When Exactly Did Kids Asking for Stuff Become "Not Rude"?

My mother always taught me not to ask for food etc at other people's houses and I never did. If they offered it, it was okay.

I recently did a post about how my neighbor's kids come over and raid the pantry, fridge, etc. without asking. I was appalled! I finally had to tell them that I don't buy a lot of snack food since I only have one kid and what I have I need for her lunch,

People do not teach their kids basic manners anymore. I'm older (50's) and I wish we could get some of that old social etiquette back!

I don't know when this kind of rudeness became "normal," probably somewhere around the time when trashy talk shows and then vulgar reality shows became commonplace on tv.

It might be more common, but it's still rude.

This reminded me of when my first two kiddos were young, and I was pregnant with # 3. We were hosting a bar b que, and both sets of grands and other family members were there. My eldest son came running in, and began to interrupt. In my effort to demonstrate my 'superior' parenting, I mildly said, "Ryan, we are talking right now, you need to wait your turn" and turned back to the adult conversation. Then I turned to ryan to let him know it was his turn, and he said, "The grill is on fire!"

And it was!! lol

Thanks for the memory!

My kids are not allowed to ask for things other than what they need (water, the restroom or to use the phone) when they are at a party or at a friends house. I am surprised by how many of their friends come over and ask for snacks and treats, or bug me to buy them stuff when I take them on an outing. Jeez, I never buy my kids stuff on outings, why would I buy stuff for their friends! I figure that they must just be used to being given everything they ask for.

I do encourage my kids to speak up and be more assertive (although polite) when in a store, fast food restaurant, deli counter etc. I have noticed that employees tend to ignore kids when they stand patiently at the counter waiting for service, and unless the kid speaks up the server will continue to serve the adults, even if it is the childs turn.

No, not archaic at all. We are the same way; even during Thanksgiving (which his godparents hosted) we made it clear that "this is the same as going to visit the Queen-- best manners, don't touch anything that isn't yours, and ask us if you need anything because Auntie and Uncle will be busy." I try to remind my son of expectations in advance.

I'm always rather surprised at the kids who come over and just demand to turn the tv on or to have some food. I let them know "oh, we don't watch tv during playtimes, because you are here to play".... and when the snacktime will be, if any. I always ask the parents when they drop off when the last time was that their kid ate and gauge snacktime from there... so the kid can have a cup of water if they are thirsty, snacktime is at such and such time. An authoritative manner helps!

(Can I also add that for the kids whose parents sort of cater to their whims... this is where we likely see more of this behavior. If they are used to mom and dad dropping everything to get something for Little Precious, they are more likely to expect it from other adults as well. They haven't been taught better.) ETA: The idea that we will damage our child's self-esteem by providing a quiet, mild correction in the moment is strange to me. All we have to do is lower our voices, bend down and say quietly "remember, you are to come and check with me if you need something, so let try that again" does not need to be traumatic to either parent or child. The reason we teach our son to ask us is social graciousness-- we are not putting another adult in the position of possibly having to deny our kid. My son *would* ask for food from another adult-- even if he'd just eaten-- if he had been taught that this was okay. Parents know best what the child needs, which is usually why we want our kids to defer to us-- and why most good hosts would double-check with parents anyway if approached directly.

This kind of question irks me... you're making everyone else's child seem like a monster but saying that you have taught your children right from wrong and never let it slide. I've taught my children what is appropriate and what's not and yes... they often still ask for things they know they shouldn't and say and do things that I don't consider appropriate. Do I always point it out to them in public in front of others... no. I don't want to beat their self esteem down into the ditch. Will I talk with them about it later privately... absolutely. It sounds like you've been having a bad week and we've all been there but again it irks me when people make assumptions about others parenting and put themselves on a pedestal. You don't know anything about these parents or children or what may have just been said or what will be said privately when they leave the place you encountered them. No I don't think it's ok to whine and beg for things but is it ok for children to ask for something they want? I think so. If you want something, I'm sure you would ask. Why can't children do the same? It's the adults job to say no if it's an inappropriate request.

I agree with you. Thank goodness we rarely had this happen to us. Our daughter knew we did not act like this.

We were laughing yesterday about how our rule at the grocery store was " We do not buy snacks at the store", we can take out own snacks..

And yet, I see the parents letting their children stick their hands in the samples. (you are supposed to sue the tongs, the spoon or the paper placed out. ) Or at Costco, letting their children go back over and over for samples..

But the worse is at birthday parties when children say they want the corner piece of cake, or the piece with the rose on it etc.. In Kindergarten the teachers have to actually teach the children, "you get what you get.."
in these situations. Because the parents have not taught their children to be polite. And yes, if you are at home with your family and use your manners, you may request, but we do not demand.

i'm archaic like you, hon. i don't see anything wrong with kids WANTING stuff, and wouldn't necessarily squelch them asking when they do. but i too find the demanding, bossy, rude tones that are so prevalent today to be incredibly obnoxious.
kids can be taught that 'expressing themselves' can and should be incorporated into 'courtesy.'
khairete
S.

I do agree that there's quite a lot of rudeness. But I agree with Riley....rude is subjective-ish.

On the other side of the coin, it drives me up the wall to see adults who fawn over children, doing things for them that the kids should be doing for themselves (getting a drink, throwing away something, preparing a dinner plate at the buffet). Kids aren't helpless....stop acting like the are, folks!

