What Would You Do If Your Dad Was like This?

I would not respond in an email or at all, I would simply let it go. If you do respond, just let him know he is welcome to reach out to you at any point, but I would stop trying going forward.

I'm so sorry you don't have the dad people imagine having, and especially a grandpa. It's hard to come to that realization sometimes, but when you do and accept it, you'll be much happier.

I'm very sorry this is what it is for you.

Yes sort of sounds like my dad. I've just let go and stop putting in effort when he puts in effort then I put in a little effort but basically I've just tried to move past it.

Mama

You are holding on to something that isn't there. I'm sorry to say that.

May I ask why you still call him "dad"? In my opinion? He's your biological father and really? That's it. It doesn't make him your dad.

I understand wanting and needing daddy. I understand wanting and needing daddy's approval. I'm sorry. You aren't going to get it. This guy (won't call him a man, sorry) doesn't have the backbone to stand up to his wife. She plays favorites and calls the shots.

Don't cut him off. Just quit trying. Don't hold any resentment towards him. Forgive him - that's the hardest part - forgiveness. Don't carry this anger and animosity around. It's not good for you.

You already know you're done. It's not about being nice. It's about stopping the pain. You deserve better than this. Your children deserve better. You're not cutting anything off. Remember that. There is no relationship here. I'm sorry. I'd like to hug you while I'm telling you this because I know it hurts.

Just know you are NOT cutting him off. There is no relationship there to cut off. Move on with life and realize you are better off without him.

My dad WAS like that. (So were most of the males in my and my husband's extended family.) And I completely disagree with everyone who suggests you cut off the relationship.

I skimmed through the responses, and Amy J. says it best. Sadly, many men are like that. Women do tend to control the social dynamics of a family. Almost always. So it's very typical for males to just go with the new wife flow.

My father was a "good guy." He really was. But I didn't live with him for most of my life, and I rarely saw him. He loved me, in his way, but he didn't feel the need to contact me much. That was my normal and I never considered anything different. He saw my kids maybe three or four times in their lives. We talked maybe twice a year.

Do I think he was kind of self-centered and weak? Yes. But once he died, I wished that I had gone out of my way to spend more time with him. I should have tried to make him come out and visit more often, I should have called him more often, I should have taken my kids to visit him, if he wouldn't come to me. I miss my dad, I miss my dad.

Once your dad is dead, you have no more chances. Do NOT cut off the relationship. Ask for what you want, and make it happen. He won't be the world's most perfect dad, but he will be better than nothing. He sounds like kind of a passive guy, like my dad. But not like a bad guy.

The problem here is that you want your fathers approval and attention and he can't be the father/grandfather you want him to be.
Why he ignores you/your family is anyone s guess.
He might just associate you with your mother and he cut her off and therefore you as well.
He might see cutting you off as a loyalty thing to his new wife.
You can't change him - the only thing you can change is yourself and your expectations.
If you want to cut him off - you can if you want to.
He might not notice.

Probably some therapy would help you get over wanting his approval.
When you have achieved indifference - you'll be free of him.
Right now - you care enough to be angry with him.
Once you no longer care about what he thinks, it'll be easier for you to accept him as he is or not care enough to try keeping him in your life.
Cutting him off is not a spiteful thing.
It's just letting him go.

My situation with my father is very similar to yours. Parents divorced when I was 6 and father remarried shortly after. I visited every other weekend, but
he and I have never been close, and my stepmother has always been the jealous sort when it comes to me. 14 years ago, he threw a huge fit over some of my choices for my wedding (I had my mother walk me down the aisle) and decided not to show up for the ceremony. It wasn't anything personal against him as I tried to explain to him. My mom and I are close and she is a two-time cancer survivor. I realize how lucky I was to have her still, and I wanted to honor her by having her walk me down the aisle. If he had a problem with that, then so be it.
After years prior of putting up with them, I just decided at that point to let it go- him, her, their whole drama. I made it clear that he is welcome to come to me at any time if and when he wants to talk things over. Over 14 years later, I still haven't heard a thing from him. He's never met my children. Even though we are estranged, I have forgiven him a long time ago. Holding a grudge against him just undermines my happiness.
So, what would I do? What I did. Just because he is your father doesn't mean you have to let him hold you emotionally hostage. Focus on the relationships in your life that are meaningful, not the ones that bring you down. At the same time, don't be angry or bitter with your father, as hard as that may be. Life is too short to walk around with that kind of emotional baggage. Let him know how you feel and then leave the ball in his court. That's really all you can do.

