What to Do with Kids Who Are Starting to Tell Stories or Lie.

Hi T.,
I think many kids try lying at some point. My youngest of 4 (who is now 7) went through a lying phase. It kind of drove my crazy that she would flat out not tell me the truth even when i knew she was lying! We handled it calmly and and emphatically emphasized that lying was not OK. Whatever she did was not nearly as bad as not telling the truth.
I'm not big into time-outs, but when she would lie, I told her she would have to stay on the couch or in her room until she could tell me the truth. The first 2 or 3 times, this was a long time!! She did not want to give in. She was dramatic, tears and all. But hated being away from everyone. The hardest part was for her to admit wrong and verbalize it. But when she finally did, she felt better and I loved on her for doing the right thing.
Lying still pops up now and again but we handle it firmly. She knows that it is not funny or cute. You will be glad to nip it now especially with a little brother watching. I think my other kids who were a bit older than her at the time, learned from watching her go through that. :)
A little about me: mom of 4 (ages 7-13), married for 15 years. I have enjoyed every age and stage so far (OK-except potty training!)-they all have there joys and challenges!

Sometimes what we adults see as lying is actually a developmental milestone. At first, children can only deal with what they can see and feel, (out of sight, out of mind.) They later develop a sense of object permanence where they remember that something exits that they can't see at the time. Eventually, they start to think in concrete terms where everything that is real is "physical." (i.e. if you say "your ball is in the living room they can picture the ball and the living room in their mind.) As they develop, they can start to think in concepts that can't be verified by the physical, (i.e. "your ball was in the living room yesterday but it isn't now.") When children get to the point where they can think in concept, they start to experiment with changing reality. If they ball was in the living room, but isn't now, who is to say that it wasn't really in my bedroom. You can't prove it physically, it is basically a memory so why can't that memory change? After a while, they start to figure out that they can use this "convenient memory loss" to their advantage. "If I believe that I didn't do something, and you can't prove that I did it, who's to say that I really did do it."

All that to say, if you discipline every incidence of his reworking history, you may not have time for anything else. When he is making up a story, I would ask him, "is that just pretend or real?" Try to get him to see the difference without casting judgment on his statement. When it is clear that he is lying to get out of trouble, appeal to his conscience. Tell him that it is OK for him to tell you the truth and you will help him fix what he did wrong. (i.e. if he hit his brother, help him apologize. If he broke a lamp, have him help with cleaning it up in some way.) Use this as a way to teach, not only right from wrong and truth from lies, but how to correct something that you did that was wrong.

Kids this age are fully capable of lying, but often they are just inventing scenarios in there minds. They just need to be challenged to differentiate between their imagination and actual events.

One of our kids did the same thing. You must establish that it is unacceptable to lie, then never, never tolerate it, even in the smallest way. We used Bible verses to back our word, then I had to become a student of my child, so I could immediately discern when he was formulating a lie. Children need to be caught and admonished immediately - before the lie ever gets to the stage that they feel any power or protection by its use. I spanked our son, put him in bed for a time out then went in and spoke with him, we prayed for him to have strength to tell the truth and we hugged. I made sure he knew, everytime, that I had such a firm and resolved response to his lying because I loved him more than anything else. It took months, many discipline sessions and consistency, but today that boy does not lie!

SAHM of seven

When Rosie O'Donnel was still on the View, she actually talked about this very thing, and she said that she has told her kids that there is a red dot on their forehead when they are lying that only mommies can see!! I started telling my daughter that when I heard it, and still to this day, if she lies about something, I know right away, cuz she will push her bangs up, and ask if I can see the red dot!!

You've gotten some great advice already. I just wanted to add that sometimes kids, when they're lying, aren't trying to deceive as much as they're trying to express what they wish was the truth. A kid who breaks something may really want to believe they didn't do it, and in saying they didn't do it they think they can make that the truth. It's magical thinking - if I think it, it's true. So when one of your boys tells a lie, definitely take it very seriously as suggested earlier, but you might also say, "you really wish that didn't happen, don't you? How can we fix it?"

I usually ask my daughter, "Are you telling me a story?" with a wink and a smile...and she'll say, "yes...this is a pretent story Mom." Then, I say, "Oohh...Ok, I was thinking it really happened and I was starting to worry a little bit. Ok, I'm ready again, continue your story and tell me what happened next?"

That usually defuses the fake parts from the real parts of the story. It also outlines that lying can have an effect on how someone else may feel about what they are saying.

I will usually encourage her though and say something like, "If that ever happened for real, you'd tell me right?" And, of course she agrees.

Hope this helps.

Our boys are almost the same ages as yours. We've told them all along that we will believe what they tell us (we wanted to establish that we would always be on their side) but if it turned out to be a lie they would be in more trouble than if they would've just told us the truth in the first place. It happened a couple of times and after a severe grounding they seemed to realize it'd be better to tell the truth right off the bat.

There were a couple times when I already knew they were lying and I told them how I knew and they got put in time-out until they could admit to the truth.

