When to Push, When to Give in and Do You Ever Stop Feeling like a Terrible Mom??

Make them go! It's good for them to have that independence and it's obvious they enjoy it. I've always made it a big deal when my kids would do things like this, especially when they were smaller. I always tell them how excited I am for them to do something and when they get back I tell them see, I told you you'd have a great time! Woo hoo! If you hold them back it'll get harder as they get older. Give them a push with a hearty woo hoo attitude!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

My daughter used to do this and will still sometimes beg me to stay with her. If I have the time, I allow a compromise. I will tell her I'll stay 10 minutes then when it's over I'll give her a big hug and kiss. It works every time.

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First off, look into a mirror and say this out loud once a day:
"I am a GREAT WONDERFUL FANTASTIC MOM!".
Because you are - most Moms are.
We just sometimes get to an age/stage where we question how to get through it and sometimes the self doubt can get to us.
Separation anxiety / transition between activities (home to school or school to home) can last a lot longer than most of us thinks it does.
And all kids get this to some degree.
My son use to cry every morning when I left him at daycare/school (up through first grade), but then when it came time to pick him up he'd get upset because he wanted to stay and play longer.
Sometimes kids are contrary creatures - just accept it.
When you leave them in the morning, give a quick hug/kiss and leave immediately - rip the band aid off quickly.
They might cry, but if the school has a window where you can look in unobserved - you'll see that even the most stubborn child usually is finished crying in 5 to 10 min and then they have a bright sunny day ahead of them.
Eventually they will learn to make the transition without the crying.

You are doing a great job. Continue to encourage them to have a bigger world and to branch out. Yes it hurts like someone is ripping the flesh from your body but we have them to teach them and to send them out into the world as vibrant contributors to society.

Continue to be support and encouraging to them as you send them off to vacation Bible school. My mom had to beg me to just go out side and play with the other kids up until I was about 11 or 12 years old. I preferred my books and tv over other kids. However my sister was quite the opposite she thrived at being outside with the other children. She is 4 years younger than me and an extrovert, I'm an introvert but at 12 I was ready to become a social butterfly and had loads of friends. My mom even had to encourage me to go to sleep away camp but once I got there I was fine.

Long story short. Encourage your children toward independence. It is hard but for their best.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I think this is really normal for some personalities. Of course we want our kids to be happy all the time and feel confident in trying new things and being away from us. *We* know that they are likely to have a great time, but they have no idea what to expect in these new situations.

I struggle with this with my daughter and I just try to know that it's part of who she is and it takes her a little longer than my son (for example) to be ready to try new things. I think you have to take each new situation as it comes. In our case, as she's done different things and been successful in new situations, she's gained confidence and grown more comfortable at doing more things.

Good Luck! You're a good Mama!!!

Separation anxiety is normal and they will grow out of it. Encourage them to try things and if possible be there to offer them moral support from the sidelines. However you as mom have to pay attention to cues when your kids are nervous or fearful. Ask them if there is anything or anyone who is scaring them. Kids are not always able to identify dangerous situations but you as a mom can. We live in a world where vigilance is very important.

All moms want to protect their children and not have the child nervous anxious or scared. But we have to allow them to figure out that they may have these feelings many times, but they CAN do this. And when they do it, they are successful.

This is just like when they were afraid to walk. Afraid to go potty, afraid to peddle a bike... We allowed them to try, to test, to fall down.. It is the beginning of learning they are a lot more capable than they even thought.

So just as you did with these other tough events in their lives.. Praise them when they do have a good day. When they do stay the whole day, when they make a new friend..

As they tell you all about their day and their good times, respond positively, but also let them know you were soooo busy, cleaning the house, running boring errands, paying bills, doing the laundry.. this will help them know you were ok without them, but also very busy and would not have had time to do the fun things they got to do..

As they get older you do not have to praise them about every little thing, but during these transition times, it is good to mention you are noticing some maturity, acting more grown up, but they will always be your little girls.

I am sending you strength mom, you can do this too..

You are normal for feeling this way!!! I think what you are doing is healthy. More than ok that they have their schedules. You need a break every once in awhile and it is healthy for them to have their independence.

Yes, we all feel this way sometimes, it's totally normal. I also totally believe that in some way or another, we all screw our kids up a little bit no matter how hard we try not to. The important thing is that your kids know that you love & support them unconditionally. It's part of your job to teach them independance & that they're ok to be on their own once in a while (as in during the day at camp, not ALONE-alone). You know once they get there they calm down & end up having a great time & you know the whole thing is for them in the first place. You just have to trust yourself & your Mama-skills to do what's best so when they cry in the morning, tell them to stop being silly since they know they're going to have a great day, give them both a big kiss & send them on their way!

I just finished up a week of VBS with my kids (2 & 4). I worked there so my 2 year old went into the daycare provided. She had a really hard time. They would bring her to me for snuggle breaks and we made it through the week. My son would run over for snuggle breaks during the day, it was really nice. I would encourage your kids next year to go again, sometimes we all need to be pushed a little bit to do things. I would also encourage you to volunteer and work at VBS next year if they have a daycare provided for the little ones. It is really a lot of fun plus your kids get to see you!