Reading your post, something came to mind which I am going to write here now; I don't know you, so if I'm off base, I apologize.

I think that it's not that you are 'too nice' to cut him off and that maybe there's some fear there -- that if you cut him off, he won't be responsive or want to fix things, and that will be confirmation of that 'less than' feeling you are carrying around.

Like others, I understand this feeling and have been tempted. It's hard to sit with: he's too passive to make an effort to make the relationship happen, too passive to acknowledge past hurts and IF you cut Dad off, he may be too passive to want to fight for the relationship. He also sounds a bit disconnected, like he realizes he was not an attentive father to you and so he talks about the grandkids liking him to maybe prove to you (or himself) that he's "okay" or a good guy.

I won't go into my own situation, but what you mentioned~ Expecting NOTHING~ has really helped. I'm 44 and had to learn to accept him for the flawed person he is. I enjoy what he has to offer, when he has to offer it (which isn't often).

You could consider going back to therapy, trying to figure out what it is that you want from him; how to get it in other ways since he is not fulfilling any of those important needs you had when you were young. At some point, our parents stop being "parents" (usually) and the blessing in this is that, if we want, we have the option to 'reparent' our own selves and find what we need... what was missing from our lives that our parents could not give us.

Accepting him for who he is will help you let go of the anger. His 'stuff' isn't necessarily directed at you. He probably looks at you, feels those parts of his life he failed in, and so being around you may be very hard for him. You may be a reflection of the way he didn't rise up to be the person he had hoped he would be.

My own dad practices a lot of avoidance. I've learned over that time that seeing me is hard for him because he really failed me when I was young. (He abandoned me with a mentally ill, abusive parent.) So, that may be a facet of the relationship that is getting overlooked-- for him, it may be far less about *you* and far more about his sense of self that's causing him problems.

I hope you can find a good place for yourself in all of this. You, too, can go the passive route: zero expectations, when you get together great, if not, like Momma W's excellent answer: your community and friends will make good 'family' for your own kids. We have gone this route with my folks with a great deal of success. I have a lot more peace since I have accepted that while I deserved better, I got what I got and now it's up to me to do better for my own son. It's all I *can* do, you know. Keep on going and just keeping my heart and vision fixed on keeping my own family happy. That's really all any of us can do in this sort of situation. Good luck to you.

This really is a sad situation. I'm sorry.

Others have stated what I would have told you: there is no relationship.

Don't put any effort into this. Let him do the work.

WW had it right, forgive him. Forgiveness is hard. You do it for you. Not for anyone else but yourself.

Southern Yankee sounds like a mom like me. Do what you want to me, leave my kids alone. If my parent had dissed by children? All hell would have broken loose, I would have mentioned right then and there and then escorted them to the door.

These monkeys aren't worth your time. That's exactly what they are, monkeys. It's their circus. Don't get caught up in the circus.

First of all, I'm very sorry that you've lived with this dysfunction for your entire adult life. How very painful and confusing it must have been to grow into adulthood feeling "ousted" by your father's second family.

That said, I think that you have been standing by silently far too long. It's time to have a sit down with your father, just you and he, and talk with him transparently about how you feel about your relationship. Ask him outright if he wants to foster a relationship with you and his grandchildren or not. Work out a real plan and let him know how important it is to you.

And if he doesn't...you can feel okay with moving on and working to cultivate the other relationships in your life instead. You don't have to keep beating your head against the wall.

I think you have two choices.
Completely severe the relationship,
or,
accept the relationship for what it is and stop expecting more.
It doesn't sound like you want to cut him off completely, and I don't think you should.
But if he's had such a limited and distant relationship with YOU then it's not surprising that he has little interest in your children.
I know, I know, moms have a hard time understanding how grandparents can't be interested in their own grandchildren, and it HURTS doesn't it? But I can tell you from my own experience that sometimes they just really aren't all that into it.
And it sounds like he made a choice many years ago that his "new" family is his primary family.
Personally I have handled it by accepting the fact that if my mom doesn't want to have a relationship with her grandkids well then that's HER loss, not theirs. My children have plenty of people who love them, I don't need to force a relationship with someone who'd rather not be there, ya know?

Have you ever talked to him and told him how you feel? I mean, rather than quietly seething and sorrowing and feeling hurt over his sleights to you, have you ever said, "you know Dad, when you do all these things --blah blah blah blah blah-- and make such an effort with your grandkids with Susie, it really hurts to see that you don't make the same effort with me and MY kids. It feels like rejection. "

Because if you haven't, I'd say that is what should happen. Then, once you have stated your feelings, he is free to act (or not), and you are free to let go of the hurt and accept what he is able to give (or not).

