What Would You Sacrifice for a Relationship/marriage?

I would have a bigger issue with the time he wants to spend with the ex (without me present) while he ignores how it makes me feel. I can understand not wanting to stay in a home you can claim no ownership over, but I would hope that we would find a place together if my home was not ideal, not just a rental.

What would I give up? Well, I gave up my home, even my country, to move half way around the world to be with him. I left school (but was able to finish while living in Japan). Then, because of his career and the travel it included, I gave up my career when we had children, while still living overseas away from friends and family and support. So in a way, I gave up everything from my old life to be with him, and 15 years later I don't regret a single thing.

To answer your header question: people sacrifice a lot. Moving all over the world for a military spouse to taking care of an elderly in-law who has regressed to an adult sized baby. Your examples are not much in terms of sacrifice.

Try not to stir the pot or get involved. It seems this juicy sad story is interesting to you. It sounds like you would not want to be in her shoes. The picture you painted (visit an ex girlfriend and leaving wife and kids at home) does not sound great, but it is non of your business. If you add another 2 cents, your name will be used and everything will be your fault according to this family.

What?
Guess I'm not understanding this well.
Your SIL shouldn't have sold her house.
If her Hubby was that insecure, he was self fulfilling his own prophecy.
There's no reason to rent and put the kids through this because he's being an idiot.

This has less to do with your divorce and more to do with your former BIL being a jackapple.

It sounds like there were red flags before the marriage and should should have ended the engagement. She doesn't seem to have a marriage worth holding onto. She should get legal counsel about how to protect her assets - or her half of them anyway.

It is not worth sacrificing having a partner who is willing to listen and compromise.

It's not about the house; it sounds like your friend's husband is selfish and unwilling to compromise. They have a baby together: time for a counselor.

BTW -- homeowning does not necessarily translate to "stability." You can lose your home, as we know. There is nothing wrong with renting. This guy doesn't take his wife's desires into consideration -- THAT's the problem.

And, I think it's GREAT that he keeps in touch with the ex's kids, but he could bring the wife along too, occasionally, so that she feels comfortable with it.

Interesting question.
A "house" does not make a marriage. Nor does it make a bad marriage good--or even better. It's still just a bad marriage with a house.
I think her husbands actions speak volumes.
And actions speak louder than words.
She allowed his lack of commitment to THEIR marriage to dictate her actions (going along with his choices).

Some people don't have to have a purchased home to feel secure. I know many people who rent their entire lives. I haven't lived in my own home for most of my adult life and find it sad when I have to worry about repairs instead of calling the manager to have the maintenance staff come fix it. I'd love to live in a place where they did the repairs and outdoor work. But I wouldn't like living on top of others again, sharing walls and floors and sounds.

Also, many people hire someone to do the outside work for them all the time. We did that in the last town we lived in. Hubby was working and we could afford to pay a lawn care guy. It wasn't much, believe you me, he could have charged double the amount but he just wanted to be a good person and make enough money. Seriously, he only charged us $30 to mow a 100'X150' lot with our house, one storage building, and some outdoor play equipment.

I assume she sold the house and has been supporting the family on that money and it's gone now. I feel bad about that, she won't have anything if he dies unless he has wonderful life insurance.

My dad had been raised moving around a bit. My mom was in the same childhood home her entire life. So when they got married he didn't want to buy anything. One day she told he it was time for him to make a choice. Either find their family a home or she was moving out. He realized she was right and they found a small modest home in OKC. They raised us there and lived there until they were both gone. It sold after that and I've driven by a few times.

I think that people with different aspects like this have major issues. It's very hard to get them on the same level and get them to move towards any long term goals that please both of them.

I think she's going to have to pretty much go buy a house on her own and tell him if he wants to move in here's his part of the finances that he has to provide and then he can keep the rest of his earnings to do with as he pleases.

She needs to provide for her family and he isn't going to be much part of that. She needs to take a stand.