I felt the same way so I volunteered at VBS. It was an amazing experience.

The baby was in the nursery & the other 2 were in their rooms. I was not with either but had chances to peek in on them & gives hugs.
That way I was still around. It was the best idea ever!

It's good for them! Don't worry. It's not like you're going off to work every day.

Continuing to make them go and have them explore the world (as you have been doing) is what makes them independent.

You're doing a good job. Don't be sad, and don't worry. Your girls will have a great time at camp! You are a great mom, stop feeling like a terrible one.

this just happened with my almost 9 yr old daughter. She went to Grandma's house, like she has done every year for a long time, and this year was calling saying to come get her (6 hours one way). Finally I said, "enough, you are not allowed to call me upset, you do not have the option of coming home early, stop calling me unless you are happy and want to share something cool." She was FINE and enjoyed her last 5 days there just fine.

I do the same thing and feel the same way. My hubby is the one who nudges me and them too. I follow his lead and encourage them to do new things and it is a blessing. They are all older now and it's better. Trying new things and having a variety in life is extremely healthy for their minds and souls! Good luck!!

The fact that you're worried you're doing something wrong is, IMO, evidence that you're doing something right - you WANT to do what's best for your kids. Please extend yourself the grace you would want your kids to extend to themselves - the grace to forgive yourself and understand that you won't do everything perfectly but are trying your best, and that's what counts.

Beth Moore said something in one of her DVD's that always comes to mind when I have these "am I doing something wrong?" moments - she talked about how we moms think that if we can do everything right, our children will turn out well, but it's not that simple and we don't have that much control (and that's a *good* thing) - and then she added that Adam and Eve had THE perfect parent, God Himself, and they still messed up so no one can say that perfect parents will keep kids from messing up.

Here's another link that I've found helpful
http://www.pbs.org/parents/special/article-expectations-g...

edited to add: and it's totally a normal developmentally-appropriate thing for kids to go through separation anxiety (and totally normal for us moms to fret over it!). And, esp. since you've seen for yourself that they're happy at pick-up time, it's a normal and healthy thing to help them work through this stage by taking them to VBS and having them stay there even though they're having difficulty with the goodbyes - it's also a great teachable moment where (maybe not at that moment but at a time when they're happy and calm) you can tell them about how even grown ups get scared or anxious about unfamiliar situations but we take comfort in knowing God is with us, and in the same way *they* can remember that God is with them all the time even when they have to be away from Mommy for a time.

I can completely relate! I work full-time but we have a nanny so the past couple of weeks I've been so torn whether my daughters should have to go to camp or just stay home when they want. (camp's not all day). Someone just posted a great article yesterday from the July/Aug edition of the Atlantic magazine. See if you can find it. It talks about the dangers of our generation trying to just make our kids happy all the time. I look back and my mom was a SAHM and everything was made so safe for me etc and I'm not sure it was the best thing in the long run. I have a very easy life compared to the majority of the population but I think how hard life is is such a shock to me. Not like I didn't study hard as a kid and work part-time, I have several degrees etc but maybe things were made a bit too easy and safe for me. So I'm trying to find a balance between letting my kids be kids and feel safe and just have fun yet push them some, force them to be independent at times etc. But it's hard to know the right balance!

You can't avoid the sadness but you definitely have to be consistent and know that if they see sadness on your face, they will go to it like sharks to blood. Ok maybe not that violently but seriously, if they see that they can get to you, of course they will want you to give in.
Also, the most clingy children I have seen all belong to moms who are with them constantly. If you want them to be more independent, you have to make it so that they are away from you at certain times, and again be consistent. School should help with this. Good luck!!

I think you are an amazing mom and your empathy for your children is beautiful. Personally, I think you are doing the right thing. You are teaching them that sometimes in life we have to be a little uncomfortable and that is a GOOD thing! If we are never willing to go outside our comfort zone we miss out on many of the most amazing experiences this life has to offer! Plus, you are showing them that if they can get through the momentary sadness, there is fun and happiness on the other side. Both are wonderful life lessons that if taught young, can be carried through for the rest of their lifes and that is a great gift.
I have been through the same thing many times and I don't think there is a way to keep yourself from feeling sad when they are sad. But that sadness is a part of life and I try to look at it like this...of course they will experience sadness as they get older. If you can help them get through their sadness when they are saying goodbye to you and don't want to go, you are TEACHING them how to cope with sadness.
Let them cry, don't say "there's no reason to cry" (if they are sad, that's enough reason!) Honestly, teaching them to feel their sadness and cope with it is a skill that can you can help them learn. If you shield them from every situation that makes them sad then how will they learn to deal with sadness as teenagers? adults? Possibly drinking or drugs...anything to numb the pain.
Don't feel like a terrible mom! You are a GREAT mom and never be sorry for empathy!!