Relationships aren't one way streets. Although, when it comes to parents, children (even adult children) tend to let the parents lead and then just follow along... But you have the power (and frankly, before you cut him out of your life and your kids' lives, you also have the responsibility) to tell him how you feel. Give him a chance to make a change.

If he doesn't, then you go on with your life, knowing what to expect (and what not to expect) And your kids will learn the same. Honestly, it isn't just children/grandchildren of divorce who deal with this favoritism thing. Intact families do, too. But most times, the children keep quiet and fume and agonize over why they are treated so unfairly, without ever speaking their mind or asking why their parents choose to behave in the ways they do.

If his eyes are opened and he "comes around", then you all win.

Good luck.

Oh hun..I hear ya and I am in your same shoes. But about 10 years from taking a new stance with my dad and changing my perspective. That is not to say there aren't times I want to give him a knee to his groin but I have changed my expectations of my dad.

I have two step sisters as well. The woman my dad married was our next door neighbor, my mom's best friend. Soooo, I think you can put two and two together and figure out the story. (actually put two and one together and subtract one..my mom)

I don't have alot of time right now but just know that your scenario has played out in my life ALOT!

I had to let go of ALL expectations. I have had to fill our life with wonderful pseudo grandpa's, aunts,uncles, cousin relationships. We have all the blood relatives but divorce just ripped our family into shambles and my little family just doesn't see blood relatives on a consistent basis.

I have come to a place where I can say I truly love my dad for the broken man he is. He is such a passive man that he has to go the road of least resistance so he goes along with the woman he lives with and sleeps with. My step sisters are first priority and I have accepted that. He moved on with his life and me and my siblings were the "visiting relatives." Bonds were not strengthened through the day in, day out living.

Please don't sever ties with your father. He emailed you and he feels bad about having to ditch town.

I hear about and see the drama that comes from living in my dad's household. I am so glad I am far removed from that. I see him a couple times a year and have no expectations and fill our lives with amazing people the rest of the year.

Your dad is in a tough spot and has to live with the drama of his wife and the step sisters. Be glad you are not in all that.

I have built up my relationship with my dad through emails, texts and phone calls. I invite him over for lunch occasionally. He has really enjoyed this because he doesn't have to plan and coordinate any of this with his wife and her daughters.

I pity my father and the life he chose. I have let go of the anger and the "how could you's?" I have picked a wonderful man as my husband and we have a full life. I don't NEED a daddy anymore...but it is nice to have a little bit of a relationship with him that is on my terms.

I wish you the best and hope something I said can soothe your pain. Just know that I understand...I have run through every emotion there is and did cut my dad off at one point to avoid the constant disappointment and sadness. But, that wasn't good for ME. I needed to find a place of peace and that involved talking to my dad about my feelings and telling him how pissed I was and then finding a way to have a decent relationship where I wasn't always left disappointed and let down.

Letting go of all expectations has really helped me. Just taking what he is willing to offer and leaving it at that has brought me peace. Also alot of prayer and asking for the Lord's help to help me forgive and move on has been the biggest influence.

I wish you the best.

aw, this is so sad. i'm so sorry. i can see how this would really make your heart hurt.
:(
he doesn't sound like a jerk, or that he really deserves to be cut out of your life. that being said, he doesn't actually deserve much of your attention at all. i suggest you stop putting energy into it. if you see him, great! if not, well, no skin off your nose.
much easier said than done. you may need to talk to someone a little to help you work on compartmentalizing him sufficiently so that you can keep his actions (or lack thereof) from impacting you negatively.
beyond that, i'd just let it go. don't go to a bunch of trouble to figure out how to get your kids to see him, or to develop a close relationship with him yourself, since this clearly won't be reciprocated. work on having him become a nice man your kids don't know very well, and then integrate that into your own psyche.
but please stop expecting or hoping for him to become someone different.
khairete
S.

Stop expecting anything from him and make no effort to see him. If he wants to see you, he can come to you.
You can't change or control his behavior. And after all of these years, you know how he's going to be.

Move on with your life.

I am sorry your dad has disconnected from you and your brother. Have you talked to your brother about it? How does he deal with your dad?

You are correct in all you say. You are desiring a relationship with your dad that he is incapable of for whatever reason. Please know this is HIS problem but it is influencing you. You've done nothing to deserve this. It is his flawed character.

