When Should a Child Attend a Memorial Service?

I believe that death is a part of life and all children should learn that this is something that can happen. Although 2 is very young, I don't see any reason not to include her. Funerals are a celebration of life in my opinion and they should be shared by all members of the family. Besides that, she's not likely to remember anything that will traumatize her. My daughter was 2 1/2 when I took her to my grandmothers funeral. She doesn't remember a thing about it.

I took my youngest,who wasn't even 1,to my grandma's funeral.I had all 3children attend the viewing and the oldest went to school and my middle went to a different aunts house.But i believe it's something all children need to be a part of.....
Good luck
J.

When my daughter was 2, my grandfather passed away. The only thing she went to was 1 viewing. It was too much for her to attend everything so she was with a sitter. We took her pjs with us so we could get her ready for bed before we left. This way we could put her right to bed.

My kids are a little bit older than your daughter and I think I would take them but be prepared to leave if necessary. Maybe take 2 cars so you can leave with your daughter if she seems overwhelmed, tired, etc. Maybe choose to attend each of the services for a short while or pick only certain ones to attend. I would not feel bad about finding a compromise. I would also take snacks and keep her close by so you can monitor what she eats as well as how she is handling the whole situation. Blessings to you.

My personal opinion is that you should bring her. It is not so much as showing her off, but in allowing her to be a part of the celebration of life of her great-grandmother. Even if she was not close to her. It's about the family coming together and paying their respects. I have taken my children to memorials/funerals as young as 1 years old and they were fine. I always bring snacks and quiet toys to keep them entertained, if need be. As far as your daughter's food allergies, you and your husband will be with her so she will be fine. Just keep her close by. Lastly, I think this is about supporting your mother-in-law in the loss of her mother. Good luck and I'm sure everything will be fine. Take care.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss! Personally I would allow her to go for respect of her great grandmother. Although you say they were not close I am sure she was very proud to have such a sweet greatgrand baby! When my Husbands grandmother passed away last April both of my young boys attended the services. Sometimes it's a tougher decision when they are a little older & more sensitive to the subject. As far as the food allergy maybe only allow her to be seated with you or your husband so you can monitor what she is around. If need be leave before any food is served & or pack for her so it's clear she is on a strict diet.
Good luck with your decision.

Hi, It's your choice, plain and simple. Your child, your family, your choice. With that being said, I don't think 2 years old is too young for a child to go to a funeral. My two are now 5 and 7. They are have to been to two funerals, and 1 memorial service (for their grandfather who's body was donanted to science). They did fine. Yes, they cried, yes they were sad, yes they were curious, and we answered their questions as matter of factly as we could. Death is nothing to be feared. It is a part of life. I personally believe it is better to "introduce" them to it while they are young. I know some would strongly disagree with me, it is just my opinion. Now your concern about the allergy issue...I think that would concern me more. If you took her, I guess you would have to just make sure you or your husband is always with her so that no one gives her something they shouldn't. Again....you do what you feel is best. Maybe just go to one of the services. There are always going to be family or friends who don't understand or don't agree with your choices. That is life. God put us in charge of our children, not them! Good luck, I know you will make the decision that is best for you and your daughter.

A.

J.,
My brother was killed in Iraq in March of 2007, when my son was 17 months old, and my nephews were 14 mo, 20 mos, and 6 1/2 years old. All the kids attended all of the services, but so did my other brother's in-laws. They had the kids in the back of the church playing with toys during the wake and the funeral service. The kids attended the internment and our spouses attended to them. At the reception, the kids ran around and played. It was a blessing that they were there because it made us smile. My son asked a lot of questions about where Uncle Dennis was, but more today. I am happy he attended, but had he not, I don't think there would be any difference in him or his questions.
With that being said though, you have a concern about your child's allergies. You have to do what you feel is best for your child and if that means skipping the services, do it. You cannot allow people to get her sick just to appease them. 2 is still so young that telling her not to accept food from others may not work. Go with your gut.
I'd try to get a sitter for the baby so that you could attend though. That way, it doesn't look as if you are trying to be rude or disrespectful in any way. I hope this helps.

