When Did We Stop Respecting Our Mothers?

Updated on October 14, 2010
J.C. asks from Eagle River, AK
29 answers

I see more and more people not respecting their mothers, and getting mad if their mothers have an opinion or do something they do not like. People talk about excluding their mothers from their lives like they are just any stranger on the street. I am at a loss about this? Don't we all teach our children to respect us? When did so many of us forget that lesson? How can so many so easily walk away from the woman who gave them life just because she will not be the person they want her to be? I keep seeing it more and more on this site, and it really confuses me. I may not always love the things my mother does or says, but I always respect her as my mother, and would never dream of cutting her out of my life or denying her access to her grandchildren. I would not want that done to me by my kids when they get older, so why would i do it to her. I know in some cases a parent my be truly abusive, and that is a different story, but that is not what I have been seeing lately. How is it so easy for some to discount the woman that gave them life, the one who gave of herself to raise them up right? Or do I just not get it because I have a great mom?

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So What Happened?

As I stated in the question, I was not talking about abusive parents. My mom has feed my children things I would not. let them stay up too late, and other such things, but as one poster pointed out, she raised me and I turned out fine :) I understand wanting to protect ones children, but I believe that these children are learning to not respect their own parents by watching how easily some turn away. I personally do not feel that a card on ones birthday or the like is ever asking too much from the one who raised you (unless there was real abuse of coarse). I think the posters talking about age and confidence or lack there of in their own parenting probably have a very good point. I know I did not always treat my mother as well as I should have in my early 20s, but now I can see the whole worth of her!

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answers from Orlando on

You apparently don't get it because you have a great mom (Luckily, I do, too!) But respect is earned, not a given, and should be mutual.

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answers from Kansas City on

it's not just a mom thing. these same people are treating everyone like this! but you have to remember, those mothers raised those children. either they were too indulgent and now these people feel the world owes them everything on a silver platter, and when things don't go their way they throw their grownup versions of temper tantrums, OR those mothers were themselves self indulgent and self absorbed, so now these grown children are the same. personally i feel the way some people treat others (including their own parents) is a direct reflection on how they were raised.

the ironic thing is, as adults, we don't have the excuse that "that was how i was raised." as adults people are responsible for their own actions, no matter how they were brought up. so yes, i feel the way you do in many aspects.

but i do think we feel this way because we DO have great moms. and were raised right. others weren't so lucky.

PS, after reading the other responses, i feel like a lot of women on here (good moms and good people from the sound of it) have "mommy issues", but i don't think you're talking about them, right? myself i have a dysfunctional, toxic father, and i don't consider myself spoiled or selfish for cutting contact with him from my family. when it is a matter of safety, physical or emtional, i don't think anyone is going to say that the grown child is wrong for cutting ties.

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answers from Seattle on

I, too, have a great mom, but her sister is another story. My cousins do not have a relationship with her, because she is interested in only herself. They cannot count on her for anything. One does not need to put up with a toxic relationship just because she gave birth to you.

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answers from Dallas on

If you haven't "walked in their shoes" it would be hard to understand.
It was extremely difficult to have any respect for my mother. She and my dad were alcoholics. In some ways she was worse after she stopped drinking--what is called a dry alcoholic. There were periods of time when I had to be away from her and keep her away from my children for my sanity and for their safety.
Of course there probably are spoiled daughters out there who have such an incredible sense of entitlement they don't respect their moms. We have no way of knowing which is which.
Be very, very thankful you have a good mom. You cannot imagine the pain, loss and void when you don't have that.
These has probably made me a better mom. But I would hope I would have been one if I had had a good one myself.

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answers from Eugene on

I had a very personal reaction to this question. It seems to me like it comes from the privilege of having a really great mom. I love my mom dearly despite some issues in our relationship, but with that said, clearly not everyone is lucky enough to be in that position. Getting to the point where you cut a parent out of your life I doubt is ever a decision that anyone is able to make lightly. I also think the responses that suggest that people are "young" or "uneducated" as an explanation is condescending and may also confuse correlation with causation. So perhaps it is better to count your blessings, or try to be a bit more empathetic.

