When to Announce 2Nd Pregnancy Given History of Miscarriages

Updated on December 21, 2010
M.R. asks from Olathe, KS
23 answers

I am about 7 weeks along with my second child. I have had two previous miscarriages and 1 pregnancy carried to term. We had to do IUI to get pregnant with my daughter 3 years ago. Last year I was pregnant almost the exact same time, saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound and then miscarried on Christmas of all days ;( Really devastating. I knew in my heart, something wasn't right with that pregnancy. We have been trying since spring and had an appt with our reproductive endocrinologist and low and behold, we were pregnant on our own! I had an early ultrasound last week and saw the heart beating. The doctor said everything looked really good and suggested seeing me every week until I get a little farther out given my history of trouble getting and staying pregnant. My question is, when should I tell family? We have a 2.5 year old daughter and I'd like to wait to tell her b.c she's highly verbal and if something did happen it would be constant questions. I'm not good at keeping secrets but part of me just wants to have a little better indication of how this pregnancy is progressing. I'm trying to be hopeful that things are different with this pregnancy, but I think I'm guarding my heart and may not be ready to share the news yet. Any advice? Anyone been in my shoes? I know miscarriages are very common, but it doesn't make it any easier. Thanks!

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answers from New York on

I don't know that there is a good answer for this one, but I'll give you the same advice my mother and MIL gave me... "Until you are safely out of te first trimester, don't tell anyone the good news unless you are close enough to tell them the bad news."

A very dear friend of mine had a series of miscarriages and waited until she was almost 20 weeks to share with the "world". Her family and those of us who had loved her through the miscarriages found-out around 10 weeks.

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answers from Raleigh on

I miscarried between my son and daughter. I waited to tell everyone (except my mother) I was pregnant with my daughter until I had the 12 week ultrasound. When I saw everything was going well, I shared the news.

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answers from Colorado Springs on

Congratulations on your pregnancy. That is such wonderful news. For me personally, I would want people to know. I like to have people praying for me and my baby. And, when I miscarried, it was so comforting to have friends and family know and be so loving and understanding. I have been so touched by the stories and hearts of the women who shared with me after I miscarried. And, even though my baby died, it doesn't mean that he/she never existed. I want my friends and family to know that we did have another baby who we never got to hold. It is a part of them, too. Even our little ones know. When we lost our baby on Thanksgiving, my 4 year old said, "The baby is with my twin in heaven." Yes, sweetie, the baby is. It is part of who they are, it is part of who I am. I think it is good and right to share our news, so our family and friends can celebrate with our joy, and weep with us in our grief, if need be. It draws us closer to each other. And, it is a beautiful thing, even if it is through the pain of loss. Blessings to you, and I pray that your baby will grow and thrive and bring you many, many years of great joy!

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answers from Los Angeles on

Congratulations on your pregnancy! And I'm sorry you've had to go through your previous losses. It's devastating! We lost our 2nd last year just at the 14 week mark, after we had started telling people about the pregnancy and the issues we were having.
I know the common advice is to wait until your 2nd trimester until you say anything, in case things don't go as planned/hoped for. However, I'm of the mindset that if your close friends and family are supportive, they should be with you to share your joys and your sorrows, and support you. If they're the meddling sort, and will make more of a spectacle of any loss, then keep it private for you and your husband, and maybe 1 or 2 close friends. Especially with your 2.5 year old, you may NEED help for a few days after surgery if something goes wrong. In our case, I had a very easy D&C surgery after our miscarriage, but I was pretty sore for a day or 2 after, physically & emotionally. It was nice to have my best friend and my sister-in-law help with my 2 year old.
I'm assuming your fertility specialist may be looking at all possibilities about why you're miscarrying. In our case, we screened positive for Down Syndrome at 10 weeks, did a CVS at 12 weeks that confirmed it. During the CVS, the OB confirmed that the baby had significant malformations and would not survive. When we lost the baby 2 weeks later, at least we knew why. A CVS is similar to an amniocentesis, but looks at placenta cells and does earlier diagnostics for genetic issues.
We're now 36 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. We did the same early CVS testing this time, just to rest assured that the genetic issues weren't systemic. We're both considered "older" at just over 35, so we were at increased risk.
I hope this helps, and that you're pregnancy goes well!

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answers from Columbus on

I am 10 weeks pregnant and had this same dilemma. I didn't know when I wanted to tell people. As I was thinking about it I realized that the people I was hiding the pregnancy from were the same people who were my support system when I had my miscarriage. If it turned out I did miscarry, I would want them there for me again. I also didn't want to live in fear of what might happen, I wanted to be happy about our new addition. So, I think you should go ahead and tell whoever you are comfortable knowing if you were to miscarry. I know how hard it is not to worry about not miscarrying again but please try to be excited and happy about your pregnancy. I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy! Congrats to you and your family!

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answers from Santa Barbara on

I haven't been in your shoes but would you be sharing the news of a miscarriage with your family should that happen in the future?? If so, I don't see anything wrong with sharing the good news now. Sounds like something wonderful to share. Best of luck!!

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answers from Redding on

When I got pregnant with my son, I didn't tell anyone, especially my daughter. I was bleeding and having complications and I just couldn't deal with letting my daughter down. She wanted a baby brother or sister so badly.
I kept it from my family. I had a miscarriage very far into a pregnancy and I just couldn't bear to go through people buying things and getting prepared if I might go through that again. I knew I couldn't emotionally deal with it. The first time, my daughter was so young that we have never spoken of it and I pray she doesn't remember anything. She was 3.
Anyway, I think you should wait. You are only 7 weeks. So far things look good and thank God.
I know it's hard to keep a secret, but I'm so glad I did. I waited until I was sure my baby was hanging in there.
He is a beautiful and healthy 15 year old now, by the way.
Take care of yourself. Think positively.
Know that surprises are the best when people have to wait for them.