Hi J., This is a really personal decision that can only be made by you and your hubby. I don't believe that small active children belong at such services as a general rule...but it is truly a personal decision. You have to decide what is best for you and your family. When my oldest was 3 and my middle one was 1 we lost both of my husbands grandparents within 3 months. Their funerals were out of state for us at the time and we stayed with extended family that our children didn't know well and we ended up taking the baby with us to the calling hours which worked out okay...but we didn't take either with us to the funeral or the gravesite services. Now our children are teens and depending on whose funeral it is we talk to them and give them the option of attending....some will not be optional but we haven't needed to deal with that issue yet. (Thank goodness!) Follow your common sense and do what you think is right...your MIL will just have to get over it!

In my family, the children attend. Typically the older kids have cards and small quiet hand held games and help to entertain the younger kids.

There's no question in my mind that my daughter, 16 months, wuold attend everything I did. I would, however, have a back up plan in case her behavior deteriorated. But typically lots of snacks, drinks, and a new dollar store toy or two should cover her pretty well.

Many times our extended family only sees each other at weddings and funerals so every opportunity is precious to us.

S.

Hi J.,

The reason for the family's going to any type of function that a family member is a part of is for "RESPECT"

It is about honoring the life of a person who has passed.

Death is a part of life. It is best for all of us to understand that when we are young so that we don't become afraid of it when we get older.

Hope this helps. All the best. D.

Go with how you feel. I have been to services with 2 year olds, where it has been fine. When my grandmother died, I did not bring my daughter, who was 26 months, even though she knew my grandmother well; when my brother in law died, I would have brought her...she was 4...but she was sick. I did bring my daughter to several funerals when she was about a yr old, but we were out of town, and there was no one to watch her, and the family was fine with her being there. You just have to judge for yourself. As a professional said to me when my daughter was 5 and a friend, a child, died, and we were wondering what to do...there really is no right or wrong, it's how you, as the parent, feels. (We did bring her to that funeral, when she was 5. The brother of the girl who died was 2 and was in attendance.)

There are some families out there who think everyone should gather and attend regardless of age. However, I think it is something the parents should decide. It won't hurt her to attend, but it won't do anything for her, either. She's only 2, and you'll spend half your time keeping her occupied during the service, rather than actually paying attention yourself. Go with your gut. Especially if you would also have to watch like a hawk to be sure someone didn't feed her something she shouldn't have. Be prepared for your mother in law to be upset with you, but maybe your hubby can be the one to break the news to her, so it's family to family, versus an in-law battle. :-) Frankly, I think a child of any age could go, but the decision should have more to do with what the parents are comfortable with, and obviously you are not comfortable with this idea. Could someone on your side of the family babysit, or is there some good friend who would enjoy your daughter for that day ?

Good luck. Emotions run kind of high at these times in people at these kinds of times. You'll laugh, but when my 25 yr old niece came, we brought our kids (10 and 12) to the visiting hours, to stay there the whole time and my mother thought "it was no place for children". So I checked it through with my niece's more immediate family, whose response was, "I don't do well at these things, and having the girls there will help me cope." So they came, they did just fine, and they helped their older cousin have something other to do besides talking with people she didn't know. At their ages, and given the fact that they didn't know her all that well (she was the wife of an older cousin), and given who my family is, it was a safe time to learn abour death, and it went very well actually. But they were a WHOLE lot older than 2.

You have good instincts, Mom. Use them.

I would just look at this form a practical perspective. It's no one else's choice if your daughter comes. It's rough for a two year old to hang in there for so many hours for somber events. Maybe she will be a joy and a distraction in a good way for people there, but she won't understand it.
It's up to you. Claim she's not feeling well and leave her home if you want. Don't feel bad!