I like the idea of asking is this a pretend story or is it real. We have went through the story of Crying Wolf with our 5 year old daughter several times and have adapted it to the situation. We have also explained to her that if she is telling a story she needs to be sure to tell the truth unless she explains that it is just a pretend story. However, on the lying part - we have flat out told her that if she lies she will get Vinegar or Molassas in her mouth if she doesn't confess. We showed her what each of them were and that was enough to make her think about her answers carefully! It's easy at any age to not quite get the whole story out there! :-) Good luck!

Tattling is a way for kids to determine who you love best. To stop it, have the rule that when someone tells on the other, they BOTH get the consequence. This will deter the older from attempting to blame the younger for things the younger did not do (and vis-versa). It will also make quite sure that something really happened before the tattling starts.

Lying should best be ignored to prevent it from happening. Don't respond to lies and always expect the truth. When they tell stories, just ask: "Is that true or did you make it up?" Give him credit for great stories made up - this is the watershed of creativity.

I actually have just noticed my 4 1/2 year old start this as well. I asked a co-worker who has 7 kids if she has ever dealt with this. Basically, it is sort of a self-preservation tool for them. They don't want to get into trouble even if they know they hit their brother, so they lie about it to avoid getting into trouble. She suggested to sit the kid down and talk about what just happened. Also, to play into their conscience, ie: you hurt my feelings when you lie to me.

My daughter came home in 1st grade at 6 years old with lies about her teacher. I believed them and automatically was furious with the teacher. I called the teacher who promised me this this and that didn't happen. I was at a point where I didnt' know who to believe. My child had never lied to me before.

I finally put logic into the matter and started to think my daughter was lying. I didn't want to believe that though.

I got tough.........

I put her on the couch after school and tried to have a civil conversation and find out the truth. My daughter got so upset and furious I knew her behavior was pointing to being the lying. I made her sit on the couch until she told the truth. Long story- she didn't get off the couch for 2 days. I let her off to go to school, eat, and use the bathroom. After sitting on the couch (in timeout) for 2 days she finally confessed and I've never had a problem with her lying since.

Hello,

I would probably put them in "think time" or some other form of discipline when they lied. Perhaps make the consequences for lying worse than the consequences for the original issue. Also, remember to praise them when they tell the truth. It sounds strange, but when I put my daughter in think time we have a very short (1 minute max) very calm conversation about why she was there. During that time you could tell him you are proud of him for telling the truth.

As for the stories, maybe you could have a story time where he could tell stories for entertainment and get attention. It is possible he is very creative and this will give him a good outlet for that creativity.

Good Luck!

I struggled with this and so did another friend of mine. My daughter didn't out and out lie, but liked to embelish the truth when telling stories to both her friends and to myself. We found out about an incident at school and had a lengthy talk with her about why doing that is not appropriate. For the most part that took care of it. If we do catch her now there are privelages taken away. It all depends on how bad it was and what we have going on. Sometimes it is only spending time alone in her room or a time out and other times it is cancelling an outing with a friend. At first the offenses were more serious and we wanted send a message, so she did get soap in her mouth. We only have to remind her of that now.

Mostly it was sitting down and talking about it that really worked. We made sure ask how she would feel if a friend lied to her and if she continued she wouldn't have very many friends. We also retold the boy who cried wolf story.

Good luck! Many children go through this at the same age. I think it makes them feel important when talking with friends, just make sure he knows you don't approve.

My almost-six-year-old has been doing this and it drives me crazy!
I usually start by asking if her is telling me a story, just for fun, or if it is the truth. If he swears up and down that the story is the truth, even if it is obviously made up, I'll ask him to stop and think VERY hard about whether it is the truth or something made up. I let him know I like to hear stories, but I don't like being lied to, and warn him that if he insists on lying, he'll be punished. Most of the time, he admits he made it up. If he insists that he is telling the truth when he OBVIOUSLY is not, he gets a time-out until he can tell the truth.
The last time my SIL visited, she couldn't find her hat and sunglasses when it was time to leave. We all helped her look and couldn't find them anywhere and she had to leave without them. At bedtime, my son *magically* discovered them hiding in a stack of folded blankets and pillow. There was no way they could have ended up there by accident. I asked him if he hid them there and he promised he didn't, and even tried blaming it on his 18-month-old brother. While that is not entirely unbelievable (my youngest is quite smart and mischievous) I had my doubts. I told him that this one time, if what he said was untrue and he wanted to tell me the REAL truth, he couldn't get in trouble for lying. It turns out, I was right and he had hidden her things because he thought it would keep her from leaving.
As promised, he didn't get in trouble, but he did get a nice talking-to about why lying is wrong and how it hurts himself and others. He also had to call and tell my SIL the truth, apologize, and promise to never do it again. For the most part, he has kept his end of the bargain.

Hi T.,
I just asked this question last week and our kids are the same ages too:) I'm glad you are getting some good advice here, so we can both benefit from the answers. My 6yo is still doing lying and telling stories. I discipline him when I catch him but it hasn't stopped, it's tough one.

I just read a great article from Growing Child that addressed this very thing...it's too much for me to summarize here; however, they offer a free "instant issue" from their website and, when I put in my son's age (5 years) the newsletter I got was the one that addressed lying and Kindergarten stuff. Here's the link if you want to try it

http://www.growingchild.com/

otherwise, if you want to email me directly, I'll try to figure out a way to get it to you.

K.
____@____.com