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answers from New York on

Hi J.,

Everyone's family situation is different.

I think the problem is one of mutual respect. When one's children become adults, it's time not to treat them as children any longer, and they are worthy of some respect. I know that grandparents want to be seen as authority figures, a wealth of advice and information, but many of today's grandparents dont' realize the huge amount of sources of information available to today's parents whereas in their day, they did what the doctor told them or what their mother/MIL advised. Today's parents feel empowered and knowledgeable, and the grandparents do not realize that some of the things that were considered optimal in their day have been shown to be unhealthy or ineffective. Some grandparents insist on doing things that are unhealthy or unsafe with their grandchildren - feeding them food before an age where they are supposed to have food, taking babies out of car seats, having them cry rather than comforting so they don't get "spoiled" or allowing them to behave in such a way that the children are not learning limits or respect. My own MIL did things with my children when they were babies/small that made me stop allowing her to babysit and after her last visit to our home, I am wondering if I ever want her to see the kids again. They are now 10 and 14, and she made a very racist comment and keeps harping on my daughter about her weight (which btw is perfectly normal). These arent' things I want my children exposed to.

Where did this all start? Maybe with the "progressive parenting" movement that turned into the "permissive parenting" movement. Parents used to be authority figures to kids, what they said,went. When I was growing up (I am 42), if my mother told me to do something, I did it. She didn't beat me and I wasn't afraid of her, I simply didn't realize there was another choice. That's just how we were raised back then. Starting when my niece and nephews were born in the first half of the 1980's, I started noticing parents who would tell their kids to do something, and then say, "Okay?" Parents, treating toddlers as peers. Parents saying that they didn't want to be so strict, so authoritative, they wanted to be approachable, have their kids see them as a "friend." I see the way kids talk to their parents, and I work in an elementary school. Kids are allowed to talk back to their parents, argue with their parents, ignore their parents, interrupt their parents. It is parents who are not demanding respect from their young children. Then they complain when the children don't respect them or behave. Respect doesn't just arrive via the respect fairy - the parents have to teach it and demand it when the kids are very young and then realize that the respect is a two way street when those kids become adults and parents themselves
It's how I see it, anyway. Good question!

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answers from Cleveland on

Your one of the lucky ones! I swear I hope I never see my mother again. I'm 28 years old and it's been all about her. I'm sure like the other women mentioned here it might be b/c you've never been in a situation with your mom and your fortunate to have such a loving mother. let me put an example for you about my mom. My husband and I loss a child when i was 24 weeks prego. I asked my mom to come spend hte nite at my house to watch our son b/c I had to go deliver, obviously, & I wasnt sure when i'd be back or how this worked. Ya know the first thing my mom did was came in a waived an engagement ring in my face & told me that she was gonna get married & then proceeded to argue with me about taking my son to my grdprts house (she lived w/ my grdprts, her mom) b/c she couldnt smoke in my house!! I told her NO! I wanted my son to be home so whenever i got relesed from the hospital he would be there. I told her.. I'm going to deliver a dead baby today.. so if you dont mind I would like my son to be at home where i can go see him as soon as i get in!! So b/c my mom can't smoke in the house and i guess couldnt go outside for nite to smoke she left.. SHE LEFT ME!! so i called my sister in laws mom to watch my son.. NO questions asked. The woman came over wiht only the clothes on her back.. .. So think about the other side of the story... I know my brother passed away two years ago. and my mom took off.. I havent seen and/or heard from her for over a year. My husband and i are expecting our 4th child, she has no idea i'm prego and hasnt seen her grdchildren or her daughter at all. I understand it's hard when you loose a son. But i'm her only offspring left you'd think she'd want to make a relationship or get involved or something. She's totally missing out on me and these grandkids and it sucks b/c my husbands family is in Mexico so my kids are getting robbed or their grandparents! So you are very lucky & i'm jealous of that :) I would luve to have a mom that was involved and that i could have a relationship with. I've tried J... Trust me i've tried. I would try to make lunch dates with my mom when i was working to find out she had a 'hair appt' to find out later that she just didnt want to go but she lied so much she couldnt keep the stories straight!! So please dont judge other mom/woman... Just count your blessings that you have a good mom. As far as i'm concerned, my mom, Deb was just a surrogate