Hi J.-

I was just at a funeral yesterday. There was a 1, 3 and 6 year old there. I think people mostly welcomed the distraction. They were all well behaved, too. As mostly everyone else said, it is completely up to you. If you don't feel comfortable, then don't do it. What does your husband think? I know you want to appease everyone at once (your mother-in-law, other family, yourselves) but obviously you can't always make everyone happy. So honestly, I would do what you feel is best. I don't think it would be inappropriate for her to come. On the other hand, I don't think it's a terrible thing if you leave her home as well. Go with your gut!!
Good luck.

Hi J.,
Not only are the little ones are a welcomed distraction, but also a tribute to the life of the deceased. It is really a beautiful thing. We took my son to his great grandfather's visitation and funeral. And, people were understanding. That being said, one of us had to walk out into another room for a cool down at the funeral home and to the back of church for about 1/3 of it. He couldn't make it through everything perfectly, like most little ones. Our son just went along for the ride and had to be managed, but I'm glad he went.
Also, we struggle with food allergies too (nuts, eggs, sesame). But try not to let it limit you more than it has to. Also, keep at it...some of the relatives that didn't really get it, are now some of our son's biggest activists. Best of luck!

It is a totally individual decision that should be made by you & your husband, no one else.
My great grandmother passed when I was about 10, my sister was 8 and my brother was 6. My parents left us at home. They felt it was inappropriate or maybe just unnecessary for us to go to any of the services. We stayed home. I don't remember any of that, I just know it b/c they told us that when we got older. All my memories of my great grandmother are of the times we spent with her at home. I have quiet a few of those (we saw her 2 or 3 times a year). I'm glad I only have good memories.
That said...when my grandmother passed most of my cousins brought their children who varied in age from about 7 down to a few months. (We only had a viewing/memorial at the funeral home). The home had a basement play area for kids. That's where they spent most of their time. The event, though sad was more like a family reunion than a memorial (which is what my grandmother would have wanted) & it was really nice to see all the kids.
I think its totally your decision & you have to do what you are comfortable with.

I don't know anything about allergies and everybody handles death differently. With that in mind...

In our family kids go to funerals at all ages. It's a fact of life. If you don't freak then they won't. I know adults that get all worked up but funerals have never bothered me b/c they've always been a part of my family memories. I think it's great to have young kids smiling and happy at a funeral b/c they don't know what's going on, it helps heal the loss a little. Also it's a great place to show off a grandaughter. The older generation is losing those they knew and loved and letting them shower positive attention on the next generation should be part of the mourning process. I've found the kids that go to a funeral for the 1st time at age 12-18 are usually the ones having a hard time with it. Please remember though, all families handle death differently I don't think this is the only way...

Personally I don't see it as showing off, you can't imagine how much comfort seeing a small child can give. My youngest dd was just an infant when I took her to a friends funeral. The grandmother sat there and held her as I went through the line. It was such a comfort to her as she held my daughter and said goodbye to her 20yo grandson who died in his sleep for no apparent reason.
Of course you don't want a child that is going to be screaming and carrying on either. But I think that they provide comfort more than anything

Well, it is obviously not a question of it being too scary for her-she is 2 years old and will have NO concept of what is going on. It is a question of how her behaviour will affect the services. Can she sit still and behave? If she can I would bring her. Your mother in law is doing you a huge service by watching her. (I sometimes think that women who have an immediate family caregiver sometimes take them for granted.) If it will make her happy upon the death of her mother I think that it is really the least that you could do for her. HOWEVER....I hate that her family sneaks allergens to you child. I would say to her that you are happy to bring your child but if you see anyone trying to feed her you and the child will have to go home. Just say it firmly and matter of factly.

No you are not being over protective. The decision is totally up to you and your husband. If you feel it would be inappropriate for your daughter to attend, tell your MIL that and don't feel bad. It would be best if your husband would tell her though.

