When Is a Friend Not Really a Friend?

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them."
I think this quote helped me realize why my friendship failed. Different situation, but in the end I came to realize that even though she dissed her family a LOT...she was always going to put them first. I couldn't understand because I was always willing to put her first. So I backed off and fixed my own family relationships and realized family first!

Who knows?? Something is going on with her and she's not sharing. I have a 'friend' who does the same thing. Except she won't answer the phone when I call, I can call a couple times a day for 2 days in a row and she doesn't answer or call back. It's so difficult, she was my best friend and I miss her terribly.

But......

Never make anyone a priority who considers you an option.

Wow, I would be just as upset as you about this.

It does sound like you have just had the year from hell and could have used a little support from who you thought was a good friend. It truly doesn't sound like she values you at all. I had a "friend" that did stuff like this to me when I would have gone out of my way for her and had previously. Finally, it just blew up. We are not friends anymore. It has been a few years, but I still feel a deep sadness when I think about her.

Someone else said it in their answer and it resonates with me..."Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option".

Perhaps there is something going on in her family that, for reasons of her own, she is not comfortable discussing the details with you.
I once wrote off a dear friend because she didn't come to my wedding, even though I knew she was in town. I found out later that her husband had recently left her for another woman and that she was dealing with depression so severe that she was close to suicidal.
We have repaired our friendship and it is now stronger than ever, but we didn't speak for over a decade because I acted without having all the facts.

Okay, after reading this I can see why she hid it from you. You are overreacting and I get the feeling she knew you would overreact so she tried to hid it from you.

I am pretty sure she didn't think when she posted the picture. I look at my friends Facebook pictures from time to time. I don't look at dates, I don't scrutinize where they are or why it isn't with me. I have never heard of someone going this nuts over a picture.

Pretty sure your third degree is why she is uncomfortable with her upcoming visit. The only thing that seems weird to me is your snooping and your reaction. Perhaps it is due to the crazy amount of stress you have been under this year. I just know I would be running from you if you were my friend.
_________________________________________
Okay I just want to add because my response seems harsh, it sounds like there is a heck of a lot more going on here that you posted. Like the only reason I would lie about being in town would be if I knew my friend would overreact.

I just feel like there is two sides to this and neither is at fault but you need to see your reaction is extreme if you guys are going to be friends. People should be able to travel without fear they will offend a friend, ya know? I kind of feel sorry for the kids because they seem to be getting along fine.

I think if she were a good friend she would stay in touch with your family while you were going through this terrible year. I think she is thoughtless and rude.

She is the definition of fair weather friend.

You are now armed with truth. What are you going to do with it?

We go back to our old town now and then and I dont tell some of my friends that I'm coming because I know I cant visit all of them. I hurt one of my friends feelings pretty much the same way.... I had to tell her I was sorry but we were in town because of "this and that" and did not have time for a visit OR I would have let her know I was coming. We are still friends.

Well, I don't feel like you're over reacting, but I do think you value (or valued) the friendship more than she does, and that's where your hurt is coming from. I would feel the same way, and have been in your shoes similarly, until I came to the conclusion that I placed a higher value on the friendship than the other person. If your kids are good friends, I would allow that to continue and just recognize that that will be the extent of your and this other woman's relationship.

There's a saying "friends for a season". Perhaps your season has run out and she has found a new one.

I had this happen with a friend. We were close and all of a sudden things did not add up. It hurt like heck but I figured it was what it was. To this day it hurts but I have found several new friends to fill the void and enjoy life.

Enjoy your new friends and have a good holiday season. Life is too short to dwell on the what ifs or should have beens.

The other S.

PS Perhaps she cannot handle the fact that your husband is ill and needs you more.

Sometimes friendships fade, especially when you don't live close. It's sad, but its life.

If you come off this angry and "You MUST see ME" with her as you do here...well, that's why she feels she must choose and not even call when she's in town seeing someone else.

