What to Do When You Feel like Your World Is Breaking from Underneath Your Feet

Dear J.,
Wow, I feel your ache and I sypathize with you. I am just giving an opinion here and please, in no way mean to be sarcastic or mean... but if it isn't broke don't fix it? Maybe this way is better for both given the circumstances on how you met? If things are going good and they sound like they are, why not just stay in the relationship? You still have everything for you and your daughter, you love this man and he supports you both and the love is there. You are willing to leave because you aren't 'legally' committed? Maybe couples counseling, maybe talking to him in a neutral environment alone with out your daughter? Think about it before you make a life changing decision not only for yourself but for your daughter.
I truly wish you the best of luck and if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to email!
God Bless,
Chrisitna

Hi J.,

Well, it looks like you are really in a tough situation....how is your personal relationship with him? Are you living as husband and wife, or are you guys just "room mates" who share a daughter?

My point is, you have to decide for yourself what it is about this relationship you really want. Once you have dedcided what is best for all involved (especially you and your daughter), you need to speak up and talk to him about your feelings. Be honest and direct, make him understand that past mistakes don't necessarily mean a pattern (unless he is looking for one!). Tell him what your concerns are and hopefully he will see the benefits for all of you in staying together as a family. Being with someone takes a lot of work and this work has to come from both of you (evading the subject is only going to bring you more resentment, you need to let him know about this). You will not be able to fix the problem on your own, he has to take part of the responsibility as well.

On the other side, if he decides that family life is not for him, I know that it will break your heart, but at least your daughter will know (eventually) and understand that being with someone means being in a loving and caring relationship, not one of convenience.

I do hope, for your daughter sake and yours as well, that he has the courage to face what is keeping him from giving himself completely to your family. I will keep you in my thoughts!

Take great care of your precious family and I wish you the very best!!

P.

I really don't think you should worry about a piece of paper that says you are husband and wife legally. He is with you. Is he faithful? If he is a faithful and loving guy, don't worry about a stupid piece of paper. It doesn't matter. A piece of paper doesn't mean forever either. There are 1000's of divorces everyday. Maybe he is afraid of the word after his first marriage. Maybe he feels that is not the meaning of commitment. It may have been traumatizing for him, he is probably afraid of marriage as much as you seem afraid not to be married. I assure you, it doesn't matter one way or the other, if he is going to stay he will stay regardless of whether or not you are married. Give it a rest. Don't focus on that so much. The more you pester him, the more he will hate it. Enjoy being together. Life is too short to worry about such petty things. The important thing is that he treats you and the kids good.

J.,

First and foremost you must decided what is best for you and your daughter. Can you wait for him to be "unscattered"? What is he scattered about? If he is still scattered about his previous marriage 2+ years after the fact, it is NOT his only issue. It sounds like a copout to me.

My husband and I were together for more than 10 years before we got married. But there were no children involved at the time. When we finally got married, it was very nonchalant (on the beach, in Jamaica during our vacation). While living each day together during that 10 year period, we were a loving couple and having an actual wedding didn't seem important to us at the time. When we did get married, it was because it just seemed to be the natural course of our relationship for BOTH of us.

However, it sounds like getting married is very important to you now and it is unfortunate that he doesn't seem to care about that. I noticed that you did not mention if he loves you. Does he tell you that he loves you? Also, if you are not his wife, I would not allow him to introduce you as his wife. I think he does it so he doesn't have to explain to people why you are not his wife. It makes life easier for him. If he doesn't want to marry you, then he shouldn't pretend to be married when it suits him.

In my opinion, I would stick it out until you have gotten your Masters degree and if his feelings about marriage have not changed, it may be time to move on. To continue in this type of relationship, will only cause resentment on both sides. You will resent him for not marrying you and he will resent you for continuing to try to get him to commit. That resentment will eventually be felt by your daughter.

When you are able to support your daughter and yourself financially and if he continues to refuse to commit and you continue to be unhappy without that commitment, I would move on. If you decide to make the move, you will be dealing with alot of emotional issues and you don't want to worry about the financial issues.

I know all of this sounds cynical, but I learned the hard way that life is too short to spend it waiting. You must decide what is best for you and your daughter and act on it. What if you continue to wait and it never happens?

Understand this, if you decide to leave, your world will not break from under your feet. I truly believe that women are the strong ones. We can survive almost anything. When we are faced with adversity, we surprise ourselves with what we are capable of handling.

I hope some of this helps.

S. K.

You have to do what you feel is best for you. If the actual marriage, ceremony and piece of paper is that important to you and he does not want to do than you have to go. But if you love this man that much and you are happy with your family and this is a situation that works for you and your child then why change it. Talk to him and tell him how you feel again and tell him that he needs to make a decision soon. He may not be able to make a decision right away but give him some time and if he can't or refuses to than do what your gut tells you to do. I know moving on can be a scary thing but if your heart is not fully in the situation than you have to leave because in the end you could start resenting him and the person who will really pay in a situation like that is your child.

