Whos House Is It Anyways?

Updated on May 30, 2014
C.L. asks from Moreno Valley, CA
50 answers

I have a very important question: My husband and I have been married for almost 6 yrs this coming October. The house is in his name only since i was the one to move in here 3yrs before we got married. He does not want to add my name to the deed. He and his family have said this is not my house. I'm the one cleaning it, I'm the one washing clothes and dishes, cooking. I don't work because I care full-time for our 20 month old twins. This past March we almost divorced due to an incident, He go physical with me and I called the police. That's when he and his mom and sister told me he did nothing wrong and that this house was not mine but his alone and asked me what have I contributed to the house to make it mine. Well, since then we both went to counseling, he attended anger management for a day (he has a bad temper). We have been getting along better now but he wants nothing to do with my family and I want nothing to do with his....at least that's how we want it for who knows how long. I am just afraid that if something happens, I get kicked out of this house. Since March, and being told it's not my house, I hate cleaning it, It doesnt feel like my home anymore and I feel like the maid. When is this house really considered mine too?

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So What Happened?

UPDATE: My real concern is that if something happens to my husband (since he's always saying he's going to die soon), that I won't have nothing to take care of our twins. He's a Corrections Officer and most CO's have died young in their 50's as soon as they retire. I worry about this. His family did not contribute not one penny to this house so they are so wrong and retarded to say I have no rights and how dare they ask what have I contributed!! I really hate them!! But I don't want to 'hate' but just keep them away. I do pray every night. I will not worry anymore, I will be a happy person and happy mom to my children and that's that. I so thank you all!!! God bless each and every one of you!
I Wow! Lots of good advice! Thank you. I will consult an Attorney, definitely. My husband bought the house 2 yrs prior me moving in (with my now 21 yr daughter & 17 yr son-my 21 moved out to her dads). We lived 3yrs together before marrying in Oct. '04. He hasn't paid off the house. I do buy groceries once a month with my sons 500.00 a month child support. Since we got married we have replaced most furniture and bought furniture. I used to work but got let go and since he desparately wanted children and me being in my mid 40's, we did IVF and had boy/girl twins. Pregnancy was very hard on me. We do still have separate checking accounts. He does not want to add me to his account either. I did make him change the names from all his three Retirement Accts that I found out were under his parents names! I said F' that, so I filled out the paper work to only have them on my name. I am working on him adding my name to his checking acct. And HE WILL add my name to the deed of the house! I promise that. I am not getting railroaded by my husband nor his retarted family! Thank you for making me stronger by all your advice! God bless you all!! ;)

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

Talk to a lawyer. If it was entirely paid off BEFORE you were married then it's 100% his (the acquired bit, means that whatever was NOT paid off before you 2 were married gets split in half.)

So if it's an old family home, or if it was paid off in any other way before the marriage, it's his. If he'd bought it, but only paid of 1/2 then the remaining half gets split. If he'd paid off 20% then the remain 80% gets split. Etc.

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K.B.

answers from San Diego on

Wow. Sounds like a much deeper issue than who's house it is. You did right by going to counselling. If he still has issue with adding you to the deed, than you are still not on the same page. If you still feel like a maid, you need to tell him this and make him understand. Get more help, tell the families to butt out and then worry about the house.

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M.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

You should probably talk to an attoryney, but if you're in Calif, this is a community property state. Even though you are not on the deed, you would lilely have to sign quit-claim if he was to sell...good luck.

-M

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B.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I totally agree with those that say you should consult a lawyer.

Attend marriage counselling.

He should attend counselling for his poor self control.

My wife an I both have "fun Funds" where I don't account to her and she doesn't account to me for how the funds are spent. You need to put money aside so you can pay for the lawyer and for the future. When you accululate $2500 you can open a brokerage account and invest in good stocks paying high dividends. Have the dividends reinvested so they work like compound interest.

I'm not a broker so I'm not allowed to tell you which stocks to invest in. But banks pay less than 1% interest. Stocks can pay much more. Examples: Mcdonalds pays 3+%. Verizon pays 7+%.

If you look on mamapedia you can find lots of suggestions on saving money which will help you save household money that you can save and invest. Use your mom's address to have your statements sent to. If you can get a part time job, or even take in one or two children to babysit you'd be suprised how quickly that money will add up if properly saved and invested. The temptation is to spend what ever you get. He needs to exercise self control (his temper). You need to exercise self control (saving and investing).

Don't tell him about your personal account, but open and save for a joint account with him so he sees the results of your being frugal. Of course, the joint account will have both your names on it and will show more contribution to the marriage and give you more rights to the house and marital assets. (Consult a lawyer!!!)