She figures you will not respond at all well if she says, "By the way, we're coming down to see X just for the day next Saturday. I wish we could see you guys too but it's just a day trip so we can't -- I'll have daughter give your daughter a call when we get back." It sounds from your post as if this might not be enough for you and you'd give her a hard time for not forcing in a hurried, harried stop to see you on what would be an already jam-packed day trip -- as opposed to saying, "I get it! We'll see you next time! Have fun!"

You're also down on her for staying with her own sister rather than with you. Did you consider that maybe she has made it up, or is trying to make it up, with the sister? That maybe she wants to stay there for reasons you don't know about? You leap right to judgment and assuming she is choosing her awful sister over you. Sister may have changed; sister may be ill and needing support or under other stresses; you don't know what might be going on but you're ready to be hopping mad that friend didn't choose you first.

It may even be that she has problems you don't know about and she doesn't want to share just now--even with her best friend. Maybe you need to ask if all is well, instead of assuming she's just a lousy friend.

Is it possible that in the past, before she fell out of touch, you were needier and more demanding than you realized? Could you see that if you really looked objectively?

As for her not staying in touch with you in your tough year -- Have you never, ever known anyone who said, "I didn't want to be in your way"? I know people who get shy and clam up when others have troubles because they do not know what to say and feel helpless and useless. So they fall out of touch. It is not ideal but it also is not meant to be cruel or thoughtless -- they genuinely do not know how to function or even what to say, and they fear they will say the wrong thing, make things worse, be in the way. It's not true, but it's what's going on in their heads. I guess perfect people would be there with a tray of food and a "What can I do?" but real people sometimes react to problems by going underground in the mistaken -- but not evil -- belief that they can't be any help. That doesn't do you any good of course, but could it possibly make you forgive her?

She is not your friend anymore. Maybe if you think back the friendship was one-sided when she lived here too? If it were me, and I found out she was 15 minutes away and couldn't even meet me for lunch or give me a call to explain why she couldn't meet me before coming, I would have ended it there. Why continue to pursue this friendship anyway? You are paying to travel long distances to see them, and they are not reciprocating. You and your daughter need friends in your area.

Why on earth did you OFFER to have them stay at your home after this? So now you are babysitting her daughter for 4 days while she has some free time and is not offering to see you. You are being used, and she is not even trying to mask it. She sees you as a doormat who will do it. And she has told you are are not ALLOWED to be hurt - what gives her the right?

I would explain to your daughter that friendships grow apart, especially if they move far away, and to start focusing more on friendships close to home, for the both of you. If your daughter wants to continue to talk on the phone or email the other girl or whatever, then let that happen, but no more expense to travel to see her.

I would get out of your 4 day babysitting deal any way possible "sorry DH is not feeling well, we just can't have Suzie here at that time." Then never contact her again. You will find the "friendship" will quickly end permanently once you stop making an effort.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this after such a hard year.

It would have been a totally different thing if your friend had said 'Gosh, I'm so busy with this family stuff, but I really want to meet up for coffee when my daughter comes to stay with you" or something. It would have been different if she would acknowledge that you were hurt and didn't belittle your feelings.

I have been in the position of being 'in town, can't visit'. It was awkward, and I felt badly at the time, but it was unavoidable. So I do understand it. And I did keep things on the down low, but I wouldn't have had any trouble at all understanding that my friend might have been hurt. (and never would have posted pictures. duh.duh.duh. )And then I would have apologized profusely and explained that weird situation I had been in.

At this point, I would let the friendship be between your daughter and hers. There isn't much else you can do. Personally, even if I didn't agree with why a friend was upset with me, I would try to reach out and see what I could do to mend the friendship. Gamma G is right-- your old friend is just not interested. It doesn't mean that it's you. It could be that it's her. People do change. I'd chalk it up to 'let it go' and then, if she reaches out, let her know that this can't happen again. If not, concentrate on those friends you know are dependable and who do care. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. Good luck.

