Why Is My 5 Year Old Son So Mean to His Father's 80 Year Old Grandmother?

Updated on August 03, 2016
T.W. asks from Dothan, AL
20 answers

My husband 's grandma is the NICEST person I know. She buys my son cool gifts for all occasions, cooks him his favorite food (chicken & rice), & is always so patient with him. Whenever we are around her he says mean things to her, plays like he is going to hit her, & deliberately hugs everyone, except her, & says that he loves them. She never lets on that it hurts
her feelings, but I know it does. He says that he does like her, so why the hatefulness??

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So What Happened?

Wow. Apparently not mentioning that he just turned 5 made a huge deal in the reactions /answers that I received, although it did not stop many of you from coming down on me pretty hard & immediately calling me a bad parent. Thanks for the support out there. To answer some of you who asked, yes, both me & his father have called him out on his behavior, put him in time out, spanked him, & always have a long discussion BEFORE we get there about being nice & respectful. I really wanted to know if other parents out there have experienced this before & how they handled it.

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Because you allow him to behave like this!! Why on earth aren't you stepping in and saying something to this kid? He doesn't have to like her but he does have to be respectful and if he doesn't he should be getting in trouble.

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D.D.

answers from Boston on

He's hateful because the adults in his life don't see to be able to step forward and correct his behavior. Of course it hurts her feelings and the fact that you are continually allowing him to do it is unacceptable.

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Because you let him.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Did you think it wasn't important to write here how old your son is?

Kids do things the first couple of times because they are kids. Then they continue to do things because you are ineffectual at teaching them not to.

You are his boss. Put a stop to his bad behavior.

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

welcome to mamapedia...

now the REAL question is - WHY do you allow him to behave this way? This is on you. He's your son and it's up to you to raise him right and SHOW him what's acceptable.

Start being the parent and reprimand your son and demand he behave.

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L.H.

answers from Abilene on

Being ugly to an elder is on the same level as being ugly to a toddler. I would be mortified. Respect for all is taught from toddler through young adult. I'm surprised his dad hasn't taken him down. My husband would NEVER tolerate his children being disrespectful to strangers, let alone relatives. I am dumbfounded that you allow this behavior ongoing. And I don't care whether he is 5 or 15. That behavior would be met with swift, extremely uncomfortable consequences.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

If he's a toddler, he's still learning manners.
If he's a teen - he really NEEDS to learn some manners!
Depending on the age of the kid, maybe grandma needs to spend her time and effort on people who appreciate her and not some ungrateful brat.
He might be better than this - but he's sure not acting like it.
In your place, I might take his gifts from grandma away from him until he's got a lot less attitude and a lot more gratitude.

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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Because he is ALLOWED to be mean. Reread Doris and Michelle's responses. You should be giving your son harsh consequences for being mean to his great grandma. It's awful that a child of any age is mean to an old woman.

And you don't say how old your child is, but "playing like he is going to hit her?" Wow. And you don't immediately do something about it? Wow. You are allowing your child to be abusive to an old woman.

The first thing you should do is take away all of those cool gifts she bought him, the next time he is mean to her. And then give him a stern talking-to about how that behavior is going to stop.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Did you ask him why he does it? IMHO, he does it because he knows he can get away with it. He may not even realize how much it hurts her feelings. Disrespect like that would not be tolerated in my home, especially the pretending he's going to hit her. No way, no how on any day for any reason! I would sit him down and tell him that this will no longer be tolerated and then the next time you are with her, when he starts, immediately put him in the car and take him home and straight to his room. If you're at home, then straight to his room - no discussion - nothing. Just deposit him in there, even if you have to carry him in, and close the door. If he's old enough to write, I would have him write a few paragraphs on how HE would feel if whatever he did to grandma was done to him. Time to teach him empathy before you end up with a narcissistic A-hole!

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

What does he say when you ask him? Have you told him that he's being rude, and what are the consequences in your house in response to rude behavior?

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N.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Well, my first thought was why isn't he getting his butt busted after doing things like that so he can learn that is unacceptable in any way? All it would take in my kiddos is one spanking on their hiney or their worst consequences and they don't act like this anymore.

To me this is on you. You allow it by not stopping it. Otherwise, if he absolutely is never going to stop then you keep him away. She deserves better.

Toddlers can be redirected. Pre-schoolers can have a swat or time out. School age kids would be sitting in time out with a sore hiney. Not bruised by any means but at least a couple of strong swats. Treating someone like this is very wrong.

Any child that is older knows what they are doing and how it would feel if it were them instead of her sitting in that chair having someone act like that to them. So they are doing this with a purpose. That's wrong and they know it.

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T.H.

answers from Philadelphia on

Wow. It looks like I have to write my response again, as it disappeared somewhere. Here goes:

Grand-parents are a blessing and it's a shame that your son has abused this blessing, when he should have been taught better. Your son puts you to shame Everytime he behaves like this. If you think for one minute that others who perceive his behavior don't hold you partially accountable too, you're wrong. Thus you should be ashamed of yourself as well. I wonder if you're so nonchalant about this because she's not biologically related to you?

There are too many people in this world who have missed out on a relationship with their grandparents. I personally am one of them. Both of my grandma's died when my two parents were 6 and 7. But I think about them, even today, yet I never met them.