I wish you and yours luck. The BEST course of action is to repair your marriage. You should Work hard at it. He should Work hard at it. But even though I haven't had a flat tire in 10+ years, I still carry a spare tire in both my car and truck.

I wish you and yours well and hope you can have a happy marriage.

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L.U.

answers from Seattle on

I don't know about CA, but in WA it would be considered HIS house because he bought it BEFORE your marriage and only HIS name is on the deed. If you got divorced or something happened to him then you are screwed, as are your children.
I didn't read all your responses, but most of them, and no one touched on the fact that this man was physical with you. He went to ONE day of anger management!? That's it!? puleeze. That wont do a damn thing. Especially since you say that since March he has been telling you STILL that this house is not yours. I am not saying that you should get divorced, but I am saying that you are getting treated the way that you are allowing him to treat you. harsh? yes. Truth? yes.
I would say a couple of things to him, and then stick with it.
#1. he needs to put your name on the deed
#2. he needs to attend more anger management classes
#3. You BOTH need to attend marriage counseling.
If he does not agree to all of these things then I would move out. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and that you want to make things work in your marriage, but that those three things are non-negotiable.
Good Luck, L.

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A.O.

answers from Sherman on

Well if it's not yours stop cleaning it!

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D.S.

answers from New York on

I would think it depends on the law of the state you live in. Legally I am sure if it is not paid off if is both of yours, in his mind however ( which is more of a concern to me) it is HIS!! And that SUCKS!!! He sounds like a selfish man with a selfish family. Protect yourself and get a consult with an attorney and see where you stand. You have two babies to consider!! I wouldn't want to live with that worry. I would think with you home caring for two babies, unemployed you would have all of the legal rights, but I would still check. If yo have no money of your own then maybe your family will loan you the money for a legal consultation and find out!!! Marriage is a partnership. Good luck!!

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L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but please read:

California is a community property state. Except as otherwise provided by statute, all property, real or personal, wherever situated, acquired by a married person during the marriage while domiciled in this state is community property.
Separate property is not included in the division of the community estate.

Separate property of a married person includes all of the following: (1) All property owned by the person before marriage.

However, here is one of many factors that are considered by states applying principles of equitable distribution:
Services as a Homemaker. Courts recognize that keeping a home and raising children are work. In addition, one spouse’s work as a homemaker often enables the spouse who is working outside the home to earn more money. Thus, services as a homemaker are a factor in favor of the homemaker. Some courts also apply a related concept of considering whether one spouse had impaired her or his earning capacity because of working as a homemaker. If a party can show his or her work as a homemaker resulted in missing the opportunity for training or for job experience that could have resulted in higher income, that factor can favor giving more property to the homemaker-spouse.

Also, for the determination of spousal support, the assets (including separate property) are considered. So are many other things, for which many are in your favor. Google search California divorce laws or consult a lawyer.

Since he owned the house before you were married, legally it is his. If you love him and you want to stay married to him, you need to convince him to take you to the title company and add you to the deed. That is the fair and right thing to do since (although not legally) you do own half of that house because you contribute at least half to it as well. But do keep in mind that if your name is now on the deed and you do divorce you need to force him to refinance in his name only again because if he continues to live in the house and stops paying the mortgage than you may be responsible for it as well.
Perhaps selling that house and buying one together might solve this issue as well and should be considered. It would give you a fresh start as a family and perhaps a new perspective on your marriage.

That is really crappy that he treats you that way. Obviously he has issues and it is good that he is trying to fix it, but I do think he needs more than one day of anger management. A lot of men think that stay at home mom's don't contribute, they just don't get it. You are not alone. You DO contribute, the house theoretically is half yours, and you deserve better treatment than you are getting. His family has no business getting involved in your marriage either, and there are creative ways to politely but firmly let them know that.

Marriages are not easy, they are a lot of work. Keep working at it and as frustrated and irritated as you are, stay pleasant and be nice to him. Only you can control how you feel and act. What you say and do will either add to the tension in your marriage or it will help keep things running smoothly and happily. It's your choice.
Good luck to you, and start praying for him.

Edit: I just read Suz T's answer and it reminded me of a Suze Orman show I saw (or maybe she was on Oprah that day), and if I recall correctly she suggested that you open a savings account and put all extra money you get in it. You should have your own security 'nest egg'. If there is a way to get an account in someone else's name, like a sibling, your mom, etc. do that so you then don't own it and he would have no knowledge of it. You can deposit money into it but would need them to get it out. It must be someone you trust completely and do not tell anyone (not your kids, not even your friends) about it. And make sure you don't leave deposit receipts laying around the house. It may feel sneaky and devious at first, but it's your right to feel comfortable about your financial future.

