What to Do with My 5 Year Old Boy Who Is Acting Out.....

Sounds like you are very busy. Your son may be saying he wants his Mommy back all to himself. Try having a date with your child once a week. Put it on the family calendar and don't miss it. Reward his good behavior and include him in as much of the care of your daughter or find ways for him to help make dinner. Try to include him in the positive things you are doing for your family every day. If possible sit with him for a few minutes and read to him before he goes to sleep. Just you and your son. That is what he is trying to tell you. He just does not know how to put it into words.

Hi S.,
Well I have a 5 year old son and I understand where your coming from. But then it finally hit me that he wasn't getting enough attention from me or from my husband. We were so caught up in chores or watching our favorite things on TV we just were not giving him the time he deserved and needed. And a 5 year old isn't going to come into a room and ask you to spend time with him and he shouldn't have to, that's our responsabilities as adults and parents to know these things and not to put them on a 5 year olds shoulders. Plus I'm sure both of our boys have at one point or another and have gotten shushed away because we were to busy, after so many times of doing this, they will give up. Once we started turing off the TV until the kids went to bed, sitting down for a meal together and then having play time as a family and then getting ready for bed at the same time "every" night, things drastically changed! The focus was on him and his sister. The didn't have to compete for our attention with the laundry or dishes or the dreaded TV or Computer. All those things can wait, they aren't going anywhere, but your son will only be this age once and you don't want to miss it.
Good Luck,
J. in Macomb

It appears that your 5yo is spending too much of his time feeling left out, and is finding (creative, although inappropriate) ways to get the attention he needs.

Sadly, the solution to this is not simply a matter of being in the same room with him a lot. It is in making eye contact, soliciting his attention, physical affection, engaging in what he's doing regularly throughout the time you have together, and talking with him about the things he's interested in, not just the things you're interested in him knowing.

It also means finding out what is genuinely age-appropriate for a 5yo boy. He sounds pretty normal to me. If you were expecting mature behaviour, you're going to find yourself frustrated a great deal of the time with his immaturity. And he will be immature for another 10 years, minimum.

You can't talk him out of being immature, he has to grow out of it himself. In the meantime, the best solution is always to meet his needs as they arise, so they can be satisfied and dissipate. Don't ever be afraid of 'holding him back' by giving him what he needs... he'll grow up feeling secure instead of (as is so common in our culture) simply not growing up at all.

My children are 14, 11, and 7. I answered a similar question from a mom whose 4 yo is using bad language.

First, the reasons for this could be many, his age, his personality, his reaction to his sibling who is now developing a personality of her own (and getting attention of her own that doesn't revolve around simply taking care of her needs).

My suggestions to you is to remain calm. This is the most difficult part of the whole thing (it is really hard not to react), but if you come unraveled every time he acts out, then you are both in the same boat. Someone has to be in control, especially when the other person is out of control.

Next, let your action fit the behavior. If he is using bad words, simply say that you cannot hear ANYTHING that he says when he uses words like that. He will have to repeat what he is saying, minus the bad words, if he would like you to hear and respond. Same goes for whining. If he is throwing a fit, let him know that you'd be happy to talk to him, once he pulls himself together, and walk away, if you are at home.

Try to talk with him about what is going on at a time when he is not having a meltdown. Perhaps he is experiencing an issue with a child at the daycare, or perhaps something is bothering him that is completely unrelated.

You need to find out if he is so angry with someone that he actually would like to hurt them (I'll shoot you), or did he just say it because he thought it sounded tough or cool. In either event, you have to help him understand that threats like this are completely unacceptable. Most schools have zero-tolerance policies for threats of violence, even from the youngest students (who usually don't mean it). It's worth helping him learn about it now, than having him suspended over it later.

Hi S.,

Even though I have no personal experience with a 5 year old since my daughter is only 20 months, I am reading a wonderful book right now called Love and Logic, by Jim Fay. It obviously isn't a quick fix but it has really helped me learn a new approach on how to handle my daughter. Good luck!
J.

Obviously, you need to start monitoring what he is watching. If he is five and talking about shooting people (limit him from the news also). You might want to try taking a day off from work and keeping him home with you and provide hime a day of just him. He sounds like he is demanding attention. While you are having that day talk to him about his inapropriate behavior. Let him know that if he acts that way you can't do anymore of the only him days. But if he can be good you might be able to more often. (Even if its only a couple of hours on a weekend). Find a positive favorite book or tv show and when he is acting up ask him if Spiderman (for example) would do that. If not lets try to be more like spiderman than ok? Another thing to try is when he is acting up ask him if he is being good or bad. If he knows he is being bad ask him how he thinks he should be punished...then punish him that way.