When Contemplating Divorce, Did You Have Mixed Feelings or Were You Done?

The first time, I was done. SOB threw a tv at me. Not interested in "working it out."

Second marriage, we tried counseling. Didn't work, because he wanted her to make me see why he was right and I was wrong. One of the problems was that he kept attempting to over-ride or undermine my parenting of MY child (his stepdaughter). It was harder to leave because he has three kids that I love and that my daughter considered her siblings. The kids never used the step prefix when introducing each other. But all three of his kids contacted me and told me that whatever happened betwen their father and me, my daughter and I were still part of their family.

Third time, his uncontrolled alcoholism made it necessary for me to either leave or die. I wasn't ready to die.

For me, JB, it took about a year of really struggling with 'is this working? Is this the person I want to be with and hopefully have kids with? Can I see myself doing this long term.?' We'd had a few pretty huge arguments before I had more or less come to the point of admitting that he wasn't ever going to change. Without going into the laundry list of issues, I should say that we had tried couples counseling (I'd been doing individual counseling for about a year and half at that point) but the crux of it was that he considered every problem to be my fault. Period. He did not perceive that he, too, had room for improvement, and that was pretty much his attitude toward everyone in his life.

We did finally have it out, basically over the fact that he wasn't helping me with any housework... but that was really more the straw that broke the camel's back. I was scrambling after that; a friend loaned me the money necessary to get me out and into my own apartment (she cited Sartre's "No Exit" as her reason for offering the loan) and I took on more hours and paid her back quickly.

Overall, I knew that no matter how hard I tried-- and believe me, I tried to make him happy, us happy, but the problem in a nutshell was that I was getting healthier in therapy and he simply wasn't. I had outgrown being the person I was when we first met and fell in love. At the beginning, I was in full caregiver mode, needing to be needed because that was what gave me value. In the end, I was healed in that area and realizing that caring for my husband in the way I had been was more like caring for a child, and really, who wants to have an intimate relationship with their son? That's sort of where the relationship ended up landing.

I'm looking out my window right now, at my little boy in a tree, eating a bit of Halloween candy and looking so proud, waving at me. JB, the best thing I could have done was to leave and not look back. Besides my sweet and wonderful husband and son, I have so much more self-respect. I feel more in charge of my life than ever before. All I can tell you is that you know when you know, and you won't know that you are there until you are there and knowing that there are no alternatives to splitting up.

I don't know if that helps, but my heart certainly goes out to you. It's a tough spot to be in.

First of all I am the child of divorce. It is uprooting but not an the end of the world event. Kids bounce better than we sometimes give them credit for especially if they have supportive adults involved. After their divorce my parents were civil in front of each other and pragmatic in everything concerning us kids. They don’t even like each other but for our sakes' they grit their teeth admirably. I remember being hurt they were divorcing but also relieved the unending tension was going to stop finally (I was nine at the time). I don’t think parents often realize how stressful a broken or rocky marriage can be on the children. Part of me wishes my parents had done something sooner.

For my own divorce there was an "I've had more than enough" moment but then I found myself wavering during the entire process. There wasn't any one glaring issue which tipped me over but the sum total of them was more than I could handle. I was tired of being tired; I was tired of working so darn hard at something that just didn't seem to be getting better. My divorce was not about finding greener pastures. I understood the grass is not greener on the other side; it still needs to be mowed, watered and cared for. What kept me on track, though, was the undying belief I DESERVED better than he could ever provide. I gritted my teeth and endured the process with the end goal in mind - the ability to be happy on my own terms and in a better relationship with a better partner in the future. I deserve to give and receive love within the supportive framework of a healthy relationship. I believe we all deserve that but not all relationships can provide that. I firmly believe divorce sucks but is necessary. Only you can decide how much time you want to devote to a relationship which is not meeting your needs as trite as that may sound. I don’t think you should expect a firm ‘ah ha’ moment. It may or may not come. Sometimes we have to decide on the facts we have at hand and there’s not always an overwhelming mountain of evidence leading us one way or the other.

I cried when I had to go to court to finalize the divorce and felt like a wreck for several months afterwards. It was a humiliating experience. I tried to grieve and move on quietly because for me divorce was the ultimate admission of failure. My divorce was the death of a love and a dream I had worked hard to keep in working order for a long time. Stopping/divorcing was just as hard as admitting it wasn't working and I needed to leave. I persevered through the divorce process for me and I didn't find it to be easy. Necessary but not easy. Good luck.

JB

My ex husband and I had issues for a LONG time before I decided to divorce him. He came to counseling a couple of times, but when his drinking was raised as a point of concern, he never went back (and continued to over indulge).

I wanted this marriage to work. He was my HS sweetheart! We had broken up in college, each went on to earn degrees, have other relationships, good careers etc. We 'reunited' at out 10 year reunion. we married, had 7 kiddos. Of COURSE I wanted it to work! I thought it was 'kismet'!

But, for me, the drinking became a HUGE issue that he was unwilling to address. I actually wish I had left earlier in the marriage.

There was a huge incident that made me decide to leave the marriage 'officially (the marriage had been over for a while, and we were really just going through the motions). I think most of my kiddos were relieved. It did/has upended their lives...BUT I think we have all learned a lot though out the years. And, most of it positive.

NO ONE can (or should) tell you what to do. When I reach deep into my heart and soul, I can say that I tried everything I could to stay married, and make the marriage work. That helps me through the times when I question myself.

Feel free to PM...marriage (or divorce) is NOT for the weak of heart!

best

With my ex? When I didn't love him and couldn't imagine loving him because he truly disgusted me on a visceral level. When I no longer felt that he wanted to honor me in our marriage.