The decision of when a child is old enough to attend is strictly individual. Some kids are ready younger, some are not. Do what you feel is right for your child.
You and your husband know her best. I have taken my kids to funerals at that age and they did fine, but it is strictly an individual decision.

It really is sad that family members would deliberately try to feed your child foods that she could have a severe reaction to. I would protect my child and limit her exposure to such unfeeling people. Maybe they aren't unfeeling, just ignorant, but still it could be a dangerous situation for your child if they don't heed your wishes.

Dear J.:
Sorry about your lost.
Now, as far as letting the children go to a memorial, it really depends on the parents. It sounds like you don't want to go so explain to your husband that you understand he has to go because it was his grandmother; however you don't want to take the children and then tell him the reason why; but be very sensitive to his needs. I'm sure he'll understand. Also, make a cake and send your love to the other family members.

My daughter was around that age when my husband's great grandmother passed away. We took her along. We don't see that side of the family very often and my mother-in-law wanted both our children there. It was very important to her. And in a way, was a bit of joy in the sadness of having just lost her grandmother. I'm assuming since it's a memorial service, there will not be an open casket, so in her eyes it would probably be about the same as going to church. As for the allergy issue, wow, it's just sad that they don't get the importance of not sharing their food. Just emphasize that importance again (of not sharing food) because it could be very harmful to your daughter's health....and of course keep a close eye.

Dear J.,
In my humble opinion, i would not bring my 2 year old to a memorial service, viewing, and following gathering. When my mother died 2 years ago, my husband and I decided to take our then 4 year old daughter but leave our then 2 year old son with a good friend. Now understand, this decision was not made lightly as my son saw my mother every week if not more and they had a very close grandmother/ grandson relationship. But my husband and I felt that the entire procedure and demands placed on our son would be too difficult for him. When my husband's mother died a year later, we both felt our son was able to understand and behave accordingly during the memorial service. The pastor had reservations but after the memorial, praised our children for their good choices & behavior.

I think the expectations & demands placed upon your 2 year old would be overwhelming for her; not to mention the risks associated with watching their food consumption regarding their allergies.

Again, just my humble opinion.

I am so sorry for your family's loss.

Sincerely,
ann m

Kids that age really absorb the emotions around them. The tension/grief will be palpable. I personally wouldn't bring her just to appease the wants of your (sound like) somewhat selfish in-laws.
I had 3 (yes, 3) funerals in one month early winter. I did NOT bring my dd, for the above reason. I felt that she may think that people there were upset with HER, and I wouldn't be able to explain in terms that she could understand that that wasn't the case.
Why not put it on them (in-laws) and tell them that your daughter's allergies and their seriousness hasn't been respected and you will not expose her to a potentially fatal environment? (that mad me so upset when I read that they try to share food despite your warnings...aghhhh!)
Whatever you decide, honey, you will do the right thing...you sound like a very good, conciencious Mom. :)

quoting JenS
"Not only are the little ones are a welcomed distraction, but also a tribute to the life of the deceased. It is really a beautiful thing."

make your little one a special pretty name tag on it that says Hi I am XXXX and I have food allergies, please do not feed me.

My children have attended every funeral that I attend that is family related. It is our job as a family to support, celebrate the life, and bring comfort to those we love. Little people bring balance to the situation. They have been to three funerals since Dec 17th.

J.,
I would arrange for your daughter to stay with a sitter intead of attend the service. Chilren her age do not understand the grief and sadness surrounding them at such an event. Behavior would be another concern of mine. Children (at least mine) are not wired to sit quietly or entertain themselves quietly for any length of time. It sounds like it would bring even more stress into the situation to include your daughter. If interested maybe she could just attend one part of the memorial. It especially sounds like you may want to keep her from the fellowship as eating some of the foods (as fed 2 her by others could be dangerous. i would feel more comfortable making other arrangements for her. if anyone comments just say your not comfortable exposing her to the reality of death at such a young age. She will learn in time but not quite yet. Good Luck!