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answers from Norfolk on

Any fool can breed. It doesn't mean they'll make great parents. Just like any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a Daddy, any woman can be a mother but it takes someone special to be a Mommy. When my mother's mother became a ward of the state when my Mom was 14, my Mom was SO relieved because the beatings finally stopped. I love my Mom. She's a great Mom. She always tried to be the mother she wished she'd had instead of the mother she really had. That being said, she has zero capacity for political correctness and often just blurts out whatever comes to mind. You learn to take it with a grain of salt. Part of becoming an adult means becoming your own person and it's natural to pull away from your parents a bit. Usually by the time you hit 25 you realize you don't know it all and your parents suddenly seem pretty wise compared to what you thought of them when you were 15. When you become a parent your view on things all changes again. I'm always willing to listen to advice, I'm not always going to take it, and I certainly don't enjoy having an opinion crammed down my throat. When I read someone has cut someone from their lives, I figure they had their reasons. It might be very good reasons. It could be the child is a fool bent on some self destructive path but you just can't tell without knowing all the history and details. Judge not etc and so forth.

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answers from Dallas on

You obviously have a great mom.

Respect is earned.......

After my mom's divorce, she valued dating and getting on with her personal life more than caring for the 2 children she had and attempting to repair the emotional damage she and dad caused when they completely tore the family apart.

I did see my mom in March, first time in 2 yrs. I've not seen my dad in 3 yrs.

Respect is EARNED.

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answers from Portland on

Well, this may not be a politic answer, but my guess is that you see a lot of extremes here on a public forum. Perhaps you do have a terrific mom.:) I can tell you from my experience (which was extreme) that all my mother's children do not have contact with her due to some mental health issues she refuses to address. Because she is verbally abusive and manipulative, and because she has acted out in horrifying ways toward her grandchildren in the past, there is no way any of us feel that we are being good parents by letting our mother anywhere near our families until she gets serious help.

This is, admittedly, an extreme. Most of the women I know in "real life" (not on forum) have pretty average relationships with their mothers. They work hard to respect each other's way of doing things and while there are moments of exasperation, no one is threatening to call off the whole relationship.

For what it's worth, I would never, ever have gone on a forum to process my relationship with my mother. If one wants professional advice, one should go to a pro. If we are grounded people, we make these sorts of decisions with the help of a therapist or counselor who we've done work with and who knows us and how hard it is to make such a monumental decision.

I think what we see on forums regarding maternal relationships is a collage of circumstances: women who are feeling strong feelings and want to vent; women who may have limited emotional or social resources and nowhere else to ask this question; and a bit of extreme immaturity and lack of life experience in some cases. This is why they are choosing a forum to process this and not discussing it with a trusted and wise person in their own life.

Often, too, differences about parenting styles and insecurities in our own abilities as parents play a part in the disparity between the new parents and the parents of the adult children. A new parent who is confident in their parenting style and what they need for their kids will ask for it unapologetically, but gracefully, and not feel threatened by mom's 'old way' of doing things, or other people's parenting styles, for that matter. The truth of the matter is that some of Mom and Dad's "Parenting Power" might fly out the window at Grandma and Grandpa's but that, on the whole, if we are raising our kids well, sweets or extra tv is not going to corrupt our children forever.

Anthropologist Sheila Kitzinger, who has written many books on pregnancy, birth, mothering and female sexuality, talks pointedly about the conflicts between new mothers and their own and the challenges that their maturing relationships bring. This is not a phenomena unique to our society. The question is this: do we turn away from what our mothers have to offer at the expense of our whole family relationships (babies need their grandparents, too) or do we do the hard work of finding out how to recraft the relationship so that we can have our proverbial village around our child? It's a hard decision and can be an extreme one, and one that deserves more than a shout-out from strangers on a forum. Just my (long) opinion and so glad that you brought up such a sensible question!

