What's Your Fighting Style!

Updated on May 03, 2012
M.K. asks from Frisco, TX
6 answers

I have come to realize that the way we handle conflict is so important for the health of our relationships....I used to the one who was always ready to clear the air by agreeing with the other person or respectfully agreeing to disagree and moving on though I have NEVER been confrontational......but lately due to my husband's temper, I just don't say anything when he gets mad and have little interest in resolving things later since I know he operates with the purpose of beating the other person down (not literally) until they give in and agree with him so there is no sense in having a reasonable discussion with him where he will see my point of view and I also know that my speaking up only escalates the issue and if we fight like this it upsets the baby....this keeping quiet is slowly making me feel very bottled up........my husband on the other hand will just blow up start calling me names, can go on for a good 15-20 minutes ranting raving all by himself and if he doesn't get his way he would sulk for days later and not talk to me.......he will often initiate the conversation after such episodes but it is always prefaced with "why did you do this to me"........
I know our conflict resolution style in not healty......that is why we are in therapy
I was just curious - what is your fighting style????

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answers from San Francisco on

I'm a problem solver - in the practical sense. I think the best thing to do is figure out what we're going to do about the problem, not sit and cry or yell nasty stuff at each other.
This sounds healthy in theory, but the reality of it is that it rubs most people the wrong way. I've had to learn to nod and say uh huh a lot while the other person gets their emotions out so they don't accuse me of not taking their feelings seriously - Otherwise it's impossible to negotiate!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

Well your husband sounds like my ex. After 18 years I can say with conviction there is no fighting or communication style that works with them. After all they are always right so why should they listen to you. Nope they just yell with all the righteous indignation they can muster. :(

"Why did you do this to me" Wow, narcissistic much? Good luck with the therapy, I gave up after 18 years when he started turning the anger on our kids.

So what is our fighting style, that would be me and my husband. Mutual respect. We both respect and listen to the other sides thoughts. Listen being the key word here. When people are yelling they aren't listing, they are forming their next argument to key words that filter through. Neither of us have ever raised our voices to the other. No need, our hearing is just fine.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

hmmm i get quiet and distant if i'm upset and would rather write a letter on how i feel. If the argument involves Emmy then I go all protective and can actually argue and talk. Either way it J. fills up time and prolongs things. We actually resolve things when sitting and speaking about why we're upset...ussually this happens after my silence or we have an argument. I'm slowly learning how to J. go to the talking and not get distant and hurt=)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

Resit the argument in the moment unless it's an IMMEDIATE necessity (rare). Come back calmly later with constructive way to make him see his error (if he had one) without feeling threatened. Apologize if I was wrong (to make myself seem reasonable in big picture). But if it's any consolation, it never sinks in, and he's back to his same behavior right afterward even if I get an "I understand and agree" out of him. And I do blow up sometimes if it's something he just KEEEEEPS doing despite a million calm talks. I think no matter how well you handle yourself, you just can't change another person. :(

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I prefer not to really "fight", so I immediately approach the situation and my husband from a place of trying to understand his motivations. I want to give him all the benefit of any doubt.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

If a discussion becomes an argument, I direct the offending person (sometimes myself) to go argue with the person in the mirror - I won't participate.

1 mom found this helpful
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