When you find yourself asking "Is this a friend?"

This happened to me. I just realized at the time my husband became totally disabled. They didn't want us to become a burden on them and we were not fun anymore I guess. We had no money because the doctors got it all.

I think you're over reacting as well and making a big deal out of something so small. I tend to shrink away from people like that and she may be,too. I can understand why you're upset - you've through so much!!! But, when there is distance, you don't know the ins and outs of her life nor does she get the full picture of yours.

The photo was just thoughtless - I doubt it was intensional. Can you let this go? And the dropping her daughter off, really, let it go. You don't know what is happening with her. Friendships ebb and flow. You're not walking in one another shoes. Give her a chance, and don't penalize your daughter or her friend because you are hurt.

I think it might be time to let it go and move on with your life. If the girls still want to keep in touch, let them.

Hope your husband is doing well.

You are not the bad friend. As an outsider looking in, I read it as they are trying to repair family issues.

I would be as equally crushed as you are...but I am a stubborn person and my knee-jerk reaction would be to stop the communication and leave the ball in her court, especially since you have been the one to do all the traveling and such to keep this friendship alive.

Sorry sister, sometimes long distance relationships hit snags, it sucks but it's the truth.

She has obviously moved on and you need to also. Also obviously her daughter has not and values your daughter's friendship. So let the kid come, let her do her thing. Then sadly move on and accept the frienship teh way it is now..

I've lost a stepfather and a very dear friend to cancer.
I hope your husband is well.
O. thing I've found out is when the rubber hits the road, you DO find out who the true friends are.
You've had a LOT going on.
You DO have the right to be upset.
Chances are, if she had told you "we're popping by to see XYZ for 2 days but sadly will not have time to connect" you wouldn't be giving this a second thought, right?
This friendship may be over, but if the kids are still interested in keeping close, let them. Treat it as you would any of their other friends, etc.
I have often seen hardships separate the cream from the coffee, so to speak.
It's odd--if she's visiting family, why is she having her daughter stay with you? And yes--the "drop off location" thing is weird!

With all that you've been through, people are saying you're overreacting? I'd like to think I'm a good friend and would be much more sensitive to all you've dealt with. Maybe to be honest people who are saying you're overeacting are just different types of friends than you and I. I don't understand her at all either. Maybe the one day visit but now 4 days and a quick drop off? And if people say she doesn't want to be friends at all, why keep texting you? I"m sorry she's being like this. I'd be upset too. All you can do is decide if you want to continue for your daughter's sake or say forget it. I think I would tell your daughter that you're not sure how much longer you can facilitate her friendship with the other daughter bc the mom is making it tough. Then let this 4 days go on and see after that if the mom reaches out etc. Keep thinking you can only control your behaviour, not hers. If she doesn't try to get together during the 4 days, I'd have to write her off. When I saw her, I'd be super nice and act like I wasn't mad and just move on. If she's there for 4 days and doesn't try to have lunch or anything, that's saying something pretty loud and clear. Hurts I"m sure and it sucks but not much you can do. And I assume you're doing the 4 days for your daughter's sake. If not, cut it to 2 days. No free babysitting for her.

Yes I agree with Suzanne W fair weather friends. That is really sad, and I hope you don't stoop to meeting her at the store to drop off her daughter. I'd point blank tell her that you'd love to have her daughter stay with you, but that you will meet her at your front door. Then see how she reacts to that. I hope you get to iron things out because it is a shame to lose a good friend, even though it sounds like you did nothing. Good luck to you, and hope you have a Merry Christmas.

You need to ask her straight questions so you can get straight answers. Write them down if you have to, so you don't get side-tracked by her non-apologetic apologies and reasons that don't really answer your questions.

I'm sorry this has happened. I do understand. My closest friend, who was like a sister to me, turned on me when I got engaged to my now-husband. It got even worse when I was saved and started attending church. I realized that when we change, even for the better, our friends often don't want us to and will resent us for it...forcing a split.