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answers from Portland on

Respect: to admire deeply, as a result of abilities, qualities, or achievements. I wonder if I hear in your request a worry that children can just stop respecting or loving their moms for no good reason; or that society is condoning kids throwing their parents out of their lives.

I suppose that can and does happen, but really, when it does, poor parenting is probably part of the dynamic. And it does not appear to me that "we" have stopped respecting our mothers. (We? All of us?) I do see many requests from moms who complain that their children don't respect them. And I see more than a few requests from women who seem distressed because they can't sincerely and heartfully respect their mothers. And some women who are quite angry, often for good reasons, and clear that they have no real respect.

I can appreciate all that my mom has done for me, and feel real empathy for her sacrifices, because I have made those same sacrifices raising my child and helping with my grandson. But gratitude is one thing; respect is another. I don't expect my daughter to respect me unless I am worthy, and able to respect her as an individual. I don't want or expect her to respect or even love me simply because she came out of my body. That wasn't her choice. I don't want duty or obligation from anyone in my life, especially the daughter I love the most. Fortunately, we have a happy, loving, and mutually respectful relationship.

I wish I could say the same of my mother. I love her as much as I am able, feel compassion for her, forgive her, look for and appreciate her finer qualities, take care of some of her needs. That's my thanks for "all that she has done for me," and it can be hard, demanding work for me. But she sees me as one of "her" daughters, a resource, not really an individual. There's neediness, expectation, guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive manipulation, but not real recognition and respect. I find it impossible to "admire" that.

I guess I sense that genuine respect is a two-way street. If you mean something else, maybe there's a better word for it.

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answers from Portland on

You are so right, J.! Unless your parents are abusive and actively seeking your harm or your children's harm (not just having a different opinion), it is hard to understand why you would cut them out of your life. I realize there are some circumstances in which it is necessary. But if it is done casually it will no doubt come back to you through one or more of your own children because they will pick up attitudes from you. I've noticed that sometimes people don't want their parents to see their lifestyle (guilt?) so cut them out and blame the parents for the rift even though the parents have done nothing but shown them love. This is terribly cruel and everyone loses.

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answers from Cincinnati on

I think you may not get it because you have a great mom. That is certainly how I feel about the issue. I adore my mother, and I really don't even get irritated by anything she says or does (at least not anything big). My mother is the one who taught me how to be a mother - she gave me unconditional love, and everything she does or says, whether or not I agree, stems from love, protectiveness, and a desire to see her children succeed and make a difference in the world.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that most people DO have a mother as wonderful as mine, which may be why I am sympathetic to many (not all) of the posters who have extremely difficult relationships with their mothers. A mother can make or break a woman - can teach her values, respect, and compassion, or teach her how to avoid, fight, and discount, and the child doesn't get much say which lesson is learned. I cannot imagine how much more difficult my life would be without the support of my mother, and when my mother disapproves of something I do, it eats away at my heart. For someone to have that weighing on them constantly must be very difficult.

That said, I also do believe we are getting much less respectful in our society. I lived many years in a culture where respect is am practically law, and while they have their own set of problems, coming back to the U.S. was quite a shock for me. I am often shocked and horrified by the way strangers treat each other. In fact, I even worry that by teaching my children the respect and rules I was taught, I may be setting them up for disappointment because they will be too sensitive or "old-fashioned" for their peers. I hope that won't be the case. I don't know what to do about this problem, but I feel better that other people recognize the issue as well.

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answers from Sioux City on

I believe you need to honor both your parents. I think things began to slide when our Christian values and beliefs began to slide. My parents haven't always been the best parents. They are both recovering alcoholics, but God gave me to them for a reason. I love them both dearly and I would never not have contact with them. They have on occasion fed my kids foods they shouldn't have. They have let them stay up when they should have been to sleep. My Mother loves to purchase rummage sale items and send little boxes of stuff that sometimes get thrown away rather quickly. I don't care. I figure that all those things will make great stories for my kids when they get older. I know I will have quirks when I grow old. I will probably give some silly advise also and I don't want my kids to give me the boot when I do. I wouldn't be where I am today without my parents. It took both the good and the bad that they have done to get me where I am. They are a gift!