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3.B.

answers from Cleveland on

It depends on your state. In Ohio once you are married, the house belongs to BOTH of you. I would look up laws in your state, or call the police station and simply ask, can he kick you out of that house legally.
As far as him and his family telling you it's not your house, B.S.!!!! You are his wife, the mother of his children. And I guaruntee you've made it more like a home then ever before. There are obviously some deep rooted issues with him to have to tell you that it is not your house. Of course you are feeling resentful. What a jerk! You both need to go back to counseling. ASAP. There are some real problems going on here. And left unaddressed it will get worse.

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K.E.

answers from Jacksonville on

I know you are trying to work it out and I applaud you for that in a world where so many just give up on their marriages, but I see a red flag with the fact that you had to call the police, his family is unaccepting towards you after so many years and children, AND that he refuses to act like the house is yours and makes it well known that it isn't. Living in fear of your husband and what he may/may not do is not healthy for you or the children. Counseling obviously did not help much and you may need to start it back up for a long while until it does. It seems to me that he doesn't fully love and respect you and that he may have married you because he wanted a wife and mother instead of a partner in life. I'm not trying to make this worse on you, but staying in a marriage where your spouse is abusive, disrespectful and apathetic to the way you feel is not worth all the heartache. Your babies deserve a healthy, happy home and sadly that may mean the end of your marriage. Only you can make that decision and I wish you the best.

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I do not know CA state law, so hard to say, but I am sure you have a shot at it if you go to court, but do not leave it (at least in IL that is considered abandonment and I did it and lost my house!! Got the children though, the best deal on this planet was having them) So you see a house really is a frame to live in and if you are cleaning it, I'd stop since it's not yours and I'd seriously do this: start saving at least ten, twenty dollars a week somewhere. You aren't in a hurry for anything right? And that is so possible. And put it in a hiding place, bank account whatever, probably a good hiding place and voila, you've got something of your own. And it adds up, believe me. Then when he says get out you can say ok. And take the children and run. This man doesn't sound very loveable. In fact he doesn't sound nice, or kind or fun, or helpful, so why not let him clean whatever he messes up. You are still allowed to keep your portion clean. squatters rights. Sorry, but this man is a selfish monster. Good luck.

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D.K.

answers from Washington DC on

Tell your husband that if the house isn't yours then you're not going to clean it. In fact, I would say that if the house isn't yours then you shouldn't even be living there. He's not being a good husband if he won't put you on the deed. He's not providing you with the stability needed to raise your twins if he doesn't do it. Period. If he refuses to put you on the deed I would say that it's only a matter of time before he plans to kick you out with nothing. It sounds like he's keeping his options open here which is F'd up.

When you guys got married with you already living in that house it became marital property. If he can't respect that, then you need to go get your own property.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i don't know the legalities, but the fact that he tells you it's not your house and you don't feel at home there are too pretty huge bellwethers. if he refuses to put you on the deed (and thanks to the poster who pointed out the hidden dangers lurking there) you need to take other steps to protect yourself and your kids if he decides to break ugly on you again in the future, ie start paying into a savings account that is just *yours* (he has the house as security, why shouldn't your hard work at home have some equitable?) or purchasing a joint property.
stay away from his toxic family, and be honest with yourself about his efforts to improve his behavior.
good luck.
khairete
S.

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S.H.

answers from San Diego on

While CA is a community property state, the house was bought by your husband prior to marriage so technically it is his. However, once married anything that the two of you put into the house together becomes community property (i.e., any money paid on the house is now community property money, etc.). I realize you're not working so you're not contributing monetarily but the court system would take into account the work you've put into the house. While you may or may not get a portion of the house, the Court would probably take into account the work you've put in when awarding alimony.

I realize you've already responded as to what happened and I haven't read what others have said, but I wanted to clarify how community property works when the property was owned prior to marriage. During the divorce proceedings you would both fill out paperwork where you list the property you owned prior to marriage. Your husband will put the house on his paperwork. From there, the court system (mediators, attorneys, etc.) help to determine how this property may have been co-mingled with community property assets in order to split it accordingly.

I wish you luck, but I can say that you likely do not deserve (according to law) half of the house. You have to consider the down payment he put down without you, etc. If this is a family house and has been paid out of a family trust, you MAY be out of luck completely.

Best,
S.
**my experience stems from working at a law firm as a paralegal and my own divorce where I owned the house prior to getting married. I am not an attorney, and highly suggest hiring one esp. if your husband has anger issues**

A bit of an edit since many have responded since your post showed up in the newsletter - community property doesn't mean that it's yours once you get married. If he owned it prior to you, it doesn't mean it's automatically yours upon marriage. Anything you put into after marriage is now co-mingled and would need to be separated which is why many homes must be sold and then one person pays the other the portion the court determines you should receive.

