Where's My Other Grandpa?

Updated on October 21, 2010
M.S. asks from Westerville, OH
8 answers

My daughter is 31yrs old. her father has been totally out of her for the past 20 yrs. My grandaughter is 31/2 and is starting to put things together like who is who i.e. grandma and grandpa are daddy's mommy and daddy. I'm sure very shortly she's going to ask where my daughters daddy is. She know I'm mommy's mom. What do we tell her about her other grandpa? We really don't even know where he is but I'm sure her would NOT be a good grandpa.
Any responses would be very helpful. Thank you!

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answers from Cleveland on

I would tell the child that Mommy's Daddy had to go away a long time ago and that he did notcome back. I would never share any details with little people who do not understand anyway. It's not a lie and I would let it go at that.

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answers from Bakersfield on

Honesty is the best policy. We don't know where he is. Maybe when you grow up you can find him for us, his name is..... here's a picture of him......
Out of sight, out of mind. I doubt it will ever become much of an issue.
When she's old enough to understand and becomes curious about the word "divorce" then you'll just tell her that's what happened and y'all havent seen Grandpa since.

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answers from Monroe on

I'm have that problem with my husband's dad. He is only in our lives when he "wants" something. I gave my husband and ultimatum last year to kick him out of our lives or we leave. He kicked him out and the question from my daughter has not come up. My concern was that he is a bad man and does nothing but bad mouth everyone around her. Talked about he should have killed her "nana" who she loves dearly. I figured if I took him out of her life early she would not know. As far as we are concerned, my husband's step-dad is her papaw. She hasn't asked and she's almost 5. If she does I'm still not sure what I will say, but I will have to tell her one day. The greatness about them being so young is that with things like this, the topic doesn't stay around for long. When she gets older though, she will begin to ask. I'm going to tell mine that her daddy's father was not a very nice man, he was in and out of your daddy and aunt's life and hurt them (emotionally) for no reason. It is your choice, I just don't want you to be hurt like they were. - That's how I'm planning on the converstation to go! Good luck!



answers from Lafayette on

Don't be so sure that he wouldn't be a good grandpa. My dad used to beat my mom, stepmom, and siblings...and he's a pretty decent grandpa. He's changed. People can change.

Just be honest with your granddaughter without giving details. If you don't know where he is, say that. If he's in town but not someone that the mom doesn't want to introduce her daughter to, then let her know that he's made some bad choices and isn't someone that you're friendly with.



answers from San Francisco on

My moth and father split when I was about 2 1/2 and he never made any effort (that I know of) to be around and then he passed away when I was 8. My mother has very different views about how to raise kids and life in general, so we dont see her very often. My daughter calls my mother grandma and my husbands parents Grandma and Grandpa or Gram and Gramps. When she was about 3 1/2 she started learning who is who (IE Nana is my grandma, Gramma-great is my husbands grandma, Gram is daddys Mommy, ect...) I explained that my grandpa (papa) was very sick (he had cancer) and that it was his time to go to Heaven and that he was in the stars watching over us. With my dad, I just told her that he had died and sometimes that happens.

For my mom, we do see her once every few years or so and now that my DD is 7, she has been asking me to bring her to spend the summer. My DD asked me if she could (have to love when Grandma askes the child rather than the parent!) and I just explained that she lives too far away (she is in TX and we are in CA) and that she doesn't have the same standards as we do, like smoking (she thinks it is fine to smoke inside and around the kids, while we think it is a discusting habit and do not leave our child in that kind of atmosphere) and eating healthy, fresh food (she is fine with tv dinners and can veggies). My daughter was okay with that answer and hasnt asked again!

I do have a "step" dad, he is my youngest sisters dad, and she asked what to call him. I asked what he prefers and he was fine being called "grandpa" or "pops". She refers to him and her step-grandpa, LOL



answers from Dayton on

It may never come up. If it does, you could just say "he's gone" - and until she gets old enough to figure out to ask how he died, she may just assume that he's dead.



answers from San Antonio on

I have the same issue. I haven't known my father and my mother should have never had kids.
I have been telling her they live far away and we don't get to see them because they don't travel.
I stupidly told her once they had been mean to me and hurt me so I have to stay away from them. BIG mistake. It scared her and it made us seem at risk to other families when she shares it.(Wow, they must be murderers or something). To some fellow church members, we seem unforgiving.



answers from Cleveland on

There is a really good chance it will never come up. We have a very blended family, and a few other special situations such as my grandparents being divorced, an aunt younger than myself, my parents being divorced, and my kids being the 5th generation. They've never questioned who was who or why grandpa is married and grandma isn't or why they have great and great great grandparents on one side but it's just grandma on the other. Nor have they ever questioned why we don't see my husband's family. To them our very special family is perfectly normal.

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