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answers from Stationed Overseas on

I agree with a lot of the ladies who say respect is easily taken away. I lost respect for my mother a long time ago and she won't be getting it back. And it never was one thing it was over time. I turn the question around and ask when did our mothers stop respecting their daughters and why?
My husband has a wonderful mother and is total opposite of my mother. I have a daughter of my own and will work hard to never, never be like my mother. I think it's wonderful that you have a great mom but if you have never been in the situation then you probably won't understand.

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answers from Dallas on

I think today we know we have options. Just because you share the same blood isn't an automatic that you get respect. You teach respect by giving it. I think its similar to the marriage/divorce rate. My maternal grandparents were married for 62 years. I once asked my grandma what their secret was for a long marriage. She said she didn't know divorce was an option....you can imagine my surprise at her unromantic answer! I make significantly more money than my husband and am very proud of the fact that I am not dependent on him in anyway. I am married to him because I want to be not because I have no other options. Its the same with parents, we now know we don't have to tolerate toxicity in our lives if we choose not to.

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answers from Portland on

This is very interesting....

I wonder if some people are trying to cut ties because they want their moms to know that they are too a mom. Sometimes it take a little bit for our parents to transition and respect who we have become.

This doesn't mean that it's right to cut someone out who is not abusive, but maybe it gives a different perspective?

I'm interested to see what other people think.

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answers from San Francisco on

Good posting. I often wondered this myself, maybe because I have an amazing Mom. My Husband and his Mom have a weird relationship because of the past. It baffles me, because i dont know how they could have a relationship like theirs. But to each their own right?

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answers from Kansas City on

What I think you are seeing here is a wide range of ideas and responses from people that are in very young stages in their life. 20 somethings really aren't that smart or experienced yet, but they think they are because they can pick up a book and read some articles. They are excited about life, legal in every area and able to do what they want, even if what they want isn't always best. They don't NEED or want their mammas to tell them what to do and their mammas seem like some real dumb people about now. 30 somethings have figured quite a bit out about life, they are more experienced and still a little arrogant, but not as much as they were in their 20's. They respect their mammas more now if their mammas weren't abusive. 40 year olds have been knocked around enough by life to have some humility. Our mothers are a lot smarter than we thought they were. We may even feel a bit guilty by some of the things we've said or done a long the way.

Now about abusive parents... We all have to do what we have to do. I kept my alcoholic, sexually addicted, child molesting father away from my children. Because I stayed far away I have been distant from my brother and his kids simply because he chose to live a few doors down from my dad for the last 20 years. My dad died a couple years ago. It's all over. I can't do a thing, change a thing, and have only regret left. One of my daughters drinks more than I think anyone should and I am fearful she's going to wake up just like my dad someday. She's a sweet, lovely girl that works hard and can control it for now. But I am so wishing I had let her get up close and personal with my dad (with supervision of course). Maybe then she'd see what I am seeing now in her behavior and where it might lead. I dream all the time about my dad like he's alive and well. Then I wake up and have to realize again he's gone. I can't undo the arrogance that I had when I kept myself out of his life.

I'm in the 40 something catagory and respected my mother even when I haven't agreed with her and while I was in my 20's and 30's. She lives with me because I WANT her to. We bicker about how to do some things and we have our issues about how to run the kitchen LOL. She's messy when I like to be clean. But she's my mother and I love her and I would NEVER consider treating her the way I see people on here sometimes talk about their mothers. There are some responses from people below me that did NOT surprise me at all. I've seen the hardness that comes out in other ways in answers from some people here that disrespect their mothers.

Just remember that we reap what we sow. If you don't respect your parents, you'll feel some of that from your own children. My children love me and every year on Mothers day I see more and more of that. But I've had my share of teenage paybacks from my children that reminded me of the bratt that I was then LOL. My kids won't disrespect me very much or very often and for some of them not at all because I've been a good example to them. I never walked away from my mother though. I did my dad and my oldest child walked away from me and did to me for a time what I did to my dad. She's come back around and gets it now. I just wish I had done that for my dad.