Hi J.,

I'm truly sorry to hear the pain in your voice. This is a decision only you can make. I just would like to give you some things to think about. First ask yourself if your relationship with him and your daughter is what you would want in a marriage? Is the only missing ingredient that it is not legal?
Legal does not guarantee forever as I and many others can attest to. Speaking from personal experience, my first marriage was so bad for me that I refused to entertain the idea of getting married again for 10 years --- no matter how wonderful my current boyfriend was. It wasn't that I was against commitment, it was just that Divorce can be so messy and hurtful and long.
Before you say that you don't plan on getting Divorced -- no one ever does. We all think our marriages will last forever --but someone who has been through a failed one KNOWS that is not guaranteed.
It does not sound as if he is against commitment either. After all, he introduces you as his wife. He may just need time to get over his current feelings about marriage, or he may need to understand how important it is to you. He sounds like a wonderful, supportive partner and I would think long and hard before giving that up for a piece of paper, which in the end does not guarantee you will be happier or more secure. Just something to think about. In the end, it will be about what YOU can live with and what is important to YOU. I wish you a lot of luck with your decision. Hope I didn't offend you. I certainly didn't mean to do that.

J.,

I am not sure what advice to give, but I will pray for you and your family.

L.

Sometimes when you have to walk away from something. You do lose apart of yourself. But you get a new part of yourself. Do you know why his last marraige fell apart? How long was he married? And did he have any kids in the first? Men can be strange.

It is so common now and days for people not to get married. You have to look at your mental status. It is not healthy to stay in a relations ship when there things start to show up that you are missing.

You need to be able to care for yourself. so that you can take care of your daughter.

J.,
I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I very much feel for you. I suggest you think about what feeds your spirit and do as much of it as possible -- prayer, meditation, exercise, good friends. You need to take care of yourself. Soak yourself in some healing. You have my best wishes.
E.

I don't know what advice is right for you. I can tell you my situation and perhaps it will help you come to terms with your own situation.

I met my current husband at the very end of my first marriage. I was in the process of moving out and I met him at a party. I was in NO WAY serious about him at that point in time. I was concerned with ending my first marriage and making it on my own for the first time ever in my life. The divorce was final a year after I met my second hubby. We continued just dating, not living together for that whole first year. Almost 3 months after that, I became very unexpectedly pregnant. We took all kinds of precautions to prevent that very thing, but it still happened. I loved him, but I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him after almost a year. He of course really wanted to get married. It caused a lot of arguing and hurt feelings. I finally did agree to move in with him. We moved in together in 2002. It took him another two years to get me to finally agree to possibly getting married in the future. In other words, if he asked, I wouldn't say no. So Christmas 2004 he asked and I said yes. We still didn't get married until 2006. I put it off as we needed to save the money to have the wedding he wanted. I had already done it, so it didn't matter to me, but he wanted the whole shebang. This worked for me financially as I was still scared as all get out to get married again. I never in a million years thought I'd get divorced and to know I had and to know that I was partly to blame for the divorce, terrified me that I would just fail at it a second time. It had nothing in the world to do with my current husband. I was just plain scared and not ready to go there yet. All in all, it took me six years to actually do it again, 11 years after I did it the first time. I made a wonderful decision, and this time it was the right thing for me to do. I grew up a lot in those six years.

I know people that have been together for years without marriage and are perfectly happy couples. But I also know a few women who have been in very long relationships, the most 16 years with a 12 year old daughter and the women are not happy and will not be happy. My thought is "why are you staying?" My situation was different from these girls I know. There partners have not been through a divorce. Perhaps the thought of divorce is enough to scare them. I don't know. All I can say, you have to do what is right for you and your daughter. If everything is swell and you are happy and he loves you, stay. If not, simply tell him you have to go, when you are ready to carry through with it, and go. Perhaps he will think twice and change his ways. More than likely he won't. But don't make him marry you because it's what you want. He has to want it too. I don't know what decision I would have made had my husband told me he was leaving if I didn't marry him. It never came to that. For me, it was "what will I do if this terrific guy leaves me for something so dumb on my part?" I wasn't willing to risk it and he didn't have to bring it up. I thought it all on my own. Best of luck to you. Whatever you decide, do it for you and your little girl. Then you won't be sorry.

