Why Am I Annoyed w/mil...HELP!

It certainly feels awful to be micro-managed by others. Well-meaning control freaks seem to pop up everywhere, especially as mother in laws. I would recommend reading How to Hug A Porcupine by Dr. John Lewis Lund. It goes over everything you have requested information on. It will outline how to approach your mother in law appropriately too. There is a way to get results without insulting and torching the relationship from your side.

Until you find a copy though...you can begin with reinterpreting the comments your mother in law makes either in a more positive or a more direct way. For example, if she is talking to you through your baby (yes, I know, it makes you want to pop) you can say, "it sounds as though you are concerned with me bouncing my son on my lap, is that true?" The answer will be yes. "Why is it that you are concerned?" She will overflow with a reason, probably something about shaken baby syndrome or the nature and dynamics of their over-sized heads. It might be this or some other reason. If the reason sounds legitimate, you can thank her. If it sounds neurotic, you can restate what her reason is and have her check the soundness of her own comment as she hears it back. This usually is enough to diffuse the concern for the over-anxious control freak. You can reset the relationship back on positive by validating her somehow at this point. Something like, "I am so grateful that you love your grandson. It truly is a blessing with so many grandparents these days being too busy to care."

The irony of all this though is that, if you are perfectionistic or impatient in any way, your precious child could possibly be feeling this same way about you some day. In a couple years as his wings start to need stretching, he is going to seem about to knock them into everything. And you'll be able to foresee and predict each incident simply from having experience he lacks. However, if you prepare now, you can avoid breeding in him the very same resentment you feel for your mother in law right now.

Good luck to you and may many rich skills enter your life now that you are a mother, ones your mother in law might be equally eager to learn or know of, but isn't using.

Hi S.:
To explain what your feeling in one word is,sensitivity.You are a new mother,and you take pride in the fact,that you are a responsible adult who is providing loving, adequate care for your son. Our husbands,have a special bond with their mothers,as will your son. You know,that your husband respects her views,her ideals.After all, she raised him. Right? When your MIL,leaves little hints or appears to be trying to tell you how to care for him,it makes you feel like she is being critical of your methods.You feel she's saying,"you don't do this right or that right"If it was anyone else,you would probably laugh and tell them "ohhh shush,I know what i'm doing silly" However,wether we want to admit it or not,its somewhat important to us for our husbands mothers to (believe,that we know what were doing) no, its not imperitive,but,we know that our husbands will eventually hear about our (downfalls)or little inadequacies,as nurturers,and we do want our childrens fathers to know we are mothering their sons with the upmost care.The reason your MIL is leaving hints, as though your son were speaking, is she is treading softly. She is trying to give advice,without coming across as bossy or critical.S.,opinions are like rears.Everybody has one!This site your on,is full of advice,from mothers with experience,and several different ideals on raising children.Many of them,you will concur with,and there will be those, that you will not. You take that advice, that you feel makes the most sense,and forget those,you don't think will be to you or your childs advantage.Its no different,with your MIL.She has been a mother,and has experience,yes.But, its ultimately you and your husbands decission wether you take her advice.Your the childs parents. You need to try and take her hints and suggestions in stride,and keep an open mind. There will be some advice,that will be sound and an advantage to you,as your son goes through his different stages.You don't want to make the mistake of tuning her off completely. You want to keep the family as harmonious as you can,for your sake,and that of your husband and son.Try to remember, that she loves your son,and any hints or advice she throws your way,is not because she just enjoys being critical.She sounds like shes trying not to offend you,and i can assure you,its done out of love for your son.Relax,and don't feel so pressured to be the perfect mommy around your MIL.After all,she was right where you are, once.I wish you all the best. J.

Hi S.. I know exactly how you feel. My MIL bothers me in so many ways it is hard for me. My own mother passed away 8 years ago, before I had my first child. I think part of my resentment is the fact the my own mother never got to meet my kids, and their only grandmother is my MIL. I know that is selfish and irrational, but you can't help how you feel. My mom would probably try to give me advice too, and coming from her I would either thank her or tell her she is crazy. You can do that with your mom, but you can't with your MIl. I have learned that she means well. She has the kids best interest in mind when she makes comments. Things are different than when her son was a baby. So, I let her say it and then I explain to her why I do things the way I do. We don't always agree, but I just have to remember that she says stuff because she loves my kids, and she isn't criticizing me. I hope this helps a little. Your MIL means well. You are a first time parent and I am sure you feel like she is being critical. Just remember she loves your child.

Hi S., there can only be one queen bee per household, moving in with relatives is never a good inviroment, you need to bein your own place, and your mother in law needs her own place and space, which right now she does not have. J.

my mil lives right next door,my son is now two and for two years all i have heard everyday is you need to do this you shoulkd do that S. you really shouldnt do that!!!!wawawawawawawawaw!!!!SHE GETS ON MY LAST NERVE!!!!but i love the woman and value her opinion, mabey insteed of fighting her take a little advice she just wants to help, when they are newborns its really, really bad, but it gets better .
but if its really that bad mabey you and hubby should sit down and tell her how YOU FEEL ,DONT HIDE BEHIND YOUR HUSBAND, YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF...GOODLUCK

Melanie gave excellent advice. The MIL is the person having a hard time communicating with you and I am sure she feels some of the backflash when she says these things.

The prospect of being able to stay home with your child may be of interest to you. I am a stay at home wife running a business from home also. It is a great life style!!

Good luck, Jacque

Hey there, I just responded to your other post when I came across this one.... I'm sure she is well-meaning, but totally understand how you feel. You mentioned having to go back to work. Have you considered the possibility of being able to stay home w/your son? It may not happen right away if financially your hubby couldn't support your family, but I may have a way for you to build a legitimate business from home. It's working for me!

http://www.HelpUStayHome.com

Best wishes,
C.~