What to Do? - California,MD

First his mother - Let her watch the kids while you go out to a special dinner.

His Darts - If he gets a night out - you get a night out. I like the idea of showing up at his dart bar just once. Do it sooner rather than later. You might even ask him to take you - maybe it's something you can do together.

Counseling - Do it.

He is selfish - as most men are. He doesn't understand what being a parent is all about. You might leave him home ALONE with all 3 kids for the weekend just so he can see how hard it really is. Leave on a Friday and come back late Sunday. Do not prepare meals, do laundry ahead, or anything. Just walk out the door. That's what he does... All it takes is once...

YMMV
LBC

If you are sooooo sure that he loves you, then why do you not trust him? If you are so sure he loves you, then why did he cheat on you - twice? If you are so sure that he loves you, then why is he mean to you and the kids in front of his mother? If you are so sure he loves you, then why is he showing you no respect? He doesn't seem to "get" the fact that he cheated, you don't trust, he doesn't seem to care too much about you not trusting. This is not about him playing darts. This is about so much more than that. If he won't go to counseling with you, then you really need to go for yourself.

Figure out how you want your life to be. Figure out if you are worth being treated with respect. Figure out if you want your children to grow up in an environment where dad is mean to them and to mom and mom is never happy. I doubt any parent wants that for their children (I know I don't) so figure out what you want first. Then, figure out if your husband fits into YOUR picture. If he isn't willing to work on your marriage, then it will never change and it won't matter if he plays darts 5 nights a week, you will be forever unhappy as you are now.

I know these are big words coming from a stranger, and divorce and being a single mom is a scary thought, but bottom line is, you have to consider real changes for yourself and your kids because if you don't make you and your kids the priority, no one will. Seek counseling to help figure this out.

I do wish you luck and strength. But please remember. Love is not always enough to make a life happy.

Julie

Unfortunately for women, we have to put up with the man's psyche. Understanding it will help a lot....first of all,the more you pressure him to stay at home with you, the more confined he will feel and the more he will push to leave. It's soooo hard to let go of control and let him make his own decisions, but really, you cannot change his attitude by nagging or reasoning with him - trust me - I have tried in other areas! The more you lay off of him and start to realize you are still in control of yourself and the kids, then the more he will feel like he is able to make choices on his own without pressure and then it's up to him whether or not to man up and accept the responsibility or not. You are owning up to your commitments, but of course it seems to always fall on the woman. I had issues with some of my husband's bad habits, and I used to nag him, but nothing helped...I was so frustrated and felt like he didn't love me or else he would change....but I finally gave up and left it up to God - had some serious prayer time and then backed off and let Him work in my husband's life. After putting up with the same behavior for 2.5 years, he finally started to change. He saw my behavior and attitude was different and it took a long time for him to change, but he finally did and we are much happier. He had to change on his own though (with God's help of course), and I had to accept that I was totally not in control of the situation. I knew I was right and what would make our marriage work, but the problem wasn't me - it was him realizing how much work marriage takes. Plus, I had to love him for him and not for what I wanted him to be....and trust me, I have had SERIOUS issues with my MIL. Luckily my DH has usually taken my side, but just be thankful she does not live with you...that is a nightmare - I know from experience! Suck it up while she is there and don't rock the boat - maybe your husband will realize no one deserves the bad treatment from him. Your MIL will not change either, so try to relax and enjoy her company as much as you can and take advantage of her help with the kids so you will have a break - she would probably like to take charge a bit. I know my MIL helps me with laundry and stuff - and cooks if I ask her to. She also spends tons of time with the kids, which is nice....they love her and so it works. I can then take some time to watch a show, read a book, do some cleaning or whatever.
As for the cheating, you cannot change what has happened - the fact you are still with him says a lot about your commitment...and a lot about how he takes you for granted....but regardless, he cannot change the past - so of course you would be leery of his activities from here on out, but try not to rehash what has already happened...maybe ask him if he wants to invite his friends to your house and play darts there - and make snacks for them, etc...? Or ask if you can go with some of your friends at the same time...at least it's only once a week - some guys ignore their sig others every day....and he needs his 'guy time,' because he is obviously not as mature as some others...you didn't say how old he is....but I know it takes some guys a long time to grow up! He will make his own decisions about whether or not to cheat again, and yet again, you have no control - he will do what he wants regardless of your wishes...if you catch him again, I would seriously consider leaving him because that is not 'love.' But since you have stayed with him and have truly forgiven him, then don't worry about it. Move forward and just keep praying! Also - a good book - "The Power of a Praying Wife." I have started reading this and it's awesome...AND take time for yourself!!!!!! Do what makes you happy instead of worrying about him! While my husband was doing his own thing, I wouldn't wait around for him - I started doing my own thing and he started to miss me...he realized I wasn't going to hang around and be a burden to him - I was going to live my life and be more unattainable - play hard to get I guess...haha. That's like a dating game, but it works!!!! I started visiting my parents more, going to the store leaving the kids with him, watching girl shows upstairs instead of downstairs with him while he was on the computer, etc....and he hated it! He realized he couldn't have his cake and eat it too....try being the woman he fell in love with instead of his 'warden' (in his head)....see if that works!

