What to Do About Ex Husbands New Bossy Girlfriend....

Updated on October 30, 2012
K.S. asks from Vernon Rockville, CT
10 answers

I've been divorced for 6 years now. When my daughters Father and I got divorced, I sat down with him and told him point blank, that even though we didn't work, we can still be the best of parents to our daughter. I am not a vindictive ex, we have never fought. We have a very flexible visitation, and have always been able to come to agreements quickly when it comes to our daughter. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for about five years, who my daughter adores. He is very respectful of the way I raise her. He has two older children of his own, one 18 and one is 13. His kids loveeee my daughter, and consider her their sister. Well, my ex husband, who I should say is definitely a mamas boy....has found a new girlfriend. However, after nearly only two weeks of dating her, he introduced her to my daughter. She also has a daughter age 10. Well, now that she's entered the picture, my ex husband and I are fighting constantly. He's entering opinions which I know perfectly well aren't his own. They are hers. And she's trying to tell him how to handle ME and our daughter. And, in case you haven't read my other questions.....my daughter didn't start having serious behavioral issues, till she came into the picture. But because my ex doesn't want to see that, he says I'm full of it. I'm so frustrated and angry, and I don't want this effecting my daughter but it already is starting to!!! I don't wanna be one of those evil vindictive ex wives!!! But she's making me angry trying to get her nose in where it doesn't belong!!!

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So What Happened?

First off, let me preface this by saying for those of you who seem to think I'm a sleeze who "shacks up" with a man for five years in front of my daughter, you all can go straight to where the sun don't shine!!!! My boyfriend and I have a very committed relationship, and a healthy one. Both of us have been married. Neither of us want to do it again. We are happy, we have a very healthy life together, which doesn't require some dumb piece of paper to prove it. Now, that said.....in asking this question,, please understand that I was heated right off from an argument with my ex via text. Which he said things to me I know perfectly well he cannot and would neverrr come up with on his own. His gf has been 'feeding' him into these thoughts and accusations which are baseless in regards to our daughter. She has no right, plain and simple. So, thanks for the lack of advice, tho some (very few) had some good points, and thank you. But you know, I thought this site was for moms to help one another....not cuss each other out and deman other women and judge them for who they are. Its pathetic!

More Answers


answers from Columbia on

Don't worry about her.

Just make it clear to your daughter that there are different rules for different places, and that if she's not at her dad's she is to follow YOUR guidance.

It doesn't matter what your ex's new GF thinks or says. Her rules don't govern your house and never will.

Also, when are you getting married? You and your ex are doing a pretty awesome job of teaching your daughter that it's okay to just shack up...but not commit.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

You initially told your ex husband that your goal was to be the best parents to your daughter. I imagine that you meant what you said, even when things got hard. Now that they are hard, I recommend that you move forward with that idea and restrain yourself in your animosity against your ex husband.

And just as an aside, in your post you put down your ex husband, criticize his judgment, and blame him for all your daughter's recent problems. From the outside, I could not imagine your daughter remaining blind to your feelings. For your daughter's sake, calm down and come to realize your limits in controlling people around you. You cannot control your husband, so now you have to just work with him the best you can.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

She's a girlfriend, and a new one at that. She isn't a stepmom, she should have no say or input into how your daughter is raised or how you and your ex interact.

If I were you, I would just tell the ex that you don't appreciate her having input to your daughter when that relationship is just getting started. She hasn't even gotten to know your daughter and she's already trying to change her (or just the way things have been running for the last few years). How you don't want to argue with him, but that what you feel is her input is making things difficult.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I'm confused you contradicted yourself from last week. in your last SWH you say he;s always had issues parenting and you have always had issues understanding you cant control what goes on in his house and now you are saying it's all the new girlfriends fault?

I'd think you have to listen to your own advice. you cant control everything in his house and it seems you're overreacting to his girlfriends involvement. if he doesnt introduce new women often i dont think her meeting her this soon will be a major issue. She has to know what datting is as well right? she's not a toddler, she is old enough to see new people in his life in a safe enviorment

make the appointment for the therpist like others have said and in the meantime breathe and realize that unless something is seriously harming your daughter you have to pick you battles. This is a daily lesson for M. as well, when dealing with my ex, sometimes i fail misserably and get upset like you are doing and other times I heed my own warning to live and let go of things i have no control over. you're reaction will most likely impact your daughter moreso than the little things he does that you dont agree with (tv, video games and so on)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

Whoa, first looking at the last post there is a lot of overreacting there. How did you even get from drawing a picture of her dad dead and her crying at his grave to ADHD? Then manipulate her brain, they don't manipulate anything, they talk, they help the child find words to express what they are feeling.

I include that because is this how you react to things in general? New girlfriends just make exes stupid in the beginning but if you go all in like with the picture it could become a permanent problem.