A note to the person who suggested after 7 years you're considered married. Not in CA you're not. We are not a common law state, therefore, you are not considered married unless you've actually gotten married - property better be in both of your names otherwise, it's not yours.

By the way, it is very easy to put your name on the deed. You just need to fill out a Quitclaim Deed and add both of your names holding title as "Community Property with Right of Survivorship". When you hold property in community property, under current law, the property receives a full step up in basis to fair market value at the date of death. What does this mean? The survivor is only responsible for paying taxes on any gain from the date of death forward. If they sold the property the day after the death, they would not have to pay any taxes on any of the capital gains that accumulated prior to death. However, if the property is held as joint tenancy only half of the property steps up in basis, and the survivor would have to pay taxes on half of the accumulated gains prior to death. Therefore, holding property in a form of community property can have significant tax advantages.

Note that this does not put you on the loan, only the title. To be put on the loan, you would have to go through the loan process all over again which in your scenario is unnecessary.

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C.B.

answers from Kansas City on

wow. yeah if it's not yours and you don't contribute, why are you still being his maid - is he paying you at least minimum wage for that, i wonder. honey it sounds like you both need (*HE needs) MORE counselling. that is a hateful attitude and if you are with someone they should LOVE you....otherwise he should break things off (or maybe you should) because that is NOT love. sounds like your family would welcome you back and help you, with open arms. just a thought...

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I can certainly understand your resentment and feeling like a maid. Twins are a lot of work, albeit a joyful and enriching work.

I am not a lawyer and cannot therefore offer legal advice, so check with a lawyer to be certain. However from the details you've offered, the house will be considered "sole and separate property" (google that term). Anything your husband owned before he married you is his. If you contributed cash to help pay the mortgage payments or to fix it up, then you would have a claim to part of the value.

If you and your husband break up, he might be able to kick you out or scare you enough to get you to leave, but he must still divide your shared assets fairly. The court system will help make sure it's fair. Still, if you suspect that your husband has set things up to put you at a disadvantage if you split, you could find peace of mind by talking to a lawyer to get clear about where you stand now and strategies you can use to protect yourself in case of a future divorce.

A day's anger management class won't change a lifetime habit of poor impulse control (which is what a "bad temper" often is). I'm hoping your counseling is ongoing. Many marriages go through a "settling-in" period in the first years, and sparks often fly without burning down the house. I'll pray for you that your marriage becomes more peaceful and balanced. Your twins deserve that much.

Edit: having learned that your husband is a corrections officer, I can understand his side more - the lack of trust, the need for control, the physical force - these are part and parcel of his daily working life. It's inevitable that they will show up in his home life as well. In counseling, with the help of your counselor, bring up that your home is not a prison, but rather a safe haven; your husband is not your jailer, but rather your partner; and your children are a jointly shared investment in the future of the world, a sacred trust placed in your hands by God. Perhaps Promise Keepers would help your husband regain a balanced perspective on human nature and the value of love, respect and trust.

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M.W.

answers from Atlanta on

Not everything is so black and white And people can sue for anything. Just because your relationship changes doesn't mean that your address should. Talk a couple of lawyers and get a strategy together. He and his family sound like a bunch of looney tunes.That is your residence and he can not just kick you out.Best of luck keep "us" updated. I use this website for all of my legal ?'s hope this helps.
http://www.justanswer.com

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Y.C.

answers from New York on

This is the advice that my husband sends you.
Don't argue with him, check the laws in your state (without telling him).
At one point the house will be both of you property no matter what he or his family says.
Let him believe what he wants, so he doesn't know you know about your rights and he don't do nothing about it.
Every state is different so you do NEED to investigate this.
And agree with the other mom that suggest start saving money and hide it.

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D.M.

answers from Detroit on

Hi Sunflower----I guess that if there is a split and possible divorce, all of that will be settled in court. Be sure to get representation should that ever happen.

My biggest concern is to what would hapen if your husband would die suddenly. Do you have a will? If so, what is specified there? If not, please get one asap.

So that leads to the need of having a huge heart to heart talk with your hubby and find out what is behind his reluctance to add your name to the title. It sounds as if some marital counseling is in order. Good luck with all of this. There are just some things you shouldn't have to worry about.

D.

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M.E.

answers from San Luis Obispo on

What state do you live in? Many states have community property laws which means, if you are married, everything the two of you have together is 50/50. I am not an attorney, so I can't tell you for sure or give you advice, but I would look into it if I were you. Have you ever contributed to paying the house payment? If not, I don't know how it works, but of you have, then it is my understanding that you are entitled to part no matter what.

