...was just given a beautiful jewellery box...her very first one...with a new pair of earrings handmade by her grandmother, and you discovered that after two days of proudly wearing the earrings, she took them out and intentionally dropped them down the drain in the bathroom sink? When asked about it, she just shrugged with a smirk, though clearly knew she did something wrong, and said "well ha ha, it doesn't matter because I still have a jewellery box". As a side, she was thrilled with the box and was taking good care of it, though I did take it away. She said the posts on the earrings felt too loose and so she apparently decided to just throw them away. We talked about writing an apology note to Grandma and she replied "I am not going to say sorry for real..."
Whoa...really feeling unsure about this one...she is acting so bratty and I am sort of taken aback. This is not typical.
How would you handle this?
Thank you for the thoughtful replies. We opened the drain together and found the earrings...then had a long discussion about people's feelings, caring for things, and more. She did get her jewelery box back, after some discussion, because indeed, she had been taking excellent care of it, and I felt it wasn't an appropriate consequence. As it turned out, she told me that she did not want the earrings anymore because the posts were too loose and they kept falling out in school, and her teacher had to keep putting them back in. We then talked about not getting rid of things in inappropriate ways but telling me, so I can help fix the problem, or putting things in a safe place until she is able to tell me about it. We put the earrings back in her ears with stronger posts, and left Grandma out of it. Hopefully, her lesson is learned, but she does know any future incidents like this, and the earrings are out of her ears until she is older. Period.
forgive my seemingly off topic comment for a moment. You know the old show Little house on the Prairie? Watch it with her . Several episodes. I find where words fail, telling my girls they are being little Nellie Olsens is all I every really need to do. They get that. You can use words like selfish, thoughtless, bratty.....But when you put it all into one stereotyped love- to -hate character like Nelly Olson, they seem to catch on.
Yeah I'd be beyond livid. If she has been known to do things like this, I'd have kept the gift out of reach until she was old enough to appreciate it's value.
The jewelry box needs to be put away. She should not be rewarded by continually not learning the significance of the gift. Especially if she is not sorry.
Handmade earrings from a grandmother is priceless in my opinion. I'm also 36, not 5. I would have her write a letter.
i'd be so pissed about it that i'd probably have to give myself a lengthy time-out and keep repeating to myself 'she's only 5. she's only 5. she's only 5.'
cuz that's pretty ugly. and grandma will probably be be very hurt.
but she IS only 5.
so i'd have a very stern talk with her about taking care of things, and what it means when someone gives you a lovely gift. i'd take the jewelry box away and put it somewhere safe until she's older AND has demonstrated that she is responsible. and i'd probably also need to think of some sort of significant action to be taken to help drive this lesson home. if it's possible to take the drain apart and sift through the gunk and find the earrings, that would be one. maybe write a letter of apology to grandma (if grandma is going to be apprised of what happened beyond 'belladonna lost the earrings.')
the action is bad enough. the smirk would really make me want to add a hard labor component.
but she IS only 5.
does she behave with this degree of nonchalant entitlement often, or is this a weird anomaly?
khairete
S.
Ah kids...they have such an interest in "I wonder what would happen if?...."
They cannot think any further.
It is time to have a discussion about why this is going to hurt grandmothers feelings. Why we take care of our things. About why we may not get nice gifts in the future if we canot take care of our things. Could she write an apology note? Maybe put the jewelry box away for a week? Maybe longer?
And mom, it may be a few more years before she can actually be trusted to care for the most "precious things" that are given to her. Maybe when she is, 8 maybe not until she is in 5th grade, or even in High School. Each child's maturity is different.
This is pretty normal. She honestly does not know why. It was just something she wanted to do.
Instead of asking why? Ask a question that she can answer.
I suggest that you calm down and deal with this as you would any other misbehaviour. I understand why you are upset. To you, earrings from Grandma has special meaning. Not so much to a 5 yo.
I would calmly have a discussion while the two of you are doing something together. Talking while driving is a good time to talk. I would want to know why she put them down the drain. A possibility is that she was being teased at school. Another may be because everyone was making a big deal about the earrings to the point she was upset. perhaps someone commented on how wonderful Grandma made those earrings for you. She may have felt that the earrings were more important than her for example. I suggest the smirk may be a defensive move. Or, because she's thinking something like you think these earrings are so important. They're not important to me.
A 5 yo does not think the same way as adults. putting them down the drain may indicate that she was angry. She may have not been angry but was experimenting with the drain.
Apparently she likes the jewelry box. Because ehe was taking good care of it I would give it back and talk with her about how you felt when you discovered the earrings down the drain. Tell her you are giving back the box because you know the box is important to her. Ask her how she felt putting them there and show her compassion. This is how we teach compassion. She will be defensive and show anger at first. If you can remain calm and concerned I suggest that over time she will come around.
I would have her involved with cleaning out the drain so she knows how unpleasant it is.. You can remove the elbow with a bucket under it. When you put it back together use plumber's tape.
I would not tell her grandmother. She doesn't need to know and by not telling her you are showing your daughter compassion. You are also letting your daughter know you are on her side even when she misbehaves.