But if she loves him and is okay with renting, it is stable living for many many people, then she needs to adjust her thinking and be glad instead of regretting the loss of her home.

A purchased home is not security. I live in the house that my ex and I bought together. He no longer lives here. Yes, it's secure that I ended up with full custody and full habitation of the premises, but he'd have to pay our support even if we were renting, and it certainly didn't keep us married to own a home.

The home isn't mine. Technically it's his name on it, but when we sell it we split the proceeds deducting any arrears if he has any, and not much will be left. So he really doesn't "own it" either.There isn't that much equity in it for either of us. We just had to spend $7000 for a new roof out of pocket since we couldn't get a home improvement credit line. We also spent a bundle insulating and putting storm windows in....at the end of the day, we MAY get that money back at sale or may not.

So anyway. Our lives wouldn't be a lot different if we were renting. And people lose homes when they lose jobs, just like they get kicked out of apartments or rented houses.

She can't make him want to purchase a home. And it sounds like they are unhappy regardless of that. All you can do is stand back and be emotionally supportive of whatever outcome happens.

I suggest a relationship in which i felt I'd have to give up things causing me to be unhappy is a very dysfunctional relationship. I'd first get counseling to see if I could find a way to be happy. I suggest she can choose to look a t this differently. If I couldn't do that. I'd leave the relationship but contine with counseling until I could be happy.

Staying in a dysfunctional relationship is not good for the children. I suggest she is teaching them to settle for less than they deserve in the way of happiness and relationships. If she wants her children to have a better life than the one she has she must find a way to make her home happy or move on for a new start.

The saying usually used in a different context fits here. "If Mom isn't happy no one is happy." Same applies to Dad.

I feel like when people enter a relationship prepping for the worst, the worst usually happens. Self fulfilling prophecy and all that.

Also looking at their story I am not sure why they committed to each other legally when it is clear they were never emotionally committed.

So here they are trying to save a legal document, what is the point of that?

I would just end this relationship because it never was one.

F., I'm sorry. I don't understand your question. Is there even a question here? It's more like a statement. What I am getting from this is "if you ONLY rent you are a loser" and if you rent - it's NOT stable.

You got a divorce now your former sister in law is moving and you have a problem with that?

I'm sorry - but WHY does it matter to you? How does this affect YOU? What does it MATTER TO YOU why they are moving and selling their home??

I know PLENTY of people would PREFER to rent rather than BUY a home. That's THEIR decision. You MAY NOT impose YOUR desires on someone else. IF your former sister in law is NOT happy with the decision - SHE needs to speak up and stand her ground, NOT YOU.

Good luck!!

renting vs buying would not be a hill that III would die on, not for a good man that i loved. there are pros and cons to both.
this guy sounds okay to me. he's not a harry homeowner and happier in an apartment. i myself would not like that, but again, it would suck to be in a home and all the maintenance and upkeep that houses require if my partner hated it. i'm sure there's a reasonable compromise there. it's also kinda nice that he's keeping a relationship with kids who were important to him. if it's an 'in' with the old GF, then no, but based on what you've written here it doesn't sound so awful. nor does staying close to his mom.
if she's unhappy, she's unhappy. but for me, it wouldn't hinge on keeping or selling a house.
khairete
S.

I moved out of my home and moved to Arizona to an apartment with my teen daughter, right after marriage. I still had my house, by I rented it out.

When we returned, we lived with my cousin for a couple of weeks before we found an apartment of our own.

We rented that for two years and then purchased the house we are in now. Seven years later, we sold that house and put away some college money for my then baby and invested the rest.

That all worked out for me. Don't get me wrong, it sounds great when I put it like that, but it was a lot of work along the way. As for your sister in law, it is up to her to discuss this relationship with someone else's children and tell her husband how she feels. As for me and/or my husband, we never got that close to someone else's kids that we had to go back and revisit, but I understand if your brother in law does.