I really feel for you and wish you the best.

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answers from Boston on

I would tell anyone you would want to know if you miscarried. I'm assuming that's your parents, maybe siblings. While there's sadness, there's no shame in miscarrying, so it's not like you have to keep it a secret (but of course you don't want to have to explain everything to your hairdresser, etc).

Don't tell your daughter. I wouldn't tell your daughter this early even if there was no history of miscarriages. She's too little to wait so long for the baby! She can find out right around when you start showing (4-5 months). That's when I told my daughter and believe me, that was still plenty of time to get her used to the idea.

Good luck!

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answers from St. Louis on

I would share the news with the adults in the family, but would wait until after the first trimester for your daughter. Adults "get it".....kids don't.

I miscarried at 10 weeks with my 2nd child. We had announced the pregnancy as soon as we'd found out, & having the support of friends & family was comforting. Our son was 2 at the time, & he was oblivious to most of the event. Congrats!

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answers from Modesto on

If you are willing to talk about the miscarriage if you have one, then you may as well tell people. If its something you wont reveal to anyone then dont say anything yet. If it were me I think I'd wait till the scary time is gone and then announce it. Chances are that anyone that knows you fairly well probably already know. Friends and family are pretty intuitive about such things and we don't pull the wool over as many eyes as we think we do.
congrats on your new bun in the oven :)

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answers from Kansas City on

I had miscarrage, baby, miscarriage, baby, baby, miscarriage, baby in that order. For some reason the first 2 miscarriages didn't bother me when I was pregnant with my 2nd or 3rd. But by the time I was pregnant with my last one I was a terrible mess. I expected things to end nearly everyday until I could feel her move. My best advice is to tell everyone, be happy, even with the doubts. You don't know that you'll lose the baby and life is full of disappointments. It's just part of life. Worrying about things won't change the outcome. But taking very good care of yourself will. So watch happy movies, read your bible, listen to music you like, and allow yourself to think that this baby will be born.

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answers from St. Louis on

Congrats on your pregnancy!! I'm sorry to hear of your past miscarriages. I would wait until you are past your first trimester to break the news. Like your 13th week maybe? Good luck!



answers from Tulsa on

after your chance of miscarriage is gone which I believe is 4 months.



answers from Lancaster on

I had three miscarriages before having my first daughter. I think it really depends on whether you are a private person who wants to grieve alone (if something does happen. Sounds like all is well with this pregnancy) or if you are the kind of person who depends on others for support. I chose to tell my mother and my sister right away so they could start praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I waited to tell everyone else until I was pretty much showing and couldn't have hidden it anyway.



answers from Boston on

seeing HB is great sign but I would wait until 13-14 weeks!



answers from St. Louis on

After my miscarriage we waited until after 12 weeks with our next pregnacy because that is the week that has the highest rate of miscarriage. Their is also risk at 17 weeks but it is much lower.

BTW Congratulations!



answers from Dallas on

I miscarried at 16 weeks earlier this year and it was really hard on my 2 and 3 year old. I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and we didn't tell anyone that we were pregnant until after the 12 week ultrasound because I wanted to protect my little girls from another hurt and, like your kiddo, they are both highly verbal and listen to adults talking. I wish you luck and peace.



answers from Philadelphia on

I would wait to tell your daughter given your history with miscarriages. But I would tell your family and friends for support no matter what happens.



answers from Phoenix on

Congrats on your new pregnancy! I am in a similiar boat, had 3 m/c's all after IVF Frozen transfers. We do have 1 boy from our IVF initially. Anyways after 3 m/c's, we are finally carrying and have hit 14 wks...I told most people at 12 wks just for comfort level for ourselves. Its so hard to share the good news and then break the bad news. But enjoy that you are pregnant!!


answers from Houston on

It's suggested to wait until the 3rd month or when you enter into your second trimester.

If you have a supportive family that won't be annoying and will be respectful should something happen, and doesn't go and tell everyone, then you can tell them sooner... so it just depends on how your family is, and if you can handle the anxiety.

I'm hoping for the best :)



answers from St. Louis on

Congratulations and best of luck to you! This is a very personal decision and you will have to decide what is most comforting to you. Things to ask yourself: Did you share news of your miscarriages? How far along were you when you miscarried? How close are you with your family? If you feel like you can't keep it a secret (who can?!) I think it's okay to share with family--they'll be supporting you no matter what. I had told my family initially, then told everyone else at 12 weeks, only to find out a week later that there was no heartbeat (after having healthy heartbeats/movement on u/s at 9 weeks). The following pregnancy we told NO ONE until I was over 14 weeks, but by then most of our family had figured it out anyway. I felt a little cheated during that pregnancy, like I wasn't celebrating and excited the way I should have been, so looking back I wish I had went ahead and told family so they could help me be excited (my husband was WAY more nervous/scared than I was). Best of luck, and again, congratulations!



answers from Atlanta on

If you can, wait until after your first trimester. I never had a miscarriage, but if I could have avoided telling until then, I would have. I don't know who you'll be seeing and what they're used to seeing you do, but my tell-tale sign was that we were going out to dinner with friends and to parties and I was drinking water or Sprite instead of beer or wine! If you can get by without anyone noticing over the holidays -I wouldn't say anything for awhile. I have several very close friends who have dealt with multiple miscarriages, and they were very quiet about subsequent pregnancies. I bet you're going to be fine though! Congratulations!



answers from San Francisco on


Congratulations to you on your pregnancy! I had a really horrible miscarriage in the early part of the 2nd trimester. If I were you, I would wait to announce until you are at least 13-14weeks. That way your chances for miscarriage go way down. Until then, take care of yourself and enjoy this little secret with your husband.


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