ETA: Ronda, why on earth would it bother you that a child is helping himself to the snacks while she sits and watches? Aren't they there for everyone? Is she supposed to get up and serve him?

I agree with you. The problem is that parents are too afraid of "offending" their child's sweet sensibilities and hurting their self-esteem to do what they need to do - be parents! When I was a little girl, going to someone's house meant being on my best behavior and being seen and not heard. Asking for more food or toys or ANYTHING would have been the height of rudeness and I feel the same way today.
I feel that we are starting to instill this same respectful mentality in our toddler. He knows that if he's out of line, there are consequences and we enforce them every single time.
There is no longer a line between a child and a grown up and there should be. Children should be respectful of all adults, all the time, PERIOD. (This, of course barring something out of the ordinary or extremely unlikely - a kidnapper, etc.) We've lost old fashioned respect in our society and rude, brash, and obnoxious children are the direct result.

I guess I'm lucky, I rarely see this kind of behavior.
Sure it sometimes happens in a public place (there are jerks of ALL ages, right?) but the instances are so few and far between that it doesn't even phase me.
Maybe it depends on where you live.

I think you talk about some different kinds of situations, and in some of them I agree with you, in others I do not. Is it rude to ask a sales person for more for free? Or to ask a stranger at the park for their food? Yes, of course it is, and I hope the parents are being informed about such behavior so it can be corrected. BUT, asking the host at a party, or someones parent that you know and are spending time with, for something is not out of line at all. IF they are interrupting then I would politely point that out to them and tell them they must wait until I am done talking and then ask their question, but I would not consider it rude that they asked. If they do not ask then how will they know if they can have it or not? If I say no and they whine then I would hope the parent would correct the situation, but if not, as host, I would have no issue doing so myself.

It's not archaic in my house. I've taught my children that when they are guests, they are allowed to ask for water and where the rest room is. And unless it is a bathroom emergency, they are not to interrupt to ask even those things.

I hear you. You know what is worse? When they just starting getting their own food/drink without even asking and the parent just sits back because why – they are family? Friends? I’m sorry but I was taught you ask nicely (and don’t interrupt) even if you are at another family members house or friends house. Oh and it was also instilled in me to ask if the hostess needed help. I swear it’s become a me, me, me world.

Ha that reminds me of another pet peeve – what happened to “if you are at someone else’s house, you are on your best behavior and you follow their rules" or "you don't rummage through someone else's things." I say the last because we were at a party where the kids where going into other rooms and messing with the hosts' personal belongings. The parents were not even paying attention.

I also rarely see this. I have taught my kids the right manners, but sometimes they do what they want anyways, they are kids. We are adults and also mess up.

If you are seeing this a lot - maybe it's time to change the kind of parents you hang around with. The kids mostly have learned behaviors.

I have seen it, too. I try to model good behavior in Sunday School. We occasionally get to pick out something from the "treasure chest", a collection of pencils, balloons and shtuff. There are still kids who come into class asking if they can get something today. I gently let them know, it's not polite to ask.

It's a cultural thing, not a generational thing.

Meaning,,, I grew up travelling.

In some places we lived, the POLITE thing is for a child to ask directly.
In other places we lived the POLITE thing is for a child to ask through an intermediary. (Your standard).
In others, the POLITE thing is for a child to not ask, but to take care of themselves.
In others, the POLITE thing is for children to not ask at all (seen but not heard)

4 totally different Versions of polite =
75% chance of being seen as rude

Now...When I was a child (insert 'the tone' ;) most people were pretty ethnocentric/geographically stable. What was polite was polite for the whole REGION. Everyone had basically the same standards. So it was pretty easy to evaluate. We'd move into a new town/state/country... And
1) Found out what was polite for the region (in this and MANY other matters)
2) Always follow the lead of the hostess (if the hostess is nekkid, ya strip down.)

THESE DAYS... It's a lot more difficult.
People travel a lot more (school, work, etc.)
People adopt different standards (people are more globally connected via media/Internet).

Which means that while I'll still generally pay attention to regional norms, ITs reeeeeeeeally common for a single gathering to have people with completely differing norms. Which makes following the Hostess's lead even more important.

Amen sister! I think the "art of manners" is being lost. I'm sure I'm guilty of not correctly teaching my children, or not correctly reacting when they don't have manners, as either we get lazy or just "flow with norm". It bothers me when friends' children ask me for things, as you've described.

Someday I'd like to sign my girls up for a manners course (probably for me too!).

Sometimes you model good manners explain and re-explain the reasons to your child and they still do what they want.

Love my 3 kids (and her 8 flower bearers) I don't read her saying that her kids are perfect.

I hosted a Clothing Swap Party last Friday. One lady brought her son. She always does as she is a single working gal and wants time with him. We don't mind that. What we do mind is that he helps himself over and over to snacks and she sits and watches.

So, I agree. I guess those who disagree with you may be the parents of kids of whom you are referring...

"A hit dog will holler".

I don't think it's necessarily bad manners for a child to ask an adult for something. I can remember being at a gathering at someone's house and my parents encouraging me to ask the host for something, rather than asking them. I was very timid and nervous to talk to the adults, and they wanted me to push myself to make the request.

Now, I think there are times when it isn't a simple request and does border on being rude. There's a difference between asking for something to drink and requesting a meal. But I don't think it's rude for children to ask (nicely) the host for something.

I understand "they need to wait to be offered" to an extent. I don't think being polite is archaic, exactly. But I think our society is a bit more relaxed than your examples suggest.