What to Tell Almost 4 Year Old About Death?

My 92 year old grandmother died in hospice a year ago. My 3 yo son asked what happened to her. We are also not religious so I just tried to explain death to him in terms he could understand. I told him people have one special battery that is made just for them. So, when that battery runs out, they can't be replaced and the person dies. Kind of like toys do when their batteries run out- they just stop working. Usually when they are very, very old because people's batteries can last a very long time. We can't be with them anymore and will miss them, but we can remember them whenever we want to. That seemed to make perfect sense to him, and he didn't ask anymore questions. Hope this helps.

I used to work for a hospice program, this link might help....I agree about the "sleeping" thing....bad idea.

good luck

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html

When my son was 31/2 we lost his great grandfather, whom he did see rather regularly. Like you, we are not a religious family. When we told him the grandpa died, he asked what that meant. We were as honest and as basic as we could be. We explained that his heart stopped working. That his lungs stopped working. That he couldn't talk, eat or sleep. His body just didn't work any more. He asked if it happened to everybody and we said yes, but that most people enjoy a long happy life first. Then he asked if grandpa was sick and that made him die. And I told him yes, but that it was a different kind of sickness than when he got a cold. That his inside parts were broken and doctors couldn't fix it with medicine. And it wasn't a sickness he could give to other people. Then he wanted to make sure great grandma was ok...then he wanted to go play. He doesn't bring up death too often, but he does mention Grandpa. I am sorry for your loss.

We are not religious either.
My daughter is still a little young, but I plan on explaining to her that death is a part of life and almost all living creatures die. When we die the atoms that make up our body return to the earth and the circle of life and create new things like flowers, trees and animals.
I think you should tell her whatever is your belief or what you want her to believe. It's a tough subject, but if she was not particularly close to your grandmother, she might not even be very sad or curious.
If they were very close, you could focus your conversation on how to deal with sadness and grief. For our family that would be explaining that she has inherited some of her grand-grandmothers genes and through those and her memories, your grandmother will always be with her.

97, wow! What an amazing life she must have had. Your family is fortunate to have had longevity like that. I'm sure you all learned so much from her.

As for your question. Are you an outdoors family? Has she seen a dead bug? If yes to these questions, I suggest the approach of great grandma returning to the earth as part of the cycle of life. It may sound hokey, but it is the truth, and perhaps gentle enough for her.

Best to you.

Hey E.,

I would tell her truth... but on her level.

People die, and it can be scary. People die because their bodies get too old or sick, and they stop working. They turn off. If it were me I would explain that people die just like other things you see die, like plants, flowers, animals... their bodies get tired or sick and their light goes out. Use terms that she will be familiar with. Saying someone's "light goes out" sound weird to us but to a 3 year old, the concept is easier to grasp because she knows that it looks like when a light is on and then turns off.... or another example you can come up with that you know she'll be better able to grasp.

I taught preschool for quite a while and I had a few situations like this one when a child would lose a relative and would ask questions and what not for a few weeks.

There are books out there about it too, some really great ones. Check the kid's section at a bookstore in your area, there should be lots.

The best thing to do is be honest, because in the end thats all you can be. She will react to your reactions... so if you approach it as scary and creepy and "doom"-ish... yeah, it'll freak her out. But be level headed and explain that its just something that happens, and reassure her in whatever ways you can.

We are personally a spiritual family but even then - I wouldn't teach my kids about the concept of heaven. Its a lot to grasp, and teaching them about some far away place where nobody is hurt and God lives will immediately translate into a fairytale for her, and then eventually unbelief as an adolescent and adult. I was an atheist for years because I was raised to think that people floated off to mansions in the sky when they died - and when I hit 13,14,15... I thought, "Well thats stupid." And all of my upbringing went out the window. (Sorry, but it did.)

I'm sorry for your loss, best of luck to you!

Sorry for the loss of your Grandmom.
Just my personal opinion here but I think without having hope of a greater purpose after life ends, death may be too scary and overwhelming for a 4 year old. I just see them having nightmares and fear about their life being no more. We would tell our child what we believe, that God has a greater plan for all of us and that we live forever with Him in Heaven which means death is the beginning not the end.
That being said if you still want to tell her, be very general but be honest. All things, are born and eventually die, people live on in the memories of those that knew them. “Grandma lived a wonderful long life and will always live in our memories but her time on Earth was finished”.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm happy to see that you've gotten plenty of responses from other non-religious people. I've seen so many of these types of posts turn into preaching sessions. I am an atheist raised by atheists. Death was explained to us quite simply by my parents as the body just being done. When we become old or very sick, our bodies stop working. Our heart stops beating, and our body no longer works. We don't eat or talk. That's it. My grandmother died slowly of cancer when I was 6, and my sisters and I visited her daily until the day she died. We saw her body dying, and though it was sad, it made complete and total sense to me.

Dorry for your family's loss - my grandmother is also 97, and I don't know how much longer she'll be with us.

The day before our son's second birthday, I was diagnosed with cancer. We were very honest right from the beginning that I was really sick. He went to chemo infusions with me (thought the TVs were awesome as well as the apple juice and graham crackers), doctor's appointments, saw me without my wig and when I was sick. We didn't tell him all the details, but he generally knew what was going on. And, we'll continue to explain in more detail as they age it as the rest of my life will be affected by it.

I strongly believe that honesty is best. I'd explain in simple terms that we're born, we grow-up to be adults, and then, when it's our time, we die. Our 3.5 year old doesn't understand the finality of it . He is caught-up on why the bear at the zoo isn't there any more, and we told him that she got really sick and died even though the doctors tried really hard to help her.