My daughter by love (step) has the same issue except it's her mom. Her mom is a horrible person who abused her growing up. My daughter is nearly 30 and still looks for approval and wants a relationship with her mom. She calls me heartbroken and sobbing at least once a year about a situation with her mom. Please don't do that. Please seek counseling or read books about toxic people and how to deal. I am amazed as parents the responsibility we have to treat our kids well. What we do has lasting influence.

Limit your contact. Protect your feelings and your heart. Protect your kids from feeling second best in their eyes.

Blessings!
L.

Lame as it sounds, you're probably right. Your dad probably is that passive guy who just appeases the wife. And lots of men are like this. My dad is kind of like this. His wife's happy, he's happy. And I'm your age. He's much more active in the lives of my step-siblings.

But in MY CASE, I don't really mind! I'm glad he and his wife are happy. They live far away because they moved to be closer to her daughters. While my dad and I get along fine, we're not soul mates and after a couple of days...we're both ready to be not visiting anymore. He's visited us once since my kids were born. We've visited them 3 times with 2 years in between each visit. SInce we had not seen them in so long, we stayed for a whole week each time. BRUTAL!!! Longest weeks of my life. I'm a nutty artist and they are retired military, logical neat freaks and I've never been so stressed trying to keep the kids silent and tidy. So. Between emails and FB shares....we just don't NEED that much time together. When I see them always off visiting the step siblings and going on cruises and ski trips together..I'm like, "phew, glad we didn't have to go". My step-sisters are VERY close to their mom, and that's my dad's central family now. I'm OK with that.

But if I wished it was different, honestly, I'd be honest about it and make it change. You moved closer to step sister, so don't give up now based on a failed New Years thingy! Everyone probably figures they'll see you plenty now that you've moved closer.

Also, maybe you just didn't mention it here, but have you said to your dad, "Dad, it's important to me to spend more time with you, especially for the kids. How can we visit more frequently?" Because if you've kept quiet about your disappointment: He doesn't know anything is wrong. And sounds like they keep very busy socializing with the step sisters, so you fall quietly through the cracks.

There's no getting around the step mom, so include her in your message. "Dear mom and dad, It's really important for the kids and I to spend more time with you guys going forward. Hopefully our new living location will enable that, please include us in your plans whenever possible and we'll do the same.." Then YOU do the first few invites. You invite yourself over to their place a couple of times. He's not used to initiating, his wife does everything based on her own habits, so don't keep score or hold onto the past. Accept that you won't get them to yourselves much, the step sisters won't back off or anything, but they'll have to share too..

Only cut people off when they have been made aware of your stance and have refused to comply. Not when they don't know what's happening, if that's the case here. I'd try first before cutting them off if your kids will benefit from their family on his side. Even with my step relatives being "distant and scarce" my kids love those cousins and maybe in the future we'll get more time together.

I think you need a face to face heart to heart with your dad about how you feel. But you also need to accept that maybe it's not going to change. He could be like my uncle, who is dragged along with his wife's family because if he didn't go to their Christmas or whatever, she'd make his daily life miserable. Several years ago she finally got the hint that we don't think the sun rises on her command and now they don't bother to come. We are beneath them. When I can see my uncle on his own, he's great. But wife-less times are far between. I acknowledge that it's not about me. It's him. If you tell your dad you miss him and you would like your kids to know him better and maybe think outside the box (like Skype?) about how to facilitate a better relationship, maybe he'll listen. And if he does not, focus on the relatives that reciprocate. If your dad is that passive, don't expect him to make any extra effort.

You got a lot of good advice, I'll only add: do what you can to have a relationship, so you don't feel regret when he's gone.

That said: protect your heart. Don't try to "pour yourself out until you're empty" because your relationship with him will never "fill you back up." Just know you did what you could, and be satisfied with that.

He's a father in name only and by blood only. He's not a father figure. He's not a friend. He disses your children. Stop dealing with this and just take a hiatus. Maybe he'll figure out later what he has done. Maybe he won't. But I wouldn't be losing sleep over this man or letting my kids see how he shows such favoritism.

Honestly? I would let this relationship go. I would stop trying. You've tried for long enough.

(I think what's going on is that your stepmother is calling the shots and your father is not man enough to speak up for what's right.)

However, I would let him know, in no uncertain terms, what is going on.

Good luck!

Well, I'm a mama bear when it comes to my kids. Poop all over me but when it spills to my kids, not going to happen.

I don't know if you have ever told your father how you feel. I'm not sure what good it would do but it might help you move forward. Personally, I would tell him how disappointed your kids were about their not coming to visit and the fact that he invites the other grandkids and not yours is not lost on them. I would then say it was one thing to do this to you and your brother but to continue that pattern with your kids is unacceptable.