Praying for you.

♥
C. Lee

She didn't think about the photo, she just posted it because it wasn't a well thought out covert operation.

I would tell her that you are more hurt that she purposely hid it than that she couldn't see you while close by. Seems like your friendship didn't fare as well as your children's friendships.

You have every right to be upset or hurt by this. You can feel however you need to feel. By your friend saying this, she is trying to cover up her own guilt by telling you to move on and that you can't be upset about this. She was wrong and she knows it. She just has backpeddled into a corner and she can't get out without tainting her perfect image. I personally wouldn't extend any more invitations to go or have them come here. If she is a real true friend, she will talk to you, heart to heart and tell you she is sorry. Ask you how she can make it better and wait until you feel you can trust her again. I am so sorry that she did this. She sounds horribly dishonest and to tell her kids that they can't mention it etc., it is really low. As far as this whole drop off etc, she is embarrassed and doesn't know how to make it better with you. She doesn't like that you are upset and wants things to blow over and pretend it didn't happen. The best you can do for this relationship is to face this issue headon and when you see her, you let her know how much this hurt you and your kids. Then ask her how it would feel if you did this to her---would she be expected to just get over it?

YOU ARE NOT THE BAD FRIEND> SHE IS> Good luck and sorry this happened.

I don't tend to deliberately try to hide things from my friends, but I also don't feel obligated to disclose every little aspect of my life, either.

You've been through an awful lot. Perhaps she didn't want to add to it.

I agree it would have been nice to get a call and let you know she was close by, but she didn't. And, I'm sure it stings that she wasn't exactly stealthy about the whole thing. I disagree with her telling her daughter to keep the whole thing a secret. That pressure shouldn't be put on a kid.

I actually ended a long-term friendship just about exactly one year ago.
My friend tended to be very pushy and it wasn't the first time I had ended the friendship for the way she talked to me sometimes. She DESPISED my ex-husband for being a controlling, abusive jerk, but the truth is, sometimes she was no better. She thought she needed to tell me what to do, when and how to do it, MY life, but HER way, all under the guise of HELPING me.

The very final straw was when she tried to push me into quitting my job to go to work where she works. It's farther away, I'd have to leave even earlier than I already do and get home later than I already do. It wouldn't have been a good move for me. So, she decided that I could just stay at her house during the week and be home on weekends when I didn't have to work a Saturday. Excuse me? I have a kid to get up for school every morning. His school is 10 minutes away.

Nothing about it was good for me. BUT, they needed someone smart and capable so SHE could get a promotion. Well, she wouldn't listen to me that it wasn't in my best interest. As bossy as she was in my personal life, I sure as hell wasn't going to change everything to go to work and get bossed around by her. I got some very mean e-mail and IM's and I just quit responding to her. So....then the "I hope you're not still mad at me" and "You need to quit being a baby about this" messages.

I called her manager and told her I was not interested in the position.

My "friend" was livid! She sent me all this mean stuff and I just never even responded. I'm done. That's it. That's all.

I don't think you've done anything to be a bad friend, but your friend obviously thinks you are overreacting. Maybe you are, but you should have a right to say how you feel as long as you aren't being rude, pushy, or insensitive.
I mean, what's the harm in saying, "It hurt my feelings that you were so close and you didn't even call?"

Anyway, try not to take it personally. She hasn't verbally attacked you or anything. Let the girls have their time together. You don't have to pay for anymore plane tickets or drive 13 hours anymore. It seems like she has more opportunity to come close to your direction. If she's being weird about things, oh well. The girls can still maintain their friendship.

I wish you the best with your husband's health and all the other things going on around you. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Your friend may not know how to be supportive with all of it.

Take care of yourself. Don't worry about her agenda.

Strive to be happy on your own terms.