I suspect you've already told her and she's now angry too. Hopefully both of you can use this as a teaching moment. Discipline rather than punishment. Discipline has the consequences fit the misbehaviour. Having her help get the earrings out is discipline. Or keeping the earrings so she has to get them from you is discipline. Taking away her jewelry box that she was treating well is punishment.
I would take the box and tell everyone that she is not old enough to have things like those earrings. She is not responsible enough to treat them nicely. I would make sure all her earrings are studs only, the starter stud kind that can't be easily removed.
I agree with AV. I would take away anything of value (monetary or sentimental), and not just the jewelry box. Tell her you have to safeguard everything of importance until she is old enough to understand and be responsible. I would not let her play with an iPad or computer, for example, or borrow anything of mine that I care about. I wouldn't let her dress up in your clothes, and I'd put away any heirlooms or breakables that you really would hate to lose. I would remove things from her room and make a display of putting them away for safekeeping in a place she cannot get to (locked closet, inaccessible attic, etc. Anything that has to go into the bank safety deposit box should go there. And I would take expensive things off her birthday wish list.
I would also get a plumber to take the sink apart, and I would then deprive her of things that might have been purchased with that money. Starting with her treats and snacks and so on. There's no money to waste, darling daughter.
Kids often show attitude when they know (or think) there is nothing that their parents can do to stop them. If this is one bone-head episode and there have been no others, and you don't think there's a risk, that's one thing. But I'd certainly let her know how hurt Grandma is (or would be if she knew), and I'd do something really nice for Grandma that takes time away from your daughter - make her cookies, buy her a little something for "no reason", write a letter, show her how much YOU care for Grandma and appreciate all that she is and does.
I think a 5 year old is often too young to have earrings and to care for her ears anyway - there's nothing unusual about that part. So it wasn't a good idea perhaps to pierce her ears or to give her something handmade that she's too young to appreciate. I would not buy her any more earrings, and you can even consider removing the earrings she has. Yes, the holes will close up and she can maybe get them repierced when she is 10. I would base that decision on whether she is callous about other things besides this one set of earrings. If you think you have a bigger problem on your hands, then you need to take more drastic action.
Whooooo I'd be steaming. She's 5 not 3 so she clearly understood what she did and she doesn't value anything. She should be horrified about telling grandma and because she isn't I'd take away everything except her clothes. I mean it! And yes I've actually done it before to my own kids. It was pretty effective. I threw all their toys and cute stuff in their rooms in boxes and put them out of reach for a few days. I'd also make her tell grandma in person, if grandma lives far ways - over skype or facetime.
If that doesn't rock her world you have a much bigger issue.
ETA: I completely disagree with Teenmom. Although I do agree that this was too young to be wearing something so treasured she is not too young to have a reality check. Are kids are very susceptible in this day and time to not valuing anything and to be very entitled. A 5 year old can't be and shouldn't be watched every minute.
First of all, I would make her help unclog the sink. She's only 5, but she should know to use the trash can.
Second, I would have a discussion with her about hurting people's feelings. I would tell her that grandma spent time and love making them for her, and she wasn't obligated to wear them, but she certainly didn't need to throw them away. She could have just kept them in the box or somewhere else.
I'm really not sure about writing a note to grandma. It depends on how sensitive grandma is. If grandma is the kind of person who is going to be hurt that your daughter threw the earrings away, I think a white lie -- she lost them -- is better than admitting the truth and making her write an apology note. In that case you tell your daughter that grandma's feelings are going to be really hurt and we are going to tell her that you lost them. That should make your daughter feel bad and teach her the lesson of consideration of other people's feelings.
If grandma's not sensitive, then yes, have her write an apology note. Then grandma can decide what to do about the jewelry box.
I feel that perhaps the error is yours in not supervising a 5 year old. At that age my kids played, snacked and did most everything near enough that I knew what they most likely were doing. If it got too quiet I would go check. And the smirk may have been nothing more than not knowing how to react. I would make it a learning opportunity and make sure that things within access are kid friendly. My girls received silver charm bracelets at about that age and I would let them wear it when we went somewhere together and then they went back in my jewelry box. Not that I did not make mistakes, my oldest almost choked on a corn chip that I stupidly let her eat in her car seat, our cat once ate an ear plug with a very messy resolution, playing with make up somehow included permanent markers once, a shower alone almost caused a concussion when the pressure-fit shower curtain rod fell, and, and, and. She is 5. I would teach but not punish since you state it is unusual behavior.
What she did might not make any sense at all, and she might not have an answer to give. Littles are impulsive and irrational.
First, I would retrieve the earrings by removing the P trap pipe under the sink. It is really easy. Just put a bucket or pan underneath to catch the water.
Second, I'd take the earrings away for now as she is clearly still too immature to wear jewelry. No discussion about it, no earning them back. Just do it and be firm.
Very frustrating I'm sure.
I think I would take the drain apart with her there and have her help go through it to find the earrings. I would also take the jewelry box away until she can be more responsible (let her know that her behavior is unacceptable).