If I were you I'd start getting on the internet and see what your rights are. And make sure your husband never harms you or your children again. Good luck.

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M.O.

answers from Chicago on

#1 talk with a lawyer...know what your legal standing is in the house ownership and about what happens if he tries to kick you out of it at some point in the future.

#2 talk about this with your counselor. Your husband (and his family's words) are very rude and spiteful. I think you need to discuss his attitude about "his house" in that setting.

Best wishes!

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K.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

the day you got married it became your house! if you live in California the courts see it that way as well! Calif is a community property state! which means whats his is yours and what's yours is his! there is no legal way he would be able to kick you out! you have all of your belongings there and you receive mail there that's really all you need! when you get married its no longer yours and mines its ours!!
good luck!

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N.P.

answers from San Francisco on

Everything that Marda said is spot on.

I don't know if this will help but I googled your question and I got this website.

http://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce-property-issues.html

But I'm seeing a lot of different answers all over the place. The answer that makes the most sense to me to pass along to you is to go to an attorney and ask your questions. It may cost you a little cash but you need information and this is too important to guess at. There may be a way to fill out some paperwork to get your name on that deed.

You need to protect yourself and your children in the event of a divorce or his death. He married you, fathered children with you. You have some claim on that house after being married to him for nearly six years, but as for the hows and whys of it, you need a professional to answer these questions. Don't wait. Find someone to help you asap.

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K.B.

answers from Kansas City on

What ugly behavior from your husband and his family.

That is your house, you help care for it, you live there. He could not just ask you to leave.

On a legal note, since the house was deeded prior to your marriage, it's considered separate property. But that's not a black and white issue, there are several other determining factors. Especially if you have ever contributed to the mortgage or he refinanced the house since your marriage.

I really urge you to make an appointment with a lawyer in your area and make sure you know your rights very clearly. It's better to be prepared than to be blindsided.

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

OOOOH MAN!!!

California is a no-fault state but also a 50/50 state. Consult a lawyer.

It sounds as if you need marriage counseling and he MUST make his family butt out of YOUR marriage. They are family - but that doesn't give them the right to interfere in YOUR marriage.

If you get kicked out - the courts will make him pay you a TON OF MONEY!!! Or at least they should. You gave up your career to raise the babies, cook, clean, etc. you have no income.

If you feel like the maid - tell your husband he needs to start paying you for your maid services, as well as your child care/rearing. This is INSANE!!!!

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Unless there was a prenuptial agreement signed before you were married, then you and he own everything 50/50. You have contributed care and maintenance. To not continue as you always have might be a mistake. Even though you are trying to work things out, it would be a good idea if you consult a lawyer to be sure of your rights because your MIL and SIL might say anything in defense of your husband and they may not have any idea about what they are talking about.
http://www.findlaw.com

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S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

The house will never be yours as per his family and him not wanting to put your name on the title deed says it all. Tell him to get a maid to clean it and keep it need and tidy. You look after yourself and the kids - keep them and you neat and tidy ! How did you get married ?? How you got married says it all .. after 3 years you ar ehis common law wife and intitled to half of his assets anyway .

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K.T.

answers from Los Angeles on

Even if your hubby doesn't add you to the deed, in a divorce it would be considered mostly community property. You wouldn't get a full 50% of the value since he owned it before your marriage, but you certainly won't be left with nothing. The only thing to worry about would be if he passed away without a will stating that you were to inherit it. Then it could be a battle between you and the in-laws.

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C.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have been married for 21 years and gave up my job to be a full time mother of three kids and my husband did not put my name on the mortgage, but my name is on the Deed to the house. Either way eveything becomes both of your's after 7 years of marriage or marriage and being together as girlfriend and boyfriend, so if those two add up to more than 7 years legally that house your in is half your's. It doesn't matter if your name is not on the Deed or the Mortgage, because it is half your anyway, so don't worry about it, because if he says he doesn't want to put your name on it, he is not going to do it no matter what you say, it is a guy (controlling) thing. If it will make you feel any better go online and look up the legal rights that you have to that house your living in and then you don't have to have your name on it. It is not worth fighting over it, because he is not going to do it and you will just fight over it and hold a grudge against him for it, so let it go and enjoy you kids and your family and if you have to call a lawyer to know your rights! Just let it go and take a deep breath! C.