I'm not going to dish out advice, since I"ve never faced this problem, but just comment on something I haven't noticed anybody else commenting on: the timing of the MIL's visit. You see her once every two years, and suddenly she has a "free ticket" for the very weekend you were planning to take off? My guess is that's no coincidence. And I echo the very good question somebody else asked: if she just HAD to come up that particular weekend, why didn't she offer to babysit for you? Better yet, why didn't your husband ask her to? It's clear the expectations on both sides had nothing to do with your kids, and everything to do with their own personal priorities. The lady who raised your husband is a big part of what's going on here. I'm not saying that to start a war with her--that would be adding to your problems--but just to note that what you described is a man acting like a little boy. The darts, the cheating--all just symptoms.

I don't think that you are being "too nice" by trying to build and save a marriage. I think that he broke the rules, but seemingly wanted another changce - 2 actually. He made those choices and ecause of that he needs to play by whatever rules you set. You aren't telling him he can't be out of your site. You are telling him he has lost the priviledge of being in situations that make you uncomfortable. He has to earn back that trust, and he hasn't yet. He should eb more concerned with that then playing darts. I highly recommend counseling 1) for your personal well being and coping skills, 2) to improve the marriage, and 3) to document his willingness to work on the marriage.

Could his mom not have come the weekend after? Or if she does have to come why can she not look after the kids and let you have your weekend away seeing as it is your anniversary?
Cheating is the one thing that I would not stand for , I understand that people can make mistakes but twice? Please , he is lucky you gave him another chance twice because my husband wouldn't get it! I think you are right to be concerned about his weekly night out , you have every right to be suspicious , do you get a weekly or even monthly night out with the girls , you probably need it more than him. I like the other persons idea of showing up at the bar but I wouldn't let him know straight away that I was there , I would have to watch him for 10 minutes or so to see for myself if he was actually playing darts.

Good luck I hope for the best for you

I think Tracy hit it spot on. Not sure what the solution is though.

Go to the marriage counseling. And try to trust your husband or there will never be healing. Yes, my husband also acted different when his mother was around. She was a fine woman but neither of us enjoyed her visits. She still wanted to be the mother in control of everything and that didn't set right with me. It was best to keep her visits few. AF

honey, first off this isnt about him playing darts
this about the fact that he is not very mature. if a man treats you badly when his mother is around, then he abvoiusly is trying to impress his mother by being uglyto you. if you know of two instances where he went out with someone else, chances are good that there are/were plenty of others. get yourself tested for STDs. do not accompany him in going out with his mother, because his ugly behavor will only get worse with her around. if you dont focus your attention on him, he wont expect to you to focus all your attention on him, you are his wife, not his mother
find a good sitter, and get a great job, start socking your money away because chances are very
good that they are planning on you taking full time care of both him and his mother..been there, done that.and do you prevent this from happening, by not being there to begin with
K. h.

Having been in a similar situation, I would go to counseling by myself. Don't expect him to admit that he needs help, it sounds out of character for him. I agree with a few other postings, "suddenly" has a ticket?!! No consideration seems to be a bad habit in his family, sorry. My best advice would be get counselling for yourself and try your best to raise considerate children who think about others as well as themselves.
Unfortunatley, my marriage did not survive, and we are much better friends and parents now that we don't live in the same house. He still acts the same way, childish, and he tries to buy the kids stuff, sometimes over my objections, but at least I know that he loves them and will do anything for them. He lives down the street, so the kids can go and see him whenever they want, likewise he can come and get them whenever he wants.
I wish you well in whatever happens.

p.s. Just because other peoples marriages don';t make thru the tough times, does NOT mean that yours won't!