I would also have her let grandma know what she did and for grandma to let her know how it hurts her feelings to throw away something special.
I can remember my daughter doing things similar to this at that age so she may be just testing what she can get away with.
On our last move I had to put just about everything we owned into storage so my daughter found out fast what it was like to not have any toys. I think that may have helped her appreciate what she has. She thought that her dad and I gave everything away since we were in different short term rentals until our closing.
Great advice below, so I won't add much. But I'd take it one step further. You might want to had a gentle talk with Grandma about possibly sending more appropriate gifts to your daughter. I understand that she wants to sent nice gifts (what Grandma doesn't? Mine did.) Maybe Grandma could find special gifts that are much less destructible and not so easily lost or experimented with? I'm not sure what they could be though, it was just a thought.
It's likely they are still in the drain, you know that right? That's why it has that crook on the bottom with a cap at the bottom. It keeps heavier stuff in that spot and if it's not removed quickly it will cause a huge clog that a plumber will have to come dig out. Stuff will start sticking to the earrings and then more and more will stick until there's a complete clog.
The jewelry box is gone, that's good. It needs to be in the top of the attic or something until she's obviously older. The smirk is a sign that she had an ulterior motive and knew exactly what she was doing. That's worrisome.
Take the jewelry box away till she's older.
Take the trap off the sink and see if you can recover the earrings - put them in the jewelry box.
No more earrings for her - till she's about 14.
The holes can close up and she can get them re-pierced someday.
She's obviously not mature enough to deal with special gifts or earrings.
Tell Grandma if she wants to give something special like this you'll be happy to hold it for her till she's older but she can't handle the responsibility for right now.
If all of this is not typical, then she trying it, so you teach her not to do it. My 5 year old is too young to take good care of jewelry, so I keep it away from her unless it's ok to be lost. However, she WOULD know it's not OK to throw out a gift, so she would NOT be surprised if I sternly reprimanded her and came up with a consequence.
As for snide comment refusing to write grandma: "You do not talk back to me like that or ____will happen, and yes you will write to grandma or ____will happen" then follow through. If she continues to have that attitude going forward then give a consequence every time so she never gets used to getting away with that. It's normal for her to try it though.
Address each bratty incident calmly and clearly and follow through. This is a phase that can get really ugly if permitted! If it's new at five she has a good foundation so far. Just address it firmly.
Are you sure she actually put them in the drain?
At age 5, my kids sometimes still came up with some far fetched stories about how their belongings went missing (or things that they had accidentally broken).
Around that age, one of my kids took a special gift to school and traded it for a My Little Pony figure. I couldn't believe it. I asked why on earth she would think that was ok - and the answer was "I didn't have that Little Pony".
My kids aren't liars by nature, but around 5, there was a very creative stage where I heard elaborate excuses - especially if they thought they would get in trouble. We used those instances as learning experiences and about consequences.
I'm just wondering if she might have come up with that story thinking it might have been better than the truth? Just where you say it's not typical behavior and she had really liked the earrings, I always sort of question what they tell me if it's suspicious.
Good luck :)
You've handled it already but I hope the talk included some strong direction on your part about how she spoke to YOU, not just how she threw the earrings away. Was she remorseful when you talked about how hurtful it is to throw away someone's gift even if it doesn't work for you? And even if the gift-giver doesn't know you've treated the gift that way?
If she got it and was really remorseful--good; if not, it's possible she knows she got let off the hook as far as apologizing and may interpret that, in her five-year-old brain, as her attitude getting her what she wanted, namely, to not have to apologize when she didn't want to.
In order not to keep shifting your reaction, I would not now go back make her apologize if you are "leaving grandma out of it" as the SWH says. But I would absolutely have her write a thank-you note to grandma for both gifts with no mention of the incident. If she doesn't write much, have her draw or collage a gorgeous card for grandma. Help her address the envelope and send it via mail, the formal way. Make her take time with it whether she wants to or not. (If she says, "I told her thank you already" but there was no note or card made, still make her do one. Don't make her think that doing the card is a punishment for her actions, though, or she'll resent thank-you notes forever. Just be clear that we thank people when they take time to make us things.)
I would have not given back the jewelry box, myself, no matter how much care she had taken with it (and how long had she had it to "take care" of it anyway? Sounds like days.). She really has suffered little consequence here that would give her pause next time -- she gets her box, the earrings got retrieved and fixed, she didn't have to apologize to anyone, and--as far as I can tell from the SWH so maybe I'm wrong -- she wasn't given an immediate consequence for her surprising replies to you.
I DO get that this is not like her and it's hard to know how to react in the moment when our kids do something that takes us aback. But I would think now about how you plan to handle it if she brings out this attitude again and what consequences you will use if she does, so you're ready.This may be a complete one-off and never happen again; kids her age are still very young and don't think through things.
I would make sure that she makes all her gifts to grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. by hand herself, for while to come. Don't drag this incident into it, or even mention the earrings, but do mention how lovely it is to make and get handmade gifts that take time and effort.