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answers from Houston on

Well I know I have a really fantastic mom so I cannot imagine not having her in my life. I think that some people have really difficult relationships with their parents and sometimes it is even the parents that don't have time for the grown children. I think that girls and their moms do have problems sometimes and those problems take time to work out. On this site we are all seeing a blip in the road of someone's life, someone we really don't even know. My mom and grandma had a really tough relationship and if you would have talked to my mom about it when she was young you would have gotten a really different response than when she was older. By the time my grandma passed, they had a really good relationship, but it took time. The bond between mother and child is strong and can endure a lot so even if it seems that some people on here are very disrespectful, we are not seeing their whole life journey, just a spot along the trip. I really thank God for the mom I have, many of my friends are just not so lucky. I am really glad to hear you have a great mama, what a difference moms like ours make! Take care:)

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answers from Gainesville on

You just have a great mom. I can't stand mine. I don't call that B on her bday, mothers day, holidays, etc. I don't care if she is my mother, no one is going to disrespect me like she has. So....yeah. Everyones case is different. Congrats on having a good one !

EDIT: Some of you are horrified , like how dare anyone disrespect their mother no matter what they have done to you. YES , it does matter how your mother treats you, and just because I came out from her va-jay doesn't give her the right to treat me however she wants to as a woman. She is a person, I am a person, and there needs to be respect. I dont care who you are.

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answers from Jacksonville on

Amen!! Couldn't agree with you more! Baffles me how we no longer consider our moms worth it especially if you are a mother! Even if she is the devil incarnate, you came out of her, so that makes you part of that. Some moms wish they could change their lives for their children, but no matter how they try they could not. Some have made decisions that distances them from their children, but does that make her wicked? No support from husband, past hurts from their moms/family, no education, personality, all sorts of things make moms end up being incapable of functioning in a healthy role, but none-the-less, she either needs help, love or healing. Her position is still "your mother". Children can make choices to avoid toxic situations but all of us need love. Hurting people hurt others..In fact some of those hurting moms are probably on this site trying to reach out...

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answers from Columbus on

You are lucky. I do have a great Mom, but even really great Moms can have trouble with things like favoring one grandchild over another. Mine favors my neurotypcial child over my disabled children, which is understandable, but very destructive to the other two because they cannot compete in any way with all her accomplisments, or her beauty, or her whit. They are aware that she is the lucky sister, but they don't need to try and dance on the end of a string to get as much attention as she does. It is a great sadness in my life, but it is how it has to be.




answers from Amarillo on

Well, you guys have put out many good and bad points to mothers who are individuals first and then a mother second. As for me being a mother I have to go by feel. I say this because my mother died when I was 9 years old. However, she knew she would never see me grow up and did her best to prepare me to be the best mother I could be. She put in me lessons of respect to elders and people in authority, to be compassionate and caring, right and wrong and consequences, the ability to be independent and outspoken, to learn and earn, and to be creative artistically (the latter more so after giving birth). After her death I lived with her sister (my aunt childless) and she was another story and favored a cousin and I had to deal with the Cinderella affect. My life was not easy and I not become bitter, I made the best of it and moved on.

I have a grown daughter (33, single, childless) that talks to me daily. She told me when she was 17 that I was her best friend (when she was growing up I was the parent and guider showing and pointing out events that happened to her friends and things). We have had a few good disagreements but we still keep in contact daily or almost daily several times a day. I try to be there for her and her brother (another story) to give suggestions and ideas so that she can make the eduated decsion(s) in her life. I feel that since she is an adult she is responsibile for her life good and bad and all else. She wants kids but says she can't do it alone or won't do it alone so she has none.

The mother of my grandson (son's son) is another story. She had her mother abandon her and her two older sisters at 3 because she was an alcoholic ran off from her dad so the girls went to live with their paternal grandmother. The grandmother was not a nuturing type hugging type of individual so she was/is very lacking in many skills. She has been diagnosed as bipolar and a few other things and is very self-centered and her son (my grandson) comes second or third in her life. There are some emotional issues because of how she parents the son as opposed to his father rules (he lives with father in home and visits mom every other weekend). Perfect example she had a birthday last month and went to Disneyworld and left son home. What child doesn't want to go there? I want to go there as an adult.