Perhaps since your daughter is already slated to see a therapist you go for group therapy, or family therapy. That way the therapist gets a better idea of how you communicate with each other. That way if your ex is doing something harmful it is the therapist that addresses it. Your ex is going to be less likely to argue with a therapist than you.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Your frustration and anger will negatively affect your daughter more than the way your husband is behaving. She lives with you. You are her primary influence. Find a way to stop fighting with him. It takes two to argue. When a conversation appears to be headed for an argument, stop talking. Leave if you can. Say, we'll talk more when I'm able to be calm. Ignore all opinions. He has a right to them. His opinions do not mean that you have to change what you're doing. If he wants to change what he's doing that's OK. You'll need to accept it. You cannot change him.

I just went back to read your previous posts. It is obvious that your daughter did NOT just begin to have serious issues after your husband introduced his girlfriend. I suggest you are desperate to find an easy answer to your problems. Blaming the girl friend will not improve your situation. It only makes it more complicated and less likely for you to get any help.

I suggest that drawing her father dead in a coffin is indicative of feelings that have been long in coming to the surface. And.......it's just as likely that her relationship with you and your attitude towards her father is influencing her feelings as much as her father having a new girl friend.

I urge you to find a way to stop fighting with your ex. And above all do not share your feelings with your daughter. Do not let her see you mad and critical of her father and his girl friend.

If she's only been in the picture for two weeks, whatever behavior your daughter is doing now is not the result of her being involved. A child doesn't suddenly become a problem. I don't know what difficulties you're having with her but if she's repeating what the girl friend says and acting out because her father and the girl friend are critical of you, it's an indication that you don't have a good relationship with her. She won't go from being on your side to being on their side if there aren't sides to pick.

Try to look at what's happening from your husband's and his girl friend's view point. Find places in which you can agree. Be confident in your self so that you don't have to become defensive. Be willing to make some changes and definitely find ways to compromise. If you're not able to tone down your anger, get some counseling.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Women and men tend to respond to these things differently. Men (like your boyfriend) can enter the picture while staying out of it. Women (like your ex's girlfriend) tend to be more territorial on the homefront. She's got to pee on him and make sure that it's known that she is Queen Bee and the only one who'll be pulling his strings.

He likely did not feel it necessary to sit with her at the beginning and explain your peaceful situation, and let her decide if she wanted to join the clan. Why aren't men more proactive than reactive? It could also be that he isn't feeling as peaceful about your situation as you are and she sees the other side of it where he's kinda giving in to whatever you want. And she wants to jump in and improve things. Or maybe his ambivalence makes her think that things should be more structured.

When he comes up with something new, ask him (not in a defensive or confrontational way) why the old way won't work...what's the problem. Ask if you need to have a sit-down and re-work your agreement...what no longer works for him. I guess it is possible that he hears her new ideas and thinks that they are valid, not just that he wants to appease her. Treat him like these are his ideas and make him tell you why they are better than what you already have in place. Make him commit to an agreement in which he has some input--instead of dictating one to him that he simply must sign off on--and put it in writing. Present him with this whenever he changes his mind. Regarding your daughter, I know that it's hard, but this is just one of those waves that you'll have to help her ride.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I am NOT going to stalk your old posts. I will just deal with what you say here.
1. You say he is a mama's boy but this post has absolutley nothign to do with being a mamas boy.
2. You say he has only known this woman 2 weeks--so what???
3. The woman has a daughter and he has a daughter--would you rather hear that he was at the zoo or park or 6 flags with the woman and her daughter and not have thought to take his own daughter? Of course, he wanted to introduce the girls to each other.
You sound like you want to date, but not allow him to date.
Come on, I can feel the pain--but be fair.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I write this as a mom in a step/family situation. Best you can, put aside your reactions to this recent change and try and focus on what is best for your daughter. I applaud that you and your ex had agreed to that goal initially. Just know there will be bumps along the way so it is so important to let go of negative feelings about ex and/or whomever he is with and stay focused on the goal. Don't let yourself care about this new woman and what happens at their house unless your daughter is in harms way. A nosey person is not worth the strife. Let it go and focus on the time you have with your girlie! She will function better if she knows you are not worked up and reactive. I know it is not easy but you can rise above the drama. Fight only for the essentials. Everything else is not worth the stress it puts on your daughter. Blessings!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Sounds like my husband's step mother. When his parents got divorced it was amicable, then step mom came into the picture and started saying that they needed a strict visitation schedule, they needed to come to agreements on "their" children, blah blah. She started sending notes home about what a terrible mother their mother was, etc. The kids absolutely hated it and acted out, until it came to the point where the step mom didn't want to have anything to do with the kids and they didn't see their dad for over 10 years. I'm sorry if this woman is bringing that kind of drama into your lives.

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