My ex was an emotionally abusive man with borderline personality disorder (high narcissistic tendencies). I feel like a broken record because I've posted this link 3 times today, but when I found myself in the statements made on this site ( www.youarenotcrazy.com ) I began making serious plans to leave.

Hi JB, it occurs to me that you are not yet at the "How Much A Person Can Take" point yet. Because if you were, the impossible logistics of the thing would not really be on your mind.

Of course my situation was different from yours. One thing I will say is this: It's been 7 years now. We are ALL better for it, not just me, but also him AND the kids. It is better this way over all.

I don't know that it was the "right" thing to do. But is seemed like the lesser of two evils, you know?

So to answer your title question, I actually STILL have mixed feelings about it. It certainly wasn't my first choice, or how I'd imagine my life would end up.

Best to you girl. I'm thinking about you.

:)

My marriage was challenging for most of the 17 years. The turning point happened two years before I finally moved out. Our counselor said that I had just reached the point where I "didn't want to go around the same merry-go-round again". She was right. Once I decided, and started taking action (looking for an apartment), I didn't turn back.

The holidays have a lot of built in stress. I would not choose to make a major life change this time of year. For me the added stress would send me over the edge. In addition to that the memories of this holiday ending the marriage would ruin every future holiday for yourself and your childten.

I also suggest that because your husband is searching for help now is not the time to end the relationship. It's so rare for a man to be this invested in saving his marriage I urge you to keep trying.

I so suggest that it might be helpful to put active focus on saving the marriage during the holidays. Would it be possible to call a truce letting go of the need to make it better? Accept each other as they are now while focusing on making yourself happy without having expectations of your husband.

I had mixed feelings, so we decided to give it 6 months and during that time we went to counseling. We each had an individual session each week as well as a couples session each week. It was a lot of work, very stressful at times, and required us to really look at ourselves. We ended up staying in counseling for almost a year, and that was over 5 years ago and we are happier now then we have ever been. BUT, it only worked because we were both 100% committed to all the hard work, to learning to communicate better, and not judge each other, and how to understand that we all see things through our own lenses and to stop judging based on our lenses, but to try to see things through theirs. I guess I would have known I was done if I felt the work was no longer worth it, or if he was not putting in the same amount of effort and hard work to save us.

Blended families are so so hard. I'm a mom and a step mom, my husband is a dad and a step dad. The dynamics are so tough and statistics show that blended marriages fail more so than regular marriages. In the last 5.5 years my husband and I have been through a mountain of craziness and stress. The only way we have survived is because we genuinely feel the love toward each other....and continually show it. I couldn't do it, if I questioned my love toward him. I wish you the best.

While I have not been to this point because the counseling has worked for us both times...I knew I wasn't ready because I still have some fight in me. And he had fight in him. But you BOTH have to want it to work, or it's not worth it.

I want to send a virtual hug. I hope you find the answers you need.

Maybe, just maybe, medication will make the difference necessary to save this.

I haven't split, but was on the verge of it for the past couple of years. Things are slowly changing for the better.

Good luck.

My ex and I were married 9 years, together 10. At the time of our divorce, our kids were 4 and 7. For about the last 3-4 years of our marriage it became very clear to me that my husband was not a "family" man. I basically did EVERYTHING for the kids and house AND worked full time and he only worked and did nothing to help with the house or kids. So this obviously started to make me very resentful. Then one year the weekend before Thanksgiving I stumbled upon a picture of him and some chick which made me do some digging and found things I didn't want to. I confronted him, he denied everything of course, swore he would "change" and go to counceling. Well, I put him to the test to see if me and the kids were important enough to do that. Nope, the very night I confronted him he was back to texting one of his online girlfriends. So I simply waited to see if he would "change" and go to counceling and all the things he SWORE he would do. Nope. Nothing. So 2 days after Christmas, I asked my mom to keep the kids over night and told him I was done. Pack a bag and get out. And he did. I got to the point that I KNEW I COULD NOT STAND TO SEE HIM FOR ONE MORE SECOND WITHOUT KILLING HIM. That's when I knew it was over. I had just started an insurance agency from scratch, had a 3000sf home that was in MY name only but it didn't matter. I short saled the house, moved in with my mom and focused on my business and my kids. And guess what? I unexpectedly met and married a wonderful man who is NOTHING like my ex. My kids love him and I don't have to work and I trust him more than 100%. I did not take my divorce lightly as it was devastating to my kids nor would I suggest it lightly to anyone else. My advice to you is to do everything in YOUR power to save your marriage. If your husband does not do the same, then you can move on knowing you did what you could. Lots of us have been though it and our lives have turned out so much better. Good luck.

I grieved over the loss of my relationship two years, or more, before I actually left. When I finally left (I had prayed hard for many years, went to counseling, talked to my spouse etc.) I realized I no longer had respect, love, connection, etc. to him. I had tried over the years but with the situations surrounding our dysfunction I couldn't see staying when I was constantly on edge, having no support, no connection, no respect (from either side). I did not want my kids to see that a relationship is simply dysfunction. Did I want them to go through divorce - not AT ALL but I also realized that at the young age of 5 my son already lacked respect for women.......... I needed him to see a strong mom, happy mom, and couldn't stand him living in a house where he saw me getting undermined on all of my decisions..........

This answer ended up being much longer than anticipated but - that was my experience. I filed for divorce last January........our divorce is ugly - the kids father has thrown out some nasty false allegations (google divorcing a narcissist) - I'm constantly waiting for the next nasty letter from his attorney or an attack from him......but, despite this battle, I'm happier......my relationship with the kids has gotten much better.

Best of luck in your decision......