My best friend moved away from our hometown after 8th grade. I moved with my family to another state after 10th grade. When we were both 20, we got married, she moved out west with her new husband and I had finally made arrangements to see her and it had been 7 years since we had seen each other. After she had her children, she had told me of her plans to visit my state in a particular year. I was excited, she would finally meet my husband, see my children, I would finally meet her other children as I had only met her first born when I saw her after 7 years. I was really excited she and her family were coming to my state. They would be staying with family, visiting other family throughout the state and make their way south, where I live. She and her family were traveling with their small dog and being that I am not a dog person, and I had a cat at that time, I told her that she and her family were more than welcome to stay in our home, limited room that we had, I was willing to throw air mattresses in the living room to accomadate them for a few short days. But, their dog would have to stay on our porch, it was covered. She obviously had a problem with the dog staying on the porch, they did make their way to my state but she informed me that they would NOT be making it down where I live. She gave a phoney baloney excuse to me about misunderstanding me about where they would stay, that she thought I didn't want them to stay because of the dog. That was NOT true and I was so deeply hurt. She and her family traveled from far away, to my state to see family and didn't even make it down to where I live. I believe it was all because I didn't want the dog in the house and honestly, it might have had to do with the fact that I was farther south than they wanted to travel. I have not seen my best friend in person in 19 years. We call, we write, we facebook, share pictures, etc. but we haven't seen each other in person and yes, it was hurtful to see all her photos posted on facebook of she and her family in my state, about 8 hours away from me...and she never made the trip to see me.

People do "funny" stuff and I don't mean funny in a "ha-ha" manner. People also change and have different ideas that change over time. Maybe her friendship with your has changed while your side of it has not. That seems apparent to me. Maybe something in her, which has nothing to do with you has changed and it is reflected in her friendship with you. Open communication is key here, as you have suggested talking to her but she perhaps is not as willing. It doesn't sound like you are a bad friend at all. What would I do about it? If it were me, I would sit down and conduct a letter/email to her telling her everything you posted here and tell her how this has made you feel. I had a friendship with a young woman, someone I lost touch with over the years and had found over another social site. Our friendship was blossoming, I felt everything was good and then one day, ONE day she blew up and I had to walk away from her and our friendship. It wasn't an out of the blue thing with her, it was gradual, I felt she was withdrawing from the friendship and every time I asked what was wrong, did I do something, say something, she would say it wasn't me, that it was her and not to worry about it . So I didn't...until one day she went off on me for no reason at all, blaming my faith (I'm a Christian, she is not) for the decline of our friendship. It was horrible and she was out of line and I had to walk away. Sometimes things like this happen, no explanation that makes sense. Maybe your friend is withdrawing and this is her way of back away. Talk to her. See what happens. Good luck with whatever the outcome may be.

Ask her. Until you force the communication and blatantly ask her what is going on, you will feel slighted. Be up front and direct. No matter the explanation, it can't be more annoying or hurtful than how it is right now. If it causes a rift, well, it is already causing a rift. That fact you were 'not allowed' to be upset by this screams disrespect - friends don't do that! To be honest, it sounds like you are more vested in the friendship she is. Sorry :(

I think the best thing you did was to speak up and let her know how you were feeling. In a strong friendship, one person would speak up and the other person would validate and address the other person's feelings. With that being said, it sounds like your friendship has changed. THAT can be so hard to accept. You will need to grieve the loss of the type of friendship you once had. However, I think once you are able to accept (which will come in time), you will feel so much better.

Sometimes we want answers and we want to know why things have changed. And, sometimes there are no answers. The other person might not want to share the truth OR they may not be that in touch with their emotions. She may be a poor communicator. I think it's pretty insensitive that she's expecting you to just get over it, but again, I think that speaks to where your relationship is at right now.