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Soon very soon and I have been down the road that you are on, but now I have been married for 21 years and I still worry about if this is my house. However I don't worry anymore to what it says on the deed, because I deserve this house just as much as my husband if not more. Don't fight about it, because you don't want your kids to not have a dad at home, because of a name on a piece of paper! Let it go and just try to know in your mind and heat that it is your house as much as it is his. Decorate it, clean it and do what ever you want to it, because in 7 years total it is half yours legally!

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S.F.

answers from Los Angeles on

Find out what a good house cleaner and a live-in nanny make. Add the amount for a personal assistant and personal shopper. Start charging him that amount and put it into your own retirement account. Fair is fair.

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B.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Sunflower, I have not read through all the responses, but knowing these mamas, you have already received a lot of great advice! My first thoughts are: I am glad you two are going to counseling; it isn't about names on deeds - it's about working together to make whatever house you live in, a home, a home for both of you and your family. Perhaps the two of you should discuss working together toward having something that belongs to both of you, a place that is "ours". His mom & sister were wrong in their comments, regardless of their motivation, legal or emtional. Do not even pay attention to them. Spend your energy working with your husband to build the life together that the two of you want. Stay focused on the love the two of you share. Peace to you both, B.

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C.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

No, it is not your house.

In CA you are entitled to 1/2 of what ever during the time of your marriage. so, if you got divorced he would have to pay you out on the house. 1/2 of what ever appreciation it accrued over 6 yrs.

I would recommend moving, selling, buying, new house in 2 names. I know that wont happen, but, that is what i did. it costs $ to change a title.

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A.H.

answers from San Diego on

As soon as you signed the marriage license the house was no longer his, it was ours(as in the both of you). It sounds to me like your husband isn't really committed to the relationship. I say take care of your kids, and don't let anyone tell you don't work- kids are more work than an outside job without the pay, and do just enough in the house that it's livable. If asked, just say "well, it's not my house, it's not my responsibility".

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A.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

Why dont you talk to a lawer and let him give you the answer good luck A. no hills moce counceling would not hurt goos luck we have been married for 61 years A. no hills

Updated

WHY DONT YOU TALK TO A LAWER AND LET HIM GIVE YOU THE ANSWER GOOD LUCK A. NO HILLS MOCE COUNCELING WOULD NOT HURT GOOS LUCK WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 61 YEARS A. NO HILLS

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S.Z.

answers from Reno on

Even if the house was in both names, somebody would have to leave it in the case of a divorce. But as far as deciding he could be physical during an argument because his name is on the deed - it wouldn't matter if your name or a landlord's name was on it, or if you were in a public place, store, park, hotel or anywhere else: your BODY is YOURS, and it's against the law for anyone to threaten or touch it without your PERMISSION.

Find out what fairly cheap child care in your area costs, and what house cleaning, errands, grocery delivery and such cost, per month. Make up a sheet that shows the cost over a year and say, "This is what I've done." Call it money saved, or your contribution to the house or whatever you want, IT HAS VALUE.

Good for BOTH of you for attending counseling. It might help to go back and get a counselor's input - men sometimes value the word of "experts" more than the word of their wives - sad, but true.

Hang in there!

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M.K.

answers from San Diego on

Yes, the others are right. This is a community property state and you would have some interest in the house, even if you are not on the deed. However, putting you on the deed would show intent to make the home community property and harder for him to claim separate property interest in it, in the case of a divorce. But, being on the deed alone does not make it community property, you would also need a signed community property agreement. I went through this in my divorce -- was on the deed, but no community property agreement.

My biggest concern for you is the lack of trust in the relationship and all of the separate finances. Sounds more like roommates than husband and wife. I pray that the counseling will continue to strengthen your marriage. Sometimes, after making all efforts, divorce is the right answer. But, it is really really hard to go through.

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S.D.

answers from Grand Rapids on

Every state is different. I live in MIchigan, and a married man can NOT own a house by himself. So even though my husband bought the house before we were married, at this point if anything were to happen to us and we divorced, half the house is mine.

I would ask your husband why he doesn't want to add your name to the deed of the house. I have been married for 4 years, and we just looked into it when we did our wills, and were told, it's just simple paperwork to add my name onto the house. So we are getting the few things we need and filing it. Just to be safe. I would suggest you do the same. I would really ask him why he doesn't want to add you onto the house. you are his wife. i could understand if you had just gotten married and it wasn't a top priority, but after 6 years together, there shouldn't be a reason to not have you on the house deed.

I will agree with you on when does it feel like yours. my husband bought this house with an ex and for the longest time it never "felt" like my house. My husband and I talked about it for the longest time, and I have to say having kids around has made it feel more like my house, and not "his" house. I have been doing a lot to add more of my touch around but it really was the kids that made if feel like mine.

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R.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi Sunflower,

I hope you can stand one more comment -- I never read these things until they show up in the newsletter!