I can feel for you I am in sort of the same situation. my husband and i had early trouble he didn't actually cheat on me but i knew it was coming because i saw the signs. But it's been hard to trust him since i was there that time and i felt the need to babysit him. Also he drank which he has tamed but i still feel the need to babysit him on it. But i got to where when i had trouble with him i would email him. I would make sure he got it on his way out the door to work. He would think about what i had to say and than talk about it after work. It made it nice we don't fight anymore about any of it. Because he has all day think about it and talk to an outside source if he wants. but This is all i can suggest. Good luck

R.,

If trust is important to you, you need to sit down together and map out behaviors that help you trust him. If he decides that he does not want to modify his behavior, then you need to decide whether you can live with his decision. Everyone's marraige is different. Everyone can live with different shortcomings in our spouses. If fidelity is a key issue for you and he is not honoring that, then you need to decide what you are willing to live with AND what kind of modeling you want to set for your children.

You have tough choices ahead. Good luck!

M.

I believe family and in-laws are God's plan to make us understand unconditional love. Anyway, you sound like you really have two problems: your husband's attitude when Mommy Dearest appears and your overall relationship with your husband.

Problem #1: MIL and DH. You cannot change people nor raise adults. You can only control your own behavior and train children. Either train the children to prepare for grandma's visit by living by the rules or have constant strife with Dad. Consider the once every two years visit as a sacrifice your family makes in order to keep peace within the extended family. B. Talk to your husband, understanding that he might not see his behavior as odd and be unwilling to change. Again, you cannot control or fix people, but you can offer clear examples of the inconsistencies and help him understand that his conduct might affect his relationship with his children as well as their relationship with their grandmother. He probably does not want them to dread grandma's biannual visit. Then, I'd come up with activities that make for happy family memories. For instance, invite Grandma to take the kids to the park. They'll be too tired when they come home to make a mess.

As for the world revolving around the DH, I think that's just marriage. But, I do appreciate the fact that the men can teach us about not losing ourselves as wives and mothers. There should be a balance. You're not overreacting to the weekly darts game. On the surface, there's nothing wrong in his playing darts. But, weekly? At a bar? He's not using sound judgement. He's got too much work to do at home to do that weekly, anyway. And, what about you? If he's out once a week, you should get "me" time, too. Not possible? Then, how about his giving you a few hours on Sat am or Sun. pm? We're seeking balance, here. Your job is 24-7 and you need a break. As for the trust factor, that is earned, not blindly given. You cannot control another person's behavior, nor do you owe anyone blind trust if they've shown that they have poor judgement. But dh is an adult, not a child. It's not your job to police him nor raise him. Nor should he live in a bubble because he's made mistakes. Either your relationship will grow or it will deteriorate in deceit. That will be his choice. Meanwhile, you do your part and find an outlet other than the children and him to explore that side of you that is human. It can even be activities you do with the children, like painting or reading or woodworking, etc.

Marriage counselling is there when BOTH parties believe they need help. You might want to consider therapy for yourself if it will help you process some things. I know that prayer, having a good support system, seeing veteran married people who enjoy each other, and learning what does not work have helped sustain my own life as a wife and mother. Make sure you're getting good advice and that you are very in tune with who you are.

First and foremost his mother. She only comes around once every 2 years so him acting like that for 1 day or even 1 week out of 728 days isnt necissary but isnt bad. He was probably a mama's boy so no big deal there.
If he wants to take a boys night out, not so bad but suggest that you for sanity's sake have a night to yourself also. As for worrying about him cheating on you thats easy. :) Show up to his 'bar for darts' once. Thats it, thats all it'll take. Have your mom or a friend watched the kids after he leaves one night and show up maybe.. 20-30 minutes after he's SUPPOSE to be there and say i just wanted to spend some time together! He'll be way to nervous that you'd ever do it again to do anything. lol.
I personaly think that cheating once is unforgivable but i understand taking him back when you have children together. The second time is absolute nonesense. No excuse. You should of left his butt then. He's going to cheat on you now just cuz he thinks he can get away with it with no repercussions. You need to take every thing you just wrote down, sit him down and say it to him and tell him if he doesnt straighten up his act your leaving, even if you dont plan to. He needs to be scared, thats the only way to get threw to some men. Goodluck =\

First off,How long ago did he cheat? It does take time to for him to earn back your trust. However, you also have to forgive and move forward. If he wants to have a night out with the guys, let him. If he wants to cheat, he will find a way. You also need time to yourself once in a while. Sometimes we become so consumed with our husbands that we lose ourselves. As for the mother in law, let him know how you feel. You only have to put up with her once every two years. It could be worse.