This disrespectful and ugly behavior is out of control. You have condoned it which makes you guilty as well. Stop allowing your son to bring shame to your family, and discipline him accordingly. There is no excuse for this, mom.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

How old is your son?

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

Well, if your son is young, he may be doing it for attention. (and I mean YOUNG, like under 5)
If he's older and you don't send him out of the room for behaving like a jerk, then that's on you.

Young kids (under 5 or six) will do the same stupid things over and over if they are getting lots of attention for it. Either way,younger or older, he has to leave the area where grandma is. Period. What happened if you sent him to go sit by himself until he could behave decently? What if you told him that, since he's being mean to a person (ANY person, no person deserves meanness) that you are disappointed in his behavior and there's a removal of privileges until he comes up with a plan for how he will behave-- and then shows you that he will do what he says. If he was older, I'd suggest that he has to write an apology letter AND back it up with future good actions.

I cannot imagine my mother tolerating us being mean to either of my grandmothers. Simply, no.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

ETA. age makes a huge difference. At 5 he is learning how to behave. Putting him in out only teaches him he'll get a time out. Teach him by.taking his hand and go to Grandma. You say appropriate words and actions. Take grandma's hand and say something likee, we love grandma. We're kind to her.

How old is your son? What you describe sounds like teasing. Boys, especially, don't like to show their true feelings. Is it possible he doesn't intend to be mean?

Have you talked with your son about this? I would expect he can tell you why. Have.you told him how you feel?His grandmother is the one to tell her grandson how she feels. Unless you're seeing evidence that she's hurt, I wouldn't assume she is hurt Have you talked with her about how you feel when your son treats her this way?.I urge you to talk with her about how you feel.

Each one of us is responsible for our feelings and our feelings only. If his grandmother says what your son is doing is OK with her, believe her.

I suggest the issue may be more about how you feel. If your son respects.you, he will work this out with you.

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B.P.

answers from Chicago on

It is hard to answer without knowing your child's age. A 3 year old might have different reasons than a 13 year old.

If he's on the younger end:

He's not used to older people in his life. She is unfamiliar to him cause she looks like no one else. And, if he's watched a couple of movies or read a couple of fairytales, old people are typically portrayed as creepy or evil.

Nice for us, may not be nice for a child. If you remember The Night Kitchen, those huge female figures are actually Maurice Sendak's aunts, who pinched his cheeks and patted his head and freaked the cr*p out of him. Perhaps letting him go to grandmother rather than grandmother coming to him would increase his comfort.

Everyone is telling him to be nice to grandma. And, cause everyone is telling him to, whatever his age, he just won't cause he feels coerced into feigning emotions he doesn't truly feel.

Have you asked him? Not in a punitive way, but in a kind and loving way? Our DS didn't like his paternal grandfather cause he said that he was mean to his Dad (my DH), and indeed, he was.

Again, without knowing your son's age, it is hard to make a specific recommendation, but I don't think you can force someone to like someone. However, you can teach someone that no matter who the other person is, you should be polite to them.

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M.R.

answers from Washington DC on

It's really vital to give us his age. As someone noted below, a kid of 3 is vastly different from one of 13 in a case like this. At ANY age there are steps you and your husband can take to nip this behavior but it's impossible to advise if we don't know his age.

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

How old is your son?

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

It would help so much to know how old he is.

Toddlers, for example, often lash out by hitting because they get frustrated and lack the vocabulary. If they say the love someone, it's usually because they've been coached to, because they don't have that level of emotion yet. I don't believe in making kids say that they love people before they are capable of truly feeling it. It's like making them say "I'm sorry" - it's just something they parrot, or worse, something they think makes it okay to do something wrong because "I'm sorry" means "It didn't count."

Elementary school kids sometimes pretend to hit as a way of showing dominance or control. They may feel awkward around grandparents or great grandparents they don't see very often. If the great grandparent has a wheelchair or oxygen equipment, anything unfamiliar, the child may feel a little afraid and hold back from hugging.

A child does not associate the gift they got last Christmas or the chicken & rice they got last week with the need to be hugging and loving today. So what is it that you are expecting of your child? He should be taught to behave because it's the right thing to do, not because it gets him more presents and more chicken & rice. Not every behavior gets a reward.

But overall, the answer to your problem is that he is never disciplined for doing these things. A toddler gets redirected, a kid from 4 to up in elementary school child gets put in immediate time out or gets taken home through a no-talking, no-fun car ride, and any child older than that loses major privileges over a period of time. So while good behavior doesn't get a reward, bad behavior gets an immediate and age-appropriate punishment. I wish you had said more about what you have already done when he does these things. You could add on to your question or put more details in the "So What Happened" section, and we'd have a lot more to go on.

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L.S.

answers from Cleveland on

My daughter used to avoid hugging her grandma because she didn't like the way she smelled. I thought it was perhaps a personal hygiene thing that I couldn't smell but then my daughter would try to refuse to visit grandma's house because of the "old person smell". Of course we tried reasoning with her with "Grandma can't help being old" and "You will hurt her feelings" but that didn't change her avoidance issues - even though as she grew older she was able to adjust. My point is, maybe your son is not being mean, maybe he's bothered by something he's not okay sharing. My daughter is grown now but admits that she was embarrassed to say anything.

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