I think a more germane question is "why does everyone care that you're concerned the deed is not in your name?" The implication is that your husband's mother and sister have some vested financial interest in the house, or think that they're protecting him from you as a potential gold digger. Unfortunately, it also implies that your husband doesn't trust you completely and has concerns that you will divorce him at some time in the future to his financial detriment.

I suggest that you explore this question from your own motivation as well. A reasonable explanation would be that you are concerned not only for your welfare, but primarily that of your and HIS children should anything happen to your husband -- be it divorce, incapacitation, or death. How will HIS children (the twins) be provided for? If something should happen to him, how will you have the legal authority to handle his estate on behalf of his children? If you should divorce, what assurances will you have for the children that they will be financially provided for? An attorney can help you sort this out.

Perhaps if you put your concerns in this light, your husband will understand that you're not trying to get something from him that he considers "his," but rather, you're trying to protect that which is his for the sake of his children. Sounds like it will be a tricky conversation, no matter what.

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G.Y.

answers from San Diego on

I think it all depends what state you live in. My first husband and I divorced. The house was in his name alone. I live in California. To get a divorce the house had to be sold and it was split 50-50. California law says if you are married and payments are made on the house then it is 50% yours. I hope this helps you.

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J.L.

answers from San Diego on

hi sunflower, In legal term it may be his house, but it is your home just as much as his. In The state of California what's his is yours and what your's is his. I would ask him in a loving way why he does not want to add your name to the deed of the house, share with him how how have taken his house and turned it into a family home. You also may want to mend the odds between the family's the way things are now are not healthy especially for your child. J.

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P.W.

answers from Provo on

When you get married. You share it completely. You need to take the responsibility on that it is your house, in a good way. It's your home and your job to make it a place where you can be home. Having 20 month old twins is a lot of work, and the work is stressful. Doing that work doesn't make your house yours, it is yours because you're married. You do the work because you love your family. Choosing to stay committed and choosing to love is the most important decision you make. You need to ignore the other voices in his family because they are derisive and damaging to you. That doesn't mean ignore the people all the time and never talk to them, but they aren't counselors or clergy and they aren't helping. You have made the decision to be home and it is a good decision. If it's what you want you need to stick with it and be proud of the work you do. It certainly doesn't make the house more or less yours.

Personally, I have no idea what the best idea is to do about getting your name on the deed. I think I would work on your marriage and family and in a year or two bring it up again, and say, honey I would like my name on the deed in case anything happens to you the payments automatically come to me and I can take care of the house easily. or since we're married and we share everything i want to share the house jointly.

My husband had two cars when we were married, and since we were married, yah, they were mine too, but he didn't want to get my names on them either. I don't know why, it's like it's too much work, or he felt awkward when it wasn't needed but it was something I wanted, kind of like, why do you want this? Anyway, we didn't ever put my name on them, but when we got a new car we put it in both our names for simplicity so either of us can sell it down the road, or call the DMV or whatever.

The bottom line is, it really doesn't matter if your name is on the deed, the other issues are what really matter. You could be the happiest person on earth without your name on the deed but in this situation there is likely a time where it will make you feel better if your name is. If he dies he'll leave you the house anyway. It seems like you need more counseling and a trip alone together so you can reconnect on things you have in common like hobbies and interests not baby related.

Things will get better. Not on their own, but you can work on this. People who have difficult marriages and work on them report more happiness than people who get divorced after a hard marriage. Your marriage is worth saving and working on, don't give up! It is worth it and will pay off in happiness in the long run. Since we don't see immediate results, it can seem even harder. I wish you the best!

P.

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D.F.

answers from Los Angeles on

I was in your place years ago. My first husband had the house a year before I moved in and said once we got married he would add my name to the deed. That never happened and after 9 years of marriage we got divorced. My lawyer advised me not to move since the house was not in my name and then he could say I left and didn't care for the house. He did try to say I didn"t deserve the money from the house and that it was his but I was able to show that I paid for my share of the house before and during our marriage so the judge ruled I got 40% of what it was worth. I was upset but at least I got some of it. He was also mad because he had to sell it to pay me my share and then he also had to pay me support for 4.5 years. Good luck to you and please take care of yourself.

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D.C.

answers from San Diego on

I'm missing something...Are you not married?
When your married everything is and should be "joint" like say when you file taxes! If he hasn't added your name to all your holdings, I'd say your screwed especially after 6 years!

Good Luck!

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D.W.

answers from Indianapolis on

I'd strongly encourage you to contact your state Attorney General's office and understand the laws specific to where you live.