Sometimes parents are not given the best/correct examples of how to be a mom or a parent. But that does not excuse them for trying to be better than what they came from. Society today has put laws into place that do cause inteference with disciplining a chlid so that the child can call law enforcement on them for minor things. A friend's child told her she would call CPA on her because she wouldn't let her do xyz. Kids threaten parents and parents back down.. Yes, we had rules and boundaries in place from a very early age and they both adhered to them most of the time. No long drawn out punishments, just if you do this, this is what will happen and it usually did. Many special events, parties and such were missed because they did not follow the rules.

My mother/daughter relationship is very good. I have had my share of ups and downs and how tos but we are very close even though she lives in another state and city. Many of my friends have had the examples of relationshps that have been posted here so it's a matter of individual integrity and coping abilities. This is just one person's opinion not Dr. Phil. I wish you all well. The other S.



answers from Seattle on

I don't know what the answer is to your question is, but I will give you my experience. I am 60, and in my generation I was taught that mother was to be respected and her way was the way, until I was an adult. I carry that with me.

Now that she is 90, I spend as much time as I can with her, because I know time is short.

When I had kids, I relaxed that a bit, and listened a lot to my kids. As they became teens and voiced their own opinions, we developed a new system. They had to listen to me once, then they could do what they wanted, as long as it was legal and safe. Then they had to live with the consequences. It made them independent and smart.

I find that they are totally independent adults now and I hardly ever see them. They do not need me and sometimes it feels as if I am not respected or loved. But I think that in their own way I am. It is just hard to see or feel.

Times and customs have changed.



answers from Seattle on

I don't discount my mom. I do respect her even though we rarely see eye to eye.

I don't always agree with how she raised my sister and I.
I don't let my children go to her house because it's an unsafe environment.

Congrats that you have a great mom. Too bad many people don't.


answers from Saginaw on

I think it would be hard to judge why a person is disrespectful of their mother based on a question on here...but I also believe in order to be respected you have to be respectful.
I know a girl who I met who was very disrespectful to her mom, I could not believe the things I was hearing and seeing....but then I heard her mom call her a B. Thats when I knew here mom didn't respect her. As a mom you teach by example. So that is what I most often see when I see disrespect.

P.S. I have a great mom and great MIL!



answers from Grand Rapids on

i agree with the one poster about all the changes that have happened in society. It used to be that you would out and played with friends, but they would call your parents if you did wrong, and no one had a second thought about that. Now everyone minds their own business, and kids get away with WAY to much. Now with laws, that state how you can discipline your child, the child has more advantage to do and say waht they want, because the parents hands are tied. So the kids start early on disrepecting the parents. And it's not that they learned that at home, but by the friends they have. And they may not even start until later in life, when they find the "toxic" friends.

My brother disrespecting my parents BIG time, when he got to be around 18, and made new friends. Well, as soon as we were able to get him away from those people, it took a few months, but his attitude changed BIG time, and he was back tot he same person he was. So society plays a role, becuase they want to fit in.

I think their is blame with the parents, becasue they DEMAND the respect, and don't give it. They will bad mouth their kids, and do things, and then they demand that since they gave birth and they are the parents, they deserve respect.


answers from Spokane on

I think that most people on this site are capable of making sound decisions regarding the welfare of their families, myself included. I just recently made the decision to cut ties with my own mom, due to her lack of respect mainly, but also quite a few long-standing unresolved issues. This was not a quick or easy decision for me. I agonized over it for a long time. Since doing so, I feel peace about it. I love my mom very much, and I miss her terribly. I just cannot allow her toxicity in my family's life any longer. It has nothing to do with lack of respect on my part. I am open to try to rebuild our relationship in the future, but for now this is the best thing. I'm glad that you have a good relationship with your mom. I understand that it seems people are disrespectful toward their parents-some really are! I would love to sit down and have a heart to heart with my mom, but she will not hear anything that has to do with me disagreeing with her, and it's very frustrating. Sorry if I step on any toes.


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