Hi J., I was in the same situation. My husband and I were together for 9 years before we got married. At first, I thought like these other women, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." But after awhile, I realized that it was broke. I could have spent 10 years of my life with him and at any moment he could walk away with no explanation, no nothing. I thought that it wasn't fair to me. I was giving him my whole heart and he was only giving me a piece of his. And I also felt like you that maybe he was only staying with me for our son's sake. I decided that it was wrong and I told him that if he didn't want to get married I understood but he had to understand that I couldn't live that way anymore. He decided to marry me (after alot of thinking and arguing, etc). I didn't force him into it, it was his decision. I simply told him how I felt and he decided for himself.

I know that it was the right thing for me but maybe it's not the right thing for you. Make sure that it's what you really want before you make such a big decision. I was willing to walk away if that was what had to happen. You have to do what's right for you. You can't stay in a relationship solely for your child, you will regret it in the long run. You will waste a huge chunk of your life. Whatever you do, think long and hard about it first. Make sure it's really what you want. Also, make sure it's what he really wants. If you give him an ultimatum he may just choose to be married for the sake of your child. He may think in the back of his mind that he will just divorce you if it doesn't work out. Make sure you think about all the results before you make your decision. Good luck.

Hi J..
you are obviously going through an emotional time right now. I don't know you or your husband but I thought I'd share some thoughts, perhaps some insight on where he might be at this time. See, I was married and have two children with my ex. We separated about 2 and a half years ago and are still working on the divorce. In the meantime (about 6 months or so after my separation), I became involved with my present boyfriend who is wonderful and I adore....however....while he has made clear to me his desire to have the "marital commitment", I continue to make it difficult for him because I say things like your partner about not sure I ever want to marry again, etc. My bf and I have been thru alot together and have really had to revisit the issue in depth many times. I've had to reach deep down to try to put into words why i might be the way i am. I'm sure every situation is different and people handle themselves differently but divorce does crazy things to the way you handle relationships and most definitely impacts the way you handle YOURSELF in relationships. I often won't say "forever" types of things because I feel like it quite possibly could be forever but because of failing in the past in marriage i have a constant recognition that anything could happen and what i think is going to last forever very well may not...therefore i don't want to give or have a sense of false hope.
There is so much I could go into (and if there is anything you want to know feel free to ask if you think it would help to see things from a different angle)....but i don't want to continue to babble. I guess what I'm getting at is that sometimes the way you see things changes after you've been thru a divorce and it takes time and patience (and I honestly don't know if you ever get back to what it feels like to just love someone and have faith that it works the way you do when it's the first time). What it boils down to for you is: are you in love? is your relationship healthy, as is? is it worth sticking with, even if the piece of paper may never be there but the commitment really is? it's always a choice and always a compromise. I'm lucky to have found someone who has taken a lot of time to discover and try to understand why i feel the way i feel about marriage and who has decided that i am fully committed and worth it.

Hi J.,
I agree with Christina 100%.

Many people have everything that a married couple has but just no papers to prove it. If it's not broken don't try to fix it, you may end up loosing one of the best things you have. Give it time and see what happens. He does need time to heal from his last marriage and it will take time. Give him that time because you love him. He may have the fear that since his last marriage ended he doesn't want to get married to you only because he is fearful it may happen again. He doesn't want to risk losing you and the daughter you share. Give it time. A piece of paper means nothing if you don't have the love and respect for each other. It sounds like you have a great guy don't loss him over a piece of paper. You may want to look into counseling for both of you. I think he may have a few issues about the whole marriage thing that has nothing to do with you. He just may not want to fail again.
Good luck. You have a great guy and love him a lot. Don't let a piece of paper get you so upset. It's what is in your hearts that count. In a few years ask him to marry you! You will know in your hear when it’s right.

Good Luck
T.

Finish your degree and start living for your self and your daughter. Once you have established a financial job, and collected some money on your own (enough) to cover all living expenses for at least a year or two. Then you need to face the wind, and leave w/ your girl. tell him you need the time to live on your own. He is free to see her and come around but you need to let him go if he can't love you and give you what you need. Proposal, ring, wedding yada yada yada.You want the commitment from him, but he has to want to give it not b/c he's forced to. AND...the reason-ultimately, YOU love your daughter. You want what is best for her, right? SO heres what happens (picture your life down the road)
You stay in the same situation, W/o marriage living with him all is great-NO proposal,NO real ring, no wedding, no marriage
Nothing is there to show enternal commitment. You settle, why? Cause you love him. Now push life 22 years ahead of you and you watch your daughter fall in love with some guy, get pregnant, live w/ him. Unmarried, no ring, no wedding, why? cause she loves him-she'll settle! IF mom did it, then I should too. Where are the standards? Where are the morals?
I live with this regret everyday of my life, and wish none of it for any other. It's a vicious cycle. I created mine, that I can not erase, instead doubt his love for me every single day. Excellent father is wonderful but a Beloved father is greater.