master/slave” – you should be the “master.” Heck, tie his a$$ up, use him and leave him tied up until he starts wondering where you went and say “oh, you’re still there” with a sweet kiss and a smile when you untie him since he’s not into affection afterwards ;) Seriously – tie his a$$ up and give him a spanking for being a bad, bad boy.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

S., I have not read the other responses - yet. I will.

I just want to say that I am sad for you. Sad that you have a husband who mocks your most intimate space. Take away all the fun and games, the commonalities, the intellectually stimulating conversations, and it appears you have a husband who does not love you and respect you enough in the bedroom to make an effort.

My marriage is almost the exact opposite of yours. I have almost no sex life, but we always cuddle, hold hands, kiss, dance close, he rubs my feet, and scrubs my back in the tub. And he tenderly caresses my large breasts. We're just old and tired and don't have much energy for 'going all the way."

Even before my marriage, the man that I was intimately involved with, where we had sex every single day, there was always cuddling before or afterwards. It's actually the cuddling that led to the sex. We just loved spooning, anywhere we could. Watching TV. Reading. Talking. etc.

As a matter of fact, I've never dated a man who did not cuddle. That is too important of an aspect for me in a relationship. I'd be an emotional wreck without the physical intimacy.

I just think there's too much to conversation and analysis in your sex life. If this were me, I'd stop offering any sexy threesome talk, and I would completely shut down the next time he brought it up, even if you were in the middle of the act. I'd get up and walk to the shower. But you have to know what it is you want and what it is you don't want. You sound so focused on pleasing your man, that you are ignoring your basic, primal needs of wanting intimacy with him. Please don't think that adding a 3rd party will ever increase intimacy with him.

I also suggest that your intellectual connection is a cover up for the lack of physical intimacy.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Three things come to mind:

1. What does he say when you ASK HIM about this "change"? Have you asked him if he's bored or if something new has crept into his mind? Some people have seasons of beign particularly "sparked".

2. It sounds like your relationship lacks intimacy, which is what sustains relatinships/marriages over time. He could be craving something more than sex and not be able to quite articulate that to you or even to himself. In his search, he fills the void with more sex, because that is your common language.

3. If he is feeling particularly insecure about something (at work?) and sex is your main form of communication, then he'll go there first to meet his (even non-sexual) needs.

I think that you two should seek counseling to build your intimacy, before the sex wears off and you have nothing. Sex drives us to want the intimacy and sustains us as we build intimacy; it's not supposed to stand alone.

I believe that if you do not address this right away, then one or both of you will find a spark with someone else and create intimacy there, and maybe realize too late that that's what's missing at home. Right now, he's crying out to you that there needs to be more, and he seems to want it from you. Figure this out before he feels like he's beating a dead horse.

ETA: In that case, you should definitely seek your own counseling. It could be that you two are mismatched and it's finally coming to light, now that the sex is wearing off. If all that you seem to have in common is sex and the willingness to openly discuss sex, then that tends not to be sustainable. You're nto really connected, otherwise. Sorry. It could still be that he wants it on some level and doesn't quite know how to even acknowledge it to himself, but you can't afford to make that assumption.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Salinas on

Honestly from what you've posted here your husband doesn't seem to care much about your needs, just his own. What do you mean he "just won't" cuddle with you? I cannot imagine my husband not touching me affectionately. That IMO is as important as sex.

I also can't imagine him pressuring me for a threesome. That is something we've always known we would NEVER do. By using it as a fantasy between the two of you, in his mind the door has been opened to the possibility.

Watch out, I know several couples who were very open sexually with other partners. Let's just say it was NOT a marriage strengthener over the long run.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

This sounds so hurtful, I am sorry you are going through this. Usually, women need intimacy in order to want/enjoy sex. It sounds as if either you used to feel more intimate with your husband and are no longer feeling it, or you put up with a lack of intimacy for far too long and it's caught up to you. Either way, you two were on the same path for a while, but have clear veered off in different directions.

From your husband's point of view, he may feel like you talked about threesomes before so now it's not fair that all of a sudden you are backing out of that discussion. That makes sense, but also doesn't matter! You can say to him that 'yes, we have talked about threesomes before, but just as a talking point, now that it is more real, I realize I don't like the idea and don't want to talk about it anymore'. You are allowed to change your mind, and I'm glad you are not submitting to this idea in order to please him.

If he won't go to counseling, go by yourself to determine what you need to do. Clearly, your husband is not hearing that some of your needs are not being met. That's great that you are so open with sex, it sounds like you do a lot for him- in and out of the bedroom. What does he do for you? Time for him to man up and be a good husband. You need to figure out what that looks like.

Sometimes it's difficult for husbands to realize that marriages evolve. What was okay 5 years ago may just not be okay today. Ongoing communication can help you weather the changes. Best of luck to you. Please keep us posted.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

Is he busy enough? May seem stupid but you make good money, relieving him of a big worry, and do everything at home so does he almost have too much time on his hands to spend on all this fanticizing?... Not sure how easy that is to fix but maybe tell him if he wants all this time for sex, he's got to step up at home. Seems like there's no balance or not enough balance in the relationship. So I see two issues - you need to let him know he can hit the road if a 3some is a requirement. You're independent and can handle things without him if need be. I'd want to balance the power a bit more in the relationship. Then, if he is just dying for more sex, that might be a bit harder fix and all I can think of is to get him busier with more responsibilities. I'd be way more into sex if I wasn't so busy all the time... Or if he won't help at home, maybe he needs to be exhausted from working out. That can backfire as I think sometimes my husband's libido increases but he also gets physically exhausted from a lot of exercise instead and just falls asleep before anything about sex comes up. I don't blame you for being upset from what you're describing. So there are 2 outcomes - you be strong and remind him that he's a lucky guy already and he realizes that. Or, deep down he's one of those jerks who can't see that and is going to focus on self gratification at the expense of his family. I hope it's not the latter. But taking a step back, those seem to be the logical outcomes. If you think there's a lot of risk of the latter outcome, I'd push as hard as I could for therapy. I guess third choice really is you just go along with what he wants. That's up to you if you can live with it or not...