I would also tell him that you are done with this lopsided relationship. You could also say "I forgive you for your behavior towards me but I can't continue to subject my kids to this". Wish him all the best and let him know that should he ever decide to be a real part of your family, you are open but nothing less.

I would then leave it alone. I wouldn't call, write, send cards, nothing. Total blackout. I also would suggest you talk with someone about your feelings. I know it is hard when you try so hard and want that relationship with a parent and it isn't there. I truly don't understand parents that behave like that.

If my dad were like this, I would say a good prayer for him and let him go. He has not been part of your life since the divorce. You are trying for something that was never there the "perfect" dad relationship.

The new woman family filled in the void and moved on. A few times he tried to make a stance but could/would not. So now you feel left out of something that never was.

Find a few new friends to be grandparents to your children and move on. There is a saying about doing the same thing over and expecting a change. All you get is a headache and no relief. Life is too short for wanting something that never will be.

I, too, wish for many things and know that they will never happen. Another long story on its own.

Have a great day and enjoy the life you do have and the good memories from your current village.

the other S.

PS Just because they are blood does not make them family.

He sounds toxic - I would go very low contact with him.

He also sounds weak and like someone who follows the path of least resistance. You are probably a painful reminder of his failures. His wife and stepGK's stroke his ego. But the bottom line - it's all about HIM, and not you. That is a really screwed up parent-child relationship.

I would not continue to expose myself or my children to someone like him, blood relation or no.

ETA: I would NOT put anything in writing to him.

Unfortunately, this is a very, very common pattern with men. For whatever reason, it's easier for them to pretend their hands are tied. Unfortunately, it becomes more important to them to appease their new wives, than do the right thing by their own, biological children. Both my grandfather and my FIL did the same thing.

I barely saw my grandfather when I was a kid because my grandmother died when I was 2, and he promptly remarried her friend who had her own children.

My husband's mom died when he was 13. His dad couldn't function without her. He proposed to my MIL's sister out of desperation. She turned him down, so he found someone else and just left. My husband was still a minor when he left. The new wife had her own kids and wanted him all to herself. She refused to let him call or see any of his 5 kids. When I met my husband, he hadn't seen his or talked to his dad in over 2 years. His second wife died right before our wedding, but he continued to be estranged from his own children. He was living with his stepddaughter and her family until his death 8 years ago.

If I were you, I'd just quietly step back and stop trying to contact him. Expecting nothing is good, so then you will be pleasantly surprised when he does show up or call. You could try expressing your feelings to him or calling him on the carpet, but I doubt that would do much good. The new wife is going to be the priority. Every time. It sucks, but that's just the way it is.

Best wishes!

I'm coming to grips with a few of these things myself. Similar circumstances. I wax and wane between hurt, anger and making peace with it. Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I just let the expectations go completely and roll with whatever comes. No pressure to him, no pressure to myself to keep things up. If I feel like calling or visiting, I'll do it and if he feels like calling or visiting he can as well. My kids have plenty of people who love them and spend time with them. They aren't hurting, since they don't know what they are missing really. Anyway, I know how you feel. Maybe it would be best to see what happens and not put in all the effort on your end. It's not all up to you to keep things going.

Cutting off someone who is already gone seems like a "term thing" to me. I'm sorry you didn't get a good dad/granddad. Email him and say what you said here. It may put your 'almost no relationship' on a hiatus anyways.... But how would that change anything?
Expecting someone you hardly associate with to read your mind is not realistic. So atleast give yourself the opportunity to know that you were honest and

I'd write an email back and let him know exactly how you feel.

I'd point out MY kids were extremely disappointed that they didn't come and their choice to just up and leave very very sad. That I'd never tell them again that grandma and grandpa are coming to visit because it's just too painful to see their disappointment.

I would make it all about how they hurt the kids and not how awful they treat you. Then maybe he'll see some connection to his actions and how others feel. By recognizing how he hurt your kids he might realize how he hurt your heart too.

I see stuff like this happen and I just don't get it. My ex married a lady who had 2 boys and our daughter fit right in between them. He had 1 son that he hadn't seen in years.

He put both the boys in soccer and he coached them and was totally enmeshed with their lives. BUT he also did stuff with our daughter when she went to his house. Yes, she did have to compete with the boys but it's because she was coming into their home as a visitor.

I think dad's and mom's who have visitation and have new kids in their home need to put themselves in that visiting child's place and understand how out of place they feel.