My suggestion is to give what you feel like giving. Don't go out of your way. And, you can also use this situation as an example of how relationships change sometimes. Your daughter will definitely learn that from other examples as she gets older.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know it's so hurtful. But, good can definitely come from it. You can spend your energy on other relationships that deserve more of your time and good friendship.

I think that you let the kids play and then you ignore her and concentrate on you and your family. I am so sorry you and your husband are going through all of this.

At this point, it's only about the kids where this family is concerned. She expects you to put up and shut up. So let your child see them and put them out of your own mind. You really only need to have people in your head and heart who are there for you right now.

Btw, after this is over, defriend her from you FB. You don't need to be reading when she comes 2 blocks from you anymore.

ETA - Wow Shane! What an awful story about your ex-friend and the job! So glad you are out of that relationship!

Hugs to you and your family.
Dawn

Friend or not, everyone has their own lives and other friends too or other obligations.
Friends also don't "owe" things back and forth. But reciprocation can be in other ways. Or, they may feel a need to do things differently at times or each year. Not doing the same visits all the time year after year.
That is a person's right.

But you/your kids seem to be doing MORE than, they are.
And who knows why.
But it is a problem now.
But she appears to want more space... and freedom to come and go as she wishes, for who knows what reason. And she obviously does not seem to feel as bound down, to this friendship as you are.
You both have... different ideas about what a friendship, is. And the obligations of it.

Friendships don't always stay, the same.
It changes.
But she obviously doesn't feel joined at the hip... over it.
And she has other social engagements and familial obligations to do too. Separately. For whatever reasons.

Friends... have a right to go about their lives and activities. Apart... from their friends. Friends, no matter how close or not, are not joined at the hip. Friends understand, that.
If my friends were keeping me on a tight leash... I would not be able to do it. I would, wane away.

I think that your friend is prioritizing her FAMILY right now. It sounds as if she's even trying to make reparations with her estranged sister.

I understand that you want to see your friend. It's hard sometimes for me to plan time to see my own best friend between both of our schedules. I often feel put out and then I remind myself that we both have our own children, our own parents and siblings, and stuff happens. Then we do get together after a few months of not seeing each other and it's all fine. And we live 15 minutes apart. Our parents live in the same town. We share other friends. Hell, we can't even always line up on Facebook chat.

You ARE entitled to feel upset, and to feel bothered by not feeling like you're a priority when she's in the area visiting family. But it really may not be intentional avoidance or distancing on her part.

Have you explicitly told her what your year has been like?

Not as a defense, or to win an argument - but to share, as a friend.

There's nothing to do. Just try to let it go, and accept what she has to give. Let your daughter's friend stay with you, and go about your life. I guess she's not a great friend; enjoy your other friends.

She is telling you in every way that she can she does not want to be around you and could care less about your children. Stop putting them through this. Wean them off this family so that they will look back on them with fond memories.

My BFF that I often mention here has changed a lot since her hubby moved in with his #??? girlfriend and took the kids away and all sorts of stuff. I stopped letting the kids go to her house because I felt they were not being properly supervised when they were there playing. So I would tell the kids that her kids were coming here and then when they came we had fun that was supervised and safe for everyone.

I got tired of her lax attitude when it came time to go on a car trip or take us all to kids dental appointments in another town. She just got worse and worse about stuff.

So I started making less plans with her and with the kids getting together. We started making plans with other families so the kids would not even miss these friends. They have not asked about them in a long time even though they live in this same town as we do. They have forgotten the closeness they had at one time. They don't get upset anymore.

We saw her daughter at a local Halloween party in the downtown area a few weeks ago and we chatted for just a moment. The kids were not even upset or anything when she wandered off on her own without saying could my granddaughter walk around with her or could she walk around with us...it was a nice short visit that didn't hurt.

Hope your husband is doing better. The rest of your post?? Kind of a run on and doesn't make a lot of sense. Except, you seem like a very good friend and person, so don't let others make you feel otherwise.

Merry Christmas and a Healthy, Happy and Prosperous New Year.