My name is the only one on our mortagage. It's been that way since the beginning since my credit rating has always been consistently higher than my husband's (thus, we got a much better mortgage and rate) and because we purchased the house 4 weeks before officially getting married. His name IS on the deed, though.

A friend is going through a nasty divorce, and his wife, despite being the one to have multiple affairs has sole custody of their 2 girls per state law in Kansas. It's a mess, but it's how the state views custody.

Please also keep seeking counseling. It's really commendable that you've been doing it so far, but it sounds like there are deep-seeded issues that exist and will continue to exists.

Best wishes.

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S.F.

answers from Minneapolis on

Oh my honey, he thinks he's got control. But let me tell you that after you marry someone you own half of what they have. Doesnt matter if its in his name. Now you have his name. ANd if you have children its really yours. I think it is a control issue, alot of guys do this thinking that they save there own butts if it would end in a divorce. But its not true....secretly call a lawyer

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C.A.

answers from McAllen on

My boyfriend left 2 weeks ago with no reason, he wasn't returning my calls, i never knew he has another girlfriend, when i found out, I became jelouse and i became desperate to get his love and attention back, then A good friend of mine recommended me TO this SPELL CASTER Mr Robinson buckler, I was very skeptical about using a love spell i when i finally gave a try, to my surprise after 4 days that I had my spell cast by Mr Robinson , the spell started working straight away, I was absolutely shocked that my boyfriend called me to apologize to me, he knelt on his knees begging me to take him back, [email protected]____.com is the one of the cheapest and best service to use,
C.

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J.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

I had a father-in-law who lived with a woman for 20 years. She kept the house in "her" name only so she felt secure. When they divorced the judge took into consideration all the work he had done around the house for the last twenty years. She had to sell the house and they split the profit. They had no children together so you should not worry about your earned interest in the property and the family. The longer you invest in the marriage the better your position if things go south. Good luck holding things together.

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E.M.

answers from Detroit on

Hi Distressed! I can identify with your dilemma. It's hard to put trust in another human, especially one that's a man you've put your whole heart into loving. First; Congratulation mother of TWINS!!
Second:
What most women don't know is SHE HAS MORE POWER than she realize.
You as a mother, with your children--friend of the court will help you --AS A THIRD PARTY, guide you in what's your rights.
--remember- a woman is the legal parent of her children at all times--be you married or not.-- YOU, the person that lived in the house before he moved in with you-- get paper trail proving you was already in possession of the property BEFORE he moved in with you--and it was a joint decided to put the deed in his name--BECAUSE?--you two were married--and like most women do- make the mistake in -gave him permission/rank over what was your--your house.
*That's what's wrong with WE WOMEN--we let our LOVE JONES rule us when we get so wrapped up in our men.. Making them happy, comfortable, stroke their EGOS when they need it, meals prepared (maybe), keeping things in order, etc., that we forget ourselves. We let so much of our energy go toward what they want, how they want it- that we forget what we wanted. "IT WAS ALL ABOUT WHAT WE ONCE WANTED and DREAMED OF, WASN'T IT?".
A woman is a keeper--this is true- but we still make the same mistakes as our fore mothers have made--we give them (men) too much influence over what is ours'. As far as his family is concerned--THEY DON'T MATTER. When they made that BS comment about; " ...this house was not mine, but his alone, and asked (me) what have (I) contributed to the house to make it (mine)"? They, including him, forgot--it was you that helped him and made it possible for him to have a roof over his head in the first place. All he began to do was pay the mortgage--which he should have been doing without bit-h'g about it. Some mothers don't have the insight it takes to teach their sons better...
Third: If a man get's physical you once--it's a matter of time before he does it again...I hope it doesn't!

A man is mostly the same his whole life--I'll share with you --IF, WHEN I WANT TO, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO.

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T.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

CA is a community property state, meaining that once you are married items he buys becomes yours and items you buy becomes his... Only catch is that items you each owned prior to the marriage (i.e. house) would not be subject to community property laws. So if he owned the house prior to the marriage and you aren't added to the deed...it is his house. I think that if you get divorced it would be a tough call since there is a child involved and usually courts want to do what is best for the child. If you want to make this work...(can't really tell from your post) I think a lot more anger management for him and a good marriage counselor. Obviously if you aren't on the deed to that house, it will not feel like your home and that just won't work! He should put you on the deed or you both need to find a house that is both of your names.

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K.G.

answers from San Francisco on

If you are married...it's yours no matter what...my dad wanted only my name on the house cuz he is buying it mostly and if something happens-wants to make sure I am left with the house...realtor said...it's against the law in CA to solely be mine - once married..its split no matter what-don't remember name of law...maybe someone will explain more...

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