She may not understand exactly what it means, but I'd personally recommend going through pictures and telling stories to celebrate her life even though she really didn't know her well.

Good luck.

Hi E. - sorry to hear of the loss of your grandmother - it sounds like she lived a very full life. Hopefully your fond memories of her will be a comfort to you.

About your little one, unless they were close and she is missing her absence too, I wouldnt feel the need to bring it up to my 4-yr old. - especially if she didnt ask. I can understand wanting to acknowledge the passing of your loved one but death is a difficult concept for one so young and it might be scary for her to find out she lost something forever that she never even really knew she had.

In the next few years, she will learn about families in school and she will possibly ask you about family members that she never knew. It's at that point that you can tell her about her great-grandmother and how they met when she was a baby and that she passed away when your daughter was very young.

It is hard for the chldren to understand at times but I truly believe honesty is the best policy.

When my daughter was 4, her best friend (4) died. It was one of the hardest things we went through as friends of the parents, etc. She did not go to the funeral.

It did bother her (they were in same preschool class and played daily as well as weekends) and for a long time after it happened....my daughter told everyone she saw (grocery, etc) that her best friend died.

Daughter is 15 now and still remembers and she put all the little gifts she had received from this friend in a special place so they would be safe.

I am so sorry bout your grandmothers death.
Here is a list of books that may also help your child. They explain on his level what death is..Old Pig is about the death of grandma.
* I Had a Friend Named Peter by Miriam Cohen (friend)
* Old Pig by Margaret Wild (grandma)
* Tenth Good Thing about Barney by Judith Viorst (cat)
* What's Heaven? by Maria Shriver (grandmother)
* When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by L. Krasney Brown (people)

I would tell her Grandma was very very old, so many more years older than her or you or Daddy. When your body get's so old it wears out (now here is the part that depends on your personal beliefs) and her spirit goes to the spirit world where she feels good and happy. If you don't believe that then what do you believe? She rests forever? Think about what is comfortable for you, but do your best to point out grandma was older than any of you and maybe she was sicker than any of you have ever been. Help her feel safe by understanding it is unlikely that this would happen to her or her parents (which is true).

My mother did not believe in heaven either and told us when you die you die. You don't feel anything. That was sad to me but didn't leave any major scars. As long as you are there for your daughter she will be okay.

I lost my dad a little over a year ago and had to explain to my 3 year old son that my dad was gone. i am not religious at all however i did say my dad wasnt sick anymore and went up to clouds to hang out with other ppl that were sick or old and had to go some where else to feel better. i told him that he can still talk to him whenever he wants but that we just cant see him. my son now calls my fathers grave stone the memory stone and always has to show the grave stone/ my dad his new trucks or toys etc. he also blaims the weather on my dad now because of course we say that my dad is up in the sky watching us. he was tramatized for a few months with the issue of not seeing my dad and saying that my dad woke him up in the middle of the night but now he is fine with it. pictures have helped alot as well. also we talk alot about my dad. i explained it to my son that my dad was sick and needed to go away to feel better and that some day far from now(hopefully far from now) we will meet papa again. not sure if this helps just figured i would share my experience and maybe give a few ideas. good luck and sorry about your loss.

I believe in being honest with kids. Just simply say that she has died - has your daughter had any other experience with death, a pet or something? Kids are so smart, they know if you're not being honest with them. I tell them that the person has died, and that we can have the comfort of knowing that we will see them again in heaven one day.

So sorry for you loss,
Whatever you choose to say to her, keep in mind that your daughter will apply it all to herself. Children are very egocentric, and if something happens to someone or something else, it could happen to them (even if they don't express it, they will be thinking that). So I would focus on letting your daughter know that your grandmother lived a very long, wonderful life that has now ended...you can compare it to things in nature like the end of a season, when leaves change etc. She's so little that the whole concept will be too huge to grasp anyway, so I would keep the explanation short, focus on the happy life of grandma and the things you will miss. If she asks if you'll see her again, you can say that you're unsure...you hope so, but no one knows that secret until they pass away...which won't be for a long long long time when we're very old and ready to. Without using the concept of heaven or an "afterlife" its a little harder for children (and adults, too) to imagine what happens, hence the reason why folks, religious and not religious, use some sort of an "afterlife" explanation for comfort. Since you're not comfortable with the heaven concept, keep your focus simple and your thoughts to giving tribute to her long life and how lucky you all were for having her in your lives. Hope that helps.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you've gotten some great advice here

My grandmother and our family dog died last summer within weeks of each other. My son was just about 3.5 at the time. One thing that was helpful for us was to say that even though their bodies went away (we used a lot of the same terminology people have mentioned such as bodies get old and sick, etc.) we can still talk about them and remember them and look at pictures of them.

He did attend my grandmother's funeral and I think it was somewhat helpful for him. We weren't sure if he had made the connection with her body being in a graveyard, but when we drove by one soon after our dog died, he said, "That looks like the place where Grandma Rosie is. Is that where Murphy is?"

He asked us many times why they weren't coming back, and would also announce to just about anyone, "My dog died" or "Grandma Rosie died." He also started asking us when we were going to die, when he was going to die, etc. Be prepared for this!

Sincere condolences.
Lifetimes is a wonderful book by Bryan Mellonie that explains death matter-of-factly as a natural progression of the life cycle. It would support what a lot of the other responders have said about telling your daughter that grandma's body could no longer work.
Best,
J.