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

If my husband was suddenly fixated on a threesome, I would have trouble with that too. We have watched a documentary about people who are married and share other lovers and we are constantly saying there is NO way we could share. It's never going to happen. Like you, we also have a great sex life, but I can say that my husband is very affectionate when we are not having sex. I agree with you, it is important to have this intimacy even when there is no agenda. I would feel a bit rejected if he wasn't affectionate with me. From what you are describing, it sounds like your husband isn't "wired" with a lot of affectionate tendencies. But there are lot's of things that men do that is an attempt to show affection that maybe your husband does that you could focus on. For instance, every morning when I'm in the shower, my husband has a cup of coffee waiting for me when I get out. Or, he might bring me a glass of water when we are watching tv at night. Or, help clean up after dinner. Think about the little things he does for you that is his attempt at affection. I think you could probably talk to him about physical affection until you are blue in the face, and he still wouldn't get it...because he's not wired that way.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now. It sounds like you are doing everything right with variety and spicing up your sex life. I really hope your husband isn't bored. But if he is, maybe you guys could go to an adult shop and find a new toy or something. Maybe try new positions, or give him that bj he is talking about. It sure beats a threesome! Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I'm way too jealous to make or receive comments about attractive folk to my partner. Even commenting on stars' attractiveness is a no no for me. Since you have such openness and yet he's bored, try the schoolmarm approach for a year and see if he is more turned on by your leaving more to the imagination. No way would I do a 3 some. That is a recipe for constant comparisons.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

This does sound strange.I just read an article about sex addiction and people who have it also have a problem with intimacy.

It's ok to fantasize about a threesome. I'm sure I have thought about it but would never do it. That's crossing the line.

It sounds like this constant need with all these games involved is some kind of coping mechanism for him. Is he dealing with extreme stress at work? Is he depressed or does he have anxiety?

It's great that he tries to keep sex fun (I am usually tired all of the time, so I'm not sure I could keep up with this). Maybe he would like you to take charge for once. It sounds like he is orchestrating what you do and what you wear? Maybe he is getting bored because you never come on to him? Just a thought.

Counseling might help too. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

With all of the things you mention in your post are you sure he has not done this with someone else and is now trying to get you to go along with the new man? I say this because it is coming at you all of a sudden. Usually a change has taken place when a man suggests an idea to his mate.

Sex is great but it does not sustain a marriage. As the old saying goes you have to be friends before you become lovers. Now you have a marriage with sex but with what else? Do you sky, go on walks, or discuss current events? How about going to a concert of some type? If no, then you two do have a problem.

Perhaps your hubby is not happy with your low desire and he needs more and it has finally come to a head and he cannot deal with the lack any longer. Seek out counseling for you and your marriage. The only other thing I see is the big "D" coming down the pike if you can't find out the cause. You two are in the same church but not on the same pew.

the other S.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

My hubby sometimes gets that way - like he just can't get enough sex. We have sex 4 - 5 times a week EVERY WEEK but when he wants more, I try to accommodate him. Not always,. but most of the time. It only lasts a week or so and then we're back to our usual 4 or so times per week.

I think you invited these problems into your marriage by talking about a 3-some in a way that made it seem you were really open to it. It's a small skip from talking about something, to actually doing it - no big leaps here! The most you two have talked about it, the more he has fantacized about it and now he really wants to do it. Not really surprising!

It's bothering you so much because you are realizing that your hubby wants to have sex with another woman - that would bother any wife! Some times people should keep their fantasies to themselves. Talking about them makes it easier to act on them. I believe in keeping it in the abstract. It's my fantasy - I don't need/want to discuss it with anyone else.



answers from Kansas City on

S., do you think that your husband may be craving affection, like you describe that you need, but he is confusing it for sex? When my husband and I were dating, way back in our teens, he would never hug me, and if I actually got one, it was as you describe, just a pat on the back kinda hug. I made my mind up back then that I wasn't gonna have that! I made him put his arms around me, and I did him too, and we just stood there for a long time. And I just continued to ask for that, and FINALLY he became a hugger and all the rest of the good stuff too as time went on. I think my husband never had his mother or father wrap their arms around him and give him affection and love. I had to do it. Maybe you do too. Make a swap with your husband. Tell him you will give him something, if he will hold you for 30 minutes. And let him tell you what he wants. Maybe after he his happy with what he gets, he will have no problem with the holding you and hugging you part. I have been with my husband for 32 years now, and he hugs me all the time without being asked, and he wraps his arms around our teenaged boys all the time, and tells them that he loves them. I think it just takes practice. Now, as for the 3 some thing, I don't have any advice on that one, but I sure hope your husband figures out you were not serious! Good luck!

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